"I'm sorry", he says with this desperate tone in his voice while holding my hand.
"I'm not", I reply, "but it's enough now - for both of us". I mean it. I won't regret a single second I spent with him but I know we can't go on like this. I cannot stay and continue being his dirty little secret while he's building up a family, having a baby with her… but I can't stay here and live a separated life as well. We've tried that before and failed utterly. Going away is the only reasonable solution… and the thought of never seeing him again is breaking my heart.
"No", I hear him whisper, a weak effort to stop me. Beneath this word I can hear so much more. His desperate eyes say "I won't be able to stand my life without you. I need you. You're the one thing giving me the strength to get up every morning and face my responsibilities as a husband, son and Muslim. I need your love, need your body and soul, I need you to touch me and bring me to life."
His desperation is killing me. I've watched him fading during these months after the wedding when we managed to stay apart. Every time I had seen him he seemed to have died a little bit more. His beautiful eyes were lifeless and I was wondering how Amira could not see his obvious unhappiness. Now I know that even she had noticed that something was wrong with her husband although the oblivious girl had no idea about the extent of it all. Thinking about her and how I tried to help her the other week I feel a sharp pain in my heart. Seeing them together while our song was playing was more than I could take. That's why I have to go, I've been hurt too much, too many times – the whole wedding, my attempt to give Amira advice fully aware of the consequence of that conversation and now the final straw - Masood telling me they are having a baby and so obviously enjoying to see me in pain. I tried to endure all of it for him – telling him it's all okay at his wedding to comfort him, telling Amira about our precious private moments to make his sex life with her more bearable and giving him the illusion that they can make this marriage work. All of that exposed the boundaries of what I can take. And as much as I want to be there for him, as much as I die inside with the thought of leaving him for good I know it's the only thing left to do.
Sometimes I think about our life and how it could have been if Syed would have given us the chance. Maybe we would have gone away together or maybe we even would have tried to build up our life together right here - make my flat ours, make it our home. It'll always bug me that we have never tried. Now it's too late. No way can we ever be together with Amira having his baby.
"Enough" I repeat taking my suitcase and leaving the room. He follows. I can see tears running down his face now. "I don't know what to say" he whispers while he's trying to suppress his sobbing. "There's nothing left to say" I reply quietly. He looks at me and I can feel how I loose myself in his beautiful, sad eyes. I stroke his cheek tenderly. "One last time?" I say abstractedly and I notice it sounds more like a question. His response is a soft kiss on my lips. "You know I love you" he whispers and his voice is trembling. "Yes, I know that Sy" I reply and kiss him back. Tasting his lips feels so ambrosial. He places his arms around my hips pulling me closer and I try to savour every second of his touch. Our kiss gets deeper and more demanding, his tongue is exploring my mouth, his eyes closed, he's totally lost in the moment. I stroke his soft hair, inhale his delicious scent. Slowly I start to unbutton his colourful shirt. It doesn't fit in with the situation; it should be dark, black maybe. For a second I smile at the randomness of my own thought.
He takes off my shirt in return and I can hear a gentle moan escape his lips when he looks at my body. We pull closer and the feeling of his bare chest against my skin makes me want so much more. Slowly I let my hands slip down his back just to grip his sexy arse pulling our hips together. I can feel his desire as he rubs himself against me. I free him from his jeans and let my hand slip into his boxers. The look on his face as I touch him is just drop-dead gorgeous. As I stroke his beautiful hard cock he starts kissing me hungrily. "Please… I need you so much" he mumbles breathlessly. I take his hand and lead him to our bed. 'For the very last time' I think and try to push this cruel thought away immediately. He sits on the bed in front of me and his piercing glance makes my need to feel him almost unbearable. He opens the button of my jeans, unzips it and pulls my trousers down impatiently. My shorts follow in no time. He's looking straight into my eyes when his lips touch my aching cock. He starts sucking me backwards and forwards while his hand massages my balls tenderly. My mind goes into overdrive by his sweet touch and I can hardly control myself. "No… stop", I plead as it gets too much "I'm too close, I want this to last". He's almost killing me with the innocent, apologetic look he's giving me. God, this man is amazing; I never thought it would be possible to feel this way for another person. The effect he has on me is beyond words. I lie down beside him and start exploring every inch of his body. I caress his soft skin, licking, sucking and kissing his neck, chest and stomach. The way he breathes aroused under my touch makes me want to please him even more. While I listen to the delicious moans leaving his mouth I can feel his hand in my hair, pulling me upwards to face him.
"Fuck me, Christian", he demands with this unbelievably sexy tone in his voice. I nod, hardly visible and we get lost in a passionate kiss. He's lying on his back and I can feel him shaking when I let a finger slid into his hot, wanting body. His lustful groan demands more and I give him more as I add another two fingers and massage him passionately. I can feel he's ready for me as he's reaching for my hard cock showing me he needs to feel it inside of him. I grip his hips and enter him slowly. 'For the very last time'. As much as I try not to think about it, I can't deny the thought this time. One look at Syeds face and I know he's thinking the same. None of us is going to verbalise it but we both know. I try to concentrate on the blissful feeling as I start moving inside him slowly. I lean forward to kiss him holding his neck pulling him as close as possible. Our eyes are locked as I increase the pace of my thrusts and I can feel him pushing back. When I realize how close I am I just can't hold back the tears any longer. All the emotions running through me at the same time... the love, the lust, the pain it is just too much to handle. I can see tears in Syeds eyes too as I feel him tighten around me more and more. "I love you so much, Sy.", I whisper while my thrusts grow erratically. "I love you too" he moans "you'll never know how much I really do". With these words on his lips I can feel him releasing, his beautiful body trembling as he's giving me everything. The sight of him savouring his orgasm makes me release instantly as I thrust one more time and let go inside his perfect body. At this very moment it's more than our bodies melding, it's our souls becoming one. It's a moment full of love and it's a moment full of despair.
After our bodies have calmed down, I hold him close, kiss away the tears running down his face. I look at my beautiful lover and knowing that whatever lies ahead for me, I will always have him with me deep in my heart. He's my soul mate, the ONE and where ever I will be tomorrow I know I will cherish every second I was allowed to spend with that man. He's enriched my life more than I ever thought it would be possible and no one will ever be able to take that away from me.