TITIPUTRID TIMES
By NikitaNickleby
Chapter One: Pitti-Sing Thinks Out Loud
"With joyous shout, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, inaugurate, inaugurate their new career, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, with joyous, joyous shout! With laughing song and merry dance, with laughing song and merry dance! With song…and…dance!"
The citizens of the little town of Titipu, Japan finished singing and burst into clapping and cheers. Many people embraced, among them newlyweds Nanki- Poo and Yum-Yum. Peep-Bo, one of Yum-Yum's sisters, was joyfully jumping up and down. Nearby, Nanki-Poo's father, the Mikado, was applauding along with fellow Titipuians Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush, and Go-To.
In the frenzy of the festivities, no one noticed the one little girl sitting alone on a tree stump, far away from everyone else. Unlike her fellow citizens, she wore a look of gloom and discontent on her face. Languidly, she traced an abstract pattern on the little fan she always carried with her.
This girl was Yum-Yum's youngest sister, Pitti-Sing, and her unhappiness was caused by her inability to find a mate. Everyone else had someone, she thought bitterly. Yum-Yum had Nanki-Poo. Katisha, a huge and incredibly ugly witch-like old woman who had lived in Titipu until recently, had married the city's former Lord High Executioner, Ko-Ko. Now even Peep-Bo had someone – she had recently acquired a gentleman friend by the name of Poke-Mon.
Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush, and Go-To all had wives. The Mikado didn't actually have a wife, but he was too senile to care.
Pitti-Sing sighed heavily. She knew she was pretty, slim, a good singer and dancer, and had a good sense of humor. Why, she wondered, why is no one interested in me? I would make a superb mate, I know I would. And yet no man has ever expressed any romantic interest in me. It is simply apalling.
"It must be apalling," came an extremely smarmy-sounding voice from behind the spot where she sat.
Pitti-Sing whirled around, horrified that she had been thinking out loud. She then found herself looking into the eyes of an incredibly handsome young man, and her heart instantly started pounding like a jackhammer.
"Of course, no one of the opposite sex has ever been enough of an idiot to fail to express such an interest in me," continued the young man, flexing his substantial arm muscles. Running his fingers through his thick dark hair, he continued, "You're an attractive young girl; I can't see what anyone could have against your looks. What's your name?"
It took the young maiden a moment to remember. Then she babbled, "Pit…Pitti…Pitti-Sing."
"What an incredibly marvelous coincidence," exclaimed the young man, who was now practicing variations on a roguish grin in a small mirror. "My name is quite similar to yours."
"What is it?" she inquired.
"I," he said, "am Shitty-Ping."
"Shitty-Ping," she breathed, bedazzled.
"And," continued Shitty-Ping, "I would very much like to get to know you better. Care to take a walk with me?"
"Oh, yes," squealed Pitti-Sing, batting her eyelashes at Shitty-Ping. She neither noticed nor cared that she had lost all her composure and dignity.
"Very well, then," said the young gentleman. "Let's go." He held out one of his arms, and she took it.
The two of them walked off together, and Pitti-Sing managed to have one cogent thought: "Wow, I should think out loud more often."
Meanwhile, the aforementioned old hag named Katisha was whistling merrily to herself as she carried her husband, Ko-Ko, toward their new home that she had built and designed herself. "Come along, darling," she chirped. "I can't wait for you to see our new bedroom!" She often carried him around as if he were a teddy bear, even though he was perfectly capable of walking. She was constantly smothering him with unwanted affection.
Poor Ko-Ko had only married overbearing, domineering Katisha a few weeks ago, and already he was wondering how much longer he would be able to survive with her as his wife. He had only married her to save himself, Pitti-Sing, and Pooh-Bah from being beheaded – it was a very long story – but she was not aware that that was the reason. She was operating under the misconception that Ko-Ko actually loved her, which could not have been further from the truth. Still, Ko-Ko was trying to make the best of things.
"We're here," squealed Katisha, hugging Ko-Ko so hard she nearly squeezed all his breath out of him. "You and your little sweetums are finally at your new house!"
Little, thought Ko-Ko. That's a laugh. Katisha outweighed him by nearly two hundred pounds. But he just smiled, weakly, as was his reaction to most of the things his wife did and said. She went to all the trouble of designing your house, he reminded himself.
Which you're going to have to live in.
With her.
Somehow he managed not to scream as he followed Katisha into the house, and managed still to keep quiet as she showed him to their bedroom. In the center of the room was an enormous bed, bigger even than a king-sized one.
"Voila," said Katisha cheerfully.
"Is that…" Ko-Ko fought to keep from shuddering. He choked out the next two words. "Our…bed?"
"Why, no," said his wife, "of course not. That is my bed. That," she continued, pointing to a neon-pink sleeping bag lying next to the bed, "is yours. I shall now go to Titipu Mart and purchase some items for around the house. Goodbye, sweetie!"
And with that, she walked out of the room, each step she took causing the house to shake violently.
By NikitaNickleby
Chapter One: Pitti-Sing Thinks Out Loud
"With joyous shout, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, inaugurate, inaugurate their new career, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, with joyous, joyous shout! With laughing song and merry dance, with laughing song and merry dance! With song…and…dance!"
The citizens of the little town of Titipu, Japan finished singing and burst into clapping and cheers. Many people embraced, among them newlyweds Nanki- Poo and Yum-Yum. Peep-Bo, one of Yum-Yum's sisters, was joyfully jumping up and down. Nearby, Nanki-Poo's father, the Mikado, was applauding along with fellow Titipuians Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush, and Go-To.
In the frenzy of the festivities, no one noticed the one little girl sitting alone on a tree stump, far away from everyone else. Unlike her fellow citizens, she wore a look of gloom and discontent on her face. Languidly, she traced an abstract pattern on the little fan she always carried with her.
This girl was Yum-Yum's youngest sister, Pitti-Sing, and her unhappiness was caused by her inability to find a mate. Everyone else had someone, she thought bitterly. Yum-Yum had Nanki-Poo. Katisha, a huge and incredibly ugly witch-like old woman who had lived in Titipu until recently, had married the city's former Lord High Executioner, Ko-Ko. Now even Peep-Bo had someone – she had recently acquired a gentleman friend by the name of Poke-Mon.
Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush, and Go-To all had wives. The Mikado didn't actually have a wife, but he was too senile to care.
Pitti-Sing sighed heavily. She knew she was pretty, slim, a good singer and dancer, and had a good sense of humor. Why, she wondered, why is no one interested in me? I would make a superb mate, I know I would. And yet no man has ever expressed any romantic interest in me. It is simply apalling.
"It must be apalling," came an extremely smarmy-sounding voice from behind the spot where she sat.
Pitti-Sing whirled around, horrified that she had been thinking out loud. She then found herself looking into the eyes of an incredibly handsome young man, and her heart instantly started pounding like a jackhammer.
"Of course, no one of the opposite sex has ever been enough of an idiot to fail to express such an interest in me," continued the young man, flexing his substantial arm muscles. Running his fingers through his thick dark hair, he continued, "You're an attractive young girl; I can't see what anyone could have against your looks. What's your name?"
It took the young maiden a moment to remember. Then she babbled, "Pit…Pitti…Pitti-Sing."
"What an incredibly marvelous coincidence," exclaimed the young man, who was now practicing variations on a roguish grin in a small mirror. "My name is quite similar to yours."
"What is it?" she inquired.
"I," he said, "am Shitty-Ping."
"Shitty-Ping," she breathed, bedazzled.
"And," continued Shitty-Ping, "I would very much like to get to know you better. Care to take a walk with me?"
"Oh, yes," squealed Pitti-Sing, batting her eyelashes at Shitty-Ping. She neither noticed nor cared that she had lost all her composure and dignity.
"Very well, then," said the young gentleman. "Let's go." He held out one of his arms, and she took it.
The two of them walked off together, and Pitti-Sing managed to have one cogent thought: "Wow, I should think out loud more often."
Meanwhile, the aforementioned old hag named Katisha was whistling merrily to herself as she carried her husband, Ko-Ko, toward their new home that she had built and designed herself. "Come along, darling," she chirped. "I can't wait for you to see our new bedroom!" She often carried him around as if he were a teddy bear, even though he was perfectly capable of walking. She was constantly smothering him with unwanted affection.
Poor Ko-Ko had only married overbearing, domineering Katisha a few weeks ago, and already he was wondering how much longer he would be able to survive with her as his wife. He had only married her to save himself, Pitti-Sing, and Pooh-Bah from being beheaded – it was a very long story – but she was not aware that that was the reason. She was operating under the misconception that Ko-Ko actually loved her, which could not have been further from the truth. Still, Ko-Ko was trying to make the best of things.
"We're here," squealed Katisha, hugging Ko-Ko so hard she nearly squeezed all his breath out of him. "You and your little sweetums are finally at your new house!"
Little, thought Ko-Ko. That's a laugh. Katisha outweighed him by nearly two hundred pounds. But he just smiled, weakly, as was his reaction to most of the things his wife did and said. She went to all the trouble of designing your house, he reminded himself.
Which you're going to have to live in.
With her.
Somehow he managed not to scream as he followed Katisha into the house, and managed still to keep quiet as she showed him to their bedroom. In the center of the room was an enormous bed, bigger even than a king-sized one.
"Voila," said Katisha cheerfully.
"Is that…" Ko-Ko fought to keep from shuddering. He choked out the next two words. "Our…bed?"
"Why, no," said his wife, "of course not. That is my bed. That," she continued, pointing to a neon-pink sleeping bag lying next to the bed, "is yours. I shall now go to Titipu Mart and purchase some items for around the house. Goodbye, sweetie!"
And with that, she walked out of the room, each step she took causing the house to shake violently.