Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else in this story. Rac-Rac Proof Readers: Pegasus
Frickles/shortstuffs Zelly
Red squirrel Iamatorturedsoul
Rusty girl Zera Silver
Roo Padfoot-and-Prongs-rock
Chapter 1
Frickles)Once upon a time there was a hero called Sparhawk. He wasn't a proper hero as he had done nothing heroic but he came from a long line of heroes. Because of this dilemma he decided to…
Rusty girl take extra maths with his best friend Brainy every day. Brainy's dad had an emu farm. One day all the emus...
(Red squirrel) conspired to all take up a signal in which to punish Brainy's sister, Bryony, because she brought all her boyfriends to ride on the emus with her and they were very tired of this abuse. One day they let Bryony and her boyfriends on but went a-squawking and flung them into the sewage dam.
(Rac-Rac)A little scrawny bedraggled man came out of a large sewage pipe on the side scuttling on all fours.
"Who are yousssssssssssssss……?"He hissed peering at them through insect-like eyes. Without waiting for an answer he said, "What are they my precious?" He was talking to himself, "They want to steal you my precious but I won't let them. No he will lead them on a false trail, oh yes he will won't he my precious!" Then he sniggered and said to the wet stinky group in the water "Go straight ahead and you will find the exit" With this he left them and scuttled deeper into the pipe, leaving the group to their watery death.
Soddit (His other personality is known as Smégol) went deeper and deeper into the dark pipe muttering to himself. After a few hours his luminous eyes pierced the darkness of a long forgotten cave. There was a cave pool glowing with an inner light in the middle of the cave. He reached into its pearlescent waters and his hand came out holding a fish. He bit into the fish, scales and blood on his teeth. With relish he licked his fingers and…
Okay I think we can leave Smégol with his disgusting table manners and get back to the hero: Sparhawk grabbed his reins and…
(Frickles) with Brainy's directions he galloped Moonshadow, his faithful silver horse, over fields and meadows until he reached the place where Bryony and her boyfriends disappeared. His brain was working overtime.
Suddenly he called out, "Sephrena I need you now! Please come." and there she was, his old teacher who taught him the styric arts (magic).
Sephrena got to work immediately meditating to find out where Bryony and Co. was. She woke from meditating and said in a strange voice, "Bryony and Co. died and there is something down that we have to investigate. Something evil and grotesque. We have to…
(Rusty girl) go down there and investigate."
Suddenly the ghost of Bryony appeared. Sparhawk fell off his horse and Sephrena fainted Bryony smiled and laughed.
"I won't rest until my boyfriends' bodies and mine are recovered from the sewage!" said Bryony.
After Sephrena's full recovery they all got into a tiny boat. Seriously, it was small. Puny. 1m by 0.4m. So anyway, they sailed down the sewage river and guess who they meet. Captain Jack Sparrow sailing the Black Pearl. Bryony's eyes were glued to his.
(Roo)"Hello my dear!" he called down to her "An' wha' is a young pre'y thing lyk you doin' on a beau'ifuw sea?" (He was obviously drunk) "Come aboard my lovely ship and……………………….well…………………….we'll see what happens…….."
B
ryony didn't wait for her ship to reach her but swam to it (ha ha …….Christa! ☺). But before she reached it a giant octopus thing with sharp cone-like teeth ate her up! All of a sudden Elizabeth Turner popped up from the water.
"Ah, Elizabeth!" said Jack "Hide the rum" he said to his pet giraffe (meanwhile Sparhawk had been sneaking on deck)
Now it was only Sephrena and the boyfriend ghosts in the small boat. They made a hole in the boat and then they were like, "Oh, the boats sinking." and then the boat sank and that was their death ... again
Back on board the Black Pearl………
(Red squirrel)Suddenly a scaly face with blood and bones emerged from the octopus's mouth. "I'll get my revenge," Bryony said before sinking beneath the murky depths.
Elisabeth leapt aboard the ship, "Jack you retard give me the rum! GIVE ME THE RUM! GIVE ME THE RUM!"
Will Turner arrived in a ship, "Elizabeth!" he cried but his grin melted as he realized that six ghostlike people were lifting the two ships into the air……….
(Rac-Rac) "Ah great. I've just waxed the deck!" said Jack Sparrow, "They are getting all their slimy ectoplasm on my beautiful sails!" Taking a knife between his teeth he jumped with nimble grace onto the ship's mast and started climbing the riggings.
"Polly want a doubloon! Polly want a doubloon!" came a screeching as a brightly coloured, blue and green parrot zoomed past. Jack shook his fist at the bird but the parrot ignored him and swooped into the company of the ghosts who were on the crow's nest.
The ghosts dispersed and faded away because they didn't like this ship where mad phantom birds flew through them.
Elizabeth, seeing Jack on the mast yelled, "Come down and fight me you coward!"
Elizabeth cared nothing for the ships welfare (as long as it sailed) and only wanted to see Jack dead. Drawing her cutlass she swished it in the air in front of her and severed the rigging's main rope. Jack screeched in terror as he toppled from the great height.
Elizabeth sidestepped as the rigging came down with its human cargo. She flashed her perfect teeth at Jack where he lay dead beneath the rigging.
She heard a splash in the water and lo behold Sparhawk was spluttering and gasping for air in the water beneath her. She jumped in the water and pulled him onto the ship.
(Frickles)They had by now reached the end of the river and were anchored close to an island. Elizabeth had made herself captain.
Sparhawk was drawing a design on deck with chalk and stood in the middle of his drawing, "Sephrena!" he called and in front of him appeared his little old teacher.
Elizabeth was very confused and later asked Sparhawk about Sephrena. He answered, "She worships the styric Goddess Aphrael and she is 200 years old. She is immortal and has studied the styric arts very thoroughly. She taught me all I know about magic."
They landed on the smallest of the islands around them and went exploring. Suddenly a patch of ground burst into flame and out stepped an elf.
Sephrena's face burst into a smile, "Arya! How nice of you to visit me!"
The elf was the most beautiful being that Sparhawk had ever seen. She had long, straight hair and large, green eyes. She was small and lithe and moved with grace.
Elizabeth was startled and said, "………
(Rusty girl)What the hell is that?"
Sephrena said Arya was a fortuneteller. The elf then said something in a strange language called Afrikaans. Sephrena translated, "I will tell you your future if you like, for free?"
Lizzy looked as if she had won the lottery. "Like, of course!" came the reply.
Arya then took her hand and examined it. "I see love in the near future and you are going to make a lot of money in plastic surgery. Though I can't tell you who your new
lover will be." Sephrena translated.
Later in the night Lizzy and Sparhawk were kissing. Lizzy was enjoying it so much that she didn't see Brainy sneaking up on them until he started beating up Sparhawk. Lizzy screamed,"…………
(Red squirrel)Leave him alone, you've had your time!"
"You traitor, you s (rude word), you daughter of the cheapest prostitute. You were mine last night!" screamed Brainy at Elizabeth and ran at her on the way knocking down Sparhawk with the sheath of his sword. Brainy wrapped lizzy in a tight embrace and started to force kiss her. She started to fight Brainy shouting that she didn't belong to anybody but to herself.
(Rac-Rac)While Sparhawk stood dumbstruck watching them fight, a giant Pheobiah mollusc (a snail) slowly emerged from a dense concentration of trees behind him. The snail muttered under its breath, "Dadum…….dadum……dadum dadum dadum dadum daduuuuuuuuuuuuuum." (Shark Attack theme song)
♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♫
(Complementary of Frickles)
The snail went faster and faster with each "dum" of its horrible stalking hum that it used to stalk prey.
Sparhawk slowly turned around, gave a gasp of horror and cried, "Iccantrê!" and immediately a bubble of pearlescent sheen enveloped him. The snail was hungry and had never encountered such willful prey. Giving a mighty roar of impatience it slimed over the bubble looking for a break in the shield.
"Ooh, aah……." said Sparhawk in amazement as he looked up from beneath the snail's muscular "foot" (that is what it is called in scientific terms) through the bubble.
Suddenly the snail saw two more prey that didn't notice him and who were fighting territorially (as the snail thought) with each other. Giving a gurgle of delight the snail moved towards the unknowing pair. Drooling, it reared up and Lizzy's and Brainy's shouts were drowned as they disappeared under the snail.
Sparhawk took a packet of salt from out his pocket and threw it at the snail's gigantic head.