"I don't think I ever want to see a camera again."
The film festival had come and passed, with our film, of course, causing a bit of a commotion, in no small part due to Asahina's… choice of costume. The entire process of editing that convoluted piece of crap was tiring just to think about. I had to pull an all-nighter just trying to make the damn thing coherent. But now that the festival was over, I finally had a chance to sit back and relax. Which I would have done had I not seen the costumes and recording equipment packed inside her travel bag.
"I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't think you're gonna live that fantasy out anytime soon." Koizumi chuckled as he broke me out of my thoughts and began one of his world-famous rants. Much to my dismay.
"It appears that Ms. Suzumiya has genuinely become interested in filmmaking. I don't believe she'd leave all that stuff in here just for show. Something tells me we've got another long week ahead of us. At least we'll get some more quality time together."
There's a nightmare.
"You have to admit, it complements her outlook on the world quite well. Her passion for anything having to do with the supernatural and extraordinary does lend itself useful in the film world."
Yeah, it does, when the person behind those thoughts has enough common sense to distinguish between something impossible and something that's real.
Speaking of real, here comes Asahina in that killer maid outfit. Just in time to cut in before Koizumi could continue his long-winded monologue that I honestly couldn't take anymore of.
"Yes, I agree! Suzumiya has become more passionate about this than anything else in her life thus far. Maybe this is what leads to- oops! That's classified. Sorry." As she bent down to leave my cup of tea on the table, I had a front row seat to the gates of heaven themselves. I lifted the mug to my face as I took a sip.
Ah, this one's almost good. She still had time to learn, but soon enough, she'll be perfect wife material.
This is the life. I believe every man can appreciate drinking a nice cup of tea while having a perfect view of two of the greatest twin peaks in the world. To have my face tucked inside just once would allow me to die happy in this inf-
"What are you smiling about, pervert? It's everyday with you, isn't it?"
And just like that, the peace was over. Or as close to peace as you can get with Koizumi around. Haruhi practically bounded to her chair as she pulled out Mikuru's nurse outfit.
"C'mon Mikuru! It's time to strip! Stop struggling, you know you enjoy this just as much as I do!"
Knowing the drill, I'd already been out of the clubroom by the time Haruhi had begun to remove anything too revealing. After Asahina had finished her forced changing, Haruhi had called a meeting to discuss what today's schedule had in mind
"Listen up! The festival's over, but it doesn't mean we're done with this movie! We're not focused on some tiny premiere at a school event. We're going for studio recognition! People will come to us for live-action anime movies!" She began to grope Asahina wildly, which of course, elicited whines from her as she began to be thoroughly molested by Haruhi.
"And with these babies by our side, there's no way anyone can turn us down! It's basically cheating having Mikuru in our films, but survival of the fittest as they say!"
I looked over at Nagato, who had been nodding along with every sentence Haruhi said. Lately she'd been a little more eager to go with the plans we had. Maybe she'd enjoyed being a witch? I certainly wouldn't mind seeing a little more Yuki-on-Asahina action myself. Either way, it's nice to see Nagato enjoying herself, even if just a little bit.
"Kyon, are you even listening?" Haruhi was suddenly in my face, looking disapprovingly. "Tell me, what did I just say?"
So close! At least give me some breathing room. Your ego's filling up this room enough as it is without that airhead of yours being in my face all the godda-
"What was that?!"
Oops. Did I say that out loud?
"Hmph! You're lucky I don't smack you in the face for that! But I think I'll just add it to your already severe punishment coming for you for not paying attention."
"But I was definitely paying attention."
"Oh, really? Then tell me, what did I just say?"
"Uh, that people would come to us for anime adaptations?"
"No, idiot. That was like, ten sentences ago. I said today we'll be filming on the rooftop to get the final showdown between Yuki, her henchmen, and Mikuru! Every epic film needs a huge fight at the end! Didja get it that time?"
"Oh of course! That's what you said."
"Be quiet, I'm not finished. We're gonna be filming on top of Yuki's building since it's got such a big roof. However, as director I refuse to walk such a distance. Good thing Koizumi managed to get us a ride across town, right Koizumi?"
He flashed a thumbs up in her direction. "He's outside waiting right now.
"Perfect. Does anyone have anything to add?" She looked around the room expectantly. I have a question. Why are we going all the way to Nagato's building?
"Hey, why not film on the school's roof?"
Haruhi looked at me as if I'd grown two heads. "That's far too many steps to take! And besides, Nagato's building has an elevator that goes all the way up to the roof!"
"But it's easier to-"
"So we're all set! Let's get to it!" Of course. Why would I think reason had any place in this room? How silly of me.
The rest gathered their belongings and headed out the door. I almost made it before Haruhi rudely snatched my collar, choking me for half a second.
"Wha-Ow! What's wrong with you?!"
She shoved the costumes and bag in my arms. "Pfft. You think I'm gonna carry all this stuff? Make yourself useful and take it to the car."
"Why can't you carry it? You have two perfectly functioning arms. Put 'em to good use."
"I refuse to carry anything that causes strain on me. I'm the director, after all. That's like the king working in the fields while all the peasants reap the benefits." With that, she headed for the door before turning back one last time.
"Oh yeah. Lock up once you're done here. And don't take too long!" She tossed the keys at my face, giving me a split-second to react and causing me to almost drop everything.
Whatever, let's just hurry and get this over with. After I had everything set, I locked the door and headed towards the stairwell. I was surprised to see Haruhi still standing on the landing midway between the stairs.
"Hey Haruhi? What's up? Why are you standing here?"
My voice seemed to snap her out of her daze. "What? Oh it's… the…I had to tie my shoe!" That's obviously a lie, but I'm not one to prod.
"Well, c'mon before we get left behind." She merely nodded before following me down the steps.
Haruhi stayed oddly quiet on the way towards the front of the school, not even acknowledging my existence. This is awkward.
"So, why do you still want to film? The festival's over."
"It's fun." Barely a reply.
"Huh. So you wanna be a filmmaker when you grow up?
"Maybe. Don't know."
"Do you have any plans for what you wanna do after high school or college?"
"Who are you seeing right now?"
I nearly trip over myself. "What? Uhh, that's a bit out of left-field. Heh, Didn't know you were interested in tha-"
"Are you going to answer or what?"
Haruhi looked at me with a seriousness seldom seen on her. What brought this on all of a sudden?
"Well, I guess no one. I'm flying solo for now."
Haruhi eyed me with the utmost skepticism. "You don't think I've noticed?"
"Noticed what?" I'm confused, but also curious as to what she's talking about.
"You and Yuki. Always sneaking off. Going to her place all by yourselves. You couldn't have thought no one would notice."
Oh, I see. This is just a misunderstanding. Though I didn't think she had known. "Nagato? There's nothing romantic there. We just talk about a bunch of stuff, drink some tea and then I leave. There's no "sneaking" to it."
"Oh? That simple? Then why don't you invite one of the other members? Or do you give them their personal time with you as well?"
Woah, Haruhi's surprisingly perceptive. Better end this before I let something slip. "Well, it's just time spent hanging outside the club, y'know?"
No, I don't know, since I've never been invited."
"Are you jealous?"
Thankfully, Haruhi stayed silent for a time. Which gives me time to collect myself. She's asking some pretty hard-hitting questions and I need a breather. Haruhi always walked to the beat of her own drum, so I wouldn't take her to really care what we did outside the brigade's activities. Her voice brought me out of my thoughts.
"Not really. Just curious about you and Yuki, really. You two seem awfully close. More so than with any of the others."
"Well, we're good friends. We enjoy each others' company. There's nothing more to it. Just two people hanging out drinking tea."
Haruhi seemed satisfied with my answer and finally allowed herself a smile. "Good. Cause inter-brigade relationships with any other members are strictly off-limits!"
"Any other?"
Before I could pry any further, we heard a bone-chilling scream from outside.
"That sounded like Asahina! I swear if Koizumi even laid a finger on her!" I dashed outside the school, Haruhi struggling to keep pace.
I dropped all the bags on the ground, ready to defend Asahina as much as my body would let me.
"Hey! What's going on out-"
We were treated to the humorous scene of Nagato standing in front of the car in her witch costume, wand outstretched towards the car. It appeared Koizumi had been trying to reason with her to get inside, to no avail.
"Nagato? I think you're having fun but we're not filming yet? There's not even a scene with a car in the movie. I mean, I don't think this takes place during modern times…"
Nagato was having none of it. "All your base are belong to us. Resistance is futile." Looks like Nagato's discovered the internet.
Asahina was inside the vehicle, curled up on the seat, her voice trembling as she whimpered about. Too cute!
I put my hand on my face. Well, now I feel like a douche. That was kind of jerkish just assuming that Koizumi would even do such a thing. I mean, he's saved my life on occasion as well. He deserves more credit than I give him.
I glanced in his direction just in time to see him turn to me, at which he just gave one of his awkward waves complete with stalker smile. I felt shivers run up my spine. Gross, never mind.
"Yuki! That's perfect! That's just what this film needs! A high-speed car chase!" Haruhi switched back to her usual demeanor in an instant, megaphone already in hand. Talk about a mood swing. "Kyon! We're gonna do a-"
"Stop pointing that thing at my ear!"
She lowered the megaphone, but still continued to shout. "We're doing a car chase scene next! Get that camera ready! Rev that engine! Places everyone!"
The driver was completely lost. "Excuse me, miss? What's happening?"
By the time the non-sensical chase had been filmed, we had driven all over town, more than once being pulled over by police and forcing Koizumi's driver to explain the need for such reckless driving. We were now on our way to Nagato's house to finish up filming, which would of course have no transition from this scene with the car chase but if I pointed out all the mistakes in this movie, we'd be here forever.
Me and Koizumi sat up front with the driver, while Asahina, Nagato, and Haruhi sat in the back seeing who could make the best love poems. Probably one of Haruhi's attempts to once again embarrass Asahina. It sounded like it was Nagato's turn. Of course, she struggled to grasp the concept.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, grass is green, and all these are true."
I could practically feel Haruhi's facepalm.
"Yuki, you've got it rhyming, but it has to be about love! Passion! Romance! Like this. *ahem, Roses are red, bees like to buzz-"
"Road work ahead? I sure hope it doesn't force us to make a detour." Koizumi had spotted an orange sign flashing the large words in our direction.
Sure enough, we saw flashing lights and large utility vehicles on the road in front of us. But of course, this setback didn't faze Haruhi in the slightest. "Aw whatever. It probably isn't that big a deal. Probably just fixing some broken water pipe or something. Full speed ahead!"
The driver appeared to still have some sanity. "I don't think so. I'll take a backroad right here to go around. I trust you kids won't need me after I drop you off here, seeing as it's still fairly close to the school."
I responded before Haruhi could get anymore wild ideas that have to do with motor vehicles. "Nope. That'll be enough for today. Thanks for driving us around."
"Very well. I believe this is your stop." He pulled in front of Nagato's building and let us out. It was late in the afternoon. The sun's rays had almost vanished beneath the horizon. If we wanted to get this over with, we'd have to be quick.
Koizumi went back to say some final words to the driver as the rest of us went inside the building. I instinctively went towards the elevator as I already knew the way, which Haruhi smirked at.
"Well, looks like someone knows this place pretty well, huh?"
"He sometimes comes over for tea." Nagato saved me from an undoubtedly awkward moment.
"Are you sure?" Haruhi still seemed odd about the whole thing.
"It is correct." Haruhi stared into Nagato's eyes trying to find any hint of her telling a lie. She finally gave up.
"You have no expression! I can't tell if you're lying to me." Haruhi stomped off towards the elevator, repeatedly pushing the button as if that would do anything. Once it arrived, Haruhi got on and immediately began lying flat on the floor. At least her investigation was over. For now.
"Mikuru, you have to try this! It'll make your stomach go crazy!"
Mikuru looked at Haruhi like she was crazy. Rightfully so. "I don't know. The floor is dirty, and my dress, uh, wouldn't cover-"
"Stop whining so much and live a little! Hurry up before it starts moving!"
Resigned to her fate, Asahina splayed herself flat and tensed herself. Why? I don't know, she always tenses herself, even when just talking.
"Hey!" I saw Koizumi running towards us, trying to make it before the doors closed on him. I stealthily began pressing the button to make the doors quickly close. "Keep the door open Kyon!" C'mon, close close close close close close-
"Thanks for waiting!"
Goddammit.
"Also, look who I ran into on the way here!" Koizumi revealed a grinning Taniguchi from behind his back. Great. Now we have two idiots. Does the pain never end?
"OH MY GOD! KYOOOON!" I was suddenly tackled by a ball of pure energy. After I was forcefully pushed into the elevator wall, I got a better look at the source, who turned out to be none other than Tsuruya.
"I'm so happy you guys are gonna keep filming! I totally believe this film's gonna kick the butts of every other film that's ever been made! Especially with Haruhi directing!"
A few people had stood outside the elevator waiting to get on, but after seeing the unfolding scene before them, they wisely chose to wait for the next cycle. The doors closed, and we were on our way towards the rooftop.
Haruhi acted like a little child as soon as we started moving. "Whoooo! Isn't this great, Mikuru?! My insides are like mush!"
"Can I get up now? I don't like this…"
Taniguchi had chosen to stand next to me and decided that I was the one to complain his grievances towards. Lucky me. "You guys are lucky I even came back at all. I didn't even really want to be here…" Then leave. "but I was forced to come around this way cause some water valve broke on my street or something like that. The whole area's flooded! It's just my luck too. I had a really important date set up for today, but she had to cancel cause of some…"
I had tuned him out as soon as he started talking, having been conditioned by Koizumi long ago. Until he said something that caught my attention.
"…even he said this movie's pretty crappy, and I have to agree. Add to that the so-called 'director' you've got over there," He pointed to Haruhi, who had begun rolling on the floor giggling like a child. "pfft. No film studio's gonna take that trash seriously. If I was you, I'd just quit."
Trash? That got under my skin. "She's more capable than she looks. At least she can make a movie. What are you doing? Besides, no one asked you to be here."
"I know! I'm such a generous guy, sacrificing all my personal time to help your failing film. And sorry if I insulted your girlfriend! You gonna defend her honor?" He laughed as if a joke had been said. "Heh, But honestly, why are you still hanging out with her anyway? Are you two actually going out or something?"
I looked at Haruhi's face as she lay on the floor, having a fairly loud conversation with Tsuruya which I could only imagine involved teasing poor Asahina to no end, and thought back to our earlier conversation about me and Nagato.
Could she be jealous of us? Does she want a similar relationship with me? Actually, she seemed much more at ease when I told her me and Nagato weren't romantically involved. I wonder…
I imagined how it would feel to have Haruhi in that position underneath me. All vulnerable like.
Pause. What did I just say? Eugh! What the hell was that?!
Haruhi looked directly at me, catching me staring at her. We stared at each other for a good minute before the tension became unbearable and we both looked away from each other, both blushing furiously. No one else seemed to notice the interaction we'd just had. How long is the way up? It's too cramped in here. Taniguchi was not helping the situation.
"Whatever, I heard you guys had a lovers' spat the other day. What was that about? Wanna fill me in?"
"We just had a disagreement." I answered flippantly. The elevator door opened up at that second. I walked onto the roof to get a breath of fresh air to counter how stuffy the elevator had gotten.
The view on the roof was beautiful. The stars had begun to show themselves as the sun's last few beams of light drifted below the horizon. The sky had turned into a stunning landscape of colors, the clouds further enhancing the view. It was something to take the breath away from all those who beheld it.
All except Haruhi.
"How's it already this dark? The camera won't be able to pick up as much with the sun down so low. Koizumi! Tell your driver he's the slowest I've ever had! It was still early afternoon when we got in the car!"
As always, she blamed others for her terrible time management skills. "It was early afternoon, until we spent two hours filming a car chase that had nothing to do with the story's plot. If we hadn't wasted so much time on that, we would've probably been finished by now."
"Hmph. Whatever, he still drove to slow for the shots to be any good without editing."
What did you expect? For him to floor it? He was going twenty over the speed limit as it was. Koizumi must've noticed my irritated state, because he started walking over here, flashing the big, stupid smile of his.
"Hey, don't worry about Mr. Arakawa. He's glad for the change of pace. In fact, he said he'd never felt such a rush while driving before. I still gave him the rest of the week off, though. Don't get too upset about it. Try to look at the bright side of things. Our film can only improve from here."
Not mentioning the fact that the rest of the week meant only one day of rest for him, I tuned out the rest of his words as I saw Haruhi and Tsuruya both fist pump energetically. Oh no. She's giving her ideas.
Haruhi raised her voice enough where I could hear. "Once Kyon edits all this together!" My eyes twitched at that statement. "This might even make it into movie theatres across the globe!. Can you imagine that! A big-name studio coming up to us asking for the rights to our movie! We'll have action figures and everything!"
She wrapped the 'Director' armband around her sleeve and pulled out her megaphone, despite the fact everyone could already clearly hear her. I watched as Haruhi settled into her role as director and began giving orders to everyone. I had to stop myself from staring as I was hypnotized by how she commanded everyone and everything, not getting flustered even as things quickly spiraled into chaos.
"Alright! Places everyone! We've got a film to finish! Yuki! You know how you tackled Mikuru before? We're gonna have it the other way around this time! Mikuru, show me your game face!"
Naturally, Mikuru emitted a squeal that sounded more like she had just been caught wearing lingerie. Immediately, Yuki took her chance and tackled Mikuru onto the floor. Or would it be the ceiling? Whatever. I'm getting this on camera.
"No! Yuki! You're the one being tackled! Reset! Reset!"
Taniguchi did not appreciate being left out. "Wait, what do I do? Just stand in the background?" For not wanting to be in this movie, Taniguchi sure loved complaining about not being in the movie.
"You fight Koizumi in the background since you're still being controlled by Yuki!"
Tsuruya chimed in. "Hey! Can we use those contacts we had earlier? Mikuru looked so cute in them!"
"Oh yeah! Of course, we can! Kyon! Do we ha-oops!" She took the megaphone away from her mouth, showing consideration for once. "Do we have anymore contacts, Kyon?"
"Nope." I lied
"You're lying, aren't you? Whatever. We'll just use the bunny girl costume instead! Mikuru, get ready to change." I panned to the 'fight' that Yuki and Asahina were currently having. It seemed Asahina's skirt had risen a bit.
This is borderline pornography, but I know a blessing when I see one. Ugh, just listen to me. I talk about Koizumi being a creep.
"Yuki, get off her already! We're wasting precious daylight! Reset! Kyon, separate the two of them, will ya? And turn that camera off, you pervert!"
By the time we'd finished filming the final face-off between the Evil Alien-Witch Nagato and the Time-Traveling Waitress/Nurse Mikuru, the sun had gone down, and the crickets had begun to make their incessant hums. We were practically done with filming, but Tsuruya had convinced Haruhi that one final plot twist would make the entire climax perfect.
"Look, Haruhi. What we've got now is enough. We're done filming. Let's just call it a day and go home."
Indignant as ever, she retorted, "Last time I checked, I was the director and you were the camera man. I'll decide when it's 'enough'." She made air-quotes when she said enough, though whatever that was supposed to mean was lost on me.
Taniguchi had, of course, grown tired of this as well. "Ugh! We've been filming for an hour! You don't even know where this whole thing is going anyway. Let's just call it a night. Not like you're winning any awards for this stupid thing anyway." What an ass.
Actually, I've got a plot twist. I smiled as I thought about my delightfully devilish idea.
"Hey, what if Asahina knocked all the evil out of Nagato and it turned out that Taniguchi was the villain all along?"
Haruhi practically beamed at me. "That's perfect! Like the power behind the throne! I like it! Everyone! The boy with ugly hair's actually the main villain! Pile up on him and beat him to a pulp! Except you Kyon. You have to catch it all on film!"
Taniguchi looked around, unsure if Haruhi was serious or not. "Well?! Come on! Go at him! This is the climax of the movie!"
"You're not joking? Kyon, what the hell man!? Why are you giving her ide-ah!" He barely made out the words before Nagato swept him off his feet and pinned him to the rooftop, uttering her recently learned phrase.
"All your base are belong to us. Resistance is futile."
Shortly after, the rest had joined in, including Haruhi, trampling the poor man underneath several hundred pounds of humans.
Life's kinda cool sometimes.