I'm back with a series of OS to work on my writing style, so expect different things from usual I guess.
Here's the first, the second should come relatively soon. I don't know when though.
Enjoy!
Komaeda never questioned why he was so fucked up before coming to the island. It was simple, it was a fact that had to be accepted because it wouldn't change. His mind was screwed, and they would keep calling him crazy.
It never occurred to him he should wonder what even was wrong with him before having to confront the Ultimates.
It was frightening how different they were.
It was also disturbing to notice how much he had diverged from the social norm, after being withdrawn for so many years. But he never wanted to ask himself before why it had been necessary to cut short every single interaction with others before.
And now he is confused.
He likes to think the reason why romantic love seems to be such an alien concept for him is because he already feels a deep mix of admiration and fondness for all the Ultimates.
He doesn't ask himself why it's so easy for him to claim he loves all of them without having any particular boundary with them. He doesn't wonder what romantic love could be, because it doesn't matter.
It isn't a relevant information in the situation they are. Besides, Komaeda rarely found love sensible. Someone might tell him – "of course it isn't it's a feeling from the heart" - but really, how could such feelings matter when you're about to kill or to get killed?
Komaeda pretends the reason why he rejects the sole idea of bearing such feelings for anybody was for his own safety. It sounds as a lame excuse even to himself though. When did he start to care for his life? He decides he is bad at lying to himself.
Then Hinata overcrosses the boundaries and shoves in his face the idea that the reason why it's so difficult for him to understand love is because he missed it in his entire childhood.
This is surprisingly far harder to ignore – because who cares after all, himself doesn't matter – or brush it off than Komaeda might have thought.
Maybe because he grew too close to Hinata already.
Or maybe because he hates pity but Hinata isn't being sympathetic, acting as if he was sorry. Hinata doesn't pretend, unlike himself.
Hinata knows what love can be.
Hinata doesn't carry the burden of a stupid fear. How easy it must be for him. But thinking this is so selfish Komaeda rejects the idea immediately. It's unfair. He doesn't know Hinata.
It's not because the other isn't sending messages of desperation that he is alright. Like Komaeda isn't.
When Hinata starts acting strangely around him, Komaeda panics. He uses the most pathetic defense he ever had – the last thing that could protect him from someone that doesn't mean to hurt him but does it anyway – and install an atmosphere of cold rejection between them.
The more he's distant with Hinata, the less the other request his presence that isn't so nice.
It works out like Komaeda planned. But he isn't satisfied.
It does not matter though, whether he likes Hinata or not.
The next time they meet, they both forget every single conversation they had on this subject, and how fucked up the luckster is.
They're on Hinata's cottage when it happens. Hinata called for him, though he couldn't figure why, and he came of course. How could he reject an Ultimate's desire? Even if he's puzzled since it's to see no one but him. Komaeda knocks and Hinata opens the door far too quickly.
Komaeda starts talking – mostly about the despair fever though he doesn't say what side effects and recollections it left him, especially these peculiar nightmares that make no sense yet but which must hold an important clue – and Hinata doesn't.
He doesn't even seem to be listening in fact – though Komaeda can't blame him on that – and when Komaeda eventually stops talking, the brunet does not stir nor react.
"Is there something wrong Hinata-kun?"
It's impulsive, Hinata tells himself. It's completely out of control or thoughts – he didn't plan anything like this – when he abruptly kisses Komaeda.
He does the selfish thing of only caring about his messed up feelings for the luckster, cause really it is already hard enough to realize and finally admit to yourself you love someone when they're about to die. Especially when it's Komaeda, whom Hinata was sure – and feared – wouldn't survive the fever.
The kiss is messy, desperate and while it's not unpleasant, it isn't a particularly pleasurable experience. And Komaeda doesn't reciprocate, not that Hinata really expected him to.
Or perhaps he did, to prove himself one point: it's alright for him to make the first move. Except it isn't, because Komaeda never accepted to be in a relationship nor expressed any feelings for Hinata. On the contrary, Komaeda tried to stop him from getting too close, Hinata understood this well.
When Hinata pulls out he's embarrassed more than anything but it turns out even worse after looking at the other's expression. Komaeda's face is frozen in shock and what looks to be dread, though Hinata can't really understand the last part.
Until a thin thread of tears escapes his eyes and Hinata curses himself for pushing on the other so much, he's at a loss of a word exactly like Komaeda, who is so shocked his face must appear funny.
Komaeda doesn't want to cry, not for something so awfully silly, it's ridiculous. But he's so shocked.
How long has it been since someone simply touched him? He had stayed away from physical contact for so long! Through just a second, Hinata went far past their usual relationship by throwing himself into Komaeda's private space and... kissing him.
No, he doesn't want to cry for this. But he can't stop the tears, and the anxiety.
He does the thing he'd always been the best to. He runs out of the cottage, aiming for his own, without turning back when Hinata calls after him.
"Please don't forget... that I love the hope sleeping within you from the bottom of my heart."
An aftertaste of lie lingers.
Komaeda doesn't want to look at Hinata, not anymore.
There's a burning shame in his chest.
He's sprawled on the cold floor, his thighs burning and his hand could be on fire. The pain is fast to come but doesn't leave and keeps forcing his mind back to the reality every time it escapes.
The wait is long. At least, it feels long, though it could be that his time perception is fooled by the dementia or more simply by the discomfort – to say the least – of his current situation.
Komaeda absolutely refuses to think. He lets his mind wander to avoid facing the real world. It's easier not to ponder on the future. It had always been a big question mark with his luck, and this time would be no different.
Komaeda doesn't want to know who is going to die. He doesn't want to know whether his plan is going to work or not, and if he will be regarded as a true symbol of hope for making the Ultimates Despair disappear.
In the end, he doesn't care, because all of this is a lie and the truth isn't one he desires to know.
He just wants the pain to stop. It's awful. His nerves are cracking and somehow he wonders if how much longer he is supposed to stand it.
There is finally sound coming from behind the curtains. Komaeda can hear the shouts and can only guess the fire did lit. He sort of pass out and when his conscience comes back, there are extinguishers thrown. Poison.
This one doesn't hurt at least. It's painless, colorless, tasteless. Invisible Death.
It's quick as well, and Komaeda soon feels his mind blacking out. He releases the string that kept the spear on the ceiling, and it falls, piercing his insides. The shock is so violent it cuts through the last breaths he could have had.
But he doesn't die, not yet. His flimsy, useless body is fighting desperately, though his spirit wants nothing more than to fade away.
In the end he sees nothing. No light or anything, only darkness invading his vision field slowly and a figure far, too far for him to reach for them, the feeling someone is watching him dying right next to him and a something tearing in his chest.
He cries he screams. Or does he?
The link between his mind and his body is getting more and more precarious, like a thin thread fraying.
He doesn't want to die yet.
He realizes there is nobody. He is lonely and he dies. He wants to have someone next to him. He missed it.
He realizes it is all meaningless and for a moment he is lost.
It isn't long though before his eyes become glassy.
The sleep is peaceful. It gives him the calm he'd always yearn for. It doesn't feel real though. Neither do the dreams that mess him up.
Komaeda never wished to actually love. Even if he knew deep inside he was perfectly unable of it, he couldn't bring himself to desire such a feeling. It was selfish, and far too sweet of a fate for him. How ridiculous would it be if he fell for someone right?
He had heard about aromantic people of course, with the time he had back alone in his house he could learn everything he wanted. The time spent to get the information was very little compared to the amount of free time he had.
He still doesn't define himself as such. He doesn't deserve such a label after all. It would be assuming he is a perfectly normal person, without particular problems, not broken and it's a pretty wrapped lie. His body and mind are both ruined, destroyed, by himself.
He kept telling himself that he isn't meant to like anybody. It would be a logical ending, with how fucked up he is, so repulsive and unashamed to shatter lives. He is a criminal in fact, albeit a messed up one.
He thinks he will never love.
And yet, when he finally wakes up after a several months, desperately weak and barely alive, it stings when Hinata smiles so brightly at him. It's sad how he can't detach himself from Hinata, how he's become so dependent to the other.
It brings another feeling though. A sweet and selfish happiness that he can't – and doesn't want to understand.
He can't love anybody, he had never fell before.
Komaeda has to train his muscles to make such simple tasks it's humiliating. It doesn't make him feel any better that Hinata is so eager to help him on this. If Hinata wants so much to better himself, then he should focus on someone actually important. Something he destroyed himself.
Komaeda is pretty sure he didn't need anyone to fuck himself up.
"I love you." Hinata whispers once, while support him in his walk.
The sentence pierces a hole in the never healed, invisible wound and Komaeda cracks an expression of distaste.
"I'm sorry."
He really can't make a better reply.
Komaeda is sorry for Hinata, whose only person he fell for out of all the students was the luckster. Someone who couldn't even get over his insecurities and give his love back.
He is sorry, because love is such a foreign concept and Hinata deserves better, far better than someone as disgustingly hesitant as him.
He is sorry, because he doesn't love Hinata like he should.
"What about this thing you told me in the Strawberry House? Wasn't it a confession?"
"That's not it! We were starving remember, and I was a bit delirious – dementia turns a lot of things into weird situations. Don't use that against me, I wasn't in my right mind."
Hinata almost replies that he is never in his right mind – even if it would be disgusting for the brunet to blame the luckster for his dementia – but instead – because it is far more acceptable – he nods silently.
It still hurts, because he didn't need to feel rejection once again, but there's only so much he can do with Komaeda. Hinata shouldn't expect the other to accept his feelings when his behavior in the simulation screamed the contrary.
It leaves a bitter taste for the two of them, and Komaeda truly feels sorry once again because he keeps running and making up excuses to push Hinata away. He is sorry for the brunet who is far too insistent and won't find anything satisfying in him.
When he finds Hinata again, he realizes he is unable to run away again.
"If you keep refusing my help they'll never let out of the hospital."
Komaeda would rather not have to rely on Hinata all the time, and being pressured to lie down and make his actions scream "Protège moi" because who needs protection, but he isn't foolish. He certainly does not desire to waste his last days in the building with the horrible smell. Awakening from the simulation was despairing enough.
He accepts to let Hinata a little bit closer since it is so needed.
He tells himself he doesn't want it though. He doesn't like to have someone next to him like this.
It's a lie.
At some point Hinata asks calmly why he refuses to grow a relationship. Komaeda can't answer.
Hinata makes him realize it's alright to be insecure. He doesn't have to be with someone.
"But I wish now."
He had never fell before. He had always rejected every single interaction he could avoid. But then on the island, he never closed himself to the Ultimates. Back in the simulation, he thought it was a mistake when he realized Hinata might have come to enjoy the time they spoke together.
Komaeda didn't realize he was the one who slowly started to grow a romantic interest as he was learning Hinata as a person and not only as an Ultimate.
"I think I like you."
Hinata understands. He had expected to be rejected again, but he was glad he could go even further in their relationship. He wanted to know Komaeda more. To understand, and help him build himself again.
"I can't deal with all your issues. But I can try."
Komaeda nods.
Once, after he's finally allowed to leave the hospital and go back to the cottage he lived in for the whole time of the simulation, someone visits him.
Komaeda really expected no one. It is already a miracle that Hinata still wants to associate himself with someone like him after everything he had done, not only in the game but during the despair. Komaeda didn't think anybody would ever forgive him in the simulation, and now back in the real world – a second chance he doesn't deserve – it is no different.
It's true they all have things to blame themselves when it comes about the world's destruction, but can anyone really pin any reproach on Hinata? It was his hands who destroyed, but not his mind. The only mistake Hinata did was wording the wish of being someone else, of being recognized as he thought he ought to be.
There is no excuse for Komaeda though, not that he is searching for one. He knows his actions were deliberate, and isn't yearning for forgiveness. He already did enough, it would be disgustingly self-centered of him to wish for the Ultimates not to hold a grudge. On the contrary, he avoids interactions with them – except with Hinata.
But this time, Souda comes knocking on his door and Komaeda is confused. It can't be a mistake, the cottages are the same than in the simulations and the mailbox in front of them shows clearly the owner of the place. So what exactly could bring the mechanic to see him?
"Um hello Souda-kun. Are you searching for something?" Komaeda asks a few seconds after opening the door.
"N- I mean yes!" Souda looks rather angry but mostly conflicted – he is an open book, it's so easy to read him through his face – and Komaeda can't fathom why.
An awkward silence follows as the luckster wonders what he should respond. Eventually, he only slide to the right so Souda can enter in the cottage. If there's a conversation to be made, it would be better if it wasn't on the threshold. Komaeda waits for the other and the mechanic starts talking again though he still isn't collected at all.
"Y-you! You keep hiding here!"
"I'm sorry Souda-kun but I'm afraid I don't follow you. Could you be insinuating that you would like to see me out of here? Somehow I doubt it."
"No! Stay here if that's what you decide, we're better when you're not creeping on us! Nobody wants to see you around."
The luckster's collected face doesn't falter, even a little. Being told a reality he was aware for long wouldn't unsettle him so easily.
"Yes I figured as much. But then why did you come to talk?"
"What you're doing there doesn't matter for us! But you're taking all my soul friend's time! You better not do anything weird around him! You're too dangerous to be with Hinata!"
"Ahh I see. I guess it won't help if I tell you I have no interest nor intention to hurt Hinata."
Souda's outraged face is enough of an answer. Komaeda doesn't even know why he's reacting so negatively. It isn't as if he's trying daily to murder Hinata or anything. But he can understand why the Ultimates would have reservations and would be wary around him, even if they all are murderers as well.
They just don't happen to be demented.
"Then tell him! Tell him it would be safer for him to lose his interest in me. I tried, but Hinata doesn't listen. I never asked him to keep coming to the hospital."
But Souda is apparently as stubborn as Hinata, except that he lacks the perceptiveness.
"You're lying!" there are tears at the corner of his eyes - is the mechanic so bad at arguing? - and Komaeda is progressively getting more and more annoyed with this conversation.
"What do you want me to do? Tell you I'm manipulating him? If that is want you want to think then go on."
"You are! You keep playing with him, creating a link he doesn't want and making yourself necessary. Do you know how devastated he had been at the end of the simulation? He was hiding it but your death perturbed him a lot."
Komaeda forces himself not to frown at the problematic information given to him.
"You should be glad that he was a little close to me in the simulation. It's his general understanding of me that saved you. Otherwise, you would have been unable to figure out this case."
He laughs, raspy and forced, upon seeing Souda's stunned expression.
"Oh did you think he didn't tell me exactly what happened after I died? I value knowledge as a form of power, and especially as a necessity. You don't have much choice when your memories tend to slip away." he sighs, smirking and Souda doesn't question his last sentence.
"I don't want to see you around him again! You're only trouble and Hinata doesn't deserve that. Leave him alone!" Souda flees out of the cottage in a blur of colors and sound, as if the last order applied to him as well.
Komaeda is unsure what can come out of this meeting. He knows Souda's unvoiced threats aren't serious nor dangerous: the mechanic is only worried for Hinata. What he doesn't know is that the anxiety of an accident happening to the reserver due to the white haired boy's luck never leaves Komaeda.
The meeting is never mentioned to anybody.
"I don't understand" he blurts out once in front of a screen.
It's a pity their communication with Nanami has been reduced to a simple computer. But then it is his fault – though Komaeda wasn't aware of this consequence of his plan before now.
"Hum? What do you mean?" she asks, tilting her head.
It is easy to open himself to the gamer, surprisingly so. After murdering both himself and Nanami, now that he can talk to her alone – without any member of the Future Foundation spying on him to make sure he wouldn't destroy the computer – Komaeda finds that she truly never wanted them any harm.
Besides, if Nanami desires the Ultimates' safety and well being she understands when they are sometimes being a little self destructive. She doesn't stop anyone though she doesn't approve. She deems it normal for their slow recovery to have small breaks, making them temporarily fall back in a despair far less concerning than during the Incident.
She never blamed him for not even trying – or wanting – to live back in the hospital, only helped as much as she could with positive words. Somehow it worked out. So Komaeda trusts her. She is a reliable person who wants nothing more than for him to be okay.
"Mm did you ever fall in love with someone?" he hums and Nanami puts on a thoughtful face.
"No I don't think so... It would be easier for me to understand romance in dating sims otherwise."
Her smile is heart warming and if he still doesn't feel he deserves her, he appreciates her efforts to cheer him.
"I see. I'm a bit at loss of experience in this field as well."
"Did you recently fall for someone Komaeda?"
He smiles at her as well but it looks less genuine on his face. Less appropriate. As if he shouldn't wear such an expression.
"It seems I have."
"It's Hinata, isn't it?"
Nanami is a great observer. Sometimes more than Komaeda would like. But it doesn't matter anymore. Privacy is the comfort of the people who have nothing to reproach to themselves.
"You're right. But it's confusing. I never experienced a single feeling of romantic love before, and assumed I-"
He cuts himself before starting to rambling. Nanami doesn't like his self depreciating fits.
"Anyway, I didn't think I would ever love someone. Besides, I didn't love him at first. It was rather problematic in the simulation when he showed clear affection to me that I couldn't return."
Nanami gaze is comprehensive and he wonders how it could even make sense.
"Then what happened for you to develop romantic feelings for him?"
He gives it a few seconds thought, but it's obvious enough.
"I got to know him truly. Not as a reserve student, as someone without talent, but as a person with a lot of qualities and some defaults as well. I guess I grew closer to him."
"Then why is this perturbing you? It is only another experience. Furthermore, you know where these feelings are coming from. There is no reason to be afraid of them. I understand the sudden proximity can be frightening, but you need to take it as a natural thing."
"I see, this is what Nanami-san think." Komaeda nods, thoughtful, pondering on her words.
"One more thing. Do you think the reason why you don't feel love is because of your virtual nature?"
"No I don't believe that's why."
The luckster hums again in approval, feeling very satisfied by her answer. It was interesting and encouraged him into his choice of trusting Hinata with this.
"Alright, thank you Nanami-san! I'll probably see you far sooner than the last time." He chirped, smiling in relevance.
They're laid on a bed – well sprawled would be more accurate – naked to the waist and close enough that they could almost be in each other arms. But Hinata never asked if it was alright to actually cuddle and hug instead of keeping distance like this, and Komaeda rarely takes initiative.
It is enough they might think as Hinata strokes slowly the other's hair stands. It might be enough to stay just like this, far too close for anyone to suspect they weren't in a particular relationship.
Komaeda seems peaceful with his head on Hinata's lap and Hinata would be glad if he knew it wasn't an act. If he wasn't aware that the luckster still looks at his body with disgust.
They have a hard time dealing with the memories of the despair, but Komaeda is the most revulsed of them all because of the marks it left permanently on him.
So Hinata can only take the pale hand and kiss the knuckles with reservation, and Komaeda allows the not too intimate gesture.
He doesn't speak, but cracks a tiny smile at the edge of his lips that make Hinata's heart flutter.
Hinata's still scared Komaeda would leave at any moment, and still wants to hold him, ensure he could always stay but he knows it's impossible. Komaeda can never stay for too long, he'll eventually fade away.
Unless it's Hinata who disappears.
So the only thing he does is plant a small kiss on the other's forehead.
If there's someone whose behavior sets Hinata off, it's Koizumi's. Nothing in the simulation let him think she would be opposed to his relationship with Komaeda. On the contrary, he thought she went over that "real men" thing, but apparently it got worse.
Or maybe it was because he never really knew her. Kamukura spent months with the super high school level despair, but he didn't. They were sort of strangers for him.
It still surprises him when Komaeda slips out by mistake that Koizumi visited him, and the matter would have been dropped as soon as it appeared if Hinata did not ask what she wanted. He does though, and Komaeda flinches, knowing the conversation would not end in a positive way.
"She said that real men shouldn't play with feelings."
Hinata is astonished, left gaping because of the insult. They don't play, far from it, they only try not to fuck up too much in their relationship because they are already both enough of a mess.
They are both broken by what they did – their sole fault, nobody could deny it – and they are trying to fill up the cracks, collect the pieces and build themselves again. They are dependable of each other, even if they aren't really close.
It stings a lot, burns even. But the worst is Komaeda's reaction: neutral, almost embarrassed. As if it isn't a big deal, as if he didn't want to tell him because he knew Hinata would overreact.
Hinata is certain it's not the case though, and Komaeda's absence of anger or hurt worries him. He doesn't need to ask Koizumi to know how the luckster probably reacted, and to be acutely aware that she certainly worsen his hate of himself – he could see the self-depreciation in the even gaze.
"She is wrong."
His tone is forceful but he can tell it's not enough to convince Komaeda of how misguided her criticism is. How alright it is for the luckster to keep his distances because he's not comfortable and Hinata doesn't want to push on him more than he already did.
"No she was absolutely right!" Komaeda exclaimed with a grin far too wide, his lack of excitement betrayed by the desperate laugh he gave.
"I keep toying with you, letting you come closer by moments only to reject you after. All you're asking for is for me to accept and reciprocate your feelings but I can't even do something as simple as that! I really wonder how you can't put up with someone like me."
Hinata feels betrayed, though he doesn't know by whom, because he believed they had gone past the "someone like me" pretense.
He figured he could actually help Komaeda think higher of himself, but every single successful improvement finds itself shattered by an unfortunate occurrence. They don't work.
"You really think that? Is that really your belief on this subject or are you just adapting to the view Koizumi forces on you, as always?"
It makes Komaeda stop his rambling immediately. He trembles slightly, not looking at Hinata anymore, but instead gazing at the floor, his face closed. It doesn't even take Hinata two seconds to understand he fucked up.
"It's okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to trap you again. It's alright, it's alright." it feels as though the same words could be uttered to him. They are really screwed, aren't they?
"You are by no means playing with my feelings. It's okay to be hesitant, to develop a relationship slowly. I don't hold anything against you. You have a pretty heavy past when it comes to people you get close to, and I won't ever blame you for being insecure. It doesn't make you less of a person, of a human being whose feelings have to be acknowledged."
Hinata flinches when Komaeda rushes on him as soon as he's done speaking. The white haired boy's moves are urgent, showing nervous desperation, and he hides his expression on Hinata's shoulder.
He initiates the contact though so the brunet wraps his arms on the writhing figure of his "lover". He had rarely seen Komaeda cry, and especially not on him, so open, lowering his guard by showing his trust on Hinata.
Yes, they were definitely closer than one could tell by the so tiny romantic aspect of their relationship. But they trust each other trust. It is enough.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to love you as much as you do."
Hinata nods. He doesn't smile, and Komaeda takes note of this difference immediately. Hinata doesn't feel the need to hide behind a usual expression. It was to be expected.
"It's alright."
Hinata doesn't blame him on anything. He wouldn't even mind if Komaeda didn't have any romantic feelings for him, as long as he could be by his side.
They might say that love was unnecessary. A half-platonic relationship like theirs is enough.
And really, it is.
There, I hope you liked it! Don't hesitate to leave me a review to give me your criticism, it's always interesting :)