I did not mean to love you. I did not mean for my feelings towards you to become like this, to change until they haunted my every waking moment and even now spill over into my dreams each night. We were friends, I'd even venture so far as to say best friends, or the closest I think either of us could ever come to such a friendship. You came to me when there was no one else who would listen, with your hopes, your dreams, your fears. I welcomed you gladly, more than willing to offer advice or to just sit and listen if that was what you needed. You let me see a side of you that no one else could see – I saw the kindness, the compassion, the bewilderment when you finally realised that the world was not the place of love and beauty you thought it to be, that there were people who did not have the same honourable thoughts and intentions as you.

We have known each other a long time you and I, almost longer than I can remember. Two young boys, afraid and alone, away from home for the first time… finding you was what saved me, what made me realise that I could get through those years of self doubt and uncertainty and become stronger because of it. You gave me hope, you gave me light, you gave me something to believe in. The only thing you could not give me is the one thing I now need more than anything…

I let you kiss me that night. Even now I don't know why you did that, what it was that made you pull me into your arms and press your soft warm lips to mine. I do know though that I have never felt anything like that in my life, that it ignited a fire within me that now refuses to be extinguished. You were so apologetic, so shocked at what you had done that I had no choice but to reassure you, to tell you that it was forgiven and forgotten and would never change things between us. How could I do otherwise with you standing there, tears in your eyes as you begged me to forgive you?

So I let you go, told you everything would be all right and let you walk away, reassured that your life was not about to fall apart around you, that tomorrow the sun would rise in the morning and the world would continue as usual. You left, calm and happy once more, whilst I remained with a deep burning ache in my heart to cry myself to sleep and to wake in the night wishing desperately that you were in my arms.

I could never talk to you of this, never broach the subject with you again after that night. The horror and revulsion you so clearly felt over what you had done left me with no doubt as to what you would do if I tried to repeat it, if I begged you to stay with me, to let me hold you, touch you.

I want to hate you, to hate you for what you have done to me, but I cannot. The very thought of you sends my pulse racing, makes it ever so slightly harder to breathe. And when I am in your presence it is all I can do to prevent myself from falling at your feet and confessing everything, every last thought, feeling, desire…

You will never know how I feel about you, never know this secret that I am forced to keep locked away inside of me. I value your friendship, your company, your very soul too much to be able to do anything to jeopardise what we have. But I sit here now, tears blurring my vision as I write these words, words that will soon be consigned to the flames and that will have no place but in my memory. Flames that dance high and bright in their intensity and then burn me without realising it, only to continue merrily afterwards, oblivious to the damage that has been done…