Love Thee Better

Inspired by this poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Ennis was closing the gate behind him. He finished checking the fencing in the north pasture. It was the end of a long exhausting day and he was ready to go home. He got back on the chestnut gelding and gave him a kick to get him moving back towards the stables.

"Hey Ennis," Bob Parker greeted. Bob was the owner of West River Ranch and his boss. "How is everything out there?"

"Real good, boss. I fixed a break near the creek." Ennis took the saddle off Henry and brushed down the horse and put him into his stall. He heard voices coming from the other end of the stable. He walked over to the source of the sound and spotted the Vet and Larry, one of the hands. In the stable was a blue heeler with a litter of puppies. They had been weaned.

Larry was holding the runt of the litter, it was a tiny thing. You could tell it was underweight and was getting pushed away at mealtime by his siblings so he wasn't getting enough to eat from his mother.

"I don't' think this little fella is gonna make it. He's gonna need someone to take care of him." The vet explained.

Ennis remembered the blue heelers he and Jack had on Brokeback. How Jack took to the smallest one. Would talk to him, and give him scraps from his dinner. Ennis would admonish him sometimes, he shouldn't spoil the dog. He was a working dog and shouldn't be treated like he was a pet. But Jack being the softhearted soul that he was would sneak food to the pup when he thought Ennis wasn't looking. Ennis would secretly smile at that gesture. He ended up getting him to do the same thing.

"I think the dog should be put down, he'll never be able to earn his keep around here." Larry told the vet.

"Now I don't think ya gotta do that now. He doesn't look all that bad." Ennis joined them in the stall and gently took the pup into his arms. "Hey there fella, you're a good boy." Ennis was softly talking to the pup, petting his head and holding him against his chest. He noticed the pup had blue eyes, eyes that reminded him of.

"Hey Ennis, looks like you've taken a shine to that dog." Bob had joined them in the stables. He'd come to check up on the litter.

"Well there's talk of putting this little guy down and I just don't think it's right is all." Ennis looked his boss in the eye then looked down at the pup. He felt a hand go to his shoulder.

"I don't think it's right either. How about you take the pup home with you?"

"Boss?" Ennis locked gazes with the man.

"You're all alone in that trailer of yours. Why don't you take the pup, he's yours if you want him."

"That's awful nice of ya boss, but you know I'm not home all day. Can't leave him all alone in the trailer."

"Bring him with you. Maybe he'll learn to be a good herder or at least a good companion for you. Now no arguments, the dog is yours.'

"Thank ya." Ennis didn't let on just how excited he was to have the dog. It had been fifteen years since Jack died and there were times he was missing his friend so much he couldn't stand it. And other times he just resigned himself to living alone.

Ennis stopped off at the feed store and bought a big bag of puppy chow and some bowls for him and a collar.

When they got home Ennis watched the pup struggle to get up the trailer steps. He leaned down and gently picked up the small dog and carried him inside.

"Are ya hungry pup?" The puppy looked at him with those blue eyes and licked Ennis' cheek.

"I guess that's a yes." Ennis put the pup down on the thin carpeting and set about washing out the bowls. Filling one with fresh water and the other with some puppy chow.

"Now how are we gonna find a name for ya, huh?" Ennis sat on his reclining chair watching the pup scarf down his food.

The dog licked his chomps and gave out a low burp.

"Well if that don't beat all, ya sound just like Jack fuckin Twist." He remembered how Jack would stuff his face like there was no tomorrow then sat back and burp.

A sound from the closet made Ennis jump. He got up and slowly opened the door. The two shirts hung reverently on the hanger, the postcard was still tacked next to them. He looked down and spotted a belt buckle lying face down on the floor. Jack's mom had given it to him when he'd gone to see her about Jack's ashes fifteen years ago. She said she knew Jack would want him to have it. It was the same one Jack had worn up on Brokeback. The one he showed off to him.

The pup had wandered over and was sniffing the buckle. Ennis noticed there was something etched on the back. He bent down for a closer look. "J.T." Ennis whispered as he read the initials.

"Ruff," the pup barked wagging his tail as he put his paws on Ennis' knee and licked his face again.

"JT?"

The pup barked again.

"I guess we done found a name for ya." Ennis smiled and pet the pup's head.

That night after he let the pup out to do his business he made sure he put some newspaper down on the floor in the kitchen area.

Ennis brushed his teeth and put on some PJs and climbed into bed.

JT climbed in with him. Ennis was going to tell him to get down when those blue eyes stared at him and his wet nose pressed against his side and Ennis melted.

JT cuddled up close to him and lay his head on Ennis' chest. Ennis put his hand on the pup's head and they both fell asleep.

Ennis had had many dreams since Jack's passing. Some were the worst nightmares he'd ever had. That his worst fears had come true and instead of an accident like Lureen had said Jack had been alone in a field and a group of men with tire irons left him a bloody pulp in a field.

Tonight his dream took him back to Brokeback. Seeing Jack come back from tending the sheep. He made supper for both of them and Jack was bitching about the beans just like always.

He remembered that they decided to switch places. Jack could barely cook but he didn't care. He'd made a friend on that mountain and he found love too.

He held Jack in his arms and looked at Jack's smiling face, his blue eyes. He noticed they were slowly fading like a puff of smoke.

"No, no Jack. Don't go, don't leave me!" he could feel the tears welling up.

Unlike other times he could hear Jack's voice. "It's alright, cowboy, I ain't gone far. I'm always lookin out for ya. I got us a spot on Brokeback and I'm waitin till its time for you to join me. Meantime just remember ya aint alone." And with that Jack disappeared. A blue heeler came into the tent and licked his face.

It took Ennis a few moments to realize his face was really being licked. He opened his eyes, which were wet with tears, and felt JT licking the tears off his face.

He rolled onto his side and wiped the wetness from his face.

JT cocked his head and sat beside Ennis. "It's okay boy just dreamin." He lay back down, JT cuddled against him again.

JT proved to be a good companion. Ennis took him to the ranch. He took to herding like a duck takes to water.

"Looks like your dog is doin real good, Ennis." Bob had joined him at the fence looking at the dog moving the small herd of sheep from one pen to another. Bob dealt mainly with cattle but he did have a small sheep operation as well.

"Yeah sure nough." Ennis looked at JT proudly. Ennis' life over the next decade was a quiet one. He was still a loner, he continued to do ranch work. Saw his daughters from time to time. Both girls had made him a grandfather. Junior had three kids and Jenny had two. He loved them all very much. But there was a hole in his heart that no one could fill.

JT kept him from being lonely at the end of the workday they'd come home and often they'd play fetch. JT running after a ball, or they run around in the field and wrestle. It almost felt like Jack had sent this dog to him to fill his days with happiness.

Ennis never thought about retiring despite the fact that he had started to develop arthritis in his hands. He loved ranching very much. His morning routine consisted of getting up, making coffee taking a shower, shaving and feeding JT then himself. He'd walk out to the truck and wait while JT did his business.

Ennis got in the truck and leaned over and opened up the passenger door so JT could jump in. "Come on boy," he whistled. JT jumped onto the seat beside Ennis. JT was ten years old but he didn't let that slow him down. He still acted like a frisky pup. Ennis reached over and closed the door. JT licked his cheek. "Good Boy." He pet his head then started the truck.

"Ya ready to go?"

"Ruff!"

They got to the ranch and Ennis saddled up Henry. Ennis was moving cattle from one pasture to another. JT was helping drive them. Everything was going smoothly until one of the cattle saw a snake. She got spooked and pushed up against Henry. The horse lost his balance and fell. Ennis, his left leg trapped under the horse. Henry moved away from Ennis and got back on his feet. The cow was heading straight for Ennis but before she could reach him JT stepped in and stood between the frightened animal and Ennis. JT was barking at her trying to distract the animal. Ennis managed to drag himself towards the fence and leaned up against it. He tried to move his leg but it was broken.

JT managed to get the stray cow back to the herd then made a beeline back to Ennis. He licked Ennis cheek.

"I cain't walk boy, you gotta go get some help. Go on JT, go get help."

JT didn't need to be told twice, he high tailed it back to the barns. Larry and Calvin were loading up a truck with hay to feed the cattle when JT came over and started barking up a storm.

"Hey what's wrong JT? Where's Ennis?" Larry came over to JT and knew something was wrong when the dog came back alone. Ever since Ennis took JT in the two were inseparable.

"Let's go Calvin I think Ennis is in trouble." Both men got into the truck and followed JT back to the pasture. He led them right to Ennis who was still propped up against the fence. Henry was standing by his side grazing.

"Ennis!" Larry joined JT who was sitting by Ennis his head resting on Ennis' shoulder.

"Larry." He explained what happened. He tried to get up but Larry wouldn't let him.

"You just lie still, me and Calvin will lift you into the back of the truck and take you back."

Ennis reluctantly let them put him into the truck. Calvin rode Henry back. JT jumped into the back of the truck to ride with Ennis.

They took Ennis to the nearest emergency room where they wheeled him into an exam room. JT was forced to wait outside in the truck. Calvin stayed with him.

Ennis waited in the exam room with Larry. They'd taken some x-rays and they were waiting for the doctor to come back with the results.

"Well Mr. Del Mar you've got a compound fracture. We're going to put a cast on." Later on after the cast was all set the doc had given Ennis some crutches and they were in his office.

"Well this cast is going to have to stay on for a couple of weeks. Which means you won't be working for a while."

"Shit, I cain't take off doc."

"Ennis you're the hardest worker on the ranch, It's been years since you've taken one day off. If anyone deserves a break it's you."

The doctor gave him a prescription for painkillers.

Ennis was quiet on the drive to his house JT was sitting next to Ennis with his head on his lap.

"I'll make sure to bring yer truck to ya." Larry told him. "And I'll tell Mr. Parker what happened."

Larry and Calvin helped him into the house. Once they had him settled Larry asked him "You need anything Ennis? I hate leavin ya alone like this." He indicated the cast.

"I'll be okay I been livin alone for most of my life." JT pushed his nose into Ennis' hand. Ennis pet his head. "Besides I got JT here, me and him are buds. Right boy?"

"Ruff!" JT wagged his tail and sat next to Ennis.

"Okay then, I'll see ya." The two men left.

Ennis grabbed the crutches and struggled to his feet but fell back onto the chair.

"Damn all I want is a beer."

JT went over to the fridge, opened the door and brought a bottle back to Ennis in his mouth.

Ennis mouth dropped open, he'd never taught JT to do this, and he was amazed. "JT you understood me?" he pet him again. Ennis spent the rest of the day getting used to the crutches.

He was just about to grab a can of beans for supper when he heard a truck pull up.

A knock on the door and Ennis was shocked to see Mr. Parker come in. Larry drove up a minute later in Ennis' truck.

"Hi Ennis, Larry told me what the doc said. How are ya feelin?"

"I'm okay, boss but I won't be able to work for a while." Ennis said downhearted

"It won't be so bad, I remember I got laid up too when I busted up my leg in a truck accident long time ago. Was driving my wife, Sophie, crazy she was real happy when I was able to get back to work. Oh speaking of Sophie she sent over some food for ya."

"She didn't have to do that, boss." Ennis muttered embarrassed.

"She's always said yer too thin. She wants to make sure you don't starve to death out here."

Mr. Parker went out to his truck and came back with several bags filled with Tupperware containers, bread, milk and juice. By the time Bob and Larry were done Ennis fridge and cupboards were fully loaded. Bob made sure there was food for JT too.

"I cain't thank ya enough. Mr. Parker."

"Oh go one Ennis, nothings too good for my best worker.

"Larry can you please wait outside?"

"Sure boss."

Mr. Parker reached into his coat pocket and gave Ennis an envelope.

"What's this?" Ennis opened it up and saw it was filled with money.

"It's yer pay and something extra to tide you over while you are laid up at home."

"I cain't take all this."

"Sure you can you earned it. Don't argue or I'll never hear the end of it from Sophie. If she found out I left you high and dry, well, she's always had a soft spot for you. Ennis."

Bob's wife always made Ennis feel like he was a member of the family ever since he joined their ranch twelve years ago.

Ennis passed the time watching TV and reading the newspaper. His daughters would stop by, sometimes with the grandkids. They were all in their twenties, how in the world did they go from the babies he held in his arms to adults in the blink of an eye he'd never know.

Junior was visiting him now and had brought his only grandson, Andy, with her. JT loved the extra attention he got from the kids.

Junior was making some coffee and Andy was in the bathroom. He noticed there wasn't any toilet paper in there and searched the cabinets for some. Then he came out and saw the closet and opened the door.

"Grandpa, why are these shirts hanging like this?"

Ennis looked over at Andy, saw what he was looking at. Watched, shocked, as he touched the sacred objects. Ennis hobbled over to the closet and pushed Andy out of the way. "Get yer damn hands off that!" He gently straightened the shirts and closed the door. "Nobody touched them shirts."

He hobbled back to his recliner and sat down. Andy looked at his mother who was as surprised at her father's outburst as he was.

"Daddy? What's wrong? Andy didn't mean any harm."

"I'm sorry Grandpa," Andy crouched down on his knees next to Ennis.

"I know you didn't' mean any harm, Andy." Ennis looked at JT sitting next to him with his head on Ennis' lap. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment.

"Why are those shirts so important daddy?" she sat on the arm of the chair and put her arms around his shoulders.

Ennis sat with his jaw clenched, even after all these years Jack was never far from his thoughts. His memories were sacred to him, sharing Jack with anyone was hard. He looked at his daughter's beseeching eyes and made a decision that might've made Jack proud of him.

"Them shirts are special to me. They remind me of my time on Brokeback Mountain. I was working up there back in '63 herding sheep that summer." He said

"Brokeback is that where you met your friend Jack?"

"You remember Jack?" Ennis was surprised Junior remembered meeting Jack that one time he'd driven up from Texas after the divorce.

"Sure Jenny and me thought he was so good looking. And we never saw you so happy. You had this look on your face we'd never seen before or since." She went over to the closet and opened up the door and looked at the shirts. She recognized her father's shirt, he usually wore light colors. She saw the blue denim shirt inside. It had to be Jack's shirt. Then she saw the postcard of Brokeback Mountain and it was like a lightbulb came on in her head. She didn't have to say it, she knew Jack was gone. It wasn't just the shirts he remembered how her father had changed. His fishing trips suddenly stopped and he had a sadness that she saw in his eyes. She closed the closet door and went over to her father.

"He meant a lot to you didn't he?"

"Yeah, he was my best friend. Only friend I ever had." JT moved his head from Ennis' knee and licked his cheek.

"I don't think he's the only friend you've had. You've got JT."

He petted JT, "Yeah, I know this is gonna sound dumb but I think Jack sent him to me." He blushed and averted his eyes from Junior.

"It's okay, Daddy, I bet Jack did too."

"He's gone, died back in '83 in an accident. He was changing a tire and the rim hit him in the face. Drowned in his own blood." His voice caught at the lump in his throat. He didn't tell anyone about his thoughts of tire irons ending Jack's life. "I wish I'd been able to save him."

He felt his grandson's hand rubbing his back in a gesture of comfort.

"Oh Daddy,' Junior wrapped her arms around him to comfort him too.

Ennis straightened up, blew his nose and looked at his daughter and grandson. "He was cremated, I did what he wanted. I took his ashes up to Brokeback." Ennis took his daughter's hands in his. "I wrote out a will, my boss Mr. Parker, well his brother in law is a lawyer. He helped me put one together. I also got some life insurance so you girls and my grandkids will be taken care of. I want you to cremate me and I want my ashes scattered up on Brokeback. Same place where I put Jack's ashes, by the Pole Bridge. Last place we camped before we had to come down. I left instructions with the lawyer how to find it. That is what I want."

"Daddy don't you worry none, when the time comes we'll make sure you join your friend Jack." There were tears in her eyes, she was so touched he wanted to be with his friend. "I promise me and Jenny will make sure your wishes are carried out." She hugged him she could tell how important this was to her father.

"Don't worry, Grandpa, we'll all make sure you're taken care of." Andy had some tears in his eyes as well.

A few weeks went by and just about the time Ennis thought he'd rip the cast off his leg so he could finally scratch it was time for him to go back to the doc to see if it was time for it to come off.

"Well Ennis I have to tell you from your latest x-rays and tests it looks like that cast can come off." The doctor set about taking it off and Ennis couldn't wait to give himself a good scratching.

"I have more news for you, it looks like you have arthritis setting in. I'd suggest you think about retiring. The cold weather and the rigors of ranch work you might re injure that leg."

Ennis' mouth dropped open. "Doc ranchins been my life. Retirement? I'd just as soon be buried right now cause my life ain't worth a damn."

"Now Ennis maybe you can at least cut back your time. Ride in a truck and not a horse." Doc suggested.

Every word the doc said was like a knife across his heart. He loved horses, loved riding. He was practically raised on a horse. Telling him to stop riding you might as well tell him to stop breathing.

Ennis left the doctor's office with Larry, who was kind enough to give him a ride. He told Larry what the doc said. JT sat next to Ennis in the truck ever the vigilant friend.

"Well I'll let Mr. Parker know, Ennis, I'm sure he'll find work for ya."

"Yeah and maybe he'll be only too happy to put me out to pasture."

"Now that ain't fair. I'm sure he's not letting a seasoned man like you go.'

Ennis just sat quiet on the ride back to his trailer.

Larry left after he made sure Ennis was settled in.

Ennis sat in his recliner, he felt despondent like he was washed up.

He put his head back against the chair and said. "What am I gonna do now, Jack?" some tears fell. He hadn't cried in a long while and he instinctively cried out to the other half of his soul.

"Yer gonna stop feelin sorry for yourself and do what ya gotta do." Ennis heard Jack's voice in his head. "Or I'm comin down there and kick your ass, though you might enjoy it too much."

Ennis laughed. He opened his eyes looked around the trailer, half expecting Jack to come out of the bathroom or something. But he realized he'd dozed off and that his only company was JT who was fast asleep at his feet.

The next day Ennis went to the ranch he took a deep breath and walked into his boss' office.

"Mornin Ennis, sit down and take a load off." Mr. Parker greeted him. "How are you feelin?"

Ennis sat down in the chair in front of the desk.

"Larry told me what the doctor said."

"I" Ennis cleared his throat, "I'll understand if ya gotta let me go." He whispered with his head down.

Bob Parker's head snapped up from the paperwork he was glancing at. "Who said I was letting you go? A seasoned man like you? Never, we'll just have to cut back on your workload some until you are feeling one hundred percent."

"Doc said I cain't ride right now, how am I gonna do my job if I cain't get on a horse?"

"You know there is plenty to do on a ranch, you can ride in the truck with one of the guys and they can take you around. You can look for trouble with the herd, the fencing. I can give you some paperwork, we always need to be on top of stuff like that." Bob got up and patted Ennis on the back. "Don't you worry none, we'll find plenty to keep you busy. You just don't push yourself too hard. Okay?"

Ennis couldn't keep the smile off his face, "Okay boss." And with that Bob told Ennis he needed him to check on their supplies, then he had a stallion on a neighboring ranch that they were thinking of using as a stud and he wanted Ennis' opinion.

Life was pretty good for Ennis, while there was always a place inside him that missed Jack something fierce, Ennis was happy. He worked at the ranch, doing as much as he could until the arthritis made him have to cut back his hours.

Through all this JT was always at his side. He was always there, helping Ennis when Ennis had trouble getting out of bed or dropped something on the floor.

JT was getting old, he lived longer than most dogs Ennis had known.

Ennis had been feeling so tired lately. It was after supper, he had beans and some soup wasn't sure why he had put together this combo but just felt like having them. Then he lay down on the bed, JT cuddled up to him real close. Was whining at him like he sensed something was different.

"S'okay boy," Ennis coughed and he noticed how cold he was feeling. "Let's get some shuteye huh?" Ennis closed his eyes, he could feel JT's head on his chest and he put his arms around the dog's back and fell asleep.

He often dreamed about Jack but this was different. He was up on Brokeback, Jack was leaning back against a saddle he looked like he did when they saw each other after their reunion. All smiles as he drove up with his trailer loaded with two horses.

"Welcome home cowboy." He got up and slowly and brushed off his jeans. "I told ya I'd be waitin for you." He walked over and they grabbed each other and kissed.

"Jack I missed you so much."

"I missed you too Ennis. Come on let's get the horses out and ride out to our home."

"Our home?"

"Yeah, been building it for us. Just was waiting for you to finally join me." They worked on getting the horses out of the trailer, saddled up and rode out. Ennis followed Jack.

"Gotta tell ya I was real happy you and my ma got along. I just knew you would." They stopped for a moment on the trail. Jack leaned over and kissed him. "I am glad you carried out my last wishes, I knew that old bastard wouldn't let ya but you didn't let that stop you none. Took me up here to our home. Brokeback." Jack kicked his horse to get him going again and they rode in silence the rest of the way.

"Well here we are." Ennis looked over and saw a beautiful ranch and off in the pasture was a herd of cows and their calves. "Like it Ennis? It's our cow and calf operation just like I done told you. And I didn't forget how much you like horses, take a look over there, cowboy." Jack pointed to some horses in another pasture. "I figured we could breed horses too." He kissed Ennis on the cheek.

"Jack I don't know what to say, how did you."

"Up here we can do whatever we want. See they was all wrong, we aren't sinners Ennis and we didn't go to hell. We're in heaven. This is our sweet life."

"Does this mean…" Ennis looked shocked at Jack.

"Yep, Ennis, it means it was your time. You come up here and joined me at last."

They hugged fierce and kissed.

Not long after they heard a dog barking. And JT joined them.

Ennis bent down and pet him. "He was a good friend down there. Was funny how he kept doing things, reminded me of…

"Me? He was sent to you to watch over you. I didn't want you being lonely in that trailer of yours. SO I kept close to you through JT. I never left you Ennis, never. And now that he's joined us we can all be one happy family up here. Together at last, you and me."

"Yeah Jack, you and me forever." They kissed again and then went into their home to catch up on lost time.

End