"I know." I whispered. "I know everything."
Will's mouth closed on his words. The air seemed to still around us.
"I know about Switzerland. I know... why I was employed on a six-month contract."
He lifted his head away from my hand. He looked at me, then gazed upward at the skies. His shoulders sagged.
"I know it all, Will. I've known for months. And, Will, please listen to me..." I took his right hand in mine, and brought it up close to my chest. "I know we can do this. I know it's not how you would have chosen it, but you make me... you make me into someone I couldn't even imagine. You make me happy, even when you're awful. I would rather be with you- even the you that you seem to think is diminished- than anyone else in the world."
I felt his fingers tighten a fraction around mine, and it gave me courage.
"If you think it's too weird with me being employed by you, then I'll leave and I'll work somewhere else. I wanted to tell you- I've applied for a college course. I've done loads of research on the Internet, talking to other quads and caregivers of quads, and I have learned so much, so much about how to make this work. So I can do that, and just be with you. You see? I've thought of everything, researched everything. This is how I am now. This is your fault. You changed me." I was half laughing. "You've turned me into my sister. But with better dress sense."
He had closed his eyes. I placed both my hands around his, lifted his knuckles to my mouth, and I kissed them. I felt his skin against mine, and knew as I had never known anything that I could not let him go.
"What do you say?" I whispered.
He said it so quietly that for a minute I could be sure I had heard him correctly.
"What?"
"No, Clark."
"No?"
"Why are you so bull headed? Charging ahead of anyone, making sure that you're in the lead. You, Louisa Clark, are possibly to most impossible person to be around. But it's not like you would know, you always have to chatting away. Never letting another person get a word in."
"Excuse me? But, I just poured my heart out to, you bloke. Told you that I spent months of life, even though I didn't know it at the time, figuring out a way for us to be together. Planning a holiday for us, it was quite tedious. And, you're saying that it's not enough?" I lean back to furrow my eyebrows where he could see.
"I-." He takes a laugh. Not from glee, but more like disbelief. "I was afraid that this holiday would make you feel this way. This is not what I wanted from you. Not even I would be so sadistic as to want to pain someone into falling in love with an invalid."
"Don't talk about yourself like that. You are not your situation."
"Clark, stop. Don't do this. Let's just be happy. Why bring our hearts into this?"
"It's too late for that."
"Then, lose it."
"I can't! Why are you being so difficult?"
"I don't want you to fall in love with a man who can't give you all the things you deserve. I won't let you. You need to be out in the world. You're blossoming into this beautiful, intelligent, and unpredictable lady; and I'm so glad that I've got to be a part of that journey. But, if you stay around to take care of me, then you won't ever go anywhere. I want you out in the world, to fall in love with a man who can take those adventures with you."
The faintest little smile twitched at the corner of my mouth. "But, you see, Will, that is not your decision to make."
"Clark, please, if-."
"I've heard enough." I slide off his lap and don't bother to find my shoes. At first, I was still. Will could have easily twitched his hand and touched my wrist, for a second I'm pretty sure that he did. A slow glide started me off, my feet and brain are both stumbling.
"Lou, do you ever want-."
"Don't talk to me about what I want. You are the only thing I want. Those big adventures are not what I want, sure they're great for nice little holidays, but I like routines. I like knowing who I could bump into and be so close to everyone I love."
"I want you to have your best chance."
"William Traynor, you are the best chance I've ever had. You make me think in ways I never thought, make me try to be more than I am. You think that magically I'll just keep doing things like that if you go die? You are the best chance I never thought I'd have. But, apparently, I'm only another little adventure for you conquer and put behind you."
Not even wanting to know what he may have in reply to that, I dart off towards the room. Colliding into the group of younger men when I turn down the hall, given their strength to my puny self, I bounced off them and hit against the wall. But not even that could stop me from running away from that little power chair that certainly was coming up behind me to try to get me to understand.
My cheek is now stinging and burning despite the ice bag held to it. In the mirror I can see the bruise forming. Part of me imagines that the new mark on my cheek was the emotional hit I took from Will.
Hot tears well up eyes. How could he be so mean and selfish? All I've done has been for him.
A knock at the door pulls me from my moping.
Maybe it's Nathan to chastise me for the scene and ruining Will's holiday.
"Hello?" I swing the door open, keeping my eyes down at a Will-ready level from habit.
"May I come in?"
As luck would have it, there's Will.
"Sure."
"Dear Lord, what happened to your face? Are you alright?"
"I tripped."
I'm pretty sure that neither one of us had prepared words, but neither of us could turn away. A little down the way other holiday-goers are shouting and laughing. How I miss being like them.
I step aside to let him roll in, then shut the door.
"Don't be mad at me. You are the only person that I actually look forward to seeing. Without your company, I would see no more reason to carry this miserable life on any farther without the possibility of you."
I walk off towards the kitchenette to get rid of my ice pack.
"Then imagine how I feel! You want ... you want to leave me and go die after making me helplessly fall in love with you."
Whoops, there it is.
"How could you possibly love me? We've known each other six months. I'm not a man to be loved, I can not love you back." The left side of his face starts a spasm. No matter how mad I may be, I can not let him get too worked up. I lower down to my knees and take his hands in mine. The slight grip his finger lent me let me know he wanted to hear what I had to say as much as I wanted to say it to him.
"It's not about what you can do. There's nothing I feel like I'm missing. All that I want is all that you've already given me. Your time. It's all that I want, all of your time. Just give me more time. I'll do anything you want." My head lays on his knee. With a gentle tug, he places his hand over my head. His palm resting on my temple and fingers gently resting over my newly bruised cheek.
"For Heaven's sake, Clark, please don't start getting all blubbery lipped on me. You're gonna want a husband and family of your own. I can't support you or even give you a child. You need be out there enjoying the world for all it's wonder."
For being the caregiver, I felt paralyzed.
"You're talking things that are so far away. Can't we just live for now? Just be with each other? You've given my life a purpose. Before you, everyday was just a routine. Now, I can't wait for the adventures and new things we'll discover together. Without having to look forward to seeing you each day, I believe my will to live would be gone."
"Don't be so dramatic now. I'm just a guy who has been forced upon you. We do enjoy our time together, but-."
"So, you don't love me back?" My voice could not have been more than whisper. I raise my head to look him in the eyes.
"Of course I do, Clark. That's why I want to set you free."
"I'm not imprisoned. I am free. Why is it okay if you want to die because you feel cheated from life? But I don't wanna live without you and I'm being dramatic?"
"It's not the same at all."
"Give me a chance to prove to you that I can make your life worth living. I just once in my life want for someone to say that. Why can't just one person love me the way that I love them? All around me, everyone has something that makes their life worth living and they could live without me around. All I want from life is to have someone need me."
"You are so much stronger than needing anyone. This I know."
"You're not going to change your mind, are you?"
Nothing but silence.