Three Years Later

by CaScAdEd-TeArS

Losing a loved one can be very painful. Specially if that person was everything you cared about... Some people eventually move on... but unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky... Hearts can easily get broken..but its putting back the pieces that is hard

(A/N) : Yes yes i know...i shouldn't even be uploading a new story until i finish Worlds Apart but i just had this idea after reading a fanfic and couldn't help it!

So enjoy and I'm working on Worlds Apart i promise! :p

Disclaimer: I Don't own BTR..i do have own a few posters up the wall though! :D

Logan's P.O.V

life does not always turn out the way you plan. one day you could wake up and as the day goes on, something happens that change your life forever. Three years ago my life was almost perfect. I was one of the top secret agents working on a secret mission that would save many innocent lives. The part of mission we had to do on that day was simple. we go in, make a copy of a key kept in a safe in Arthur Griffin's office and get out.

Simple right?

But like i said earlier, life doesn't always go according to plan. I had a partner with me that day, and when i say partner i don't just mean business partner. This partner is my life.

at least he used to be...

I stopped talking about him almost right after it happened. Like i was trying to trick my mind into thinking he never existed. Like it was a beautiful dream in my head and not a reality that was brutally taken away from me. Leaving me broken, angry, hurt and confused.

How else could you deal with the pain of losing the only person you dared open your heart to. The only person you allowed yourself to fall for. The only person that meant everything to you. The only one who could make you smile through the saddest moment of your life. The person whose presence was enough to make you happy.

How do you wake up one day accepting that you will never see his beautiful face again. That you will never hear his voice again. That you will never hear him screaming your name as he come undone. That you will never hear him panting slightly after every time you made love. That you will never feel him pulling you into his arms as you both slowly drift into sleep. But worse of all...that you'll never see him again. you'll never see him laughing again. After all, the dead don't laugh do they.

People tried for so long to get me to face life again. As time went by, their attempts became less and less. Soon enough, they all gave up. Most of them at least. The only two people who, till this day, still try to get me to open up to life again are my best friends Kendall Knight and Carlos Garcia. As much as it hurts to admit it...i hated that they didn't give up on me. That they refused to leave me alone. To leave me drown in my own misery. I know they only meant well but they just don't understand. Seeing them kills me. It brings back memories i have tried so hard to forget. Memories of what used to be.

Back when i was happy. Back when i had James...

Logan's P.O.V

I heard the front door open and slowly braced myself for what was about to happen. After all, it became a ritual of some sort.

"Logan? dude where the hell are you? this place needs some serious cleaning!"

I heard Carlos yelling as he closed the door behind him. I assumed Kendall was here too. I didn't feel like getting off the couch where i was currently laying. After all, they know I'll always be right here on this couch. Hiding under the covers hoping that the world would just leave me alone.

Soon enough, i felt the covers being pulled off of me. I groaned, refusing to give in and get up.

"Get up Logan. This has gone too far and for too long. This isn't healthy dude...plus you need a shower."

I glared at Kendall but made a quick mental note to force myself off of the couch and take a shower as soon as they leave.

"Logan, Kendall is just being an ass. Ignore him. But you need to get off this couch."

I saw Kendall punch Carlos's arm. obviously offended by the insult. Carlos however ignored him and came closer to me , pulling me into a sitting position and sat down next to me.

"You have to stop doing this to yourself."

"I'm fine Carlos."

"No you're not. Not even close."

"What do you want me to do? I work all week and rest on weekends."

"Logan, you're an agent not a math instructor."

"I gave up that job years ago Carlos, we've been through this"

"Logan.." Kendall started.

"No Kendall...you guys are worried over nothing. I'm fine. I work all week and the weekend is the only time where i get to rest and recharge. It's completely normal."

"Logan, you know me and Carlos are just worried about you. Ever since Ja-..."

"Don't" I warned.

"Logan, you need to accept what happened and move on. It's been three years."

" I CAN'T!" I screamed in frustration.

"Jam-"

"Kendall don't...please" I whispered. I Couldn't have this conversation. Not now..Not ever.

"I understand how hard it is for you to hear his name but you need this. You need to understand that James is DEAD. It's been three years Logan and he's gone. He's not coming back."

"Logan i know you two were in love but you need to accept what happened. That-"

"Accept what happened?" I asked looking at Kendall, tears falling and i didn't care. I couldn't. "Accept that I'm the reason he died? Accept that if it wasn't for me, he would still be alive? Accept that I'm practically the one who killed him? Is that what you want me to ACCEPT Kendall?"

Kendall remained quiet. But i couldn't.

"Do you have any idea what I'm going through? Do you have any idea how hard all this is? I see him everywhere i go. Every time i close my eyes, he's the only thing i see. Do you know that i can sometimes hear him in my head. Don't you think i know how pathetic it is to fall apart after he's gone...I know! I just wish you would all leave me the fuck alone. I can't be fixed Kendall. I tried but it's over for me! His death killed everything in me. The old Logan you guys knew is fucking dead. Just like James is."

By the time i was done, I was shaking. tears were now sobbing and i couldn't stop. I've been keeping all these emotions inside and it was killing me.

"I know you miss him...we all do Logan, but do you think he'll be happy to see you doing this to yourself? You barely eat. Me and Kendall have to make sure you do. You gave up your job even though you were one of the best..how do think this makes James feel? to see that you have given up everything ever since he died. You think he'd be happy to see you like this?"

"I can't go back to the organization. I can't face Kelly, Gustavo and everyone there. Their looks of sympathy. I couldn't handle it for a few hours during the funeral..i can't endure it for months..maybe even years. Plus, the only thing that kept me going is no longer there. I can't work in the same place where i used to spend hours with him. I just can't. I'll break down. I know i will."

"Maybe you will..but at least you'll be working for something that matters. Logan we need you, we're good, but with you we're so much better. James knew what he was getting himself into."

"Did you know that we had a fight that day. we had a huge fight and when i got assigned to get a copy of that damn key, i told him clearly that i didn't want him there. That i needed space to think about everything but he wouldn't let me go. Did you know that the last thing i told him was to 'go away"...if i only knew he would..i didn't mean it...i never did..and before i had the time to apologies, we were surrounded and i saw him get shot right in front of me...three bullets to the chest..it was a miracle i got out of there, dragging him without knowing if he was alive or dead...can you really get over such a thing?"

"Logan, we just want you to be happy again. I can't remember the last time i saw you laugh or at least smile and it's been three years. I know James wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself."

"Why did he have to follow me...why was he so careless..i told him i could do this on my own..like i already knew..deep down i knew..i knew something would go wrong..but he was just so full of energy..thinking he was fucking invincible, like nothing could ever happen to him."

"That's James. He always thought he was smarter, braver and literally invincible.."

"BUT HE HAD NO RIGHT! IT WASN'T JUST HIS LIFE HE WASTED THAT DAY...HIS DEATH KILLED ME TOO..HE HAD NO RIGHT! NO RIGHT!"

"Logan calm down...we know its hard..but you-"

"please leave...guys please...i can't do this right now..please.."

Without another word, they got up and made their way to the one last look at where i was, they turned around and quietly left.

Carlos and Kendall made there way to the car none of them saying a word. They knew Logan was hurting but they couldn't make him feel better. They fought the organization countless amounts of time to let Logan in on what was going on. But Gustavo just wouldn't listen. Logan could never know..it was too risky, too dangerous.

"How long are we gonna keep doing this?"

"I don't know Kendall...but its been three years..and you can see, he's not getting any better. He won't let it go..and it's killing him slowly."

"I know ...but what can we do. You heard Gustavo. Logan can never know."

"Since when do we follow rules Carlos. We need Logan. As much as i hate saying it, the organization isn't the same without him.."

"I'm aware of that...but we can't act on our own. plus telling Logan the truth wouldn't solve anything..it'll just mess everything up even more."

"But he's hurting so bad. I can't imagine how is James able to see him going through all this and not once show himself...i can only imagine how hard this must be for both of them..Logan blaming himself for James's death while James can see the pain Logan is in but not being able to do anything about it.."

"I know..i don't envy either of them but James knows he would be putting Logan in great danger just by showing himself."

"Doesn't make it any less painful though..and knowing we could so easily end all the pain Logan is putting himself into isn't making me feel any better.."

"I know..but Gustavo is doing this for a reason. He knows what James meant to Logan...to still keep the fact that James's death was faked to ensure that Arthur Griffin believes that James is dead and Logan got out is obviously very important to the main mission or he wouldn't have kept Logan in the dark."

"I still think we're being horrible friends..just knowing James isn't really dead and still allowing Logan to be doing this to himself doesn't sound right to me.."

"I know..I know."

Logan's P.O.V

After taking a shower i quickly dried myself off and decided that maybe it was time to take a run in the park. The fact i used to always head there with James every weekend for a quick run or a romantic lunch made me regret my choice of the park but i knew Kendall and Carlos were right. I needed to slowly force myself back into society. A run in the park could be a good start.

I quickly changed, grabbed my phone and keys and headed out.

Ten minutes later i was in the park. I forced myself to think of the last time i was here with James because i knew that would do me no good. So i just put on my headphones and started running.

I missed it. I missed the freedom that came with running. Feeling like i was too fast for the rest of the world. That no one could ever catch me and that i was free to run for as long as i want to..and that no matter what, i was free and that this is what truly mattered. I didn't notice the small piece of rock ahead and all of a sudden i tripped falling with all my weight on my left knee. I screamed in pain and suddenly i felt a pair of strong arms quickly raising me up.

"T-Thank y-you" I said through the pain. A ll i got in return was a small nod. I couldn't even see the guy. He had a pair of shades that made it impossible to see half of his face, not to mention a cap that covered his hair so all i was left with was his mouth.

I leaned on this stranger and for some reason i felt safe around him..i felt like i knew him but the glasses and cap made it hard to see who it was. He gently sat me on one of the park benches. Raised my pants' left leg and started inspecting the knee. He tried to apply some pressure on the knee and i screamed. Automatically the pressure was gone. He took out a small notebook and a pen out of his jacket and wrote something down then handed it to me.

"You need x-rays..we need to head to a hospital right away"

I handed him back the notebook.

"We? Look, i appreciate the thought, but i can get myself to a hospital on my own."

But of course, once i tried to stand up, pain almost made me fall and once again i felt the same strong arms preventing me from hitting the floor.

He wrote something in the notebook and handed it to me.

"Still think you can make it on your own?"

I groaned, but couldn't help but shiver as i felt one of his arms sneak around my waist, forcing me to lean against him for support.

James' P.O.V

God, i miss him. Seeing this man pull him off of the ground and lifting up his pants' leg to inspect the knee made my heart ache with pain. This should be me. He shouldn't be leaning on that guy for help. It should be me.

But i couldn't even move to help him. I knew that if i got any closer, he'd recognize me. And Gustavo would probably kill me for real then.

But this doesn't mean i won't follow them to wherever they were going. And it better be a Hospital. If this guy turns out to be a creep or something and hurt Logan, screw my cover, I'd kill him with Logan standing there watching.

For my luck, they went into a hospital. I kept an eye on them both while making sure Logan couldn't see me. I heard the doctor telling them that the knee wasn't harmed and that the pain was from the hit nothing more. He gave him some pain killers and basically told him he was free to go.

I heard a women's scream and before i knew what happened, the curtain i was hiding behind was pulled..leaving me few steps away from...Logan. I saw the water in his hand drop and his eyes grew wide in horror. For my luck, a bunch of doctors rushed between us and i took that as my cue to vanish.

Only thing on my mind was...he saw me!

Shit!

Logan's P.O.V

My heart was beating so fast i feared it would stop. My gaze dropped to the spilled water next to my feet and i couldn't help but gasp..James..I just saw James.

I was brought back from my thoughts by one of the doctors.

"You OK?"

"w-what?"

"You look like you saw a ghost..is everything OK?"

And that's when it hit me...I'm going crazy. I'm officially seeing dead people..

"No I'm f-fine...just a little dizzy from the pain killers."

"Oh, don't worry...they can cause dizziness and hallucinations for a few hours. Just get some rest and you'll be fine."

I thanked him and slowly made my way to the guy who brought me here...

Hallucinations...that explains it..

But i couldn't stop the heart ache...god, i miss him!

James' P.O.V

Shit shit shit...

I blew my cover. The organization is going to kill me. Gustavo is going to kill me...Logan is going to fucking kill me.

Suddenly i grabbed my phone and called Kendall.

"James? what's going on?"

"Logan saw me."

"...WHAT?"

"Look it was for a few seconds but I'm sure he saw me..."

"My god, James! How the hell am i supposed to fix this?"

"I don't know OK...all i know is, he got hurt and suddenly he was taken away by some stranger. I didn't think i just followed."

"Gustavo is going to kill us! He made it pretty clear he wanted you no where near Logan, James!"

"Look, let me worry about Gustavo , what the hell are we going to do about Logan! Kendall you need to talk to him."

"What ...Me? why? what could i possibly do to fix this?"

"i don't know...just talk to him...see if he actually saw me or not."

"How the hell am i supposed to do that?...hey Logan, by the way...did you recently see your dead boyfriend in the hospital an hour ago? ya i can see how well that would go."

"Drop the sarcasm Kendall, it's not appreciated!"

"Well excuse me! why the fuck couldn't you keep your part of the deal? you've seen him suffer much worse for the last three years and you fuck up over a knee injury?"

"Kendall don't...you don't know the first thing about me and Logan so don't make assumptions."

"What you and Logan? There is no you and Logan...according to him you're dead."

"Look Kendall...i know you have always had a thing for Logan and I've ignored it for the sake of your friendship. But i swear to god..."

"Look you little son of a bitch...Logan's welfare is what matters to me in this fucked up situation. Yes i have feelings for him but i never acted on them and i never will. Not for your sake but his. I know he loved you..hell he still does. And even though you're not my favorite person , i know you love him just as much so stop bringing the fact i have feelings for him into every fucking conversation."

"...I'm sorry."

"It's fine..i overreacted as well. But now we need to figure out what to do. Gustavo won't be happy."

"That's an understatement Kendall...he'll be fucking furious."

Logan's P.O.V

I finally made it home. I thanked the guy for dropping me off and offered him a drink. I went into the Kitchen to get the drinks and when i went back i saw him looking at the picture frames i had on the side table.

I coughed to let him know i was back he turned towards me. I noticed he took off the cap and glasses. He has light blue eyes and he grabbed his notebook and wrote something then handed it to me.

"Nice place you got here..I hope you don't mind me checking out the frames you have. "

"It's fine ..here" I said handing him his drink. I took a seat and he copied me.

"So...thank you again for helping me out there. I don't really know what would've happened if you weren't there."

He wrote something and then handed it over.

"I didn't do anything don't worry. I noticed most of the pictures up there were of you and another guy...boyfriend?"

"..Ex."

He took the notebook and gave it back few seconds later.

"Oh..I'm sorry..strange though."

"Why?"

"The looks you two share in most pictures.. i wouldn't think it was easy to end it."

"He..um, he passed away three years ago." I quietly said.

"I'm sorry.."

"It's OK..I'm over it."

"Are you?"

That was when i actually looked up from the floor into the blue eyes across.

"I don't really have much of a choice do i?"

"Well...you never know..Live can sometimes surprise you when you least expect it...Thank you for the drink and the company. It's time i leave."

I thanked him again and before he closed the door behind him he turned around, walked back towards me and handed me a folded picture and hurried outside.

I stared at the picture before i took a deep breath and opened it. It was a picture of the guy who was just here. But that wasn't what caught my attention.

James..James was standing right there on the right end of the picture. He wasn't looking at the camera but i could still see more than half his face. I had no doubt about it...this was James.

My eyes drifted to the bottom of the picture and my eyes widened in horror...this picture was taken two weeks ago..

two weeks ago...

Kendall's P.O.V

Right after James hanged up i called Carlos.

"We have a problem."

"I know.."

"Wait what? How do you even know..i just got off the phone with James."

"Oh trust me..least of our problems now is James."

"I highly doubt it...Logan saw him."

"I know"

"OK what the fuck is going on?"

"Gustavo called me."

"Crap! why?"

"Because he's changing the entire plan."

"...huh?"

"He wants Logan to know James is still alive. "

"...OK, what the fuck? why?"

"Apparently Griffin is plotting something and he needs Logan dead. That's what Gustavo just told me. He asked me to get you and James and head over to Logan's place right now."

"Shit! James? he wants James to simply go over to Logan's place? the poor guy will go insane on the spot."

"Gustavo already placed Dak in his path this morning. The stranger who took him to the hospital was Dak. "

"But how did Logan not identify him?"

"Dak joined the organization two years ago. He never came face to face with Logan."

"Look, i still think having James over is a bad idea. Let us at least prepare him mentally for it."

"He's been prepared."

"what? how?"

"Dak gave him the picture i took of him where James was shown. It had the date on it. Logan must've figured it out by now."

"My god...Logan's will be-"

I heard frantic knocking on the front door.

"Shit...i think Logan's here. Get James and Come over. NOW!"

I hanged up, threw the phone over the couch and ran to the door.

"Log-"

"Did you know?"

"Listen Logan-"

"Answer the fucking question Kendall."

"...yes"

"For how long?"

"Logan.."

"HOW LONG?"

"Three years."

"You fucking son of a bitch..."

"Logan just listen to me-"

"Don't even try Kendall..three years? three fucking years you saw how it was eating me on the inside and you didn't fucking bother saying a word..Not once!"

"I couldn't! did you think i didn't want to?"

"I TRUSTED YOU! YOU SAW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH..YOU SAW THE PAIN I WAS IN! DIDN'T YOU THINK I DESERVED TO BE PUT OF OF ALL THIS PAIN!"

Logan was angry, hurt, disappointed, betrayed..you name it!

We heard the front door open and Carlos ran inside followed by James.

"Logan stop! They weren't allowed to tell you anything. I asked them not to!" James yelled getting in between Logan and Kendall.

Logan remained silent he wasn't ready for this...Three years he was made to believe - James who was standing there right in front of him - was dead..

"How could you..how could you do this to me?" Logan whispered.

"It was for your own protection. I didn't like it..i could never lie to you but i had to. Griffin wanted you dead and the only way to protect you was to make him hundred percent sure you were out of his way."

"I had to fucking bury you! I practically died the day you died...did you even give a shit!"

"God, you have no idea how it was eating me up inside...i was told to stay away from you. That being anywhere near you was a threat to your life."

"That was not your own choice to make. We were a team god damn it! you don't get to make such decisions on your own! Not when it isn't just your life that is affected."

"I know baby-"

"Don't!"

"..what?"

"I can't deal with this..i feel like my heart is about to burst right now..God you have no idea how badly i want to grab you and take you right here on the floor from how badly i missed you...but you lied to me...you saw how your 'death' affected me and for three years you didn't care to get me out of it. You know i could keep knowing you were alive a secret. But you chose to see how dead inside i became after you were gone and did nothing to help. You don't get to call me that...not ever again."

I saw James fighting the tears so i pushed him aside. I grabbed Logan's arm and pushed him away from everyone where i could talk to him alone.

"Look, i know it was hard on you..we all do."

"Three years Kendall..it never crossed your minds to pull me out of my misery."

"We wanted to..God, we wanted to so badly. But the orders were clear...you could never know until the mission was completed..no matter how long it takes."

"Who ordered this?"

"Gustavo"

I saw James approaching us. I took a deep breath and whispered to Logan "Listen to what he has to say...you weren't the only one suffering Logan."

Logan's P.O.V

I felt strong arms turning me around to face the face i missed so much..I couldn't help a tear escape my eyes. He raised a hand and wiped it away.

"How could you?" I whispered.

"I didn't want to baby.. I swear i didn't want to."

"I had to identify the body..bury you...arrange a funeral...do you have any idea how hard all this was?"

"I know..but i also knew it was nothing you couldn't handle.."

"I couldn't handle anything James..I stopped living once you were gone..I'm sure Kendall told you..i left the organization and found another job..i let go of all of our friends except Kendall and Carlos and it was only because they never gave up on me."

"I'm sorry baby..i really am.."

"Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? seeing you here in front of me.."

"Logan..i know it was hard on you..but it wasn't exactly easy on me either. I was told not be anywhere near you. I couldn't risk being seen. You had to 'move on' without the pain of seeing me everywhere. I on the other side couldn't stay away. Yes i admit it..i couldn't stay away..and it killed me seeing you right there and not being able to see you looking at me. To look into your eyes and whisper into your ear. To be with you emotionally and physically...god i missed you!"

Before i knew what happened i was pushed against the wall and kissed like never before. My brain stopped functioning, all i could feel was James. James's tongue sweeps over my bottom lip and automatically, i let out a soft gasp resulting in james's tongue ending up inside my mouth exploring the tongue and teeth that belonged to the mouth he really missed.

Logan couldn't help but groan, pulling James closer to him. Their hips roll against each other and almost instantly, they both moan in both pleasure and slight frustration. James slides his arms over Logan's ass, giving it a firm squeeze before he pulls Logan up and the shorter one automatically wraps his legs around James's hips trying their best to make it to a bedroom without knocking over everything they came in contact with.

"God i missed you so bad...i wanna take you right here against this wall" James whispers against Logan's lips.

"So what are you waiting for?"

James groans as he pushes Logan's back hard against the wall, but the fact Logan was already working on James's neck prevented him from hitting his head against the wall.

"Fuck..I'm so hard..."James whispered against Logan's ear while rolling his hips to make sure his clothed dick rubs harshly against Logan's.

Logan lowers his hand, working on James's belt. Once he gets in open, he pushes James away and flips their positions so it's James back that's against the wall. With one last kiss to James's parted lips, he drops to his knees . Facing the impressive bulge in James's pants. He rubs it lightly just to hear a hiss from James.

"Don't tease me...p-please Logan.."

Logan couldn't deny it..he didn't want to tease James , he was desperate to have James inside him as soon as possible but at the same time, he missed this touch, these feelings for three years, he still wanted to take his time with it.

Logan quickly pulled down James's pants and leans in, nuzzling James's covered dick. He was rewarded with a whine. He teasingly ran his tongue up the the still covered shaft and this time James thrust his hips forward.

"F-FUCK..L-Logan p-please"

Logan was starting to feel bad, plus he was running out of patience himself so he decided to get straight to work. He gripped the waist band of James's boxers and slowly pulled the boxers down., coming face to face with the impressive 8 inch monster.

He experimentally licked the slit and received a hiss in return. He ran his tongue then along the entire shaft before wrapping his lips over the tip and harshly started to suck.

"O-oh fuck...Logan..."

James was panting. Logan's hand now wrapped around the base of his length and stroking at medium speed. Logan was alternating between twirling his tongue over the slit and sucking on the tip, making sure his hand alternates between medium and Slow strokes. He didn't want James to cum just yet.

"w-why did you stop?"

"You're not cumming just yet James."

"L-Logan please..."

James watched Logan walk towards the door. opening it and yelling "I suggest you both leave unless you want to hear things you don't want to."

Minutes later the front door was heard closing. Logan locked the bedroom's door and walked towards the bed where James was now sitting , arms crossed and slightly pouting.

"Would you mind hurrying? I'm getting blue balled in here!"

Logan chuckled as he started to undo his shirt's buttons before he was cut off by James. "Let me do that" and as soon as he was in front of James , the taller one leaned down capturing Logan's lips in a passionate kiss.

"I missed you so much" Logan whispered against his lips.

"I missed you more baby...I don't care what the fuck Gustavo says, I'm never leaving you until I'm really dead."

Logan didn't say anything, he just started working on his own pants. The clothes needed to be off or he was going to die of sexual frustrations.

Once Logan was naked, James started stroking him as they both walked backwards. Logan's foot hit the bed and he fell on it, James on top of him.

James came with a scream so loud that he feared the neighbors heard. On top of him was James who was recovering from his own orgasm. Still panting and slightly breathless, He pulled out of Logan, rolled over to end up next to still panting Logan and pulled him closer to his chest as they both slowly drift into the first peaceful sleep they've had over the last three years.

Obviously, this isn't a one-shot but it is the longest chapter i have ever written..so leave a review telling me how would you like the story to proceed..I'd love to hear ideas or what you guys think in general...all criticism is appreciated :D

Go ahead and review! :D