Over and Over
a fic by Clubs

"The feeling every day it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away

So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?"

"Kill him now."

The room went silent after Dean's words. Castiel slowly turned to look at the hunter, stare almost betraying some faint emotion, perhaps shock. Dean looked right back at him, forcing himself not to think about what he had just said.

He couldn't face it anymore. Couldn't do it. It was too painful. Staring into the ex-angel's face, seeing the great big nothing in Castiel's eyes, it had been too much to bear. He couldn't take it.

At first he'd tried ignoring it and avoiding it, desperate to not have to face up to what he knew was inevitable, but he couldn't do that either. He couldn't ignore what Cas was doing, everyone on earth and probably in heaven that he was killing, even if it was just douchebags most of the time.

He had had to acknowledge the fact that he was going to have to order Death to kill his former friend. A small ray of hope had shined in him that maybe Death could just do it, go to wherever Castiel was and just kill him so Dean wouldn't have to see, but that had been annihilated when the self-proclaimed god had appeared in the middle of their meeting.

So now he just wanted it to be over and done with. He had to say it, had to instruct Death to kill Castiel, because he was afraid that the longer he delayed in doing so, the more likely the chance was that he would just be unable to do it. He wouldn't be able to pull the trigger.

The look that Castiel gave Dean when he ordered his death broke the hunter. He felt beyond tears, like he just wanted to drink as much alcohol as could physically fit into his body and then die of alcohol poisoning. His heart ached when Death looked at both of them in turn before raising his hand.

"Alright, fine." He said, sounding just a little annoyed at being rushed. Dean's fists clenched at his sides, preparing for the blow to both his friend and his heart.

But Cas, without ever looking away from Dean, snapped his fingers, and the bindings on Death's wrists broke. The Horseman almost looked surprised. He looked at his hand, and lowered it.

"Thank you. Should we kick box now?"

Castiel's gaze bore holes into Dean's skull. All the hunter could think about was the message of that stare. It said a million things, none of which he wanted to hear.

'You ordered my death, Dean Winchester." His eyes said. 'Everything that we have been through, and everything that I have ever done for you, and you have ordered my death.' Dean knew that there was a sick kind of irony within that, considering how close Castiel had been to killing him just moments before. In fact, the only reason he was still around was because he had bound Death. And yet, Dean was not the one that was being corrupted by millions of evil souls. He wasn't the dipshit who swallowed them either, but still. And yes, Cas had done so much for them. So damn much.

So Dean couldn't help but wither and burn alive under that gaze. Even when Castiel looked back at Death, the hunter was still silently smoldering, peeling away like dead skin.

He didn't really listen to anything else Death was saying. There was no way. After that, after all of it, seeing Cas dying in his vessel, telling Death to kill him, gazing into those accusing eyes, he couldn't do it again. He had one more confrontation with Castiel left in him, and that and more had been used up with the events that had just taken place.

Maybe Sam and Bobby were better friends than he was for not giving up at that point, but he just couldn't. He couldn't go through it all again.

So when Castiel appeared, stumbling and barely able to stand, he almost just got up and walked away. Almost.

But dammit, he couldn't. Again.

He couldn't do anything more about the angel, but he also couldn't not help him when he asked, panting and looking completely terrified. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If this failed, he knew he wouldn't survive it, at least, not with his sanity intact. There were only so many times a man could be broken before the damage was irreparable, and already he felt that he'd surpassed that limit. So he couldn't let himself be tugged into this.

He would help the wayward servant of God, yes. Because that was in his best interests. But he couldn't hope, not even begin to hope that it would work, and that Cas could be put back together. He couldn't let himself.

So he numbly went with Sam and Bobby and Cas to the laboratory again, not saying a word to anyone except for short, icy answers to questions.

The worst was when Castiel tried to talk to him after Sam went off to get the blood they would need. This was the angel, his friend. This was not some false god anymore. This was 100% grade-A Cas. On top of that, it was a remorseful Cas, apologetic and guilty and looking just utterly hopeless and lost.

When they stood him in front of the sigil, and he swayed dangerously, Dean unconsciously poised himself, and sure enough, when the dying angel's knees gave out, he darted forward automatically to help him up. He was slow to back away again just in case his assistance would be needed again, but it wasn't.

As the door to Purgatory opened up again, Dean looked on grimly, waiting for the onslaught of souls to flow back into its depths.

Then Cas turned around. And he looked at Dean. Then he said something to the hunter that stopped him in his tracks.

"I'm sorry, Dean."

And Dean Winchester melted. He found another thing that he just couldn't do. He couldn't hate Castiel. Not now, not ever.

As the bright light of the souls flowed into the hole in front of them, Dean made a vow to tell him that. To let Castiel know that he was forgiven, that Dean simply needed him. Like he needed Sam, or Bobby. He needed Cas.

But then he collapsed. And he was cold. And he wasn't breathing.

'No...'

"...maybe angels don't need to breathe..."

'Please, please don't say it..."

"He's gone, Dean."

Again. Here they were again.

"Dammit..."

'You dumbass...' a voice in his head, his own voice, told him. 'You complete fool. You did it again. You fell for the same damn angel again.'

Because he had. How many times had he been broken at the hands of this angel? And how many times would it take before he learned his lesson? He hadn't even realized it, but over and over and over again he kept falling for him. Every time he was hurt, the angel would come back and put him back together again only to strike another blow later on.

And no matter what he did, he couldn't stop.

But then...

Cas gasped, coming suddenly back to life, and Dean breathed a sigh.

"That was unpleasant."

Dean almost laughed at the understatement of everything in what Castiel had said. Hell, he almost kissed him. It was just such a...such a Cas thing to say.

And for a while there, it seemed like it was all going to be alright.

And then came the Leviathans.

'You did it again you son of a bitch,' Dean's mental voice told him as he tried to get up from where he had been thrown against the wall, 'you let yourself fall again...'

"Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try"

A/N: Not my best work, definitely could be better, but I like it either way. If you're wondering about skipped dialog from the actual episode, this is mainly focusing on Dean's trains of thought, so I skipped parts that weren't really relevant because I'm lazy. So sorry about that if it bothers you. Also, just to clarify, the italicized dialog is internal dialog AKA Dean's thoughts.

And I wasn't intending it to be quite so blatantly Destiel, but...yeah. I don't know, I ship it, but I wanted to give people the option of thinking of it just as friends, which I guess you could still even after the whole "falling for him" thing, but...not quite so easily. Ah well. Either way, great song and this is basically the idea I had while listening to it (by the way, just in case you don't know, the song is Over and Over by Three Days Grace").

Hey and I deleted it before because I was a dumbass, but then I actually checked my email and saw that people were favorite-ing it and reviewing it and stuff, so...here's a re-post. You're welcome.