On The Night Train

by eilatansayah

Sequal to 'The Hangover' God bless reviews! :

As requested by Shawnyola (another wonderful loyal reviewer) this is the continuation from 'Bromance And All That Jazz' and 'The Hangover'.

I kind of feel like in all my new stories I'm telling the same things over and over again just from a different perspective, I'm wondering if the writing sounds like it's stuck on repeat – all opinions are welcome.

:

"Alright son?"

I roll my eyes and sigh loudly, sometimes I think she inserted a tracking device at birth, no matter where I end up she's always behind me. I turn around to look at her trying to give my best 'make this brief look', "Mum," I respond, it's sort of a greeting.

"Alright?"

I can't help but wonder is she has deliberately followed me into Layla's shop, in fact she's probably been waiting in the bushes for me to emerge from Smithy Cottage. All I wanted was to buy a pizza for my tea tonight and in no way should that have to involve a conversation with your Mum. She's got a stupid smile on her face and looks practically giddy and I know what she's going to say before it's even been said, "How's Jackson?" the women is so predictable.

"He's fine." It annoys me when she asks about him at the best of times, she can't help herself she's always interfering and asking questions and inviting us round her house for tea and stuff. Today though is a different type of enquiry, it's a knowing one barely contained beneath her breezy question.

"Hung over?"

I insert my free pizzaless hand deep inside my pocket and scowl at her, "Yeah." She giggles completely ignoring how much she's obviously irritating me, "Where is he then, in bed?"

"I don't know!" I admit I'm openly snapping at her now and I know it doesn't take me long to resort to that type of reaction but you have no idea how much the women annoys me. When I first came to the village I was so angry with her and I felt she had no right to suddenly start acting like my mother. She was barely in my life except for a birthdays and Christmas' and the odd visit and then suddenly I couldn't get rid of her. I feel like the tracking device inserted at birth wasn't switched on until I was 16 and now she uses it to the point of breaking, it's completely exhausting. I also don't get it, why now? Why wasn't she around when I was younger? I do try to tell myself that she's making up for it but this doesn't seem to make much difference, even now it colours every interaction I have with her, I wonder if that early absence will always play on my mind.

To her credit she learnt to pay no attention to me, which is different from when I was a kid, when I used to spend time with her she'd very quickly get me back to my dad's. This was because I always acted like I didn't want her around but now she doesn't let up, she just ignores me and I'm confident that no matter how I behave she'll never let me go, almost. Because maybe there's that little part of me that's still scared she will.

"Have you been round to see him or did you stay at his last night?"

I purse my lips together because there is no way I'm sharing that information, "No," I immediately realise it's a non-answer bound to invite more question.

Her face instantly drops, "Oh you're not angry with him are you?"

"It's fine," but I know I don't seem very convincing.

I'm not annoyed, ok so maybe a little. Jackson walking into the pub in drag and parading himself about goes against my ideas of acceptable behaviour and all day I've tried my hardest to get over it. And I am over it and I even had a bit of a laugh with Jackson. I guess any other normal person would just stand there with their friends or family and laugh and admit that it's no big deal, but I don't want to talk about us, ever. This is a daily struggle that I have, I just can't figure out how to behave around other people. Mostly I just want everyone to leave me and Jackson alone, I don't want to share any information or divulge any details of our life and I mean any. I also don't want anything I do to give it away, because it's no one's business but ours. Although maybe I should also be honest and admit that I'm a little concerned about people's reactions, ok scared. Two men together is just wrong.

That's right I am a gay man who doesn't think that homosexuality is right, in fact if there was a pill I could take to get rid of it I would in an instant. I'd then be able to marry a nice girl and have kids like a normal person and every day I wouldn't battle with myself and everything I am. It would mean I also wouldn't have Jackson anymore, which is fine because I'd rather be normal than have him in my life and sometimes if I concentrate hard I can almost believe that.

I watch my Mum look at me concerned and I really don't want to talk about this with her, "He was funny," she begins and I'm frustrated because she just doesn't get it. "Aaron everyone was laughing with him and it was very lovely what he said to you."

I roll my eyes because you're boyfriend telling a pub full of people that you're beautiful is never lovely.

She looks truly exasperated and I curse myself for adding fuel via my eye rolling motion. "You've not broken up?"

Now I want to scream and if I could just stand there and laugh and give her a tiny snippet into my life that shows that things are fine then she'd leave me alone, "no," I finally relent but it's painful to even say that one word.

"No?" she eyeing me warily, trying to read the truth.

"No, I saw him earlier." In fact I saw him 5 minutes ago in my bed where I left him, he's been there all afternoon trying to sleep off his hangover.

"And you've not broken up?" she's asking for clarification and it's making me want to smash my head against one of the shop shelves.

"We're fine." That's all she's getting.

The other thing is that today has confirmed what people think of me, they think that I can't handle things. This morning when I'd returned home from Dale View for a shower, I smelt of sick because my stupid boyfriend had thrown up badly, Paddy had been waiting. He'd heard from Pearl what had happened and sought me out to make sure I was ok and hadn't left Jackson in a ditch somewhere last night whilst trying to get him home. I'd been annoyed that he could even think that but then Jackson had turned up later ready to convince me not to break up with him and now my mother even thought that this could have tipped me over the edge. I have to admit that even though I pretend not to care what people think of me I do and having the reputation of someone overly dramatic and panicky doesn't make me exactly proud.

"Ok," she seems sated which means I can relax now, pay for the pizza and get the hell out of Layla's shop.

"ohh, is that for your tea?" another question, always with the questions.

"Yes." I respond gritting my teeth.

We're interrupted by a low chuckle and we both turn to see Cain stood there, he's another one with a grin on his face and probably someone I want to see even less. He's just stood hands on hips giving me the eye, chewing obnoxiously on a piece of gum and wiggling his brows, Cain is always a miserable bastard unless he's winding someone up.

I glare at him almost daring him to say something, well almost because actually I don't want him to say a word.

"How's the little fairy?"

If it's possible my face drops further, Cain loves using endearments like that, fairy, fruitcake, twinkle toes – the list goes on, it makes me want to smack him in the mouth. I rarely hear him use Jackson's name when talking about him or even to him but for some reason Jackson his completely ok with it. I had a discussion with him one evening about it because I really can't understand why Jackson doesn't get upset by them. Jackson had said that of course he minded but really this was nothing to do with Cain and homophobia, it was just the type of man he was, someone who could only express affection through insult and if it wasn't his sexuality it would be something else. I'd looked at him like his explanation was ridiculous which had made Jackson laugh, I'd then pushed him hard and told him he was an idiot to which he just gave me a knowing smile like I'd just proved his point.

I'm nothing like Cain, except I guess I can admit that actually I am.

"Not funny," I say trying to look threatening and even I am grateful when my mum gives him a dirty look, she at least is good for trying to tone Cain down.

"I'll tell you what is though," Cain's wiggling his eye brows even more, "that feller of yours last night, gorgeous in a skirt, fantastic legs, wouldn't mind having a go myself!" He winks at me before moving round and reaches for a loaf of bread on the shelf and I'm annoyed to see my mum smiling at his comment.

"I'll give him your number then?" I'm trying to play Cain at his own game to get him to back off and maybe embarrass him like he manages to do to me every day.

"Maybe he's already got it…" Cain's got a cheeky glint in his eyes and I fold my arms annoyed because nothing I say to my Uncle gets the better of him, he always has the last comment and is never affected by my words. "Oh lighten up you miserable cow, I'm only having a laugh." The problem is that every time I have to listen to his words I feel myself shrink inside a bit more.

I think I would quit like the idea of leaving Emmerdale and starting again, somewhere that nobody knows me. A place that didn't circulate the newspaper article broadcasting that I was gay, I'd like that a lot. Of cause I'd then have deal with the whole leaving Jackson behind thing again but for every new life I imagine without him, there's always an even better one with him. I guess I could take Jackson with me but he'd have to be a secret boyfriend, one who was very discreet and like me didn't want anyone knowing about us. But Jackson would never go for that, he has no problems telling people he's gay, he'll just drop it into normal conversation, 'oh yeah me and my boyfriend did that,' or it's, 'My boyfriend is a mechanic,' or, 'This is Aaron my boyfriend'. There's been a couple of times were I've ended up abandoning him because I just can't face the surprised expression on people's faces. I did it once when in town we had bumped into a school friend he hadn't seen since leaving, I knew Jackson wasn't out then and I really couldn't bare the 'I'm gay now and this is my boyfriend' speech so I ran into the nearest shop. His mate looked completely bewildered and I could tell he was mentally scratching his head over it all, it turns out Jackson didn't even bother to tell him. He'd just found me and laughed, telling me I was a nutjob whilst I'd sheepishly stuffed my hands into my pockets.

I'm probably making it sound like he wears an 'I AM GAY' sign all the time which he doesn't; he just won't go to any lengths to hide who he is, unlike me.

And I guess when I really think about it, it's probably good he's nothing like me because I can barely deal with my own struggle, let alone have the ability to help someone else. And the other thing is that Jackson's confidence is one of the things I love… I mean like about him.

I scowl at Cain again and moodily grunt, "I know you're only having a laugh," I just want to pay for the pizza and leave but now Cain's moved to the counter so I'm stuck behind him, Layla has disappeared up stairs and despite how noisy we are, I'm not even sure she's aware that there is anyone in the shop, "Anyone about," Cain calls and we hear a muffled reply so at least she knows someone is here.

My Mum just stands there without making any effort to buy anything and I realise that my earlier assumption of her following me is correct, "you gonna buy something?"

She suddenly starts and realises how she looks and I watch her quickly reach out for something on the shelf, "Yes," she smiles and I look in her hand, she has a tin of kidney beans – I know for a fact she hates kidney beans. Realising what she's done, she slowly returns the tin to the shelf with a 'damn I'm rumbled' look and gives me a half-smile, "you wanna come round for your tea one day this week?"

"No."

Maybe if this was anyone else I would have found the last 10 minutes amusing, as it is I don't.

"I'm glad I caught you."

I scrunch my eyes up tightly because I honestly thought things couldn't get any worse, turns out I was wrong, Paddy has just entered the shop.

He's another one who follows me around; although in fairness he's probably now not as bad as my Mother. After my suicide attempt he was terrible, he'd wonder back and forth all day long trying to look casual but I knew he was checking that the garage doors were open. There was also several times were Cain would return from his lunch in a mood because either my Mum or Paddy had chewed him out for leaving me alone, nothing was ever said but I knew it was going on. Plus Cain seriously increased the amount of times he took me for a pint and Ryan was always asking me to hang out with and then let's not forget how often I was ordered to go to the Dingles house for my tea. I'm a very private person, so you can imagine how all the fuss went down. A few weeks after the court case and when Jackson had started working in the village, I went for a walk with Clyde through the woods. I'd left my phone at home accidently but just kept going, I was gone for over half a day and when I returned everyone was in a quiet frenzy. I hadn't even thought, I'd just been walking and it was a nice day so I kept going until I ended up at a country pub about 5 miles away, I'd then turned around after having some lunch. I was fine, I really was but when I got back Cain ended up shouting at me and I heard my Mum softly crying in the kitchen, they'd been ready to call the police

I'd ended up yelling at them all to stay out of my life and I think it had been a bit of a wakeup call, the really did realise that I was out of the woods (pardon the pun) and so everyone started backing off, except my Mum – obviously.

I huff loudly, "what do you want Paddy," I know it was rude and I guess I'm a little ashamed of it.

He gracefully ignores me, "I've just spoken to Jackson, he said you were going to buy a pizza."

"yeah –"

"Well I was thinking of doing a bit of a roast dinner as it is Sunday after all."

All I wanted was to buy a pizza and spend the night watching a film alone with Jackson on my laptop; he's been mostly unconscious all day trying to recover.

Paddy nudges my Mum and Cain's turned around to re-join the conversation, "you should have seen Jackson this morning when he came round – right state he was." Paddy's got a smile on his face and my mum eyes me, "Oh so he's been round then?" she asks still looking at me.

"Yeah," continues Paddy, "He's been in Aaron's room all day, they've been coped up together, not seen either of them this afternoon."

Now Paddy is a fairly astute man and yet for all his awareness he still manages to humiliate me, I want the ground to swallow me whole because I think Paddy's making it sound like we we're holed up making some dirty gay porn film. Cain's looking at me and I can tell buy the glint in his eye that he wants to make some crass joke about it.

My Mum's just got her arms crossed with a mildly annoyed look on her face, "So everything really is fine then?"

"Yess!" I hiss, it's none of her business.

"We'll tell me that then!" she's looking truly exasperated, "Just say 'yes Mum everything is ok, Jackson's been at mine all afternoon!'"

Both Cain and Paddy are looking confused and I want to shove a gage in her and whilst I don't think this requires explanation my mum seems to disagree, "before you both came in I was playing twenty questions with him," she points her next comment at me, "if you weren't so secretive all the time then all this would be a lot less painful."

That's what she thinks.

Cain chuckles next to me, "You keep your secrets because I don't want to know about your leather hot pants or kinky sex toys."

Moments like this make me want to run and hide, I hate everything about the stupid stereotype that my sexuality brings and I can't stand even the slightest suggestion that people put me in that category .

My Mum punches Cain on the arm and it's not playful, "ignore him love," and I want to, I really do but I feel my insides shaking. "I'm going," I snap and turn to throw the pizza back in the freezer, but Paddy's grabbed my arm to stop me and I note him throw Cain a disgusted look, "hang on, what about that roast do you want it? Cause I need to buy some veg if you do."

I pause looking at the pizza in my hand, feeling overwhelmingly dejected and maybe a little like crying, "I was going to cook this"

"Ok, no worries – I'll have a frozen meal." Paddy's smiling at me and he doesn't seem disappointed so my plans still seem able to go ahead.

"Ok." Crises averted and I'm still angry at Cain but I need to buy the pizza so I stay.

It's then that I notice my Mum tipping her head slightly, she reading the pizza box that's still in my hand and seems very interested, "that's mozzarella pizza, you hate mozzarella."

I shift the box slightly out of her view, "No I don't."

She widens her eyes knowingly and the shots Paddy a look for back up, "you remember when I came round and we ordered the pizza's. We were going to get a few and he told me not to get the mozzarella one because he hated it." Paddy shifts uncomfortably but still nods in agreement.

For their information I don't hate it, I'd just rather it wasn't on my pizza.

"So!"

She cocks an eyebrow, confused, "why are you buying it then?"

I shake my head annoyed and Paddy's just stood there because I think he knows the reason, "I don't hate it altogether, it's just not my favourite topping

She scrunches up her features, "why buy it then?"

Why does she have to do this all the time, why can't she just keep the hell away from me? So what if I'm buying a pizza that I'm not that fond of? Why does this need to be discussed – why does every part of my life need to be discussed and interfered with?

Cain snorts loudly, "It's probably his girlfriend's favourite pizza."

He was only being sarcastic and if I wasn't so jumpy I'd have realised this before freezing and dipping my head, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes.

"That's it isn't it?" Cain's grinning as he chews his gum loudly and he starts laughing, "it's Jackson's favourite pizza!"

"Cain," Paddy says sort of warningly and I just knew that Paddy got the reason. I can't look at them, this is my worst nightmare.

"Oh love!" my mum's clutched her hands to her heart and is looking at me with the soppiest expression.

They're lucky that I've stayed around for as long as I have, but this is the last straw, I can't handle this, I don't know what's worse - them knowing I care about a person that much or them knowing that person is a man, "forget it!" I chuck the pizza on the nearest shelf, not caring that it came from the freezer and storm off, hearing both my Mum and Paddy calling after me. It doesn't matter because I don't slow, I can feel the panicky adrenalin coil inside me and my arms are shaking. I get this a lot but I've never told anyone, I think it's that 'fight or flight' instinct that people talking about, only with me it comes at times like this. I'll stand up to a guy twice my size without any concern for my safety but when faced with emotional truths I'll leg it every time, it's like an instinct.

When I open the door to my bedroom I find that Jackson has made the bed and is lying on top of it, he's looking mostly recovered from his hangover and is watching something on my laptop. He's looking at me and smiling warmly and I don't even bother to say anything before laying myself on the bed beside him.

He waits a second probably telling that something is wrong because he always knows when there something up, he's a mind reader like that and because I'm still not saying anything he moves the laptop to the floor.

"You ok?" I nod because I'm always fucking ok especially when I'm not.

He slides down the bed until his head is resting on the pillow and he's lying parallel to me, "Paddy came in asking me if we fancied a roast, I told him you'd gone for pizza and to ask you what you preferred."

I grit my teeth, what to do? Tell him that I'd bumped into Paddy said I didn't want a roast but then stormed off without buying the pizza?

"I never saw him."

Jackson's looking at the ceiling but I can still see his surprised look out of the corner of my eye, "oh right, you got pizza then?"

I scrunch up my eyes, the whole things feels ridiculous and I hope he doesn't notice the shame burning my cheeks, "they didn't have any."

"Right," he rolls over onto his side and studies me bumping my ankle with his toes, he's not wearing any socks, "You annoyed that they didn't have any?"

"No."

"No?"

"No," I snap back.

We lay like that for a moment and Jackson stops asking me, which I feel guilty about because I hate it when I think I've put him on egg shells. I tend to over react to people a lot and Jackson's no different and I can't imagine why he stays with me because I'm the hardest work. I turn my eyes towards him and realise that maybe Jackson's got used to me because he just returns to lying on his back and folds his arms behind his head.

"Sorry."

He smiles ruefully, even though he's got his eyes closed, "I know you are," he then drops his closest arm down and feels for my leg, gently drawing circles against my trouser material with his fingertips, he always cares so much, "I've got a twenty pound note on me – we could order a pizza in instead?"

Jackson waits a moment and when I still don't respond he looks at me, "promise I won't sneak on any mozzarella cheese."

God I'm so pathetic.

"We could get some ice cream as well." He flashes a cheeky smile and wiggles his eyebrows and I can't help it when my heart restrict, it's weird because I always feel this strange pang in my chest when he's around and I don't really get what it is.

"Jackson, would you ever move away?"

He raises his eyebrow in question whilst still stroking my leg gently and I can't help but study his profile, forget that last night he said that I was beautiful – he's the beautiful one.

"I like it around here but if there was a reason to move I'd be happy too."

I look down at his fingers as they brush against me, "You'd be happy to go somewhere where no one knew you?"

I can tell he's wondering where I'm going with this, "that would only be until I made friends."

Jackson would find it easy to make friends, everyone likes him, "but would everyone new that you meet be told everything about you?"

"Yes."

I stop because this isn't heading were I was hoping, not that I was deluded it would.

"Aaron what is this about?" he's turned back on to his side facing me and I shrug slightly, "Was just thinking it would be nice to start again somewhere." He smiles at me because he's got me figured, "start again or run away?"

I shrug again and he gives a low chuckle, "What happened whilst you were gone – you were only away twenty minutes?"

"I just," I pause because god I know what an idiot I am, "Just like the idea of going somewhere that nobody knows me."

"Knows that your gay you mean?" and I shrug for the third time and he moves closer to me tucking an arm beneath his head, "what about me?"

"You can come too."

"Alright," he's humouring me now, "So how are you going to explain me if no one will know that you're gay?"

"You can be my brother."

He's grinning at me, "All your new neighbours will think it's weird when they see you kissing your brother."

I glare at him out of the corner of my eye and curl my lip, "no one sees us kissing anyway."

"Aaron," he reaches out with his un-tucked hand and curls it around my own, "believe it or not they're will be a day when you don't mind having a kiss in the street." I shoot him a 'yeah right' look, "I'm not saying it will be tomorrow and I certainly can't imagine you giving a full on snog."

"You reckon?" I've never heard anything more unlikely.

"but one day without even thinking you'll reach out and maybe it will be a hello kiss or a goodbye one but you'll think nothing of it."

I purse my lips together.

He leans in even closer, "and when you do, I hope it's still me who's your boyfriend."

I pause because I can't think what to say and he's just smiling at me, I smile back and give him a small barely noticeable nod, which lights up his eyes.

My heart does that funny flip thing again.

The End