Love Ramblings
by Berde
DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to Ms. JK Rowling. HBP very trivial spoiler alert!
QUICK NOTE: I editted to separate the pharagraphs..sorry if it was quite a hard read..hehehe..
Part I: Ron, Distracted
It is your brother's wedding and everyone's topic for the day is love. You are sitting beside one of your bestfriends after your other besfriend disappeared the same time your little sister did. And out of boredom (or too much amusement) you ask yourself a question you have been struggling to answer yourself (and you have been doing this for years now, may you be reminded).
"What is Love?"
You turn to look at the person beside you and suddenly your insides seem to rumble...your stomach, your head, your chest...and string of thoughts and ramblings storm inside your skull. You feel like you're going to be sick. To erase this stupid thought off your head you try to start a conversation, besides, silence has been stretching longer every minute, and it is obviously dumb to pretend you both enjoy watching the guests disappear one by one. But when you open your mouth you feel your throat dry. And just in time that you are trying to produce a sound she decides to look up at you and smile; and your mouth hang open in the air. You can't speak, suddenly afraid that you might throw up in front of her and you feel that you shouldn't worry about that because why should you? What's the big deal? Then you answer yourself that it would be disgusting, but you know deep inside that it is her presence why you're anxious. And you get confused because "what about her that is making you feel that way"? And you feel mad and scared at the same time because it's wrong to think of her that way. But you're not thinking about her that way, really. Then again, you know you are and you're just denying it. And doing so only confirms that you're thinking of her in a way that you shouldn't because she is your bestfriend and she is so annoying and bossy and know-it-all and she tells you off a lot of times and ignores you just the same amount the "lots of times" is.
And you realize how hard it is to understand her, then realize further your lack of enthusiasm in trying. Because you believe you don't need to try understanding her-- you know her by heart. Like you could argue with her and yell your lungs out at each other and not worry that it would ruin your friendship. Like when she says "it's gonna be okay" you frown as if you doubt her but you actually relax. Like when she says "he just wants to be a penpal" you trust her though you contest about it because you enjoy seeing her flush. That's why you even bother arguing with her over senseless matters to begin with. Then the picture of her reddened face would flash into your head and you say to yourself she's really pretty and the image of her smile cuts in and you say, no, she's beautiful. She has always been even with the bushy hair and the big front teeth, always beautiful.
And you remember the day you told everybody that she was a nightmare-- you grin even wider because you mean it now more than ever. She haunts your dream; she haunts you even when you're awake. She is a love potion that never wears off. You know you're not obsessed with her and she keeps you sane (although with the current behavior of your thoughts, this may be hard to believe). And in spite the fact that you hate contemplations you find yourself patiently, thoroughly, analyzing her. And you look at her big brown eyes and wonder if they ever get tired of all the readings she does. And secretly, you wonder how it would be to become a book. Her favorite book she would have her eyes on everyday, everynight. The book she would carry in her arms, hug against her chest. Then you feel ridiculous to think of yourself as Hogwarts: A History when you were just saying a while ago that she keeps you on the right mind. And suddenly it hits you how your emotions have been changing in less than a minute when you think about her, then here comes a smart comment from her.
"Are you all right? You're blushing."
You feel irate to hear her voice. How can she play with you like that? How can she mock your feelings without being aware of it? So you make a snide comment
"I suppose even a git that I am can blush like normal people do."
And realize too late that you have offended her. Perturbing as it is, all you can do is watch her get up from her seat and walk away. And even though you know she wouldn't really get mad or loathe you for it, still you don't like the feeling that you're always the one to make her cry. But she doesn't know that in fact, if you were just a girl, maybe you have been crying a lot more than her because being in love with her is more of anxiety, worry, fright, anger, confusion, holding backs, than being fun. It hurts that you can't tell her any of these because you deal with too many emotions at a time. Maybe she'd laugh, or hate you for it. Maybe she'd be disgusted or go crazy about it. Maybe you're not worthy; you're too poor, too lazy, too stupid, too chicken-shit, too boastful, or just plain too much. So many emotions that are indeed breaking your heart into pieces; but since you're a guy you wouldn't really cry. boys don't cry, and the best you can do is pull the arm off from your Quidditch player doll, or yell back at her accusing her to be "fraternizing with the enemy", or kiss your classmate in front of her without even knowing why exactly you're doing it? Trying to make her jealous, or to prove you are capable of kissing?
Then you remember that day when she kissed you out-of-the blue. Only on the cheeks but it wasn't completely bad. You do know for a fact she was wishing you luck on your first game as a seeker that you wish every game you need to play would be your first time, by that you'd feel like you really are the "king". And you want to impress her so bad that you get all nervous when you go to the top. You see her watching you and you feel incredibly stupid for even thinking of trying out. You suck. But she tells you that you don't and you get annoyed because she is being sweet and you get even more confused of what you're feeling. And there would be times that you think you're sure but then it just doesn't seem right because you are bestfriends, and she is the cleverest witch, and the most beautiful during the Yule Ball, and you're not worthy of her, and on and on about how wrong it is. And the emotion shifts again. You sigh. And she asks you what's wrong.
You smile for two reasons: How quick she forgets your rude (although you didn't mean it) remark, and because you simply love the way she worries about you. And you look back at her and wonder because you didn't notice when she came back to sit beside you again. And she gives you a questioning look; you ask yourself, should you tell her the truth?
AUTHOR's NOTE:
Ah, love ramblings! One of my favorite things to do... I know I have a pending fic, but this came out of nowhere. Jot the words down and posted! Not planned at all. Enjoy and please review!