Disclaimer: I own nothing…

A/N: So this popped into my head after rewatching season six and seven. It can be a reaction to either Emily dying or her leaving at the end of season seven. Influenced by the song Renegades by X Ambassadors. Not beta-d so all mistakes are mine.

Renegade All Alone

Renegade. noun. A person who deserts and betrays an organization, country, or set of principles.

Surrounded by family. That's where she most wants to be. Surrounded by the love and warmth of people that once were strangers and are now closer than blood. She misses them, her make-shift family.

Yet she was the one who abandoned them. She was the one who ran away, who moved countries because she couldn't cope. She was the one who gave it up, to try and start anew with no connections to her past. She chose to leave, chose to give up on everything instead of giving it all a chance.

She abandoned them when they needed her most because she was too coward to ask for help. It was her fight and hers alone. It would be her life to throw away. She wouldn't allow them to give up everything for her.

She's the weak one.

And for that reason she can't go back. She was the one who left. She's the only one who can fix it, but at the same time, she's also the one who can't. She can't fix what's happen, can't fix the hurt she caused by leaving.

Sometimes she itches to give in, itches to call them and beg them to forgive her. It's nights like these, when she's alone in the apartment that she misses them most. Misses the banter, misses random facts, misses the quiet talks over a glass or two. She misses the whole dynamic of it all, knowing she had people who had her back. Here she is all alone.

And she gave it all up.

There's been a few times she's caught herself reaching for the phone, reaching for the way back in, hoping there's some small sliver of forgiveness. But there's always that voice that pipes up, the same voice that points out why. Why she did this, why she gave up everything and moved away. It's the same voice that keeps her awake at night, the same voice that whispers all the things she ruined and gave up.

Renegade. Traitor.

It's who she is. And it's who she has become. And she has to live with that.

Just a drabble but let me know what you think.

Thanks for reading.

Monkeywand