This story idea has been in my head for long time, but until then, I didn't think I could pull it off. Well I did, so I hope you guys enjoy it, and can tolerate the mildly inappropriate content in this fic.
DISCLAIMER: Total Drama belongs to the writers of Total Drama. No offense to the writers, but if I did own Total Drama, there'd be no Gwuncan, there'd be far more development for Gidgette and characters like Noah, Eva and Ezekiel would have much more development. The show would also be inappropriate for children under 12.
DJ and his momma were in the kitchen cooking the dinner together. They were having fun and enjoying their time together, when all of a sudden…
"Devon Joseph! That is not how you stir the stew!" DJ's momma snapped.
"Momma, I'm doing the best I could," DJ calmly protested.
DJ's momma slapped DJ on the face. "Don't you talk to yo momma like that!" she scolded. "Now start over!"
DJ sighed as he put on his oven gloves, picked up the pot and carried it over to the sink. DJ emptied the contents into the basin. This was not the first time his momma got angry with him like that, but he still didn't like it when she's angry. DJ returned with the newly scrubbed pot and placed it back on the hob. His mother was still glaring at him.
"I'm sorry, Momma," said DJ.
"It better not happen again," his momma threatened. They continued to cook the food, until DJ accidentally spilt some sauce on the hob. His momma smacked him again.
"Clean it up!" she ordered. DJ flinched, accidentally knocking the pot over in the process. The sauce spread all over the hob and some of it dripped over the edge of the cooker and onto the floor.
"Now look what you've just done!" DJ's momma shouted.
"I'll clean it up, I'll swear!" DJ shrieked.
"Darn right ya will! And then you're going to your room without any supper! But before you clean it up, it's time for your spanking!" DJ's mam went over to the drawer and pulled it open, where she whipped out a wooden spoon.
"No Momma, don't please!" DJ begged. "Please don't smack me!" DJ's momma ganged up on him, obviously not convinced by DJ's protests.
"That's what ya get for being a bad boy!" she scolded. Raising her spoon above her head. In an act of utter panic, DJ snatched the spoon out of his mother's hand and threw it out the window. To say that DJ's mother was furious would be an understatement.
"DEVON JOSEPH! I AM VERY ANGRY WITH YOU!" she screamed. "HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY YOUR OWN MOTHER LIKE THAT?!" DJ cowered in fear. He was too scared to respond. "ANSWER ME, DEVON JOSEPH! ANSWER ME OR I'M THROWING YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE!" DJ finally snapped.
"I'M EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD, MOMMA; STOP THREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!" he yelled. That did it for DJ's momma, however. She pointed her index finger towards the door and shouted:
"Get out!"
DJ was confused. "W-what?!"
"I SAID GET OUT!"
"But Momma-"
"Don't you Momma me! You're not my son anymore! Get out!"
"But will I go?!" DJ protested.
"That's not my pro-" DJ's mother paused. She smiled evilly and said: "Go with your father! You have an hour to pack, and then I want you gone. I'll leave you the address to your father's house."
Not a million miles away, Chef entered his bedroom and closed the door behind him. He smirked as he looked over at Josh, who was handcuffed to the bed. Chef stripped out of his apron, hat and shirt before climbing onto Josh. Josh didn't look too happy, however.
"Chef, you said you'd bring the cats!" Josh protested. "I want to have sex with you, AND I want to huff cats with you."
"AND I'm a man of my word," Chef smirked, digging into his pockets and removing from each pocket a small cat. Josh shrieked in delight. Chef unchained the catfight-lover and gave him one of the cats. But before they could proceed with what they were doing, the doorbell sounded. Chef huffed relentlessly.
"Oh great!" he huffed. "I bet that's Chris, telling me he's broken out of jail and that he wants to hide in my house."
"Why don't you answer the door and give him a piece of your mind?" Josh suggested. "I don't mind waiting. I'll still be hear when you get back."
Chef sighed. "Okay," he said, kissing Josh on the forehead before getting off of him. Chef put his shirt, apron and baker's hat back on and went downstairs to answer the door.
"Yes?!" he said, upon answering the door, before realising DJ was standing on the doorstep. "What are ya doing here, wimpy kid?!"
"Chef?!" shrieked DJ. "Y-you leave here?!"
"I'm standing at the door, ain't I?!" Chef scowled. "So go on! Tell me what ya doing here!"
"M-m-my M-M-Momma t-told me to c-come here," DJ stammered, handing Chef a letter. Chef scowled and shoved the letter away.
"I can't read, dumbass!" he snapped.
DJ flinched. "I-I'm sorry, but the letter says t-that I-I'm y-your-"
"My WHAT?!" Chef snapped.
"S-s-son." Chef could not believe what was happening, so he simply slammed the door on DJ's face and went back upstairs, only to see that Josh has escaped, along with the two cats. He found a note on his bed and scowled. He stumped back downstairs opened the front door. DJ was still standing there.
"Here, can you read this?!" he asked, shoving the note in DJ's face.
DJ sniffled before reading. "Ch-Chef, this is Josh. I t-took off with the c-cats. I know you're h-hot and stuff, but y-you can't read, and that turns me off, so s-see ya." Chef gritted his teeth. He was going to kill Josh. As much as he doesn't want an eighteen-year-old living with him, he could do with having someone to read for him. After all, Chef noticed that he and DJ do look sort of alike.
Suddenly, Chef remembered a holiday he had with Chris nineteen years ago to Los Angeles. He had sex with a very effeminate Jamaican dude who looked like a woman. Now, Chef wasn't' into effeminate men, but he made a bet with Chris that whoever shifted the most people would get a hundred bucks from the loser. Because Chris was bisexual, it was obvious he was going to shift more than Chef unless Chef put aside his pickiness. Even to this day, Chef was still unsure whether the Jamaican was a woman or a very effeminate dude, but either way, Chef did not enjoy that evening with the Jamaican.
"Get in the car," Chef hissed.
"W-where are we going?" DJ wondered, climbing into the front seat.
"To get our DNA tested!" Chef scowled, as if the answer was obvious. "You'd better pray you're my son, or else!" he added. DJ sank deep in his seat. He was not sure if Chef really was his father, but that was what his mother told him. He hoped she was right.
The drive to the DNA profiling centre was mildly traumatising for DJ. Apparently, Chef was not a good driver, as he ran over several pedestrians. Fortunately for Chef, because the pedestrians were jaywalking, and because the pedestrians were known along the town to be assholes, the police decided not to intervene.
The DNA tests revealed that Chef was in fact DJ's father. Chef was furious. He drove DJ all the way back to his mother's house, not to return DJ to her, but to give her a piece of his mind. He pounded on the door. DJ's momma answered the door and glared.
"Yes?!" she demanded.
"YOU BITCH!" Chef roared. "YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE JUST AN EFFEMINATE DUDE! HOW COULD YOU?!"
DJ's momma smirked. "Took ya long enough!" she sneered. "Nineteen years is an awful long time. Knowing you, I'm surprised you found out now rather than later. Have you learnt how to read yet?"
"Today I just learnt how to read the DNA results!" Chef snarled.
"I'm afraid DNA tests don't count," DJ's mother jeered.
"Well I found out that your son is my son!" Chef roared. "And you knew it all along! If I raised him, I would've made a man out of him, not like that pansy over there that would probably end up getting a sex-change operation!"
"It was for you to figure it out!" DJ's mother scowled. "I live only ten blocks from your house!"
"MOMMA!" DJ shrieked. "You told me my dad died of cystic fibrosis before I was born! And you told me that you've never practiced fornication!"
"I lied!" said DJ's momma coldly. "And yes, I've cross-dressed just to have sex with a gay man who I went to high school with. And I did that to get back at him for putting my boyfriend in the hospital!" she added, glaring at Chef.
"Well maybe you should've stopped yo boyfriend from calling me a fag!" Chef snarled back.
"Momma, you said you never left Jamaica before we moved here when I was four!" DJ whined.
"I lied!" said DJ's momma coldly. "I was on a holiday to California, and then to Jamaica with my friends! But I had to stay in Jamaica because I was pregnant with you and I couldn't afford to return to Canada until you were four! I was lying as punishment for you making my life a living Hell!" she added.
"Hey, you decided to get pregnant when you went in drag and asked me to sodomise ya!" Chef snarled. "If ya didn't want him, ya could've given him to me and I could've raised him!"
"Yeah?! Well you agreed to sodomise me even though effeminate men were not your type!" DJ's mam snarled back.
"I didn't notice that!"
"That's because you're an idiot! But hey, since you want him so much, why don't you go and take him away?! Raise him the way you would've raised him?!" And so DJ's momma slammed the door shut. Chef was furious. If the judge were to give him permission to kill any person he wanted, that person would be DJ's momma.
But Chef was not as angry as DJ. In fact, not only was DJ angry, he was hurt. He was upset. Chef went into the car and blew his horn to call DJ over. DJ heaved his heavy bones over to the car and slumped down into the passenger's seat. Chef drove back to his house. He was thinking about how he was going to raise DJ. Sure, DJ was old enough to move out, but in Chef's mind, DJ was not mentally strong enough to be trusted to live an independent live.
Chef was going to raise DJ to be a proper adult. Even if it was going to take him forever.
Well there you have it. Sorry if this chapter was not as funny as it should have been. But rest assured, the next few chapters will be funnier and much more insane, and Chef will be contributing to this. Some of the characters like Courtney, Harold, Izzy, Chris, Blaineley, Sierra, Trent, Noah and a few others will make appearances, some may even become regular characters. Sorry if DJ's mother was way out of character in this fic, but that was necessary for the plot.
Until next time!