It was a dark November morning in New York and everything reminded me of death. The flowers lost their color, the trees no longer had leaves and I no longer had a heart. Winter used to be my favorite; I loved the idea of darkness because I was aware that the whole place would light up any time soon when the snow hits the ground, turning everything white. This time, it seemed like it would never snow but it would only rain.

The clouds would shed their tears and release their sadness, allowing us to sink in them. I finally understood why everyone disliked rain so much. It was disheartening and now it all made sense.

I was siting in front of the window, staring at the world with a paper and pencil in front of me. Clouds were forming in the sky and I tried to study it but the paper in front of me was upsetting me. It was blank and it was slowly beginning to mock me. I always thought that if you obliged yourself to do something then you'd do it but that theory was totally false. Siting in the same place for the past three months didn't help because my paper remained blank.

Most people would say that I just sat in front of the window and wouldn't even recognize the paper. I despised the color white, because it sometimes suggested innocence and other times it showed how empty a person actually is. It revealed their true emotions.

A key was placed in the lock of the door, demonstrating that someone was coming in and I exhaled. "Rachel?"

"In here." I responded, leaning on the chair and stretching my back. Clicks of heels were heard and I knew that Finn wasn't back yet. A woman with long black hair stood next to me, gazing outside the window as well. She was wearing a very dark blue dress that was up until her knees and had a black coat on that was not buttoned up.

She looked at me, studying my face and my hair because that's how she knew whether I bothered myself to shower today or just sat on my chair per usual. I didn't have to tell her anything because she knew me so well. "How much do I have to pay you to get your daily weather forecast?"

"It's going to rain." I stated the obvious and she scrunched her face, shaking her head.

"I noticed." She sighed and removed her shoes, throwing them next to the window. It was a tall window that extended from the ceiling to the granite floor. "When was the last time you actually got up and ate something, Rachel? I'm glad you bothered yourself and went to take a shower. You're expecting people sometime this week so please, take shower."

"Santana, I don't want anyone to come over. I don't want to see anyone. I mean, if I did, I would actually go back to work." I muttered and moved my gaze back to the blank paper before throwing it on the floor. "Do you think you can find black paper anywhere?"

"I'll see what I can do." Santana replied, setting a plate of avocado sandwich on the table with a glass of water. She sat on the couch and closed her eyes. This was a daily routine but at first, I used to shout at Santana and kick her out. After a month of shouting and trying to kick her out, I gave up when I noticed that no matter what I said, whom I insulted and how many times I kicked her out, she'd always come back and ask about the weather.

She'd come on Fridays and would check my closet, smelling every single piece of clothing and placing the dirty ones in a basket so she could take it for laundry. On Saturdays, she'd get people to clean the house or sometimes, she'd do it herself. "I can obviously clean better than them, they use hand soap to clean the dishes. What a waste of twenty dollars." On Sundays, she'd either go to the grocery store or she'd go shopping for me. She did too much and even after constant begging, she wouldn't budge and would still come the following week.

"How'd the case go?" I asked because I felt the need to return all that she's done for me by simply caring about her. I was a pretty crappy friend who cared about no one and did nothing but stare outside the window with a blank paper in front of her.

"Horribly. Instead of actually telling the truth and listening to me, Tom lied and said he never met his mafia leader, which by the way isn't even possible, and will be punished by going to jail for two years. I can't even do anything to get him out because they all knew the truth and I warned him about that but he still had to act like a coward and get sent to jail. I feel like I failed because I couldn't help him." She rubbed her face and shook her head. I slowly got off the chair and sat next to her, feeling the couch slightly go down.

I rubbed her arm reassuringly. "You did all you could do, Tana. He didn't listen to you and he suffered with the consequences."

"The same way you don't listen to me?" she asked, looking at me.

"We're not talking about this." I got up and went back to my chair but Santana was already up and she was next to me.

"Nothing would've been like this if you listened to me, Rachel."

"Don't call me that." I whispered, closing my eyes as hard as possible.

"He would've been here and he would've helped you, but you had to push him away! Why did you do that? Don't lie to me and tell me that it was for the best because it clearly wasn't. You're a mess, Rachel and I've been trying to fix you for ages but you cannot be fixed!" She was shouting now and I placed my hands on my ears, trying to shut out every word she said but as hard as I tried to block her out, I heard every single word clearly.

"Stop it." I whispered again, but slightly louder.

"Is this how you want to live your life, Rachel? You're twenty-two years old! What happened to all your dreams and passions? Did you forget them or are you satisfied with siting here all day?" Her voice rung in my ears from how loud it was. I was afraid they'd kick me out but this didn't happen for a long time, everything had been going really well.

"Please stop." I spoke, no longer whispering.

"No one's coming back. You should snap out of it! Everyone asks me about you at work or when I go back to Ohio for reunions and I always lie for you. I'm being sinned because of you! Do you ever wonder how H-"

"Get out of my house! Get out, Santana! You have no right whatsoever to talk about anyone in my house like that. Don't come back! I'm getting my lock changed and I don't want to see your ass in my house anymore!" I exploded, throwing my chair on the floor. Santana didn't even budge; she crossed her arms and looked at me.

"You never get your lock changed. You can't scare me, Rachel. I'm doing this because you need to get your life back together."

"I don't need to do anything." I insisted, smoke still pouring out of my ears. I grabbed my coat that was placed on the rack and put it on, grabbing my keys and everything. "Nothing is wrong with me. I don't need help." I muttered to myself as I closed the door.

Santana never came back. December starts tomorrow and I haven't heard from anyone. No one came to take my clothes to the laundry center, no one bought me new groceries or cleaned my house but maybe I liked things that way.

Or maybe I'm still trying to convince myself that I like it.

I always wished to be by myself and to have the privacy that I deserved but now it just feels plain wrong. I can still hear Santana's shrill screaming voice in my ear and sometimes it haunts me at night that I have to close my ears to avoid hearing all that she had to say.

Was it true? Did I really throw my life away just like that?

I wrapped my scarf around my neck and wore my boots before unlocking the door and stepping outside. Mark, the black haired man, was seated on his chair and was obviously doing his job as the security guard before he spotted me and stood up. "Ms. Berry."

"Mark," I smiled and nodded my head as a greeting. He smiled and looked down, playing with the phone wire. Before I could step outside, I heard him say something but I didn't exactly catch it. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

He looked nervous to be speaking to me. Maybe he heard my daily fights with Santana. "I was wondering whether I should call Ms. Lopez."

"Santana? Why would you want to call her?" I asked and he was about to answer before I beat him to it. "You know, if you wanted to hook up with her you should simply just go for it. She likes dominant people."

"It's not that, Ms. Berry. She told me to call her if you ever decided to leave the apartment when she wasn't around but she recently told me to forget about it because you'd never leave. It's not my place to ask but, why are you leaving the apartment after so many months of isolating yourself?" Mark seemed like a really nice guy, don't get me wrong but the whole thing angered me. Was Santana setting someone to watch me and inform her about my every move? I felt like a kid who had to depend on people. I clenched my fists and felt all the rage boil in me, and what suddenly made her tell him to 'forget it'? I looked outside the window and noticed that it was snowing and I felt angrier than I was a few minutes ago. I despised the color white.

I exhaled, releasing everything that was in me and unclenched my fists. "Don't tell her anything, just pretend like I'm still siting in there."

"But Ms. Berry-"

"Have a nice day, Mark." I stepped outside the building and everything felt wrong. I could actually feel how cold it was instead of looking out and imagining. I could feel my inner self-wanting to smile and walk towards the snow, grabbing a handful of it and just simply feeling it. But that was not what I was going to do; I kicked the snow and walked to my destination, wishing that I wouldn't run back upstairs to stare at that hideous blank white paper.