The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is in the Hamptons. This is inspired by another TV show I love to watch. I wondered what would happen if I blended them together? I got…
Odd Spies Out
"I don't know why you dragged me to this," Mallory grumbled as she walked up to County Day with Lana. "Even sitting by Sterling's bedside gives more stimulating conversation than this!"
"It's Parents Day Meet and Greet," Lana said. "And I don't want to show up alone. Besides AJ is your granddaughter! I would think you'd want to see how she was doing at school!"
"Well I'm certainly paying enough for it," Mallory grumbled.
"Look we need to make a good impression," Lana said. "Especially after that disaster of a night that was the school play!"
"If anyone asks we have no idea who Carol is," Mallory added.
"Since Cheryl has no idea who she is half the time," Lana sighed. "Not a problem."
"What is the point of this?" Mallory asked. "Doesn't AJ have today off?"
"Yes, but this is for the parents of all the kids in the different classes to get to know each other," Lana sighed. "Honestly I could use some friends here. Especially after the few incidents we've had."
"What if Sterling wakes up while I'm away?" Mallory sighed. "Which he probably would to spite me. Typical."
"Well, all the more reason for you to be here," Lana rolled her eyes.
"I have to admit it's worth a shot," Mallory groaned as they entered the building. "Ugh I hate these parent things at schools. I thought I was done with them the day Sterling flunked out of college."
"Just try to be supportive," Lana asked.
"When am I not?" Mallory blinked.
"Never mind," Lana groaned. "Look I really don't know anyone here. This is a good chance for us to make contacts or friends. For AJ to get invited to a frickin' birthday party or something."
"Those are important," Mallory admitted. "A child going to a birthday party in the upper class shows he or she is part of the same social strata."
"That's why you sent Archer to birthday parties right?" Lana asked. "For networking?"
Mallory paused. "Well I'm sure he went to at least one birthday party sometime. Woodhouse probably took him. Although I don't remember one…"
"And another piece of the puzzle fits," Lana sighed. She went to the registration desk.
"Hi! I'm Laura," A bright perky blonde woman in a pink dress smiled. "Co-Coordinator for the Pre-Preschool Division of County Day. Name please?"
"I'm Lana Kane," Lana said.
"Oh sorry," Laura said. "This is for family only. We don't encourage nannies to come because we feel…"
"I'm not a nanny," Lana gritted her teeth. "I'm Abbiejean's mother. Abbiejean Kane-Archer!"
"Oh right!" Laurie gasped. "Abbiejean! Sorry! I forgot about her."
"She's probably the only black student here!" Mallory snapped. "How is that possible?"
"We have other children of color!" Laurie protested. "Somewhere. I'll go get you a program."
"How about getting us a drink?" Mallory snapped as Laurie scampered off.
"Well this bodes well," Lana said sarcastically. "Not!"
"I'll say," Mallory grumbled. "I don't think I can trust a drink made by that little idiot!"
"I was referring too…" Lana began.
"Mrs. Kane!" A stout woman with a large brown hairdo and a green dress walked over to them. "I'm Mrs. Hiller, the head of the Pre-Preschool department. So nice to meet Abbiejean's mother. Face to face."
"See?" Mallory waved. "She knows who you are!"
"Ignore Laurie," Mrs. Hiller waved. "She has some kind of mental problem or something."
"Really?" Mallory quipped. "I hadn't noticed."
"Honestly the only reason we keep her is that she's just here to get her hours in for her teaching license and she's practically free," Mrs. Hiller waved. "She's a bit of a disaster."
"And you're allowing her to work with children," Mallory quipped. "Nice to see the education standards of America are as high as usual."
"Mallory…" Lana warned.
"So Mrs. Kane…" Mrs. Hiller began.
"Ms. Kane actually…" Lana corrected.
"Uh huh," Mrs. Hiller raised an eyebrow. "And your husband…?"
"AJ's father isn't…available," Lana coughed. "This is AJ's grandmother Mallory Archer."
"Ms. Archer in case you're confused," Mallory waved.
"I wasn't," Mrs. Hiller coughed as she looked at Lana up and down. "Oh right. Now I remember hearing about you. I should have known you'd dress like that."
"What?" Lana barked.
"The Pre-Preschool mothers are meeting in Room 104," Mrs. Hiller sniffed. "Try to act appropriate even if you don't dress appropriate."
"Why you…" Lana growled as Ms. Hiller walked away.
"Lana," Mallory restrained her. "Calm down. She's not worth it. It's not her you need to impress anyway. She's only a teacher without a classroom."
"What the hell is wrong with the way I dress?" Lana asked in an annoyed tone. She was wearing her light blue sweater dress and her usual thigh high boots.
"Nothing," Mallory remarked. "If you want to stand between two cars and hold a flag to start a drag race."
"You know…?" Lana looked at her.
"Lana a word of advice," Mallory groaned. "You might want to invest in a pantsuit for the future. Or a longer dress. Just saying…"
"You never had a problem with the way I dressed!" Lana protested.
"That's when we were spies," Mallory gave her a look. "And half of your job was seducing the enemy so…"
"So?"
"Lana this group is more conservative than a Rush Limbaugh tea party," Mallory groaned. "You need to make a good impression on these people. Oh dear God, what am I saying?"
"You know…?"
"Maybe it is a good thing that I came with you?" Mallory sighed. "Look, I'll work on charming the administrators in the other rooms. You try to get an in with the mothers. Smile, be nice. Try not to swear like Pam on a bender. You can do that right?"
"Of course, I can do that," Lana bristled. "I can be very charming."
"Again…" Mallory sighed. "Not trying to get a date in Vegas where someone can win you in a card game."
"Again," Lana glared at her. "You know…?"
"Lana this is how things work," Mallory explained. "The head mother of the pre-preschool set will eventually become the head mother of the preschool set. Then the first grader set and so on and so on. Barring any huge scandal or murder suicide you will have to deal with this woman for the rest of AJ's school days. Possibly up until college."
"I know I need to make a good impression Mallory," Lana gave her a look.
"These are ultra conservative people," Mallory warned her. "They're not open minded like I am."
"You think you're open minded?" Lana was stunned.
"Trust me Lana," Mallory waved. "In some upper class circles I'm practically a liberal with a better tax bracket. Which reminds me. Don't spout off those liberal lectures you love to give. They are a complete and utter turn off."
"I don't lecture…That much," Lana protested.
"Lana these women are sharks in better outfits," Mallory warned. "Ready to pounce on any little thing you do wrong. Trust me. I've had to deal with these types of people for years. I even had to change schools for Sterling because of one innocent mistake. Well that and that slight riot Sterling caused…"
"What did you do?"
"So I accidentally spiked the wrong punch bowl?" Mallory snapped. "The third-grade play was going to suck anyway. All school plays suck! It's no big loss some of them got so drunk they couldn't walk a straight line much less act!"
"Ah I see…" Lana sighed.
"Not that much of them could act their way out of a paper bag in the first place," Mallory waved. "Trust me, the only way any of them were going to have a career on Broadway was to sell tickets."
"I also see why you weren't invited to join the PTA," Lana quipped.
"Just try not to blow it," Mallory said as she spotted some important looking older men nearby.
"Just try not to blow any guy you see," Lana shot back.
"Touché," Mallory shrugged and went off.
"Okay," Lana took a breath. "You can do this. This is for AJ."
She walked in with a smile. She was able to pick out a well-dressed blonde woman in a light cream suit. She had a resemblance to the actress Abby Elliot. The woman saw Lana and breezed over to her with the ease of a queen meeting her royal subjects.
"Hello! I'm Lacy Levane," The blonde woman grinned. "I'm Laura Levane's mother. I'm in charge of the Pre-Preschool Committee."
"Lana Kane," Lana beamed her most charming smile. "Abbiejean's mother. In case you're confused like Laurie."
"Oh God you met Laurie?" Lacy groaned. "Where do they find these people?"
"Trust me," Lana told her. "I've met worse."
"Worse than Laurie?" Lacy raised an eyebrow.
"I know people who make Laurie look like a brain surgeon," Lana told. "And with a lot more money."
"That is frightening," Lacy shuddered.
"One of them actually owns a railroad," Lana remarked. "Be thankful she doesn't actually drive the trains. There's a reason I prefer to fly."
"So do I!" Lacy gasped. "Of course, thanks to the whole unpleasantness with Stratford and Whitney we had to give up our private jet."
"Yeah, the economy is really a bitch in the private plane market these days," Lana remarked.
"Ugh! Tell me about it!" Lacy groaned. "Well I am so glad to finally meet you. I've been telling the board we need more diversity in our school. We at County Day don't see color."
"Neither do I," Lana looked around the mostly white room.
"There are some ladies you have to meet," Lacy said. She gave Lana's outfit a look. "Oh my god! I love those boots!"
"Those are divine?" A brunette said as she and a blonde walked over to them. "I didn't think they made sweater dresses that short."
"This is Brooke Bevens," Lacy introduced a small thin brown-haired woman in a green Chanel dress. "And Barbie Hammerstein," She pointed to a blonde woman in a light pink dress.
"You must be Abbiejean's mother," Brooke realized. "I see the resemblance."
"Well we are both black," Lana quipped before she could think.
The mothers giggled a little. "Oh you are so funny!" Barbie giggled.
"Well with my life I need a sense of humor," Lana remarked.
"Didn't you threaten the superintendent to get into County Day?" Brooke asked.
"Oh like no one here hasn't done that," Barbie waved.
"Guilty," Lacy waved.
"Ehhh…" Brooke admitted.
"Been there, done that," Barbie nodded. "But I just used my lawyers, not a gun. Did you really use a gun on him?"
"No!" Lana snapped. "It was pastry! The gun was in my purse the whole time. Well until the police took it out. The Dean totally overreacted."
"He's probably still gun shy after what Marianne Menzel did to him," Lacy said. "She broke into his house and threatened him with a kitchen knife. I wonder how she's doing?"
"She was transferred to a mental institution a while back," Lana waved. "After she stabbed her cellmate with a spoon."
"How do you know that?" Brooke asked.
"I heard it," Lana said innocently. "You know? How things get around."
"Speaking of things getting around," Lacy said. "Guess who's the latest victim of Stratford and Whitney?"
"This school?" Lana asked. "Because Ivy stole from it?"
"Besides that," Lacy waved. "You know Beth Shorenstein? The fourth-grade home mother. I hear her mother in law got cleaned out and lost all her money. And now she has to live with her son's family. She's a wreck because her mother in law is such a bitch."
"I guess losing all your money and nearly becoming homeless would do that to you," Lana said, speaking from experience.
"She doesn't know what to do," Lacy went on. "She doesn't even go into the west wing of her mansion anymore because her mother in law is just lurking around complaining about everything."
"Why doesn't she just send her to her summer home?" Barbie asked. "That's what we did with my mother in law when she was cleaned out."
"You still have a summer home?" Lacy snapped. "We had to give ours in Cabo up completely! Now if we want to take a trip down there we have to go to a hotel! Or worse, stay with my mother!"
"That's nothing!" Another blonde woman said as she walked up to them. "I've had to cut down having servants to only five days a week!"
"You still have servants?" Brooke asked. "We had to give ours up when we downsized to our condo! It's been a nightmare I tell you! I've resorted to making my kids and nanny clean the place!"
"Speaking of downsizing have you heard about Barbie Zissner?" Barbie asked. "She had to give up at least two of her convertibles and her yacht! And her husband had to give up his yacht! They're yacht-less!"
Okay so this news isn't so bad, Lana thought to herself.
"How do you know Barbie Zissner?" Lana asked.
"Oh, we went to high school together," Barbie waved. "I was part of a club the Three Barbies. There was me, Barbie and Rhonda. But we called her Barbie for short."
"My brother lost his convertible too," Brooke said. "He's so distraught he had to go into grief therapy. And he can barely afford that."
"You know what I can't afford anymore?" Lacy asked. "A cook! We had to let ours go. So now we have to go out or get takeout five nights a week. And the other nights we have to rely on whatever they're serving at whatever party we go to. I am getting so sick of takeout sushi and Thai food fusion it's insane."
"Have you tried cooking yourself?" Lana asked. Lacy looked at her. "I ask knowing the answer is no."
"I have!" Lacy defended. "I just can't figure how to turn the stove on."
"Me either," Brooke blinked.
The unnamed blonde looked at Lana. "I remember you. You were the one who was drinking during the school play! And with those other people who were drinking during the school play!"
"Uh…" Lana began.
"Oh shut up Staci," Barbie groaned. "Just because you're on a no alcohol kick doesn't mean the rest of us have to be on one."
"Yes, but her daughter and her insane friend are the one who wrecked the play!" Staci shouted.
"First of all, she's technically not my friend," Lana spoke up. "And second…The play sucked."
Staci gasped. "Well it did!" Lana snapped. "Everybody knows all school plays suck! And my family is going through a hard time so…Suck it!"
"Well I never!" Staci stormed away.
"That's not what I heard!" Lacy shouted. "Lana between us girls…The play did suck. I mean it was cute and all but…"
"I know!" Brooke grumbled. "Making us come to the school when some of us had better parties to go to! They couldn't just let us write a check or something?"
"At least when that crazy woman showed up it was decent gossip," Lacy waved. "And I'm pretty sure the children weren't that traumatized. I know mine see worse on cable! How do you know that woman, Lana?"
"Uh work related," Lana admitted. "She's the one who owns the trains and she's the main client for our agency so…"
"Oh I get it," Lacy groaned. "My husband has a client exactly like that. Has to show up at the strangest times and does the most inappropriate things. But you have to humor them…"
"Exactly," Lana let out a breath of air.
"Unlike Staci," Lacy glared across the room. "I am no longer humoring her!"
"I can't believe she had the nerve to show her face to us," Barbie sniffed. "Staci stole my nanny! Bitch!"
"The fact that you threatened to beat her up brings you up in my estimation," Lacy admitted to Lana. "She had the gall to put on a dinner party during my Summer Shindig last year! Everyone knows I have the week before Labor Day to put on a party! Not her!"
"What a horrible person," Lana said trying not to have a sense of irony in her voice.
"She even wore light cream to Janice Galdininski's second wedding when everyone knows light cream is my color! Not hers!" Lacy snapped. "Believe you me, she is not going to be invited to my birthday parties in the future!"
"She's practically on the way out as it is," Barbie said triumphantly. "Have you heard? She's going to pull her kids out of County Day! Her family is moving to New York because her husband is now working on a Broadway play now that the studio he was going to make a movie at has closed down."
"He's an actor?" Lana asked.
"He's Collin Speed! You know? The star of those boring car chase movies?" Lacy waved. "Besides only one of the three kids she has here is hers. The others are from his first wife. Whatever happened to her anyway?"
"Oh, she either died or got poor and moved away or something," Brooke waved.
"Shame. I liked her," Lacy sighed. "She knew how to make a good margarita. Which I have to figure out because my husband won't let me buy a new margarita mixer!"
"Lana, I totally sympathize with your child being upset about this whole financial mess," Brooke said. "Children are sensitive to this sort of thing. I could clearly tell that my precious Tiffany was unhappy that her christening gown wasn't designer! It was in the way she gurgled! Poor thing!"
"You should have heard the scream fest my eldest daughter put on when she learned we had to sell our horse farm in Vermont," Lacy added. "I told my husband he should have sold his stupid car collection instead! Well if she throws a tantrum and sets fire to his desk it's not my fault!"
"You sold Horse Heaven?" Barbie gasped in horror.
"We had to!" Lacy protested. "We lost a quarter of our fortune when my genius husband invested some money in Stratford and Whitney! More like…Stealy and More Stealy!"
"But where will my kids go for sleepovers when I want to go do something fun?" Barbie pouted.
"Well here's a thought," Lana said trying not to lose her temper. "You could spend time with your children instead of going out."
"HA HA!" Lacy laughed. "Good one! But seriously Barbie I am not your nanny!"
"Obviously!" Barbie snapped. "I don't have a nanny! Staci stole her!"
"You didn't replace Rosa?" Brooke asked.
"I tried," Barbie snapped. "But apparently I'm on some kind of nanny black list! The one time I make her carry my luggage to the Hamptons. I knew she'd never let me hear the end of it."
"Imagine that," Lana said.
"Not that I could enjoy it anyway," Barbie grumbled. "That weekend we didn't get any sleep. We were kept up all night by this older couple next door screaming their heads off saying the most vulgar things! 'I never should have married you, Ron!' 'You're a whore, Mallory!' 'I have half a mind to leave you, Ron!' 'You're not that stupid Mallory! I have the money!' It went on and on!"
"Oh boy…" Lana winced.
"It was a nightmare," Barbie sighed. "I made Rosa pack my bags that night so I could leave in the morning. You know she's really cranky when you wake her up at 3 AM."
"What about the kids?" Lana asked.
"What about them?" Barbie asked. "They had Rosa then. Besides I'm convinced they could sleep through a war. Which is what I heard next door. I swear I heard gunfire."
"Aren't you selling your house in the Hamptons?" Brooke asked.
"The one good thing about this financial crisis," Barbie grumbled. "The Hamptons are going way downhill anyway. If they let people like that in. Sounded like a couple of alley cats."
"Or worse, immigrants," Lacy added.
Hold your tongue Lana, Lana told herself. Hold your tongue. It's for AJ. It's for AJ.
"I'm not saying all of them are bad," Lacy spoke up. "The legal ones anyway. Like our new first grade teacher. He's a wonderful addition to our community. All the way from Spain. I hired him myself. I think it's important that children learn Spanish. It will make giving orders to the help much easier."
"Very…" Lana struggled to keep her cool. "Forward thinking of you."
"It is so exhausting being so forward thinking," Lacy let out a breath. "If I hadn't put my foot down and insisted that my husband not invest all our money with Stratton and Whitney…Ugh. I would have ended up like Beverly Amesbury Smythe."
"She was a total loser who lost all her money and had to pull her children out of County Day," Brooke smirked. "Her husband left her for another woman and she had to leave the state to some poor town. I think it was Chicago or something. Good news for my sister in law! It created an opening!"
"You have no idea how lucky you are to not be affected by all of this," Lacy waved.
"What exactly does that mean?" Lana struggled to control her temper.
"Well it just means that…" Lacy paused. "I just realized you're not exactly in the same…You don't have to deal with the problems this whole Long Water thing like we have to deal with."
"Real problems," Barbie sniffed.
Lana had had it. "Veronica Deane shot the father of my child and put him in coma. Leaving my daughter to grow up without a father. My business is failing because of her. And I might lose my job because of the whole Deadly Velvet mess. You really want to compare sob stories with me, bitch?"
"Oh…" Lacy blinked. "That's…bad."
"You think?" Lana snapped. "Excuse me…" Lana stormed away.
"Opinion downgraded," Lacy sniffed.
"I think she might be a hooker," Barbie sniffed.
"She does have the boots for it," Lacy admitted.
Lana saw Mallory nearby. "Can you believe this place?" Mallory grumbled to her. "Not a single decent drink here! You would think they would spring for a small bar or even a spiked punch bowl! But no! Just lemonade, water and iced tea. And not even a Long Island Iced Tea! Just a regular iced tea! What a bunch of cheapskates!"
"Mallory let's go," Lana sighed. "Let's just go…"
"Fine with me," Mallory grumbled as she walked with her. "Coming here was a mistake. The people here are nothing more than a bunch of whiny, spoiled, uptight snobs who wouldn't know a good time if it bit them in the ass!"
"Who did you hit on?" Lana groaned.
"Vice Principal Chalmers," Mallory admitted. "Who is a total TEASE!" She glared across the room.
"Guessing by the glare that woman standing with him," Lana sighed. "May I assume he's married?"
"How was I supposed to know he took his wedding vows seriously?" Mallory snapped. "That woman is shrill! That voice of hers could shatter any man's libido!"
"Well Mallory," Lana sighed as they went into a hallway. "When you hit on a woman's husband in the broom closet, women tend to get upset."
"It was not the broom closet!" Mallory snapped. "It was his office."
"And she caught you throwing him on top of his desk," Lana pieced it together.
"Wouldn't have if he didn't scream," Mallory grumbled. "Higher than Gillette by the way. Gillette's a base compared to him!"
"Well if it will make you feel any better I didn't exactly make the best impression on some of the mothers here," Lana sighed.
"Quelle surprise," Mallory rolled her eyes. "What did you do?"
"Lost my temper when those rich bitches started whining about what hardships they have to endure," Lana grumbled. "Giving up servants for a few days a week."
"Ha!" Mallory snapped. "Try years bitches…"
"Losing their private jets and cars…" Lana went on.
"HA!" Mallory scoffed. "Try losing something you can't replace! Like my youth!"
Lana added. "And going out to eat because they can't turn on a stove."
"I knew that wasn't just me," Mallory remarked.
"By the way I think I met one of your neighbors from the Hamptons," Lana remarked.
"Is that the one who let her brats run wild all over my lawn?" Mallory asked. "The nanny was screaming so loud I thought we were at war. So, I fired a few warning shots over their heads. That taught them a lesson about trespassing!"
"That sounds about right," Lana sighed. "And I may have clued them in a tad about Archer and Veronica Deane."
"Oh well that's something," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Are you taking blabbing lessons from Pam?"
"Who am I kidding?" Lana sighed. "I don't fit in here."
"It's not about fitting in," Mallory snapped. "It's about appearing to fit in! Duh! That's the trick! I would have thought all those years as a spy would have taught you that."
"That was on missions," Lana protested.
"Well this is a mission," Mallory said. "Getting Abbiejean into a good school and making sure she has a good education is your mission as a mother. And mine as a grandmother. I just happened to have made a major miscalculation with that stupid vice principal."
"What made you think he was interested in you?" Lana asked.
"He said he wanted to show me some artwork the children were going to show for an exhibit," Mallory told her.
"And that's just code for 'drop your panties, we're gonna do it'?" Lana asked.
Mallory paused. "Well…Seven times out of ten."
"Oh, for the love of…" Lana groaned. "Was there any actual artwork in his office?"
Mallory paused. "Damn it!"
"Yeah," Lana glared at her. "Should have noticed that Ms. Master Spy. Oh, what does it matter? I practically ruined AJ's schooling single handedly when I yelled at those bitches."
"So?" Mallory waved. "That's easy to fix. Next time you see them, just apologize and tell them you were trying a new diet. Blame it on low blood sugar. They'll eat that up."
"Really?"
"It worked for me for years," Mallory sighed. "Until Trudy Beekman opened her fat mouth."
"Huh," Lana thought. "That actually might work."
"Lana listen to me," Mallory said. "You can't win by playing their game. You have to win by playing your game. And your game is the spy slash detective game. Here's what you do. Find out who the queen bees of this hive are and get enough blackmail on them so that AJ will be invited to every birthday party from now until she's eighteen."
"Well that's easy," Lana said. "That's Lacy Levane. She all but declared herself to be the queen of the group of mothers in AJ's class."
"Which one is she?" Mallory asked. "Point her out to me without her noticing us."
Lana and Mallory maneuvered around so they could spy on Lacy without her seeing them. "That's her," Lana pointed.
"Oh yes," Mallory gritted her teeth. "I know that type! A two-ton lighter version of Trudy Beekman. And fifty years younger. Now I see what you're dealing with."
"By the way," Lana said. "You were right. She does make you look like a liberal!"
"Told you…Hang on," Mallory narrowed her eyes. "I know that look. Too well. Look at that man she's glancing at. I'm guessing that's not her husband, is it?"
"I don't think she's married to a Spaniard."
"Now who's racist?" Mallory gave Lana a look.
"Mr. Desoto is from Spain," Lana gave her a look. "He's the new first grade teacher."
"And I'm guessing a diversity hire," Mallory nodded.
"And Lacy did say she had a hand in hiring him," Lana realized.
"I'm guessing it was more than a hand," Mallory smirked. "Looks like a few other body parts of hers helped him get this job."
"She's looking at him like Pam looks at bear claws," Lana realized.
"If I know that look I know what Lacy is going to do," Mallory grinned. "And whom…"
"So what do we do?" Lana asked.
Mallory looked at her. "Lana, you were a spy for years. What did we used to do when we wanted something from someone else?"
"Ohh," Lana grinned. "Right."
"That's my girl," Mallory grinned.
Thirty minutes later…
A half-naked Lacy and a fully nude Mr. Desoto were passionately kissing on the desk of an abandoned classroom. They were having the time of their lives.
Until they realized that they weren't alone.
They looked up and saw that Lana and Mallory were taking pictures of them with their phones. "What the…?" Lacy gasped.
"Hello Lacy," Mallory smiled. "I'm Abbiejean's grandmother, Mallory. How nice to meet you. And you…Mr. Desoto, is it? Don't bother getting up. Oh wait, you already are."
"Nice to meet you Mr. Desoto," Lana smiled. "Oh Lacy, so sorry about my blowing up before. I'm on this new liquid diet and my blood sugar is crazy low."
"Oh," Lacy gulped, not bothering to move or cover herself. "I've tried that. I was super bitchy that week I did it."
"Oh well then you understand," Lana smiled. "So Lacy…Let's talk birthday parties…"