What the heck was I thinking writing this... XD Oh, come on! I can't believe no one else has done something like this before! :D Or if they have, well, I didn't see it! Anyway, this is a great intro to a not serious one-shot I just wrote because my imagination flowed this way. Don't take it seriously, and just think of it as a bad joke! :)
Sparkly the Magic Space Fairy
London, Earth
"We did it!" Shepard exclaimed as he hugged Tali.
It was over, the whole war was over! The Reapers were dead and the cycle had ended! Everything was as it should be...
"It's finally over!" Shepard continued as he pulled his lover closer. "We can finally stop fighting..."
"Thank the Ancestors, John..." Tali sighed as she held him tightly. "The war is over..."
"Oh, sorry, am I interrupting?" A voice asked the happy couple.
Shepard let go of Tali and turned towards the voice with a puzzled look on his face. "Who's there?"
Tali also turned towards the voice. "What do you want?"
The magic space fairy smiled, and came out from behind some rubble. "Hey, I'm Sparkly, the magic space fairy! I made all of the Reapers die so you could be happy!"
"Magic space fairy?" Shepard asked, confused by the odd creature with wings.
"Please, call me Sparkly!" The magic space fairy said cheerfully. "And what I want is what you want, you both have a wish I want to grant you."
"Wait, what's going on?" Tali asked with a confused tone. "Fairies don't even exist, they're from human fairy tales."
"Well I exist, missy!" Sparkly huffed in feigned anger before returning to her cheer. "Oh, I can't stay mad at you. I'm here to grant your wish after all!"
"Wait, wait, wait. Sparkly, yes?" Shepard asked.
"That's my name, don't wear it out!" Sparkly smiled brightly.
"Can you start from the beginning?" Shepard sighed. "We're kind of lost and aren't even sure you're real..."
Sparkly sighed merrily. "Fine, I'll explain myself."
The magic space fairy lifted her magic wand, and showed the room Shepard had met the Catalyst in on a magic screen. "Remember this?"
"Yes." Shepard nodded. "It's where I defeated the Reapers."
"Weeeeeeeell..." Sparkly began.
"Well what?" Shepard glared at the magic space fairy.
Sparkly sighed merrily again. "Don't be mad, Shepard! I just wanted to help, and the three choices were completely out of left field and stupid! That Catalyst was dumb."
"How do you think I felt? I was talking to that insane AI while I was bleeding out and had a terrible headache!" Shepard exclaimed.
"A headache I..." The magic space fairy touched her wand to his head. "Fixed!"
Shepard sneezed and wiped the fairy dust off of his face. "God, why did you-"
"No questions!" Sparkly yelled. "I need to finish my tale!"
Shepard sighed. "Go on."
Sparkly nodded with a big smile on her face. "So yeah, those choices were stupid, but you picked one. You were willing to sacrifice all synthetic life in the galaxy to destroy the Reapers. And here I thought you were the good guy..."
"It needed to be done!" Shepard tried to explain. "The other choices were horrible! Control would have turned me into an unstoppable space Big Brother, and I couldn't even imagine turning all life into some crazy cyborg hybrids while giving all synthetics understanding of organics. How would it have even worked!?"
"Space magic, of course!" Sparkly smiled. "But you wanted to kill the Reapers, and I kind of felt sorry for you, so instead of getting that shitty ending where you almost die and the Normandy leaves and some red pulse is beamed throughout the galaxy that destroys all Reapers, the Geth, and EDI, I just killed all of the Reapers for you instantly."
"What?" Shepard shook his head. "But EDI and the Geth are..."
"Perfectly fine, just like you and Tali!" Sparkly bounced. "Oh, it's such a happy ending, isn't it? You got to beat your enemy and had no negative repercussions for it! It's almost like this is a fairy tale!"
"What about the billions who died or lost their loved ones in this war?" Tali asked. "That doesn't sound like a fairy tale ending."
Sparkly sighed. "You're being a party pooper, Tali! I do all of this work, and you want more! Fine, I'll just revive everyone who died! Problem solved!"
"Wait!" Shepard attempted to stop the magic space fairy. "That would make no sense, and every sacrifice would have been pointless! Plus you might bring back the Illusive Man or Kai Leng."
"Hm." Sparkly contemplated. "I guess you're right, no one would feel special if they gave their lives to save or defend something, only to be brought back immediately through magic. Besides, most fairy tales were actually quite gruesome when they were originally written, so I guess that's the gruesome part in this fairy tale."
"Keelah, this is crazy..." Tali placed her hand on her faceplate and began rubbing it.
"No, it's magic!" Sparkly cried. "Now, I really should grant you your wish before I leave to go screw with some other video game story."
"What video game story?" Shepard and Tali asked in unison.
"I didn't say anything, now you two lovebirds hug again! Your wish involves your relationship, so you both need to agree on the outcome before I can make it happen." Sparkly explained.
Shepard shrugged, and put his arms around Tali again. Tali did the same, and they turned their heads back to Sparkly. "Now what?"
"Now you get to make a choice." Sparkly showed them two video screens. "I know you both wish to one day marry and potentially have children, but that is impossible for a human and a Quarian to do together. I know you two love each other, but I don't actually want to enact the labor of creating a Quarian-human hybrid baby with magic, so I'm just going to turn one of you into the other's species so you're truly compatible to each other in every way. Your choice is, which species do you two want to turn into?"
Shepard stared blankly at the magic space fairy. "What."
"Here, I'll show you!" Sparkly flicked her wand, and a couple appeared on each screen. On the left screen, Shepard was smiling as he held a human woman who closely resembled Tali in his arms. On the right screen, Tali was smiling as she held a Quarian man who closely resembled Shepard in her arms.
The couple stared at the screens for a few moments, darting their eyes from one to the other. They then turned back to each other.
"You know... you look really beautiful as a human..." Shepard smiled.
"And you look very handsome as a Quarian..." Tali lowered her head. "But our immune systems..."
"Wait!" Sparkly interjected, causing the couple to turn their heads to her. "We already fixed the Quarian's immune systems through Geth space magic, so don't let pesky germs affect your choice!"
The couple turned their heads back to each other, and Shepard spoke. "I think you're right... I do look handsome as a Quarian."
Tali giggled. "I guess I look beautiful as a human, too... But..."
"But?" Shepard asked.
"I don't want to change a single detail about the man I love..." Tali whispered.
"And I don't want to change a single detail about the woman I love either..." Shepard whispered back.
"No!" Sparkly interjected again, causing the couple to jump slightly. "Pick one, Quarian or human!"
Shepard shook his head. "I think we prefer both, magic space fairy."
Sparkly groaned and kicked a rock. "Ugh, fine! I'll just let you have Quarian-human hybrid kids then. But if they become lab experiments for some crazy scientist, remember I gave you the option to be normal."
"It's appreciated." Shepard smirked, and turned back to Tali. "But I don't think we could ever really pull off normal."
Tali sighed lightly. "I guess you're right."
"Now just hold still for a moment." Sparkly said as she readied her wand. "And, there!"
A bit of fairy dust floated above the couple's heads briefly before it settled onto the ground.
Sparkly sighed happily. "I love my job, well that's all you two!"
"Wait!" Shepard and Tali yelled in unison.
"Wow, you two are good at that." Sparkly smirked. "What else do you two need?"
"If you're a magic space fairy, you should go around granting everyone's wishes." Shepard explained. "Your magic could solve every problem in the galaxy!"
Sparkly rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know, but that doesn't let me have any me time, Shepard! I mean, come on, if I help everyone all day long then I'd never have time to watch Fairyball with my friends! Fairyville versus Fairytown is tonight, and I'm not missing it, even for the Savior of the Galaxy."
"You won't help everyone because you want to watch some stupid sport!?" Tali glared at the fairy. "That's the stupidest excuse to not save the galaxy I've ever heard!"
Sparkly sighed. "Look, guys, we fairies aren't supposed to do anything down here! The only reason I came was because I thought that Catalyst's three choices were the worst choices I'd seen in my life. Plus I ship you two, so I wanted to make it work better so you're both one hundred percent happy. If my boss caught me I'd be fired and I'd have to mine for fairy dust like the rest of the fired fairies."
"I... see." Shepard turned back to Tali. "Let's just pretend this fairy business never really happened."
"Oh..." Sparkly frowned. "I guess that's for the best. But I wasn't lying, I made you two compatible. Give it a try later if you don't believe me."
The couple blushed, and Shepard coughed. "I, um... sure, we'll... investigate for ourselves."
"Good!" Sparkly twirled in the air. "Now it's time for me to go!"
The magic space fairy instantly popped out of existence, and Shepard and Tali were again alone amidst the rubble of London.
"What should we tell the others?" Tali asked.
"Like I said, it never really happened." Shepard replied with a smirk.
Tali nodded. "I guess we couldn't really explain it if we tried."
"No we couldn't, Tali, no we couldn't."
Author's Note: So yeah, like I said at the beginning, what was I thinking? XD I hope you enjoyed this little not serious one-shot, my other stories should continue this weekend. As always reviews, follows, favorites, etc. are very helpful! And Keelah Se'lai everyone!