BATS DON'T EXIST THEY ARE JUST FICTIONAL HALLOWEEN MONSTERS THAT

by CosmicKitten89

turn into vampires, another fictional Halloween monster. But that's about to change Perry the Platypus... by the way, did you know platypuses weren't a real animal either until I invented the Monotreminator? That's right, I invented the platypus! And my pal Bruce Wayne invented the bat so he could be Batman. This is going to be a looong story Perry the Platypus... CRACK ENSUES

To my usual readers: I apologize to anybody who is shocked to see these 10+ pages of unsolicited crack, for fandom that I've never written for before, no less; after over a month of stress and dragging my feet with my main fic, this just came out of nowhere, didn't it? (Don't worry, I will get to working on that fic eventually; I wanted to save that one for when I had all my homework out of the way but look at me now, basically shirking homework for some story I just came up with on a whim.)

So where did THIS mess come from? First of all the whole idea of bats not really existing is something that I literally believed when I was a little kid, up until I was in kindergarten anyway. That was sort of the inspiration for a random impromptu mini-story, basically a synopsis of this whole thing, in a message I wrote to a friend, and looking at it I thought, wow, that would make a pretty good crossover crack fic. I mean what the heck, P&F the TV series is pretty much all crack and hyperbole anyway. It may get a little rambly... sorry, it's just so fun writing about Lady -pfft- Heinz... yes, I was a fan of the show years before I started publishing fanfics on the internet actually. If you like Phineas & Ferb too, GREAT!

Oh and it's not a Halloween fic. It's not even a Halloween-ish fic, because it's not even Halloween-ish time of year yet. It's not Halloween-ish until Count Chocula, Franken Berry & Boo Berry show up in grocery stores!

To new readers: This fic is a long, cracky, rambling anecdote told in Doofenshmirtz's first-person point of view to Perry's second-person point of view, and it slightly crosses over with Batman. Enjoy!

~DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL DIRIGIBLE~!

So anyway, Perry the Platypus, everybody knows that bats are not a real animal. They are imaginary, just like unicorns and dragons and the Loch Ness monster, just some fictional creature that vampires turn into when they want to fly, and vampires are also just a made up creature. In fact, bats were not even the idea of whoever came up with vampires. The whole idea of bats being, well, a real thing was invented by my old pal, Bruce Wayne.

Now nobody knows who came up with the unicorn, which is part horse and part narwhal, or the griffin, which is part lion and part eagle, or the centaur, which is part horse and part human, or the mermaid, which is part fish and part human, or the Pegasus, which is part horse and part some kind of bird, or the alicorn, which is part horse part bird and part narwhal, or the jackalope which is part jackrabbit and part deer, not pronghorn antelope which is kind of ironic, or heaven forbid the Jersey Devil which is some kind of goat-dragon but I am telling you that I know for a fact that my friend Bruce came up with the bat, which is part rat and part black dragon. That's how he came up with the name, you see; bat is a portmanteau of black dragon and rat. And he named this fictional black-rat-dragon-themed superhero of his "Batman".

I thought it was a silly idea, you see, to be a black dragon-rat hybrid called a "bat", since that would get confused with a baseball bat and nobody is going to want to be rescued by somebody named after a piece of sports equipment! I thought it would be better if he decided to be a black dragon-colugo hybrid called "Bolugoman"... no, no people would mistake him for "Belugaman" and think he was themed after a beluga whale or a beluga sturgeon. Or maybe part possum since, you know, it would be really handy for such an animal to be able to hang upside down, and we'd call it "Bossumman"... nah, people would laugh and make booby jokes, wouldn't they? Or how about a black dragon-sugar glider hybrid called "Booger Glider Man", hehe booger glider doesn't that just roll off the tongue? Or maybe if he just had to be part rat he could be half-Jersey devil instead since a Jersey devil is already part black dragon and then he could be "Jatman"! But I didn't tell any of this to Bruce because I knew he would get all fussy and offended if I criticized his ideas.

Meanwhile, I was dressed up as a cryptid of my own design, one that is part duck and part beaver and part solenodon but really just a teensy-bit solenodon, now I'm not sure about whether it would be Cuban or Haitian solenodon, or maybe some type of venomous shrew would be a better fit... but never mind that, I made it mostly duck and beaver. I decided to call this chimeric-duck-beaver-themed superhero that I invented "Platypusman"! Why, you ask? Well at first I tried out the name "Buckman" since buck is a portmanteau of beaver and duck, but then I realized it would imply a deer-themed or maybe even a jackalope-themed superhero so if I called myself Buckman I would have to go trick-or-treating wearing bunny ears and antlers like all the other kids who weren't original enough to come up with their own chimeric-themed superhero.

So how did I come up with the name "platypus" you ask? Well you see, I happened to know that "platypus" means "flat foot" in Latin, which makes it a logical name for a creature that is half-beaver and half-duck since a beaver-duck would have duck feet and duck feet are flatter than beaver feet so flat duck feet on a beaver would be especially notable, even more so than a duck bill and lack of teeth and laying eggs like a duck and having only one hole which is where the term "monotreme" comes from, not to mention the poisonous barbs on your hind feet which comes being part solenodon, one of the world's few poisonous mammals but solenodons have poisonous teeth and since a platypus has no teeth the poison comes out through the back feet instead. Hehe the foot in mouth jokes you could make with this one... it also makes the name especially ironic because your hind feet feel anything but flat to anyone on the receiving end of your heel kick!

So anyway, where was I... ah, yes, you see, as Platypusman I would literally be going around as "flatfoot man", and you know, there's a double entendre there when you consider that "flatfoot" is a slang term for policeman. Which would make me literally "policeman man". And then I realized... you know what else is a slang term for policeman? Pig is a slang term for policeman! So then I came up with this great idea, for the two of us, Bruce and me, to both go trick-or-treating as policeman man. I would be going around as Platypus or flatfoot-man, and he could dress up as a pig and go as Pigman! No, no, I don't mean Mr. Pignati from that book called The Pigman, I-I mean he could go dressed up as an actual pig. I got really excited about this idea so I called Bruce and left a message on his answering machine asking if he would go as a pig with me so we could both be a policeman-man for Halloween!

But when Bruce showed up, he made this dramatic entrance, you know with a lightning flash and his cape blowing and Hans Zimmer theme music playing in the background because you know he's rich and can hire a bunch of movie effects people to do all that stuff for him... but he wasn't dressed up as Pigman! And then he introduced himself all dramatically by saying... "I... am BATMAN!"

And I pulled down my duck bill mask and goggles and said, "Bruce?" because, man, was that awkward... and then I told him, "But Bruce, I thought I told you I wanted you to go as Pigman."

And Bruce said, "Pigman?", and he sounded utterly puzzled so I figured that he didn't get the message I left on his answering machine.

So I told him, "I-I left you a message, didn't you get it?" I even played the message on my own answering machine for him so he could hear the part where I tell him about my idea and how I came up with it and I was all, "Hehe you like the idea? We'd be a matching pair and only people who know Latin would catch on! You'd be pig and I'd be Latin... hey there's another joke!"

And I must've sounded like really sheepish, while Bruce just stood there all silent and tense and then he said "Pigman?" but this time there was venom... instead of... you know, puzzlement in his voice.

And I told him, "Y-you could make it FLYING Pigman if you want, so you could be a chimera... hehe like half pig half butterfly? Half hummingbird? Half... flying fish?"

And Bruce walked up to me all slow and dramatically and said, "Listen, Heinz. I am the Caped Crusader. I am the Dark Knight. I am-"

And I interrupted and said, "Dark Knight, you mean like the chess piece? You could be like a man's body with a horse's head, that's really a great idea Bruce, kind of like a centaur in reverse, like that Rene Magritte painting of the inverted mermaid that's a fish on top and human on bottom, but-but we could do that next year-" and at that moment he yanked me off the ground by my duckbill mask and goggles, and he was even twisting it to make my throat feel all strangly, as I told him, "I-I-I really wanted us to both go as policeman man, I'm sorry if it was a bit spur of the moment, but there's this great posh pig mask at the Halloween store, it's got a monocle and a top hat and a cigar and you'd look so classy in that and a pair of angel or fairy wings, s-so, what do you say? Are you gonna trick-or-treat with me as the Flying Pigman?"

And he pulled me up to his face, and gave me this death glare and in his cold emo voice he whispered, "when pigs fly."

And then he dropped me on the floor and left as dramatically as he entered. And I got up and said, "Wait... where are you going Bruce? Bruce? I take it you don't like the idea? All right I guess we can do the policeman man thing next year, but if you're gonna go as a Dark Knight I wanna go as a Light Bishop, who's white but only steps on the black spaces because he's on a bigoted crusade against the forces of darkness, there's still time to whip something together I-I think I can pull it off if I put on this KKK mask I found at the Goodwill... what? I thought it was part of a Ghostbusters or maybe a Michelin man costume! I'll staple Jesus stuff all over it, I'll even sew a jingle bell at the tip so it won't look too racist or scary... Bruce?"

And I wondered, was it something I said? I mean, I knew Bruce was a touchy kid, I mean having your parents brutally murdered right before your eyes will do that to you, but sheesh, I never imagined he would take his costume idea THIS seriously, I mean, he still dresses up in that costume and you know what he actually goes around fighting crime in it! But does he ever pay his old buddy Heinz a visit? I, who was his only friend? Nope, he dumped me over a Halloween costume and suddenly I became a friendless loser again.

Anyway, Perry the Platypus, I'm gonna flash forward just a bit to where I met my ex-wife Charlene while I was in community college. How did an evil genius like me end up in community college you ask? Well that's a looong story, let's start with my senior year at Danville High School.

I flunked my calculus final because... you see, I mean, I understood what a limit was, and how to take a derivative, and what that essy mark, watchacallit, the integral means, heck I could do all that in my sleep! I get the big picture and everything, but all the teacher cared about was the little details! I know that missing a factor of negative one can make a big difference in how the answer turns out, but you'd think she'd give me at least partial credit for almost getting the right answer, right?

And my English teacher was much the same way. Now my native language is Drusseldeitsh, which is an Alemannic dialect of German that we speak in Drusselstein, but I still spoke better English than most of my American-born-and-raised classmates believe it or not. But I still got an F on nearly all of my quizzes in that class, because they don't quiz you on whether you grasp the major concepts but whether you remember trifling little throw-away details such as, say, what color that Hamlet fellow's underwear was. What do I look like, an idiot savant? How am I supposed to remember something like that, and more importantly, WHY?

And I actually finished my American government essay early, in class as a matter of fact, but the teacher told me to hang on to it until the day it was due and because of that I lost it!

Now believe it or not I actually did well on most of my physics tests, but I got the worst grade in every single lab assignment, since nobody wanted to be my lab partner, not even the teacher, so I had to do every single lab all by myself! Like for example there was this one assignment where I had to make an egg drop crate but since I had no lab partners to buy the fancy-shmancy craft materials such as Scotch brand tape and Elmer's brand glue and Good Humor brand popsicle sticks I was forced to MacGyver my own egg crate out of used Q-tips instead of popsicle sticks and used bandaids instead of tape and snot from used tissues instead of glue, which I had to dig out of the trashcan at the nurse's office.

Now I was living on my own you see, so I just didn't have the money to buy nice things. My parents sent me letters, but they never sent me any money. Their excuse was that they were saving it for my oh-so-perfect brother Roger. He wanted to attend university here in Danville - did you know that Danville and my home town Gimmelshtump are sister cities by the way? Anyway Roger hardly needed any of the money they were saving for him since he won tons of scholarships. He even won second place at the science fair by stealing one of MY inventions, my very own Curecancerinator! I actually scrapped it since it didn't actually cure cancer, but as it turns out, when you're a child they don't expect you to actually try to cure cancer let alone actually do it so they'll peg you as a genius just for trying. The judges at those ridiculously unfair science fairs, or as I like to call them science pageants since they're anything BUT fair, are so gullible, like all Roger had to do was convince them that MY invention might someday, after many clinical trials and much research, POTENTIALLY cure cancer, or at least detect it. But he only got second prize haha, even he wasn't slick enough to steal first from the bratty little nepotism beneficiary who was always handed first prize for their baking soda volcano. Anyway Roger got more than enough scholarship money so he spent our parents' money on gallons upon gallons of the most expensive shoe polish, the kind that makes the surface of a shoe so slick pigeon goo would slide right off it! Oh right and he also bought a super-expensive first-edition copy of The Great Gatsby, some book that... you know what, I'll bet he never even read it, I'll bet that he only bought it because he thought it would give him some serious snob cred with his circle of circle-jerking navel-gazing snooty-snob acquaintances.

Oh, um, back to my physics class... there was that time that gravity, like everything else in the universe decided to mess with me one day and change its acceleration rate from 9.8 meters per second squared to something more like 10.8 meters per second squared over the 1.8 square meters of land in my physics classroom where I happend to be standing and trying to do this calculate-where-the-marble-will-fall-and-place-the-cup-right-there-kind-of lab exercise. My lab grade would have been PERFECT had the marble followed the laws of physics the way it was supposed to and fallen in the cup instead of like an inch or two short of it! There was actually nothing wrong with my calculations that time, the teacher even double-checked and told me so! See what I'm talking about Perry the Platypus, everything that COULD go wrong DID go wrong! I'm actually thinking of signing up for Ancestry dot com to see if I'm a descendant of the namesake of Murphy's law. I actually met somebody who was a descendant years ago while I was on jury duty, and let me tell you, he had to miss his own birthday, his anniversary, an appointment to have foot surgery for which he had been waiting for months, and the birth of his son Milo to be a juror those couple of days, but he took it all in stride and told me that by being the descendant of the Murphy that Murphy's law is named after he was doomed to be plagued with genetic bad luck. Haha part of that bad luck is that their name was not supposed to be Murphy in the first place. It was actually a mathematician with the surname DeMorgan who came up with Murphy's law, I mean he already made up some mathematical laws that were known as DeMorgan's laws, but no matter how many laws you come up with it still takes some pretty bad luck for your name to be misremembered as Murphy. Maybe he wound up in the FBI witness protection program and that's how his whole family's name got changed to Murphy.

So back to my bad luck in high school, so what else was I taking my senior year... oh yeah, Spanish and P.E. I am actually muy proficiente in español, in fact my Spanish teacher even told me I spoke the best Spanish out of anyone in her class, but my grade in Spanish class was brought down by my sloppy handwriting in this workbook that was worth an absurdly large portion of the grade, even though the teacher only assigned something out of it like twice the entire year! And finally, even though I was placed in the adapted P.E class with all the mentally handicapped and quadriplegic kids so that they wouldn't mark me down for not being able to do a sit-up, I got marked down anyway for showing up late and forgetting to suit up a couple of times... but it wasn't my fault, the school bullies kept on stealing my gym shorts and they never even got suspended for it, and I got suspended just for... ah, never mind. Enough about my high school days, let's move on to when I got into college.

I first applied to Drusselstein University back in my home country, since I knew they wouldn't be so picky like American universities, but I was still kind of shocked that they let me in, considering I got straight D's on my senior year report card. It must've been my high SAT scores, or maybe the school was just desperate to fill its minority quota with representatives from historically underrepresented groups, such as hamsters and ocelots. I technically qualify as an ocelot, since I was raised for some time by ocelots, which must have been why I received a humongous scholarship fund that was set aside for ocelot students. They said the reason it was so huge was because it lay unclaimed for years because of the university's paucity of ocelot applicants. There weren't too many hamsters there either; oh wait, there was this one named Harvey, would you happen to know him? He worked at O.W.C.A. for work-study, and they assigned him to be my professor Dr. Gevaarlijk's nemesis. She was my professor for Evil Science 101. She flunked me my first semester and that was why I had to go back to America to go to community college. The reason she dropped me from the class was not because I was failing but because I was the only one acing or even passing the class - and the professor blamed that on ME! Isn't that ironic? Rather than holding the other students accountable for their own failure she blamed their failure on me being disruptive with my quirky and insightful monologues and sometimes even song-and-dances that I came up with on the spot, I mean, most of the time the song I made up was something educational and COMPLETELY relevant to the discussion, I even raised my hand most of the time, but the professor insisted that I not participate so much because whenever I did I went way over the other students' heads. I don't get why I had to be the scapegoat when Agent H disrupted not only her class more often than I did but her evil plans as well! What's more, she conveniently waited until it was past the deadline to get a "W" instead of an F for a dropped class to dismiss me for poor conduct. She never even gave me a warning That dropped my GPA just enough to make me lose the ocelot scholarship! Meanwhile, after my curve-killing hiney was kicked out Harvey the Hamster's grade shot from a high F to an A plus Now I neither had the money to go to Drusselstein, nor the grades to get into any of the tuition-free universities in Europe. My only choice was to go back to America, which is the one place in the world where even the lowest common denominator could get a college education.

So I went back to Danville and attended Danville Community College - it was called Danville Junior College back when I went there, but they recently passed a state law to change the official name from "junior college" to "community college", now you know it's one thing if they want to change the name but why would they need to pass a LAW for something like that? Because "community" has a more positive ring to it than "junior" possibly? Sounds like some shady doublespeak business if you ask me... so anyway I HATED it there. It was just like high school you know, except that in high school the teachers will pass you out of pity, while in college there's a conflict of interest such that they've got an incentive in flunking you, so you'll take the same class again and they'll get more money from you. The good news is that you can withdraw before they flunk you, that way you just have a W on your report card, which seems kind of shady, but it doesn't look as bad as getting an F! But the bad news is that they didn't have any evil science classes, not even the most basic Evil 101 class! They only had regular old Lawful Neutral science classes that were not only boring but insultingly easy, even the 'advanced' ones, so I refused to take them.

I took mostly stuff like poetry and art and music appreciation because I was hoping to find something easy to major in so I could transfer really quick but no matter how easy the classes were I ALWAYS overlooked SOMETHING - you know this, Perry the Platypus, and that's why you always foil my plans so you're probably smirking to yourself thinking, "That figures!" So I had to withdraw from a lot of classes and switch majors a bunch of times and before long my transcript had so many W's it looked like a stack of Oval Office stationery from the Bush administration! Hahaha I crack myself up, get it, you know I mean George W., not George H.W., and they've probably got monogrammed stationery... aw forget it.

How did I pay for this you ask? Well remember the bratwurst story I told you? Well thanks to the hot dog guys killing my bratwurst business I had to make ends meet by selling my body to science, you know, in clinical trials... man, talk about EVIL science, I've still got scars, and I also made some spare cash as a sperm donor. But you see, they usually don't let you be a sperm donor if you don't have a degree in anything, you know, 'cause no mom-to-be wants some deadbeat siring their children in case whatever makes them such a deadbeat is an inherited trait, so I just showed them the diploma I got from my eighth-grade graduation in Drusselstein and told them it was a doctoral degree in pharmacy from Drusselstein. The flunkies at the sperm bank couldn't read the Drusseldeitsh written in Gothic script haha so they just took my word for it. Heh, the things you do to pay for school, you know I could have just applied for financial aid but that sounded like too much paperwork so I just never bothered.

So needless to say, I HATE community colleges! Why? Because they don't let you take any advanced evil science classes, and they make it very VERY difficult to get out and go to a proper university where you can actually learn evil science! Hehe kinda like a roach motel, students check in, but the don't check... anyway my sheer HATRED for the community college system drove me to build a Destroyallthecommunitycollegesinator to destroy all the community colleges in the Tri-State Area! You see, if I destroyed all the community colleges, then they would HAVE to let everybody go to the four-year school with the advanced evil science classes! I even wrote an evil song to accompany the destruction... here goes, he-hem:

They sentenced me to WELL OVER two years of boredom

For... eh, blah blah something something let me skip to the middle verse:

I don't like your costume... something-or-other

And I don't like these drugs that warp my mind - because, you see, I've got ADHD, and I take medication for it, speaking of which I was supposed to fill my prescription the other day... but I forgot... anyway:

And I don't like my goody two-shoes brother

First we take Danville, THEN WE TAKE DRUSSELSTEIN - even though Drusselstein U. is not a community college but... hmmm maybe I'll have to build a separate Inator to take care of that one... anyway I've got the rest of the song written down somewhere for whenever I get around to finishing the Destroyallthecommunitycollegesinator.

Anyway the only good part about community college for me was meeting Charlene. Her parents were actually billionaires, and she was smart enough to go to a university without going to community college first, but you know how point-one-percenters are, too greedy to even pay their taxes let alone send their own kids to college, go figure. But then one day her parents died in a freak accident, a carbon monoxide leak apparently, and she inherited those billions of dollars and by then we had fallen in love and so now that we had billions we didn't need to go to community college anymore so we quit and got married and had our honeymoon in Australia!

While I was in Australia I saw a sugar glider, and it reminded me of how I thought Booger Glider Man would be a better name for Bruce's superhero identity than Batman, and then I got all angry and hurt again over Bruce not being my friend anymore and that reminded me of why I got into evil science in the first place - I wanted to be a world-class evil villain so that Bruce might drop by one day to stop me and in doing so I would have the chance to apologize for hurting his feelings and make amends! And then I remembered the duck-beaver-solenodon hybrid I came up with and I thought about what would happen if I made it a real animal. It would have such disastrous effects on the environment... just think of all the evil the introduction of the platypus species could have caused! Maybe it would even kill Steve Irwin! Even back then I knew that it wouldn't be a croc or a Komodo dragon or a shark or something REALLY deadly like a hippopotamus that killed him, but something aquatic and harmless-looking but armed with a stinger, like my very own creation, the platypus!

Now I know what you're thinking, Perry the Platypus. Batman only fights crime in Gotham City so if I want to attract his attention I should take my evil business there. Well first of all I did my research, and Gotham City happens to be in New Jersey, and there was NO WAY I was spending my honeymoon in New Jersey, everybody I know who's ever been there tells me it sucks! And after doing a little more research I decided there was no way I was even setting foot in that state! It's full of Jersey devils and jock-bullies in their designer Jersey sweatshirts and those ill-reputed young ladies from that television series Jersey Shore, I've got to hand it to Bruce, I mean, no wonder Bruce never fights crime outside of Gotham City, he's got his work cut out for him that's for sure!

So in order to make Bruce come I would have to do something so EVIL the evil ripple effect could be felt all around the world! And I would accomplish that by not only making the duck-beaver hybrid into a real animal, but removing bats entirely from Australia's ecosystem altogether by changing them all into duck-beaver hybrids! Yes, I actually got carried away with Bruce's fiction, such that for a while I actually believed that bats were a real animal! In fact I wrote a paper on Doonkelberry bats in a 10th grade biology class but the teacher gave me an F and reminded me that this wasn't cryptozoology class... I wasn't the only student who wrote their report on a fake animal by the way; there was a kid, I think his name was Hans Rotwood, he actually thought that dragons and Bigfoot and Nessie and mermaids and the Abominable Snowman were real! HAHAhahaha and people thought I was crazy... anyway, Batman couldn't just ignore something such as all the bats in Australia being changed into beaver-duck-solenodons, I mean, he's Batman! Bats are his people! He can't just let his kin be transformed into such freaks of nature, courtesy of my... Monotreminator!

But it took me the entire vacation to finish the Monotreminator and I vividly recall being just about done with it when Charlene, who was thirty-seven-and-a-half weeks pregnant with Vanessa at the time, came up to me and told me, "Honey, we're leaving. The plane's leaving in two hours."

So I told her, "Can't it wait sweetie? I'm just about done with this thing... and then I will turn ALL the bats into... duck-beaver PLATYPUSES... or would that be platypi? Platypodes?"

And she told me for like the umpteenth time, "Heinz, there's no such thing as bats. Those mammals that you see flying around are sugar gliders, and they don't really fly, they just glide. Now hurry up, the baby's due to arrive any day now, and I want her to be born in America so that if she wants to run for President one day we don't have to tell her Sweetie you can't because you have to be born in America to run for President, but you were born while we were on honeymoon overseas because your father wouldn't put down his Inator for two seconds and forget about trying to make a mutant octopus! Or whatever!"

And I said, "Geez, all right!" Man, I thought she would have a little break from her monthly PMS mood storms while she had a bun in the oven, but instead it was like she was PMSing 24-7!

So just then I put the last piece in place and my Monotreminator was finished! So I told Charlene, "Just let me try it out real quick, pleeeease, there's so many more bats down under than there are... well, up over."

I was so excited, maybe if Batman showed up and I apologized for being evil and turned all the platypuses back into bats he would let me be his sidekick, Booger Glider the Boy Wonder!

All I needed was to find some bats.

Now Charlene was usually slow to catch on to what I was doing, but this time she actually asked, "Heinz, dear, are you trying to play God again?"

And I told her, "I told you already, sweetie, I'm Pastafarian, and according to the Holy Soup the Flying Spaghetti Monster is A-OK with us playing God!" Yeah haha I was a Pastafarian once, can you believe it? I was also a Jehovah's Witness for a little while but I got sick of going door-to-door handing Watchtower magazinelets to random people only to have the door slammed over one of my body parts...

Anyway, I knew I wouldn't be able to find any bats before we had to catch the plane because the plane left around two in the afternoon and it wouldn't be anywhere near dark enough for bats to come out by then since bats only come out at night. But that didn't matter, because Batman would show up any moment in his private jet, at least as soon as he got wind of the evil I was doing! It was surely spreading through the Zeitgeist like wildfire! I thought, ANY MINUTE now he'll get wind of it! Buuut maybe just to speed things up a little... I thought, Nothing screams COME AND GET ME GOOD GUYS like an EVIL SONG!

And so I cleared my throat and took a deep breath like this, he-hem-and sang, "WHEN THE DEVIL IS TOO BUSY..."

But then I forgot all about my evil serenade because all of a sudden at that moment a tiny pot-bellied piglet scampered out of the grass and crawled up to me. And I was all, "Awww, what's a... pot-bellied piglet doing here?"

But then the pot-bellied piglet stood up on its hind legs and put on a brown fedora and I said, "PERRY the pot-bellied piglet?!" Wait a minute, I didn't actually know your name at the time so I couldn't have said that... anyway do you remember being a pot-bellied piglet before I transformed you into a baby platypus? Of course you don't.

Anyway I knew you were assigned to be my nemesis, just like Agent H was assigned to be Professor Gevaarlijk's nemesis. I was kind of excited, because this meant I was evil enough that O.W.C.A. was starting to take me seriously...

But then you leaped up at my Monotreminator and hit it with one of your cute little hooves and I said, "Ahaha, how cute, you think you can actually break apart my EVIL MASTERPIECE with one of your little pork chops... hehe, pork chops, get it, because you're doing a karate chop, and you're a pig so you're por-YOW!"

You kicked me in the shin with one of your little hind hooves! And I told you "That smarts! If you were a platypus I'd need the hospital even more than my wife right now and she's thirty-seven and a half weeks pregnant! Hey WAIT A MINUTE... I'll bet it was BRUCE who sent you! I'll bet HE was the one who founded O.W.C.A., I mean who else would, he's a billionaire for crying out loud! And instead of coming to take care of me personally, he sent YOU to be my personal nemesis... because you're a PIG! To get back at me for the time I wanted him to dress up as a pig for Halloween while I dressed up as a platypus so we could both be policeman men, hehe get it, of course you don't it would take me a little while to explain... anyway, so it's like, he sent a pig to do his duty, because that's what I wanted all along, was for him to show up as a pig, and here instead of him showing up a pig shows up... just like I... wanted... see it's irony, and some really wicked irony at that, gotta hand it to Bruce..."

And then you kicked me where the sun don't shine! And I screamed, "YOWWW... now if you were a platypus, I'd... yow... I-I really wonder what that would do... hey wait a minute... I can MAKE you a platypus!"

And I fired up the Monotreminator and I told you, "I was planning on using this to turn bats into platypodes, but since bats probably don't exist anyway I might as well use it on YOU!" And with a ZAP ZAP simple as that you were no longer Perry the piglet but you had become Perry the platypusling.

And I went, "AHAHAHA now you're no longer Perry the pot-bellied pig, but Perry the platypus! And too bad for you, I never built a reverse setting into this! And it's solar-powered so it never runs out of energy! I'm going to turn all kinds of animals into platypi! Oh look, is that a koala?"

And I zapped the koala and said, "Now it's a platypus! Oh look it's a female red kangaroo, and she's nursing a joey!" And then I went ZAP ZAP and said "Now she's a female platypus nursing an egg! AAAAHHH LOOK AT THAT! The mega-ultra-endangered thought-to-be-extinct thylacine! Also known as the Tasmanian wolf, but not really a wolf any more than the koala bear is a bear, but some people get their marsupials confused with their placentals... AHEM! This thylacine just might be the last of her kind! It would be a real shame if she were to change into a less endangered species... ZIP ZAP! Now you're extinct." Ahahahaha I just made a species extinct! If that doesn't make Bruce go after me...

But then you ran up to me while I was gloating and kicked me in the butt and I went "YOOOOWWWW if you were a platypus now I'd be... wait a minute you ARE a platypus! That means I'm in deep... oh wait, you're still just a baby, so you're not poisonous yet... OOOOWWWW!"

I crashed into the machine, and it broke and created a wormhole! And I told you, "Aaaack, look what you did! You just created a rift in space and time that's about to rewrite history as we know it... now the entire WORLD is going to have their memory changed so that they'll think the platypus is not a manmade mutant but a natural species that has been around all along!" Wait, maybe I didn't know that at the time... but the machine started firing randomly and it changed a wombat, two sugar gliders, and a tree kangaroo into what looked like an anteater-porcupine hybrid.

And I told you, "Wow, look what you did, that's another species from your mammalian subclass, looks kind of like an anteater... no, a pangolin mixed with a porcupine... or maybe more a hedgehog? But-but they still got kind of a duck beak, but they look like bug eaters, like they show their solenodon side more than you... I think they're two species, see, one of them is bigger than the other and has a longer beak... but they're both kind of reptile-like... ah! I'll dub this relative of yours the echidna! After that half-reptile lady from Greek mythology... cause you look like you might be part some kind of horned lizard... YOW quit kicking me in the hiney Perry the Platypus! Your supervisor will get really mad at you if you don't learn to take it easy with the kicking by the time you hit puberty, you'll going to end up killing somebody's dog!"

And I somehow realized that the wormhole that was glowing and swirling and zapping randomly would transport anything I threw in there 11 years into the future. It also occurred to me that you were every bit a platypus now, did not miss being a placental, and you were determined to be my dearly hated nemesis for some time into the future. So I said, "Okay, you know what, screw you Batman, I've got Perry to be my nemesis and he's a platypus now, nyah nyah!"

But then I heard my wife complaining behind me and I realized something. I picked you up and stroked your soft otter-y fur and told you, "You know what, Perry, I don't have time for this, I just don't have time for a nemesis right now. I just got married, I'm going to be a father in less than a week for crying out loud, I need to be there for my little girl while she's growing up, at least until she reaches puberty with the hormones and the drama and the teenage years and she wants nothing to do with Daddy anymore, so how about we put this little thing we've got going off for about eleven years or so... hey look! A spiny platypus! That's like the missing link between you and your echidna cousins! Or at least that's what the zoologists will say if they ever discover... but there's only one of them so it can't breed! And this machine is going to die soon and take our memories of a world without platypi along with it, and you should be... ehhh, somewhere safe in the future I guess. You're too little to be a nemesis, you have to train and grow up a little first. I'll bet that whoever's in charge of O.W.C.A. is very disappointed in you for trying to be an underage nemesis!You were somebody's pet pot-bellied pig, and now you will be somebody's pet platypus." And then I held you over the glowy wormhole thingy you made out of the Monotreminator like Rafiki held baby Simba into the sunlight while standing on Pride Rock, you know, have you ever watched the Lion King? I said, "We'll meet again, Perry the Platypus... see you eleven years from now!" And I let go of you into the wormhole... and well I'm sure it didn't FEEL like eleven years to you, but it felt like it to me...

So now you know why I'm wearing this white horsey mask on my head. If Bruce gets to be the Dark Knight, I want to be the WHITE Knight! White Knight to the rescue, defending his queen against cruel and filthy internet comments from the likes of trolls and misogynists such as the Black Bishop, because you know what they say about once you go black, you never... Ahem anyway, so can you guess why we're now inside a dirigible specially designed to be Jersey devil-, Jersey sweatshirt-, and Jersey Shore-proof floating over Gotham City? To try out my new Vampirestobatsinator! You see, I discovered something incredible last week... VAMPIRES ARE REAL! Which means that BATS are real! How do I know this? I bring you exhibit A, this guy my daughter brought home from a goth club. Now what was your name again? Yes, Beaufort. Now Beaufort here seemed mightily suspicious to me, so I trapped him in my Badboyfriendinacageinator and ran a few tests on him... until he finally confessed, he's a real vampire! Look what happens to Beaufort's skin in the light - it glitters, see? He says that's how you tell a vampire from your run-of-the-mill human being. Exhibit B - now that's a Doonkelberry cake Perry the Platypus, I made that for Bruce, because, you see... of course I'm not talking about Bruce Springsteen you idiot, he's not the only Bruce in the state of New Jersey you know! I'm talking about my friend Bruce Wayne, who just so happens to be Batman, but I'm one of the few people in the world who knows his secret identity which makes it a good thing you're turning into a bat, Beaufort, because bats can't talk and spill his secret identity! Anyway, since since we happen to be in Gotham City, Bruce will be dropping by as soon as he discovers my evil plan to make all vampires turn into bats and not be able to turn back into vampires with my latest invention... exhibit C, the VAMPIRESTOBATSINATOR!

Three... two... one... hey, aren't you going to try and stop my evil plan? It's EVIL I tell you... once everybody knows that bats exist Batman won't have that same aura of mystery anymore and he'll have to change his superhero name to Jerseydevilman! Bruce will have an identity crisis and he'll be stewing over it for weeks and in that time he will do nothing to stop all the crazy villains that live here! Hey, where are you going Perry the Platypus? Oh you're going to let Bruce know about my evil plan, ok, now, three, two, ONE!

Hey, Beaufort, why aren't you a bat? What? You mean to tell me you're NOT a real vampire after all, just some anemic emo kid who likes glitter? Okay then, I'll let you out of the Badboyfriendinacageinator and since you're not a vampire I guess it's all right if you want to date my daughter. Yes, you can take her to that D number zero d Flaggermu number five concert. Does that mean I'm wrong, that vampires don't exist after all?

Oh look is that the Batman symbol in the sky? No, it's a... IT'S AN ACTUAL BAT! And there's another... and another... AAAHHH MY ENTIRE DIRIGIBLE IS FILLED WITH REAL LIVE BATS! Where's my smartphone, I gotta take a video of this... HEY GET AWAY FROM THE CAKE THAT'S NOT FOR YOU THAT'S FOR MY FRIEND BRUCE! OW STOP SUCKING MY... guess I'm gonna need a rabies shot...Hey don't bite that! What do you think this is, a Hindenburg reenactment?

CURSE YOU PERRY THE - hey is that D zero d Flaggermufive?