Countless Cigarettes And Your Blond Hairs On My Pillow

Pairing/Character(s): Jan Levinson, mentions of Jan/Michael, Jan/Ex-husband

Summary: It's very, very, late and it's a very long drive. You have time to think. You have time to reflect. Even if you don't want to.

Authors Note: Don't know the name of Jan's ex so I made one up. Just this random little fic idea I came up with. Hope you enjoy.

"I never should have hooked up with Michael."

"Yeah...why did you?"

"It was very late Jim, very, very, late."

She really likes to believe that she didn't smoke as much as she does now...before the divorce. Because she's really so close to being up to a pack a day and she can feel her teeth turning yellow, her skin starting to crack, and wrinkle, and age, and she starts to believe that maybe that's why it was so easy for John to leave her.

She has a two hour drive ahead of her that she's not looking forward to. And there's nothing on but talk radio. She hadn't bothered to bring any c.d.'s.

So just because the idea of random highway silence is just so fucking unbearable to her right now she decides to listen to Sheryl G. from Michigan talk about her affair and how her husband doesn't love her anymore.

"I...I didn't plan it." Sheryl G,'s voice is sad and weepie. She's talking in a hushed whisper. Like she's trying to not be overheard by someone who doesn't love her anymore.

"Of course you didn't." the radio host's voice is smooth as creme and so sympathetic.

It makes her stomach turn.

It makes her pull her car over and sit there as the car's go by.

"I didn't plan it." She could picture John saying.

"I thought we'd last too."

"He was just...just so kind..." Sheryl said. "A little...a little goofy...not my type at all but...so nice to me."

Jan can hear the tears over the phone.

She can hear the woman's silent tears over the phone.

She thinks about Michael and his coffee breath.

Stupid, stupid Michael and how late it had been.

How weeks before they'd even really decided to separate John had just...stopped touching her.

"And now I can't even look at my husband...even though...I know he has someone else too...even though I know he doesn't love me...he doesn't want me...I can't just...I feel like I should be apologizing to him."

"Oh..." her stomach hurts. She grabs her purse and pulls out her lighter.

Her lifeline.

She inhales.

It's just so late and so cold and such a goddamn shitty night.

Michael really hadn't been that bad of a kisser.

A little clumsy.

A little unsure...eager.

He kissed like a 16 year old boy and she'd liked that.

Life had been fun when she was 16.

Nicotine and smoke had been daring and sexy when she was sixteen.

Now it was just so fucking sad.

She thought about the overnight bag in her backseat and wondered what the fuck had she been expecting?

Sheryl was just breathing quiet sobs into the phone at this point.

Sex with Michael...Sex at 16 had been horrible. Clumsy and quick and regrettable.

No. She didn't have to fuck Michael Scott to know exactly how it wold be.

She closed her eyes and finished off the cigarette.

But at least he'd be sweet. She knew. At least he'd smile at her in the morning.

She knew...

She turned off her car just as the radio host inturrupted "Sheryl. I'm afraid we have another call..."

She layed down in her car. She stared at her glove compartment.

"Your breath stinks." John had said.

The last time he kissed her.