(A/N): This is a parody. It's supposed to be humorous and not taken seriously. Read and enjoy.

Disclaimer: The PJO series belongs to Rick Riordan.

The end of the world started when a large black man landed on the handlebars of my bicycle. Even then, I was still having a pretty rotten afternoon.

My friend, Rachel, and I had been forced to bike ten miles all the way to this private stretch of beach on the South Shore because my stepdad's cheap ass wouldn't let me borrow his car. Now I know you're probably thinking, 'You biked ten miles just to go to some private beach? Is it even worth it?' But it was pretty important to me. A private beach would've been a perfect place to try and seduce Rachel (something I've been trying to do for a year now).

But as always, things didn't work out exactly as planned.

"You know what, Percy," Rachel began, "I'm a little disappointed right now."

She was gazing across the Atlantic, a small frown playing across her lips.

"Why? What's wrong? Did I do something?"

Rachel shook her head, "No, no. I don't think it's you, Percy, it's just that, well...I mean this seems like it's supposed to be such a beautiful scene..."

"What are you talking about, Rachel?"

"Well, look around you Percy. The sky is clear, there's a gentle breeze blowing through, the sun is setting, there's no one in sight. I just don't understand how the sea can be looking so trashy today."

She was right, the variables didn't add up. Because of the sunset, the sea should've been shimmering and glistening and looking overall fantastic. Instead, it looked like green shit that had been mixed together with toilet water; as if my dad had made it especially ugly, just for us.

My dad, by the way, is Poseidon, lord of the sea and king of all douchebags. He does stuff like this.

"I don't know what to say, Rachel. My dad must not like us being here together. I guess he's a Percabeth shipper."

Rachel looked at me like I was nuts.

"What's Percabeth?"

Did I mention that I am the only character who's broken the fourth wall?

"Oh it's nothing, Rachel," I said as I started reaching for her ass, "Percabeth doesn't have to matter here," I purred.

Unfortunately, Rachel slapped my hand away.

"Listen, Percy, there's something I need to talk to you about. I think...I think I've been seeing things, visions maybe, and..." Her gaze drifted toward the sky. Her pupils widened.

"And? And what? What visions?," I huffed impatiently.

"You know what," Rachel said in a small voice, "That doesn't matter right now, because I think Chris Rock is about to fall on your bike."

The words had hardly left her mouth, when a large, black male had fallen on the handlebars of my bike (nearly toppling me) and then on the sand beneath me. He quickly got up, cursing and muttering something about rentals. After he had wiped all the sand from his face, I quickly recognized him as Charles (Chaz) Beckendorf, my homie from Camp Half-Blood.

We clasped hands.

" 'Sup Chaz. Is it time?" He nodded glumly.

A lump formed in my throat. I'd been 'on call' for a mission the past few weeks. I'd known this day would come sooner or later, but I'd mostly hoped it wouldn't ever happen.

Rachel greeted Chaz with a cheerful 'hi!', but she wasn't looking him in the eye, instead, she seemed to be staring intently at his crotch. I had to suppress a little twinge of jealousy.

"Soo," I started, "Where's Blackjack? I want to get this mission done and over with as soon as possible, Chaz, so let's get on the pegasus and-"

"Hey, Percy?," Chaz interrupted me, shifting uncomfortably, "I don't mean to burst your bubble, but, we're not actually taking Blackjack this time..."

"Not taking Blackjack..." I echoed, "Then...then what's our means of transportation? Wait a minute, how did you even get here?" Then, a disturbing thought crossed my mind. "We're not riding with that pervert, Apollo again, are we?"

Chaz shook his head and pointed sadly to something behind me. I shrieked when I saw it.

It was a dirty, brown cow, chewing on grass, with five foot long udders that dragged on the ground underneath it (I think one of them was a dick), and a set of moldy looking bat wings protruding from its stomach.

It farted.

"Chaz!," I turned to him fiercely, "What the fuck is this? Where's Blackjack? Where's my pegasus?"

Chaz held his hands up in defense, "Sorry, Perce. We've had to make some budget cuts. Blackjack was just too much to keep. He was always asking for sugar cubes and he would refuse to fly unless we brought some hookers to his stall after a mission. So we had to sell him. We used the money we got in exchange to rent out this thing. It's a five year rental, by the way."

I turned away from Chaz and looked back at the ugly creature, who was now staring at me curiously.

"What is this thing," I said, "Please tell me my dad didn't make this."

Chaz rubbed the back of his neck, "Frankly, as to what it is, well...not even Annabeth knows, and we don't know if your dad created this either. In any case, Chiron put this animal in your name.

I face palmed.

"Well that's just great," I muttered, "I guess the only way of knowing whether my father made this or not, is if I can communicate with it."

Cautiously, I made my way toward the flying thing. He regarded me strangely.

Hi, I thought, hoping it wouldn't respond.

Howdy!, it responded. Of course it did. Why couldn't my dad just stop making his shit creations, and focus on the water for once?

Um, hey. Who are you? I thought despondently.

The name's Whitejack. Flying ex-tro-din-aire, and official cowgirl pimp!

Whitejack? I thought. But you're a brown cow.

Aww, don't discriminate now, pardner. Yer coal black friend over there tried to label me, and I shook him off faster than any eight second ride, I reckon!

Ooh-kay then, I answered, Er, nice meeting you then...Whitejack. I can't wait to, um, fly...with you.

Sure thang! He responded enthusiastically.

I slowly walked back to Rachel and Chaz and then cried. They patted my back sympathetically. I cried for a good ten minutes before I was able to pull myself together.

"Okay, Chaz," I sniffed, "Let's go save the world..." We walked over to Whitejack and mounted.

"Good luck guys," Rachel said softly, "Kill some monsters for me, okay?"

I nodded, then looked at her expectantly, maybe for a possible goodbye kiss. Rachel just ruffled my hair and said, "Bye buddy." She winked at Chaz.

I don't think I've ever felt any worse.

Alright boys! Whitejack hollered in my mind. Hold on teh yer saddles! This is gonna be a hell of a ride! Yee-haw!

Whitejack farted a couple of times to get his engine started, then took off.

Chaz looked back at me with pity in his eyes.

"Wow," he said, "You got friendzoned pretty hard back there."

I nodded glumly.

"Don't worry," he assured, "You still have Annabeth."

Some hope sparked in my chest. I did still have a chance with Annabeth, even if she was always playing hard to get. I might get some ass after all.

It was dark when we spotted our target. The Shit Ship, a small, wooden, pirate vessel, was barely visible in the black night. As we soared closer, I noticed a few telkhines tossing perfectly good barrels of oil into the sea, and snickering about how 'Obama was going to get a kick out of this!'

Whitejack, I thought, set us down on the lowest stern deck.

Whitejack didn't respond.

Whitejack? Hey Whitejack! Hello?

Still nothing.

"Oh shit, Percy! I think Whitejack fucking fell asleep!"

"Oh hell no! Whitejack! Wake the fuck up!"

But Whitejack was still snoring away, muttering something in sleep about 'square dancing' and 'that bitch Taylor Swift.'

"Oh no," I said, "We're flying straight over the ship. This fucking piece of burger meat will not wake up! We won't be able to complete the mission!"

Chaz looked at me grimly, "We're gonna have to jump into the sea. You can use your water powers to cushion our fall and then have a wave shift us on deck."

"Yea," I said, "That would be a great plan if my dad wasn't such a douche. I can imagine him now: 'Oh, Percy and his friend are hurdling toward the sea? Let me just take away the ocean for a little bit.' "

"Percy, we're gonna have to trust that your dad is feeling nice today. Whitejack just flew over the ship. We have no choice."

He was right, unfortunately.

"But I don't know what we're gonna do about Whitejack," Chaz continued, "He'll fly forever if we let him."

I snorted, "He can fly straight into hell for all I care. Let's just jump. On the count of three: One, two, th-"

Chaz unexpectedly kicked me off of Whitejack, and my life flashed before my eyes as I screamed all the way down.

I saw my fifth birthday party, my first time at Montauk beach, the first time I had ever seen Annabeth, Chiron trying to get me to touch him, Poseidon, my mother and I on Maury, Poseidon crying when Maury said, 'You are the father', me spying on Rachel while she was in the shower, and finally, Annabeth twerking on me at Westover Hall.

My series of flashbacks ended when I hit the water.

At first, I thought Poseidon was gonna pull a dick move and turn the water into ice as soon as I impacted. Instead, the water felt soft and wispy and a lot like a pillow. Chaz hit the water just a few seconds after me and I could tell he was just as surprised. We broke the surface, gasping and waving our arms to keep from sinking.

"Okay," Chaz started, "That was pretty good. Somehow we dropped undetected by the ship even though you were screaming like a bitch all the way down. We're also only twenty feet away from the ship even though Whitejack flew, like, sixty feet past it, but who cares? All you need to do now is get a tall and quiet wave to stealthily drop us on board the deck. Sound good?"

I nodded and whispered, "Okay, Dad, this is the last favor I'm going to ask you for, so please, just grant it, and you probably won't hear from me for about 10 years. Thanks."

Concentrating hard, I gathered up a tall wave that slowly, but very quietly, moved us directly in front of the port side of the ship.

"That's it, Percy," Chaz encouraged, "Just gently drop the wave, and we'll be onboard."

I exhaled deeply. "Okay Dad. This is where it all counts. Just once, for your son."

I slowly relaxed my grip on the water...and the fucking wave crashed against the ship like a wrecking ball. It was as if Poseidon himself had deliberately gotten behind my wave and pushed it with all his strength into the side of the ship. We crashed onto the deck, making the loudest noise ever and effectively tipping the ship. It only took a few seconds for squadrons of telkhines, dracnae, and empousa to surround Chaz and I.

The monsters held us on deck until the crowds parted for a familiar figure that was walking towards us menacingly. I looked up and stared into the face of my old nemesis, a tall sandy haired guy, named Luke Skywalker, who was currently being possessed by the evil Lord of Time, Crow-Nose (he always insisted that people call him 'Kronos', but nobody cares).

Crow-Nose (Kronos) looked down on me with a nasty sneer etched on Luke's face.

"Well, well, if it isn't Perseus Jackson. What an unexpected surprise, and by unexpected, I mean- COMPLETELY EXPECTED!"

Chaz rose to his knees and grumbled, "I'm here too, you know."

Crow-Nose's eyes lit up when he saw Chaz. In a millisecond, he went from evil and scary, King of the Titans, to a wannabe, white, Jay Z.

"Aye, wassup home dawg! You lookin' fresh today homie! You got your Jesus Piece on and...ayo, are those the new Jordan's? I need to cop me some of those bruh."

Chaz glowered at the obvious stereotyping going on, but nevertheless, he and Crow-Nose clasped hands. Then Crow-Nose turned back to me and reverted back into evil mode.

"As for you..." He smiled at me cruelly and then turned to the nearest monster. "You! Turn on the menacing music! I have a few words for our dear son of Poseidon here which would go great with that song I picked out."

The monster scampered over to a stereo under the mast and pressed 'play'.

Now, I don't claim to be an expert when it comes to evil music, but I'm pretty sure that playing "Hold On, We're Going Home" by Drake isn't going to help much in the menacing department. Crow-Nose seemed to be thinking the same thing.

"Not this one you idiot! It was track three! The one by Dr. Dre! How can you embarrass me like this?"

The monster looked at Crow-Nose helplessly.

"I'm sorry, my lord, but this is the only track on the CD! Someone must have forgotten to burn the rest of the music onto the blank disc!"

Crow-Nose groaned, "That was fucking Luke's job before I possessed him. Ugh, no matter. Jackson, you are in for a world of pain and doom!"

Crow-Nose continued describing the different ways I would die for about thirty minutes. "Hold On, We're Going Home" kept playing on repeat, so it was a little hard to take him seriously while Drake was singing, 'Cause your a good girl and you know it' in the background.

Eventually, it got to the point where Crow-Nose actually decided to stop talking about killing me and actually do it for real. He grabbed his scythe, which used to be Luke's old sword, Butt-Biter, and hung it over my head. He growled and looked down on me with triumph lighting his features.

"Any last words, Perc-," Crow-Nose abruptly stopped and straightened himself. Then he sighed and put his finger to his left ear as if he had an earpiece on. I couldn't see one, but it was clear that Crow-Nose was listening to something that the rest of us couldn't hear. Soon, he started responding to it.

"No, I'm not gonna- wait, what? You're crazy, this is- no, no! Why don't you just go away, I'm trying to kill Perc-...I did not do that! How could you- you know what? Fine! Just, just please don't start! I'll do it! Just stop singing!"

Chaz and I shared a confused look, while the monsters seemed to think that this was normal. Crow-Nose finally turned his attention back to us and sighed, his eyes now looked weary instead of fierce and proud.

"Um, Crow-Nose," I began, "What was that?"

"My name is Kronos," he snapped, "and that was just Luke. I may have taken over his body, but he and I still share a brain. He's always being annoying: he gives his unwanted opinions, makes stupid, random comments, tries to get me to do perverted things, he's always thinking about porn, and he won't stop fucking singing! I swear, if I have to hear "The Girl Is Mine" one more time, I'm gonna-"

"Yea, yea," I interrupted, "Your life sucks. But what did he say?"

Crow-Nose groaned, "It's a message for you. He says that if you're planning on screwing Annabeth, she likes Trojan Fire and Ice the best. He also says that Annabeth apparently loves doggy style."

Chaz nodded and said, "True."

"Oh, well thanks you guys. That was very helpful."

Then I thought for a little.

"Wait a minute, Chaz! How do you and Luke know-"

"Not important," Crow-Nose interrupted. "Now back to business..."

But then he started scowling again and said: "Great. Luke's talking again. Excuse me for a moment..." He walked away to a corner and started going back and forth with Luke.

Meanwhile, the monsters stupidly decided to watch Crow-Nose v. Luke, instead of watching Chaz and I. We got to talking.

"Percy! I know how we can destroy the ship without using the explosives we didn't bring!"

"Brilliant!," I exclaimed, "What's the plan?"

Chaz pulled out a golden coin from his pocket. He flipped it and caught it and now there was a golden sword in his hand.

"Wait a second," I said, "Isn't that Jason's?"

Chaz looked at me strangely. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Percy. All I know is that if you break Imperial gold, an explosion is the result."

"So you're saying that you know what Imperial gold is, but you don't know who Jason is? After all, that's his sword your carrying."

"Focus, Percy!," Chaz snapped, "I'm going to have to break this sword, sacrifice myself, and destroy the ship. Do you understand?"

I nodded, "That's fine with me. I'll just dive into the water, forget about you, and save myself. But how are you going to break the sword?"

Chaz frowned at me, looking a little disappointed. "I'm black, Percy. I can break this with my bare hands."

"Oh yea. I forgot."

"On the count of three then, Percy! One, two, thr-"

"Hey!" It was Crow-Nose who shouted. "I hope you're not gonna break Jason's sword and destroy this ship!"

Chaz and I both shook our heads 'no'.

"Okay then," Crow-Nose said, "Carry on."

"Three!" Chaz shouted.

I only had a millisecond to jump off board before everything exploded in a storm of golden light.

As I blacked out and sank like an anchor towards the bottom of the sea, I could only think of one sad and depressing thought...

Damn, we really screwed that Jason kid over.

*Somewhere all the way on the opposite side of the country*

"Shit, Reyna! Where the fuck is my sword?"