Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan. (insertion: although I really want to!)
My latest story that I'm working on now is 30 Wishes: Shinichi and Shiho! I'm currently busy with chapter 5. And watch out Ran fans, you'll get your share of the fun reading experience as well! That's including you, HopeGrace1920 and Mat49324! I know that you are Shinichi X Ran fans… well, now, you all have to be happy since I'm currently working on my newest fiction story entitled- 30 Steps: Shinichi and Ran! Yep, you've got it! I am a fan of BOTH couples! Haha!
Well, just so you know, this is a ConanAi fic… Gomenasai to Ran supporters…
Genre: Friendship/Angst
This story is in the POV of Haibara Ai.
Atashi wa Itsumo Hitori Janai
I was Never Alone and Never Will be
Authored By: Miyano Ran
"Huh…" I sighed, staring out the window as I glanced at my watch.
2:30 pm… Two more hours before I can go home… this is boring…
I made a fog on the window since I sat the closest to it and I wrote the character "AI" meaning sorrow on the fogged up window pane. I was bored. The teacher was teaching how to add decimal numbers. She went on and on, and I was SO bored…
Its winter… Christmas is near… But I have no one to celebrate with… I'm alone, as usual…
I had thought.
"Haibara-san!" Taruka-sensei called out, and that's when I came back to reality.
I flinched and looked at the teacher. "Yes, sensei?" I answered obediently.
"You have been spacing out lately, Haibara-san, and you are one of my top students in this class. Are you feeling sick? Do you want me to ask Edogawa-san to accompany you to the clinic?" The teacher asked me with concern in her voice.
Kudo was looking at me worriedly, in fact, the members of the Shounen Tantei were all looking at me with concern. No… wait! The whole class is looking at me worriedly now. It seems as if I'm so important in this class… which is not even true, I have never been important to anyone anyway… I've only been important to the organization since I made their dirty works… such as creating lethal drugs… Yeah right, dream on, Miyano Shiho… no one likes you in this world…. You will forever be alone… Alone forever… in the darkness…
I had thought bitterly.
"Haibara?!" My attention was called out for the second time already. This time, it was no longer sensei, it was Kudo.
Stop acting like all of you even care a single bit about me…
I saw the class's eyes all fixed not on their books but on me, and on their faces had plasters of worry and anxiousness in them! That was making me feel extra guilty. All I did was to space out and here they are, all concerned for little me… I hated it, I hated this feeling!
Would you all just STOP pretending that you care! When in fact you all don't know a thing about my past! I have no one to share the burden with!
I thought grimly as I screamed inside me.
"I'm fine, sensei, just slightly tired…" I said, trying to release a fake smile.
Kudo still stared at me doubtfully.
I said to him monotonously for assurance. "I said I'm fine."
"Oh, okay, if you're sure." The teacher said, although she still sounded worried.
Then, after a while, the class started to resume in answering the exercise on adding and subtracting decimal numbers which I finished 10 minutes ago.
See… the class forgot about me instantly… I'm never important to anyone… I'm alone…alone…
Atashi wa itsumo hitori… (I'm always alone…)
"I wonder if Ai-chan's really okay. I'm so worried for our best friend." Ayumi whispered.
"Yeah, she's been looking sad lately. Maybe she doesn't realize that we love her so much." Mitsuhiko pointed out while solving a math problem.
Conan, Genta and Ayumi stared at him naughtily.
"Wh—What?" Mitsuhiko asked innocently. "I meant love as a friend…as a tomodachi… What did you guys think of…?" Mitsuhiko blushed beat tomato red!
"Nothing!" The three chirped.
"Anyway, I hope that Haibara-san feels that she is special to us and that she is not alone!" Genta chirped on.
"Yeah." Conan sighed, nodding.
I'm alone… always alone…no one by my side… no one to talk to… no one… no one who understands me…
And Conan, as if he were reading my mind just now, took my hand, squeezed it and smiled.
"You're not alone, Haibara."
I flinched upon hearing what he said; it was like he was contradicting my inner beliefs.
"Baka, of course I'm not alone, this world has over 3 billion people." I laughed sarcastically, hiding the pain beneath me. "This class has 45 students and…"
"That's not what I meant." Conan said to me gently, holding my hand. "You are not alone. I'm always by your side. You can always talk to me whenever you feel like it. You can always cry on my shoulder when you feel sad, when you have a bad nightmare of your neechan… of Gin. I understand you. If ever I don't, I will try to understand." He smiled at me again. "Not only me, you have hakase, the shounen tantei, even Ran and Heiji. You can also share your burden and pain with me."
"Idiot…" I said, turning around to face the foggy window again, completely ignoring him.
"I'm serious." Conan said to me while smiling.
I still ignored him, not saying a word.
"You will always have me." He whispered softly.
I still didn't face him, although a small smile crept on my cheeks which I wasn't able to control.
I started reminiscing our memories together.
I'm not alone… and I never was…
Days with Kudo…
Before I met Kudo, I had my neechan…
Right after she died…my beloved sister, I instantly met Kudo through twisted destiny…
Ever since I met him…I wasn't alone…
And here I am thinking stupidly that I was… but all along… I wasn't…
When the hijacked bus exploded… he was there… saving me… embracing me… protecting me…
He tried to save me when I almost fell of the flying car one time in that time when we escaped the bombed hotel…
He was there…
When I was almost killed by Gin in the hotel rooftop…
He saved me…
He was THERE…
When I was sick and had a high fever at hakase's house…
He was THERE…
He sat beside my bed until I slept… He put a warm cloth on top of my burning forehead…
He was THERE…
When I broke down into tears one time because of the death of my sister…
He was THERE… I cried on him… He just comforted me…But, he was there…
When I woke up because of a terrible nightmare about Gin and the organization…
He was right there beside me…
And that's when I realized… He was always there whenever I needed him…
Whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on… a friend to talk to… I HAD him… ALL THE TIME…
That's when it struck me as I realized…
He was right…
I do have him…
Days with the Shounen Tantei…
When I got sick at hakase's house…
They visited me… They were worried for me…
Ayumi brought me flowers… Genta brought me loads of food… while Mitsuhiko kindly gave me the assignments for the day… Kudo cooked chicken soup for me…
It wasn't delicious… It was too salty…
But at least he tried…
The point is… THEY were THERE…
When I was lonely…
Ayumi got near me and tried to ask me what's wrong and she even brought me all the way to the clinic… and for that, I'm deeply touched…
Genta on the other hand, tried to lighten my mood through food…
Well it wasn't effective…
But, it's the thought that counts… right?
And then there's Mitsuhiko…
He tried to give me his crazy jokes which were so lame and corny…
But at least he tried… I'm very touched of his actions…
Kudo tried to talk my problem out… He hugged me and tried to comfort me…
During the time of exploding building…
I wanted to commit suicide, to die… to finally end all hell in my life…
But I was stupid…
My life wasn't that bad, and I was replacing it for death? I'm really a fool…
There are a lot of people who care about me…
Genta even carried me from the chair until the car…
When I fell from the flying car, Mitsuhiko grabbed my hand and didn't let go… he saved me…
He even said that he wouldn't forgive himself if something happened to me…
And for what he said, inside, I vowed myself that I'd remain alright…
…Because I would never forgive myself if that boy hated himself just because he would be able to save me… Therefore I wouldn't fail the sweet boy… I shall live…
And Ayumi and Kudo were brave enough to work together for us to escape from that exploding building via our spots car…
They CARED…
They were THERE…
I smiled, enjoying what I was getting at. It's really a great feeling to know that there are still people who actually care about me. The teacher still wrote more arithmetic equations on the board, but I didn't care, I could pass her math test any day, but, all I wanted at that time was to go back to my musings, and so I did.
My days with Agasa hakase…
They were the best days…
I helped him cook dinner everyday…
I'd always fix his mess and help him in his lab work…
But that was okay with me…
I had a companion…
A surrogate father…
HE was THERE…
All the times that I failed, hakase with help me get back up again…
If I couldn't sleep at night… he would make me his very best warm cocoa milk…
If I still couldn't sleep, he'd do what any father would…
He would try to sing me a lullaby… but of course those no longer worked on me…
I'm not even sure if lullabies EVER worked on me… Yes… I'm not normal…
But the act itself put me to sleep; the lullaby didn't put me to sleep…
Hakase's mere thought of putting me to sleep through a lullaby was the one that beckoned me to bed… and in those nights… I rarely got nightmares unlike most days…
Days with hakase were filled with happiness and sunshine…
Hakase was ALWAYS there for me… supporting me all the way…
I never felt what was like to have a father…
But after he came to my life… I now know… how having a father feels like…
I always had grocery shopping with him…
I always do everything with hakase… I eat dinner with him, too…
He was the first one to find me…
I was outside the street unconscious… soaked wet in the rain… and homeless…
But, he adopted me… He took me in… He believed me… He took care of me all the way…
He is such a caring old man…
I will always love hakase…
After all the camping trips we went together…
After every good deed he did for me… Geez, if I tried to think of them all, I would never stop… since he helped me countless times and he did well to me countless times as well…
All I can say is that I love hakase as my own father…
I suddenly frowned, remembering one certain person…
Yes…
Akemi-neechan…
Why did she have to die…DAMMIT!
I love her so much! Why did she have to leave me…?
I always thought this way…
But then I realized…
We must not mourn for the death of our loved one, instead, we must rejoice for at some point of our lives, we were given a chance to be with them… even just for a while… Therefore we are blessed, for even if they died, we… at some point of our lives in the past, were together with them… And we must also think that she is now happy up there… watching over you… so we must be happy because that loved one is already at peace…
And that's when I realized…
My sister isn't dead…
No, she isn't…
Only her corporal body decayed… but, that is all…
But she is still alive spiritually, and that is what's more important…
She is not yet gone…
My sister isn't dead… I refuse to believe…
She is well and alive…
In the memories she left me with…
In the pictures we took together…
And most importantly, she is alive…
Alive in my heart…
I smiled, looking out the window, as a faint figment of Akemi-neechan's silhouette appeared before my eyes…
See… She isn't dead…
I can still see her now…
I now looked out the window again and saw Ran-chan walking with Sonoko outside the street.
Ah…
Then lastly, there is Ran…
First, you were my rival… I was jealous… I hated her a little… But now, everything changed…
You are my friend… Ran…
I hope someday, we can be true friends… when you find out the truth…
Ran is the most sensitive girl I ever knew… aside from my neechan of course…
She is like a bright ray of sunshine…
But I know she is hurt inside… she misses HIM… it is obvious…
And seeing Ran hurt makes me sad, and that is why I would create temporary antidotes to Kudo so that she will be happy again…
So that I can see her smile once more…
At first I was selfish…
However…
When I was sick…
She was there…
Cooking miso soup for me… itsumo (all the time)
When I was almost shot by Vermouth…
She lunged over me and covered me with her body…
Yes… I remember now… she …she… her intention was to protect me…
She was THERE…
She has such a good heart… no wonder Shinichi fell for her…
Whenever vermouth would harm me…
She would always appear from nowhere and save me… She'd risk her life to save me…
And for that, I will selflessly give Kudo back to her with no complain…
For a kind sweet girl like you deserves Shinichi and Shinichi deserves no other girl but you…
Most importantly, Ran…
Even if you are younger than me… you still remind me of my elder sister… my Akemi-neechan…
I love you…
I love you Ran… thank you for all the times that you saved me… even if you don't know the whole truth…
Ran-san…
I smiled after my very long musings. Now, reality pulled me back again and I looked around carefully at the classroom.
No one was there.
Everyone was outside playing.
"Eh?" I expressed a tad bit shocked.
Suddenly, I felt a warm hand grasp my shoulder, I turned my head.
It was Kudo.
"Kudo, why is no one in class?" I asked.
"Man, you're REALLY spacing out, aren't you? It's recess. The class left the room five minutes ago while I was fixing my books for the next class. Didn't you notice? I was waving my hand in front of your face and you didn't even blink. You seemed to look far away. You were really deep in thought a while ago, but, you seemed amused and happy… What's going on…?" Conan asked me worriedly.
I smirked. "I just figured out something." I told him vaguely, standing up, headed for the door.
"What?" Conan asked.
"You're really dense, aren't you, Kudo?" I told him, making him pissed.
He frowned at me. "What?!"
"Isn't it you were telling me a while ago that I'm not alone?" I reminded him.
"Oh, yeah…" Conan nodded, remembering what he said earlier.
"I now know." I smiled, walking right pass him.
"Huh?" He turned around to face my back on him.
Without looking, I told him while hiding an unusually huge smile under my bangs.
Translation: "I was never alone and never will be. Now I finally understand."
"Atashi wa itsumo hitori janai. Atashi wa wakata na…"
Conan smirked.
"Yokatta na…"
Translation: "I'm glad."
I smiled and walked out of the door to join the rest of the three kids at the playground.
A huge smile appeared on Conan's face… I saw him through the mirror that was facing me.
I heard him say, "You finally understand, Haibara. You are not alone…"
Reading what his lips said, I smiled as well, but I'm pretty sure he didn't see me do so.
"Yes, I understand Kudo…" I whispered. "I've thought it through.
I kept the last line to myself while continuing to smile brightly.
My dull atmosphere was no more.
…For I never was alone after all…
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Time Started: 4:30pm Thursday September 11, 2008
Time Done: 11:30 pm Wednesday September 17, 2008