A Lack of Character
By Rob Morris
EARLY 1999, IN AND AROUND THE WIZARDING COMMUNITY OF GREAT BRITAIN
The advocate sighed as he looked at the list, a necessary component to any valid trial, even when the accused was nearly certain to get every maximum thrown at them when sentencing came. He turned to his assistant.
"How many wizards and witches about in all the land?"
The assistant shrugged.
"Count was about three thousand, last I heard, give or take for the war."
The advocate again looked at the size, depth and length of his list.
"Calling bollocks on that one."
They began to whittle it down.
BERTRAND CRACKNELL, SQUIB (BIRTH NAME UMBRIDGE)
"Did you know she sent Snatchers after me, Just to be certain? Yes, I know who they were. Not all magical folk are like my Da and Sissy. Some hid here, and I welcomed them. Not just for justice – but because I knew it made my sister's life harder!"
ELLEN CRACKNELL, MUGGLE (FORMERLY CRACKNELL-UMBRIDGE)
"At least tell me she's finally stopped doing that phony throat-clearing of hers? Oh, Lord. At least Voldemort acknowledged his Muggle parent, even if it was by way of murder. How? Well, dear, ask at the Prophet. For some reason, they never cancelled my subscription. I can still read the words, anyway."
ORFORD UMBRIDGE, WIZARD
"You fine gentleman must be mistaken. A high official like Dolores Umbridge could never possibly be related to a lowly retired—enforced retired—janitor such as myself. Look—do you see any Father's Day cards—or anything? So obviously, we are not related, and you are here in error. Good day, sirs."
PAULINIA XERXES, MINISTRY EMPLOYEE
"Oh, my, Yes. Dolores did rise rapidly through the ranks. In fact, we there have a small club where we meet and compare the marks on our backs she left as she stepped up. I'd suggest having her subjected to the Kiss, but you have to have a soul for that to work, don't you? Plus, there's always the danger she might enjoy it."
HORACE SLUGHORN, POTIONS MASTER, SLYTHERIN HEAD OF HOUSE, HOGWARTS
"A character witness? My good sir, Thomas Riddle Junior was a mass murdering ethno-bigot with islands of dark genius within a maelstrom of narcissism, ego and self-entitled whining all based on parental issues from two families that seemed to merge the worst of both Muggle and Wizard. He tricked me into handing him actionable information on processes best never known of, let alone described and unthinkable to ever enact, which he did multiple times. He robbed and murdered from people I knew with an ease that I'm told frighted the Bloody Baron. And—I liked him on his worst day better than I ever liked Dolores Umbridge, which is to say not at all."
So on it went, and it indeed seemed the entire Wizarding world and beyond had sharp opinions of the accused criminal. Advocate and assistant looked at the last name.
"She cannot be serious. This is insane. If anyone…"
"Sir, we must show the judges that we made every effort to find her the witnesses she requested.
"Yes-we must. Well, perhaps he'll be reasonable."
HAROLD JAMES POTTER, AUROR, HOGWARTS SAFETY & INSPECTION SUBSTATION
"A CHARACTER WITNESS TO TESTIFY AS TO HER FIRMNESS OF HAND AND EVEN DISTRIBUTION OF DISCIPLINE? IS THIS A DODGE TO GET HER OUT OF AZKABAN AND INTO ST. MUNGO'S? BECAUSE TO ASK THIS OF ME, SHE MUST BE PAST MENTAL, AND FAR FAR OUT OF HER TINY LITTLE MIND! YOU TELL THAT TOAD THE ONLY TESTIMONY I WILL PROVIDE HER IS TO RECOMMEND THAT SHE ROOM WITH MY 'AUNT' MARGE DURSLEY, BECAUSE I CANNOT CONCEIVE OF TWO PEOPLE THAT DESERVE EACH OTHER'S COMPANY MORE THAN THEY!"
LATER, AFTER MADAME POMFREY'S PATENTED HEARING RESTORATION FORMULAS
The Assistant nodded.
"To be fair, he took it better than I thought. His solution wouldn't work, though. I helped obliviate Miss Dursley, and she's a dog person. Miss Umbridge is about cats."
The Advocate shook his head.
"We made an honest, thorough effort. Is there no one anywhere who can provide a character witness testimony, so we can get the formal trial underway?"
The Assistant started a suggestion.
"Sir, there is the volunteer. Distasteful as he may be…"
His boss cut him off cleanly.
"I've told you before. He's out. Ministry wants her in Azkaban. If Argus Filch testifies on her behalf, they'll bring back burning at the stake!"