Title: Paramnesia
Pairings: Sephiroth/Zack centric, Zack + Cloud on the side
Rating: PG-13 to R (eventually)
Author's Note: After playing Crisis Core, I became inspired to write a fic to explore an alternate ending possibility the Lifestream makes plausible. This story will contain multiple chapters. I haven't decided how long this will be, but going with the flow of things. I hope you all will enjoy this story. :)
Disclaimer: Characters and settings belong to Square-Enix.
The screams of the planet echoed in the pitch-black darkness as cries of sorrow and hate eclipsed around a drifting figure. Maniacal laughter with no discernible source echoed throughout the empty space with invisible eyes watching the once great general that had claimed the title of God - the fallen god Sephiroth.
He remained trapped in the Negative Lifestream - found himself again facing the same entity that had sought to destroy life on Gaia, casting its overpowering shadow upon him. It bore over him in the one place he had believed to reign, playing his failures over and over to him - offering only torment and rejection for a mission never completed. It made sure to wrap those debilitating, intangible memories around him, smothering his very soul. An eternity of the past repeating itself.
But the 'One Winged-Angel' had faded - had been stripped of even hate. All that remained were lifeless, empty eyes forced to witness the recurring, taunting playbacks of himself as a man, a soldier, a god. His inadequacies were showcased, coursing through his shattered mind, futilely attempting to close his eyes and block it out.
He was tired, weary of this darkness - a final judgement he had passed unto himself.
'I...' Sephiroth thought as his head tilted back, feeling a dark tendril wrapping around his neck, tightening its grip. Cracked lips twitched as he felt the last bit of his free will slipping away. 'I'm... tired.'
Finally, and without fanfare, the Great Sephiroth admitted defeat. A faint, raspy, dry chuckle passed his cracked lips. He felt strangely at peace with himself. An odd yet satisfying feeling that slowly coursed through his body. Finally, a heaven within the stranglehold of hell. And Sephiroth held onto that defeat with solace, awaiting his death.
The very thing he had sought to destroy now offered his guillotine. But as the tendril around his neck grew tighter, Sephiroth felt a queer yet welcomed warmth upon his forehead.
"You..." Sephiroth whispered hoarsely, speaking into the darkness. The presence of the hand slipped away, brushing a strand of silver away from his pale angular face. Goosebumps prickled over his skin as the warmth began to surround his body, creating a soft green glow.
His cat-like eyes widened in the darkness, suddenly staring back at the black mass that formed his own dark reflection. Its lips curled in a smirk, teeth bared like a starving wild animal. Aqua tinted eyes bore into his own, hypnotizing him briefly as claw-like hands raked across Sephiroth's chest, leaving scorching marks behind.
Sephiroth heard his own seething cry echo in his ears, the abomination of his creation refusing to let him go. He arched in pain, clutching his fingers tightly in the palms of his hands. Laughter, unlike he had ever heard before, shrilled in excitement and anger. But that green light seeped from the pit of darkness, casting brilliant rays that penetrated over, and into, the monster. This particular light Sephiroth knew all too well - Holy.
The powerful light began to take hold of every shadow that plagued the ex-general, banishing it into a never-ending abyss. Howls of torment and agonized screeching resounded as his personal hell was slowly obliterated - unaware some of the anguished sounds ripped from his own mouth as even the most corrupted parts of him were cleansed.
His hatred for the world spiraled away from his once chilled heart, his painful life memories shattered and abandoned in an instant. And gradually everything faded into a white glow, a luminous halo forming around him. His tattered black wing stood in stark contrast, but the dark feathers began dropping one by one. And once again the gentle touch of a woman's delicate hand fell upon his forehead, a voice as soothing as the touch calling out to him.
Sephiroth, for once, did not fight the warmth. The tender, maternal gesture was something he had longed for as a child, convincing him no wound would be left unattended. But before Sephiroth could speak to the woman, the white light pulsed brightly and enveloped him entirely.
"Sleep," the gentle voice commanded as Sephiroth leaned further into the touch, nodding in surrender. After the endless battles and hate, the regret and confusion, Sephiroth finally accepted peace within himself. A peace he thought long forgotten after Jenova took hold. He clung to it, feeling his long-absent humanity return piece by piece.
A single tear rolled down his cheek as he curled into a fetal position, accepting wherever the light would guide him.
A soft breeze stirred Sephiroth from his light slumber, the mild heat of a bright sun a kiss upon his pale skin. His eyes fluttered open, expression one of confusion as his vision came to focus on rich green blades of grass peppered generously with bright amber flowers, dancing in a light breeze. He sat up slowly, taking in the ethereal view of his new location. The flowers spread to the horizon, the sun beaming high in a clear blue sky. It felt absolutely foreign, heart an uncertain flutter facing fresh beauty instead of heavy blackness.
Wisps of silver hair swayed gently in the wind as Sephiroth stood, scanning the area. Yellow petals danced through the air as the ex-general reached out, catching one in his hand. He gazed at it, fingers lifted just enough to watch the petal suddenly blossom into a radiant light that dispersed through his fingers. He could feel a small smile grow upon his lips, even as his eyes were drawn to a figure in the distance. His brows furrowed uncertainly as he walked carefully through the seemingly endless garden. And as he approached the figure, his heart stopped in his chest.
Black, spiked hair fell unevenly between broad shoulders, muscular arms bespeaking the power and courage within the figure before him. The black uniform of First Class would never be mistaken. He waited, breath held, as the man slowly turned around to face Sephiroth, bright mako-infused eyes staring back into his own.
"Long time no see."
Sephiroth's gaze softened as he was greeted nonchalantly by the other.
"Zack."
Zack placed his hands on his hips, walking a few slow steps away from the taller man, tilting his head up and looking into the sky.
"Never thought in a million years you'd end up here," Zack said. He stared into the distance as he seemed to stiffly roll his shoulders back, bowing his head. Sephiroth felt Zack's tension but stepped forward, halted mid-step as a hand was abruptly raised in response to cease the advance. But it slowly dropped back down, Zack casting a glance over his shoulder.
"Aerith granted you solitude. She saw the repentance in your heart and took you out of your hell. Now here, in this tiny corner, is your personal sectioned area. This part of the Lifestream is cut off from the rest of the planet. Aerith forgives, but she's careful."
Zack's words were sharp, direct, as he turned away once more, eyes focusing on a flower before he continued.
"She wanted to greet you herself, but I insisted on coming. Seeing is believing, right?" Zack said softly, idly swinging his arms at his sides. "You were asleep for a long time. I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up."
Sephiroth watched his old comrade as the words sank in, bittersweet. But he had expected this - that he would have to face those he had wronged - that he would have to atone. But he had gratefully accepted that responsibility when he had accepted Aerith's rebirth.
"I am thankful, for even this secluded place," Sephiroth replied, weathered leather softly creaking as he folded his arms over his partially exposed chest. "I'd prefer silence."
"Yeah, well," Zack said, "It shouldn't have to be this way. But we weren't exactly left with much choice."
Sephiroth hadn't fully anticipated the harsh words that fell from Zack's lips, but he understood the depth of the wound inflicted. A wound that ran deep, and remained open no matter the balms applied. Another tragedy left in his wake.
"Zack... I can't undo what has been done, but I will do everything possible to set things right. To one day earn your forgiveness, for the last person who has truly known me. Tried to understand me," Sephiroth said, remorse thick in his voice. But he was met with a bitter, dry laugh. Zack was shaking his head.
"Yeah. Good thing time is endless, huh?" Zack replied, feeling his heart well up, biting the inside of his cheeks. "I just wish it had meant as much to you then as it does now."
"And so you know," Zack paused, blinking out the moisture stinging at his eyes. "Sorry isn't going to cut it this round. If you only knew... If you only knew the true devastation you caused. When everything was gone, it wasn't enough. You created even more to be destroyed. I still can't wrap my head around it, can't figure it out. You were strength, you were hope... you were a hero. For more than just me. I'd always hoped we could stand side by side, that I could earn my place beside you - above you. And you..." Zack trailed off, wiping stray tears from his face with the back of his gloved hand in quick swipes. "I trusted you. And that trust... I can't make any promises, Sephiroth. The planet still struggles to tend the wounds caused by your calamity."
Zack turned on his heel, staring into Sephiroth's eyes, smiling dejectedly. A broken vision of the most compassionate human being Sephiroth had ever met. "Even now, you're all right to be alone in death - alone in darkness and in light. All I want... all I want, after everything you've done, is to see you try to be the man you were. The man I respected, and who had earned the respect of those who even hated you."
Sephiroth listened quietly, thoughtfully, feeling a powerful stirring in him at the realization Zack had taken every beating he had doled out and still believed in him. The one who had stood beside him even when he believed the only friends he had in the world were lost forever. Zack had seen him through the worst, and he had never realized it. Never thought about it. And he stood before him now, a casualty, making him face the truth and push him through. Sephiroth let out a heavy sigh, tearing his gaze away from Zack, reigning in emotion by focusing on the petals rolling through the wind.
"Zack," Sephiroth called to him, a soft request in his name as he slowly began to walk toward the other man. "Thanks to you, I can foolishly admit I believed my ideals were absolute. That I succumbed to the half-truths regarding Jenova when it felt I'd lost control, began to lose everything important one by one and powerless to change it."
Sephiroth stopped just a few feet from Zack, looking down at his own battle scarred hands.
"I followed the voice of Jenova blindly, unaware I was losing my own will... And I gave up when I lost what was important to me. I had been betrayed, used. Death was the only absolute," Sephiroth said, shaking his head softly, bangs brushing against his cheeks. "That day, in Nibelheim, I didn't want to believe it. But I knew, in my heart, it was true. And it was over. Everything crumbled."
Zack glanced at him, eyes flashing with a mix of anger and empathy, though he quickly looked away. Silence followed, a mutual digestion of what had been, of the truths they both had to face. His brows furrowed deeply as he clenched his teeth. Resentment and the yearning to forgive warred into a stalemate. And again they were lost to silence. It felt heavier than the blackness ever had. Sephiroth had to stop the walls threatening to build between them.
"Fate is cruel. I couldn't stop the cells within me from calling out to Jenova. When I was at my most vulnerable, she took hold... called me her 'son'. She knew I'd longed for a mother. For new and better memories to replace the old. I wanted to believe the world was truly corrupted, pointless. From birth, my world was ruled by lies and elaborations. Death was the only clarity."
Sephiroth's words carried a weight they both innately felt, though Zack was the first to display it as he dropped to sit on the ground, resting his forearms over lifted knees. Too much sorrow, radiating unending from them both. Zack wanted to part with it, knew he had come here for closure, finding only more unanswered questions and feelings. He opened his mouth to speak, but never uttered a word. Instead he waited, allowing Sephiroth to continue. And after several moments, he did.
"It all seems trivial now. Misplaced emotion and loyalties. However, I feel I owe you the truth from that day. The night before I turned the town to flames, I had blacked out from exhaustion. The blood of Jenova coursed through my body, burning with hate. It was then my body seemed to move of its own volition, answering Jenova's call. I remember staring at my reflection through a broken mirror on the floor. I saw the last of my humanity perish. And I became hers. I gave in. All the hate I held over the years flourished and washed over me before I knew it. I swore the planet would feel my wrath. That I would deprive those on it what had been stripped from me. Jenova fueled me. Filled me with lies about the Promised Land. A falsity of guaranteed happiness."
"... were you ever happy?" Zack questioned, finally looking at Sephiroth.
Sephiroth kneeled down beside him, an arm's length away. "At times, I can say that I was."
Zack nodded, beginning to feel more at ease in Sephiroth's presence. Wanting more to understand instead of exact another useless revenge. It was easier for him to remember Sephiroth the man, not the monster, though the horrific images would never truly be erased. None could purge such devastation.
And this time, the silence between them was almost serene. But Zack was restless, unconsciously waving his hand back and forth through the blades of grass, stopping every once in awhile to touch a flower. Sephiroth was certain the younger man was at a loss. His nature had always been forthright and optimistic - the very attributes that had earned his trust and made him smile when confronted with them firsthand during Zack's training days. And though Zack would be weary, he knew their relationship would somehow remain intact. He prayed it would. He watched from the corner of his eye as Zack scratched the back of his head, letting out a weighted sigh.
"All I can think of is Genesis. Believing everything was already pre-written. That you and Angeal would fulfill your roles," Zack said, voice low and thoughtful. "And everything played out, just like it. But the whole time Shinra and Jenova pulled the strings."
"All for a far-fetched dream that was beyond achievable," Sephiroth agreed. Their eyes met again, and both broke into more natural but somewhat barren smiles. Something familiar, welcome, and painfully missed - terrifying to face again. Zack leaned back then, hands behind his head as a makeshift pillow as he lay back to stare into the endless blue above them.
And for the first time in a long time, they enjoyed the company of the other. The everyday memories returning in comfortable feelings, tension gradually beginning to ease.
"You know," Zack began, "I always wondered, if just one thing had happened differently, if it would have been possible to change things back then." Zack sighed heavily, sitting up again. He turned a serious and sincere gaze to Sephiroth. "Sometimes I think I'd do anything to change the past..."
Sephiroth shared the sentiment, looking away thoughtfully to the serene blue spreading far beyond them.
"Premonition isn't something we're supposed to have. However... humans do experience something similar. I didn't give it much thought until now," Sephiroth said.
"They do? What do you mean? Even as SOLDIER it's not like anyone knew how to predict the future."
"No, there is something, though it's so unreliable it's probably never been seriously considered." Sephiroth nearly chuckled at the inquisitive and doubting eyes that met his, continuing his thoughts before Zack got too impatient. "Are you familiar with the term deja vu?"
"Sure. What about it?" Zack replied, transfixing his gaze upon the other.
"Deja vu can be argued both scientifically and spiritually. Though, science can't exactly explain how the phenomenon works. They claim its a glitch in the brain linked with psychological disorders. Spiritually, however, deja vu is claimed to be a premonition of what's to come. Something like a sixth sense, as when the familiarity of an area is such you could have sworn you'd been there before even when you know you never had."
Zack raised a brow but didn't interrupt.
"I'm more apt to agree with it in a 'spiritual' sense, however. Take the Lifestream, for instance. It's filled with memories moving up and down the flow of time itself. Forever bonding with the planet. Deja vu makes more sense when compared to memories moving through time. Past, present, and future. The memory will always come back to you, silently guiding your choices. Good or bad, the feelings would be there. The question always leads to whether or not to take the subtle warning or blessing."
"So what exactly are you getting at?" Zack asked, tilting his head in confusion at Sephiroth's words.
"I'm saying, your memories can change the future, Zack. To give your 'past self' a warning to propel another unforeseen path. There are many things written in stone, but they can be overwritten by a single action. Time does not apply to the Lifestream."
"There's no way it could be that easy," Zack replied with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"It may sound impossible, but look where we are. After death... is this what you expected...?" Sephiroth asked, closing his eyes and letting the breeze fill the distance between them. "But you also cannot deny that feeling when we arrived in Nibelheim - that something was about to transpire. I saw the uncertainty in your eyes as we scouted the village. It kept everyone ill at ease."
Zack's eyes fell onto his lap, vividly remembering the odd emotion that swept over him when he gazed upon the manor for the first time. He hadn't lingered on it after receiving that strangely timed call from Aerith...
"Even if it's true, isn't that going to disrupt the flow of life and events? Wouldn't we seem more like ghosts trying to communicate out there? What if we make things worse?" Zack fidgeted slightly, deep in thought, as if searching for a way to assure himself such a thing could even be possible.
Sephiroth raised his hand slowly, placing it on Zack's shoulder. He gripped it tightly, giving him that familiar reassurance, leaning close.
"I stole life. Terrorized thousands. I even deepened the wound further with the Ancient. There are no guarantees in such a venture, but I feel the possibilities shouldn't be ignored."
Zack bowed his head, shaking it again. "Sephiroth, I-" Zack was caught by surprise as he felt a hand cup his cheek, staring back into the aqua depths.
"I promise, Zack. I will never lead you into death ever again," Sephiroth said, brushing his thumb over the cross-shaped scar on Zack's cheek. Zack's heart fluttered in surprise, stomach flipping and nearly making him queasy. Nerves getting the best of him, Zack pulled away from the touch, standing up quickly. He turned his back to Sephiroth, inhaling deeply. His hands had clenched into fists, slowly releasing as he reached up to touch his chest.
A second chance.
The bizarre and seemingly dangerous idea was sure to backfire somewhere down the road. Even if he did prevent the occurrences of the past, what would happen from there? Would his 'past self' even listen to his gut feeling? There were too many indeterminable routes, with no clear cut conclusion. But...
Zack touched his cheek, Sephiroth's touch still tingling on his skin, remembering how he'd once wondered what they would feel like upon him. Silly, embarrassing, and perhaps a questionable curiosity he tried hard to crush. But he remembered too fully now. Lips quivering with uncertainty, Zack turned back around, though he was unable to meet Sephiroth's gaze.
"I need some time to think about this," Zack whispered. "It would be impossible to stop Shinra, to stop Genesis, but... if I draw my memories into the Lifestream and make my past self change even one problem from back then, it's something to think about. But if this doesn't work and nothing is changed... I guess we'll have to accept we were meant to die for this."
Sephiroth didn't move, staring into the distance. He knew only Zack could do this, though it unnerved him to put the bulk of expectation upon him. He was simply the purest, driven soul among them.
"Your soul will listen," Sephiroth said, giving Zack a small smile. "You never ignored your gut feelings, nor what you believed to be true. You believed in all of us until the very end. You'll have to make us believe in you from back then. I know you can."
Zack's eyes softened at his words, distracted by the gentle appreciation in Sephiroth's voice, turning his gaze to the sky.
"The next time I see you, Sephiroth, I'll have my decision," Zack said, letting his feet shift across the ground, walking away from the other. The very thought of changing the past in the slightest made him uneasy. But at the same time, he wanted to believe in it. He couldn't make this decision alone. Blue mako eyes filled with apprehensiveness, Zack wandered back to the only two people he could trust at this moment - Aerith and Angeal.
To Be Continued...
Author's Note: I'm planning out the next chapter as we speak and hopefully it will be uploaded by next weekend.