A Smile That Explodes, a host fanfic

Disclaimer: The Host belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

A/N: I wrote this a while ago for a challenge in the Host livejournal community and now that that's over, I decided to post it here. It's named after the song by Joseph Arthur. Please read and review!

A Smile That Explodes

They always said that it would begin with the end. She hadn't expected the end to break her heart.

She was running away from two shadows that moved silently in between the trees behind her. The Seekers. The word filled her with an overwhelming fear. Her heart was beating fast, pumping adrenaline through her veins, and she was starting to have trouble breathing. It was dark out, maybe the middle of the night although time had started to mean little now, and she couldn't see where she was going. All she knew was that she had to get away from the people behind her. She could see the beams of their flashlights as they got closer.

But it was too dark and there were so many things on the forest floor that she couldn't see. She was trying to be careful but she kept stumbling over tree roots and mounds of dirt. And she knew that she couldn't lead them back to the campsite, no matter what. She had to keep Kyle and Ian safe, even if it meant sacrificing herself.

Kyle… She could see him so clearly in her head. Dark hair contrasting with pale skin, deep blue eyes that made her legs feel like jelly and a crooked nose that looked like it had been broken one too many times. She could remember the way his smile had lit up his face earlier that day when he was horsing around with Ian. He didn't smile often enough now. The thought of it gave her an extra burst of speed and soon she was running faster than she had ever thought she could. She felt like her lungs would burst and her legs would give out at any second. Then her foot got caught in something and she went down hard. She held her hand out to break her fall and she could hear the snap as her wrist bent at the wrong angle. There was a sharp, shooting pain in her ankle and she knew that she couldn't run anymore.

She wouldn't make it back to him. The thought filled her with despair, the kind that felt like it was going to crush her underneath its weight. She could only hope that they wouldn't wait around for her, that they'd realize that she had been captured and they'd have to move before the parasite they put in her brain would give them away.

Then someone shined a light on her face while another one pointed a gun at her. "Are you hurt?" the first seeker asked. She would not answer them.

The one with the gun didn't seem to care if she was injured. "Are you alone?" he asked urgently. She heard the click of the gun as he turned the safety off. She knew he wouldn't shoot her, even though she would have welcomed death at that point. "Are you alone?!"

She nodded. She would do anything to keep them away from the family that had replaced her own. So yes, she was alone. She could handle being alone for the rest of her too short life.

When she came to, she found herself searching the hospital room for that strange combination of fair skin and black hair. She couldn't see him and that filled her with a deep sadness. These emotions were so strong… she was having trouble getting a hold on them. "Hello Sunlight Passing Through The Ice," a kind voice said.

It took her a minute to find her voice. What did he call her? Her name was Jodi. No, that wasn't right. Jodi had been her name, but she was not Jodi anymore. "What?" she said, her voice sounded hoarse.

"Sunlight Passing Through The Ice, that is the earthly translation of your name with the bears," he said, smiling at her. "How are you feeling?"

Physically, she was fine. Inside, she felt like she was dying. She ignored his question and asked, "Where's Kyle?"

"Kyle?" a different voice asked. She turned and saw that it was one of the seekers from her memory, the one with the gun. "Who's Kyle?"

"She was traveling with him," she said.

The Seeker scowled. She had never seen an expression like that on a soul's face before. The rumors about the seekers on this planet must be true then. "She said she was alone."

"She lied," she said simply. So Kyle had gotten away. This made her feel better and worse at the same time. She wanted him to be found but her body – Jodi – didn't and somehow she knew that Jodi would get what she wanted. Even still, her body ached for him in the worst possible way. She needed him. She would give up the information that Jodi had sacrificed herself for just so she could see him. "They were camping out a couple miles from where you found her. And they were with someone else." She searched her memory for the name of the other dark-haired man that had been with them. He looked so much like Kyle, only younger and with a straighter nose. "Ian. Kyle's brother. They had been traveling together since they learned of the invasion."

"Do you remember where this campsite was?" the Seeker asked.

"By a river," she said. "No, it was more like a stream, really. The tent was set up about ten minutes west of it. You have to find him!"

The seeker wasn't listening to her anymore. As soon as she had given up Kyle's location, he was out the door. And even though she wanted him to be found, it felt like her heart was closing in on itself.

"Very good, Sunlight Passing Through The Ice," the healer said, smiling kindly at her as he sat down in the chair by her bed. "Can you remember anything else?" But she didn't want to remember anymore, not if it would fill her with more of this endless pain.

Once she was out of the healing facility, she moved in with the soul that had been inserted into Jodi's mother in Las Vegas. She could remember other things now, like the sorrow Jodi had felt when she found out that her mother had been taken and the way it felt to be on the run like some kind of fugitive. And then there were some things that she wished she couldn't remember, like the way Kyle used to kiss her, so soft and gentle and laced with something that she had never felt before, and the way his touch used to set her skin on fire. Those were things she wanted more than anything to forget, since she would never be able to experience them first-hand. Because they hadn't found Kyle yet and she was beginning to doubt that they ever would. She didn't know how she could love someone she had never met and yet, she knew that if given the chance she would follow him anywhere, give him anything. She mourned his absence every night, usually after waking up from another dream filled with his scent and his smile. And whenever she closed her eyes, all she could see was the deep sapphire blue of his eyes.