After the Horror
Summary: Amanda said she was "okay" because Amanda is always okay. Right? She is strong and defiant - at least that's what everyone thinks - but when she loses grip after the standoff with Holden, who will be there to save her from herself…? Post "Holden's Manifesto" - Nick x Amanda – Rollaro
Disclaimer: I don't own shit…well played, Dick Wolf, well played…
Note: I meant to have this up on Wednesday because of the Rollaro-less episode, but then I found out there's no SVU this upcoming Wednesday and life got in the way…so here it is! I hated the way "Holden's Manifesto" was left off, I know the show can't go too far into personal lives because of obvious time restraints, but basically I just needed the episode to end in a nice little bow as far as Rollaro went…and it didn't. So, I made my own version of how I imagined, and would have wanted, the episode to end. I hope my fellow Rollaro shippers enjoy!
After the Horror
Amanda had only been out of there for a matter of minutes, but the scene had replayed in her head too many times to count.
A continuous replay…a never ending cycle.
The way her looked at her, he was no longer Holden March, the psychopathic teen; he was just Holden: an innocent boy lost in an unstable body. She had broken through to him, a few minutes longer and she would have had him unarmed and in handcuffs, on the way to the psych-ward.
The blood reached her before the sound of the sniper made contact with her ears. The blood…his blood: coating her hair…splattered on her face…stinging her eyes…staining her clothes…assaulting her mouth. It didn't register to her what happened until she heard his body hit the ground and spotted the pool of blood forming around his head.
As soon as it ended, the scene began once again at the beginning…an endless tape.
Despite her first contests, Nick gently draped one arm protectively across Amanda's lower back and his other hand grasped her upper arm as he ushered her out of the school building. Nick and Fin thrust open the double doors leading outside and were met by an unexpected hush that feel upon the crowd of media, frightened school children, family members, and the entire NYPD brigade. The previously bustling group changed pitch as soon as Amanda came into view, their stares in a variety of awe at Amanda's obvious shaken state and bloodied face, for they had not seen what unfolded within the school building as the detectives had. The sight before Nick sent a flare ablaze inside of him; Amanda wasn't a street show, and yet, having witnessed the events on video, not even Dodds and Benson could mask their looks of astonishment at their junior detective's condition.
Until now Amanda had slowly, but surely, walked with her own accord out of the school, but when she was hit with the wide array of people awaiting her arrival, her knees gave way and Nick found himself supporting most of his blonde lovers fragile body.
"Hey, hey" Nick breathed in concern to Amanda, readjusting his grip to help keep her upright.
"I'm okay" Amanda gasped, attempting to get a grip on his cotton clad bicep and her clouded eyes trying to make contact with his brown ones.
This earned an unamused and worried chuckle from Nick, "No, you're not."
Noticing Amanda buckle, Benson snaps out of her daze and rushes over to her three detectives as Dodds followed awkwardly in toe, but upon examining the scene – and the interaction between Nick and Amanda - further, he stops.
"Amaro!" The crowd had since resumed their rumbling murmurs among each other, but still, Dodds firm declaration carried throughout the area. It was not a question as to what he wanted, and at first, Nick decisively ignored his new chief and continued to lead Amanda to an ambulance.
"Nick, go." Benson said defeated and clearly not happy with her new superior. She was aware the entire scenario was currently in need of assembly – and deep down knew – Dodds was in the right, but this team was her family, and right now, one of them was in need of her upmost attention.
"Benson, you too." Closing her eyes and slowly inhaling a deep breath, she provided Amanda with a soothing smile and motioned for Nick to follow her towards their awaiting senior.
Until now, Fin had remained uncharacteristically serious and quiet, but sensing the hesitation from Nick, he spoke up for his partner, "Go ahead, man, I've got 'er."
Fin took the initiative and began moving in to take Amanda's weight onto him. With one last nudge from Liv, Nick reluctantly helped Amanda ease her weight onto her partner and gave her arm one last gentle squeeze of reassurance. His attempt at comfort from Amanda going unreturned, Fin provided the assuring nod Nick was hoping for from his secret blonde lover. He had already abandoned her once this evening, and now that she was relatively safe and back in his presence, letting her go again seemed unbearable.
Dazed and confused, Amanda's heavy eyes looked straight ahead, not daring to take in the scene around her. Fins led his partner to the nearest ambulance, and, expecting her to put up a fight in denial of medical care, he motioned over for a paramedic to help assist Amanda into the rig. However, the reluctance from his stubborn partner never came. She was unresponsive…nothing more than a sleep walker…no sense of direction, time or place, Amanda was just there.
Seated on the stretcher in back of the ambulance, Amanda vaguely heard the exchange between Fin and the paramedic. In the enclosed vehicle, with her hand in tucked away in her lap, Amanda finally lifted her head and studied the various medical machines within the rig, trying to focus her attention on anything other than the looped tape inside her head, Fin's recalling of the recent trauma, or the loneliness in her heart.
She pushed him away - never would she regret practically forcing Nick from the school room during the standoff between her and Holden - but when he came in after the shooting, her shock turned to a burning frustration that she directed onto Nick.
Amanda was pulled out of her trance when Fin gently patted her knee and gave her one of his signature grins. He was clearly worried about his partner; Amanda was a bold and daring detective, one of the many things he loved most about her…never had she been so un-defiant and timid. Still in an uncustomary perplexed state, Amanda did not return his comforting smile, but their first eye-to-eye contact since the shooting was enough for Fin.
"I'll be right outside," Fin whispered before giving her one last rub on the leg, a slight nod of understanding from Amanda and he stepped outside of rig doors so the paramedic could enter in his place.
Amanda's chest tightened once again as Fin was no longer in her line of sight and her thoughts drifted to Nick once again. The way he looked at her, the deep care and hurt in his eyes, he hurt for her. Seeing Amanda splattered with blood and shook to the core only added to Nick's own despair. He only wanted to help her, comfort her, and take her out of harm's way before Amanda was caused any more pain than she was already inflicted. But, per usual, Amanda pushed away everyone who tried to shield her. She wasn't the type that needed to be "sheltered" from the corruptness of this world, but she had so far yet to realize that having someone to watch over, and truly care for her, didn't mean she was weak, it meant she was human.
"What in the hell was that?" Dodds demanded once Nick was impatiently standing before him.
"Excuse me?" Nick raged, walking dangerously closer to his new boss; Benson came up just then and placed her hand on Nick's chest, sensing impending trouble just below the surface.
It wasn't oblivious to Liv, or the rest of the NYPD for that matter, that Nick had recently grown protective over the blonde detective. Ever since Amanda's affair with her GA mentor, Nick had formed a soft spot for his former opponent. Liv chalked it up to a deeper understanding that had shaped between the two; Nick was no stranger to difficult relationships and therefore was more sensitive to the fact Nate was using his co-worker. Nick was the first one to see beyond Amanda's calm demeanor and notice Nate's underlying deceit. Following their blow up in the bunks and the unfortunate way Amanda had to the learn the truth, Nick and Amanda's relationship remained icy until they found that, despite their differing approaches and opinions, the two both strived for the same outcome and worked well together.
Benson caught glimpses of their lingering looks and smiles, but rather that being a hypocrite, chose to look the other way and decide the glances were an unspoken language between them. Liv didn't think twice about, and honestly, didn't want to…
Nick understood Benson's gesture and took a step back, softened his tensed muscles and took a deep breath; Liv dropped her hand from Nick's chest and took a safe position between the two fuming men.
"Look around you, detective." Dodds gestured to the mass of NYPD in the surrounding area with his hand, "The sniper goes off and you decide it's a good idea to rush in there. You've been on this squad long enough to know the procedure, one wrong move and you could have screwed up the entire investigation. The blonde over there, she was fine. And, not to mention, she had no business disarming herself and yo…"
"Her name is Amanda. Detective Amanda Rollins." Nick interrupted his supervisor, "I've worked with her for three years now, and I've known you for three minutes. If you think for a second that I'm going to choose your word over her life, you're crazier than I thought."
Dodds tried to cut him off there, but Nick put his hand up and continued, "She knew what she was doing… This team is a family; we don't leave each other behind. And abandoning Amanda in that building with an unstable teenage delinquent was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do on this squad. You saw it from the same angle I did, and I know the snipers are professional, but one flinch from them and it could have easily been Rollins that was hit. It was close, too close." Nick tried to calm himself before something slipped and his two superiors became more suspicious than they already were. With a deep inhale Nick spoke again, "So no…I didn't care for protocol at that second, but I'm not going to apologize for worrying about this squad. If you don't agree with the way we do things or take the chance to understand us, maybe you should move on and find another team to…"
"That's enough, Nick" Benson had remained quiet through their quarrel so far, but the last remark from Nick pole vaulted him over the invisible line in the sand. "Take a walk," Liv pointed away from the buzz of people around them, "now."
With a huff of dissatisfaction and a wide variety of things he still wanted to get off his chest, Nick turned on his heal and took long, angry strides away from Dodds and Benson.
"Hey Amaro," Dodds yelled after him, "remember who signed you back onto SVU and keep in mind that there's always traffic cop openings." The hint of satisfaction in his voice only made Nick fume more. As he turned back around to continue exiting the scene; Nick threw a punch at the chain-link fence to his right, making it jingle around him.
The paramedic took out various interments, measuring this and that, writing an array of numbers after each test.
"Put out your arm, please," the young medic requested. With a tug on her sleeve, the woman exposed Amanda's arm and rolled a fabric cuff onto her bicep. The head of her stethoscope was placed on Amanda's arm opposite of her elbow and the cuff was tightened, measuring her blood pressure. This was followed by a variety of examinations that Amanda was unfamiliar to their meaning.
The paramedic seemed to grow alarmed after completing a few more tests, "alright Miss, would you lay down for me?"
Amanda gently laid her head upon the crinkly pillow and stared up at the white rig ceiling above her. The paramedic brought an oxygen mask above Amanda's face and motioned for her to lift her head as the woman stretched the green band behind her head and adjusted the mask over Amanda's mouth. The steamy air filled her lungs, clearing out the staleness in her mouth. A pressured clamp was clasped over Amanda's finger while a small IV was inserted into her wrist vein. With a wrinkle of her eyebrows in confusion, the medic explained to Amanda that, because of some low vitals, the oxygen and IV were simply a precaution until her adrenalin stabilized and body returned to homoeostasis.
"Just rest for a bit, alright?" The paramedic suggested, but Amanda's pulse remained elevated. She wished only for Nick's comforting presence and for an end to come to the tape stuck on reply inside her head.
The sky had begun to darken within the time she had been escorted out of the school building; red, white and blue lights streaked the sky in succession from the NYPD vehicles that clustered around the area. Much of the media and by-standers had since left the scene, leaving only the NYPD investigators buzzing around the school building.
After giving up on the suggested rest, Amanda pulled off the senseless monitoring wires with an exasperated tug and left the uncomfortably firm stretcher; she moved stiffly out of the rig and repositioned herself on the back ambulance stairs, resting her back on one of the open doors.
Once she was assured everything was relatively under control – at least until tomorrow – at the scene, and with Amanda, Benson had gone home to Noah as it was getting to be his bedtime; Liv had made a vow to herself and her little boy that she would always be there to put him to rest each night. To everyone's delight, Dodds departed from the team soon after Benson, leaving only Fin and Nick to finish shutting down the scene before they were to resume their work early the next morning. Prior to being called away by some of the forensic squad, Fin had shared a few teasing remarks with Amanda regarding her "Broadway" worthy performance up in the building.
"All jokes aside, Amanda, you gave us one hell of a scare," Fin's generally calm face altered into a creased glare, "I trust you, one-hundred percent, but disarming yourself and…"
"I know, Fin," Amanda quipped in a whisper, seeming to struggle to speak, "can we talk about this later?"
Fin sighed, "of course, partner. You gunna be alright?"
Amanda nodded slowly; after giving her a gentle rub on the shoulder, Fin shot her a quick wink and followed the criminal staff back into the school building.
Finding her chest to be uncomfortably tight, Amanda reached behind her and brought the oxygen back up to her mouth. Taking the deepest breath her lungs would allow, Amanda rested her head on the ambulance door behind her and closed her heavy eyelids.
Amanda was startled back into conscious by a slight pull around her shoulders. She sat upright, her eyes jerked open and her hand tugged the oxygen away from her face; Amanda immediately went into fight or flight mode.
"Hey, hey, hey" a familiar voice cooed, "it's just me."
Amanda's body went limp once she realized who was calling out to her, "Nick," she sighed in relief.
Nick continued pulling the thick, medical blanket around Amanda's body, her chills clearly visible as the night had cooled the dry, autumn air drastically. Nick gently took the oxygen mask out of Amanda's frail hands and took them in his, rubbing them absentmindedly. Amanda had so far kept her head down, simply enjoying his warm company.
"Where were you?" The blonde whispered softly. Silence hung in the air as Nick looked up from their intertwined hands and focused more closely on her face. He lightly dropped Amanda's palms and brought his fingers up to graze across her face, the blood splatter still present on her light, satin skin. Oblivious to the dry, red liquid that remained, Amanda's eyes fluttered closed and leaned into Nick's loving caress.
"Why haven't they got this off you yet?" Nick questioned with frustration. Confused as to what Nick was talking about, Amanda reached up and touched her cheek; suddenly, she understood, she raked her nails down the skin of her face, then studied the dried crimson flakes that gathered under her fingernails.
A sudden dry sob erupted from her chest in horror, resetting the horrendous tape in her head, never realizing it had stopped in the first place. Nick had reached into the ambulance and grabbed a soft rag, dampening it with the small sink inside.
His deep brown eyes reaching Amanda's blue ones, Nick carefully brought the towel up to her forehead and buffed it down the side of her face, making sure to remove the blood as he went. Nick continued over the blonde's smooth eyelids, through the soft hair on the very edges of her face, across her supple lips, and around her light nose. He focused ample attention on each area, gazing lovingly at Amanda after every smudge of blood was wiped clean, revealing her flawless pale skin.
Silent tears slid endlessly down Amanda's cheeks; never before had a man looked at her with such care and adoration, as if she was the only thing that mattered. Of course, she understood he had Zara and Maria, and they would always come first; but at least for this moment, she could believe Nick cherished her as much as she did him.
But she couldn't lie to herself completely, aside from Nick's caring gesture, Amanda realized Holden looked at her in a similar way. Not so much with admiration, but when she asked him to kiss her, it was like he'd won the lottery and she was his prize, he treasured her. Amanda had gotten through to him…if she said jump, Holden would have asked how high. If she was given only a few seconds more, Holden would have been unarmed and secure.
"There," Nick spoke tenderly, relieved she was no longer covered in Holden's blood. He looked back down on her fidgeting hands and noticed the blood there as well, "here," he took Amanda's palm and rested the rag over it, circling over her hand to polish off the red stain. "Amanda?" Nick questioned, detecting her lack of response.
Amanda placed her free hand over Nick's that was resting on her rag covered one. She lifted her head and looked into his eyes, "They didn't have to shoot him…" a flood of new tears now cascaded down Amanda's cheeks, quickly altering from sobs of guilt into a desperate rage, "he didn't have to die!"
Amanda pulled her hands away and hid her face; not knowing what else to do, Nick wrapped his taught arms around her frail shoulders, holding her tightly. With all the strength she could muster, Amanda fought Nick, trying to break free of his grasp but ended up only throwing weak slaps at his chest. She wasn't mad at Nick – quite the opposite actually - but all the emotion that had built up inside her over the past hour simply took control, causing her to lash out at the one comforting her most…
Nick understood, and rather than defend himself, he let Amanda use him as a punching bag - not that her blows hurt – and when he noticed her energy running out, he gently took her wrists and brought them to his chest and kissing her entangled hands. Without further fight, Amanda slumped over and let the cries rake through her body. Never had he seen Amanda like this, but Nick was happy she trusted him enough to show such a vulnerable side to herself. He was left only to absorb the emotions she was giving out, wishing he could take away the pain she was feeling.
In a feeble sense, Nick could relate to the way his blonde love was feeling. After shooting the unarmed boy in the apartment hall, Nick could hardly look at himself in the mirror. Watching as the innocent boy bled and knowing there was nothing he could do. Although the outcomes differ, he couldn't help but comprehend the helpless feelings Amanda held.
"Shhh, shhh, shhh" Nick cooed, letting go of Amanda's hands and taking her in his arms once again. This time, Amanda welcomed his embrace, wrapping one arm around his torso while burying her face in his neck and grasping his police jacket.
Time passed…seconds, minutes…neither knew nor cared. Amanda's tears had since subsided and she relaxed into Nick's warm arms.
Nick heard it first, but didn't know how to shield Amanda from the impending disgust…
Pictures were snapped, measurements were collected, and samples were gathered; finally, an hour after the initial shot was taken, the CSIs and medical examiners rolled Holden's lifeless body out of the school building. It only took seconds later for Amanda's ear to register the stretcher wheels rolling against the rough, uneven concrete. Her damp, heavy eyes fluttered open without a second thought, revealing the black body bag, outlined with the body inside.
The sharp intake of breathe from Amanda alerted Nick to her witness of the present situation; she squeezed her eyes shut once again and buried her face further into his neck. Nick allowed for Amanda to calm down once again before he gently began to peel her away, sitting her back down on the rig stair and tilting her chin up to look at him.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but it's important you understand." Nick spoke softly, wanting to keep Amanda's attention as long as possible, "You were unarmed and Holden was coming towards yo…"
"I told him, too! I asked him to kiss me!" Amanda retaliated, her voice stronger than Nick expected.
Nick knew he had to stay composed to get through to her, so after taking a deep breath, he continued, "You had to know no one – including myself – was going to let him touch you, Amanda." Not sensing her to object, Nick went on, "Holden was deranged, unstable, psychotic. Although you were able to get him in control – under a trance, if you will – it may have only taken a slight movement to throw him off.
"You weren't going to let him kiss you…you were going to let Holden get close enough, and when he wasn't expecting it, you were going to grab his gun… What if he was one step ahead of you, just like he always seemed to predict our next move during the investigation? Holden could have easily shot you in the lower stomach or leg, and if he was fast enough, the head. Had he shot you through the vest, the proximity could have broken your ribs and caused internal damage…"
Sensing he'd begun to overwhelm her, Nick stopped and kneeled down in front of Amanda, resting his hands on her knees and decided to be as honest with her as possible, "I'm sorry, I got a little carried away…it's just…I…leaving you in that room with him was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do…in that moment, I didn't know if the next time I saw you, you'd be in a hospital bed, body bag, or in my arms." With those last few words, Nick took one of his hands and placed it affectionately on Amanda's chin. "Thank goodness, it's the latter. But the snipers couldn't chance it Amanda, not with your life at stake."
A final tear ran down Amanda's cheek, Nick took his thumb and soothingly wiped it away, never breaking her gaze, "in his last moments, Amanda, you gave Holden the thing he wanted most: understanding…whether you faked it or not, he believed he had finally found someone who would truly listen to him and provide the sympathy he yearned. Holden left in a state of peace, and you gave that, Amanda…"
All Amanda could do was nod; nothing could ever erase the guilt she felt knowing Holden's mother would have to bury her son, and that his memory would forever be tainted with the crimes he committed before his death, but Nick's word gave her a sense of closure and peace-of-mind.
"Let's get you home, m'kay?" Nick suggested, standing up and slowly pulling the blanket off Amanda's shoulders. Noticing the blood spatter present on her pink blouse as well, Nick placed both his hands at the collar of Amanda's shirt and touch the first button, then he looked up to her eyes as to wordlessly ask permission to rid her of the soiled fabric.
With a shy nod, Nick unbuttoned Amanda's blouse and effortlessly slid it off her shoulders, trying his hardest not to send mixed signals at the gesture. Now only in her white lacy, undershirt, Nick discarded his own police jacket and slipped it over Amanda's shoulders.
The medic returned with a clip board in hand and collected Amanda's signature on her medical forms. "Before she disconnected her wires, Miss. Rollins' stats were still a little abnormal, nothing to be too concerned about but just be sure to keep an eye on her," the paramedic's assumption Nick and Amanda were exclusive caused the blonde's eyes to divert from the women in front of her.
"Will do," Nick spoke up without missing a beat, giving the medic a nervous smile.
"Nightmares are probable and expected, especially after witnessing such an event…but I'm sure I'm not telling two detectives anything they don't already know. If you have any sleeping issues or panic attacks, don't hesitate to contact a physician, medications can be easily prescribed to help you through the next couple days." And with that, the medic handed Nick Amanda's forms and began packing up her rig.
As Nick led Amanda to the detective vehicle, they ran into Fin as he exited the school building. "Sup 'Manda? Feelin' any better?"
"A little," Amanda whispered with her first blink-and-you'll-miss -it smile since the shooting. She knew she could count on Fin for almost anything, especially a chuckle at some less than appropriate times.
"I'm going to drive her home," Nick informed Fin, quietly removing his hand from around Amanda's waist to avoid their partner's detection.
"Alright. Are you sure you'll be fine by yourself tonight? You could sta…"
"No, it's okay, Fin. But thank you. Right now, I just need some sleep," Amanda answered a little too quickly; she didn't plan on spending the night alone in her apartment, but Fin didn't need to know that.
"Call me in the morning, okay?" Fin responded, giving Amanda a warm hug and kiss on the top of her head. "And hey, you did great today, no matter what happened."
"Thank you, Fin," Amanda said honestly, and with a brotherly pat on Nick's back, Fin went his separate way.
Amanda closed the door behind her, welcoming in the warm heat of her apartment and Frannie's loving kisses.
"I need a hot shower," Amanda announced hoarsely, turning to Nick. With a small nod and confirming smile, he ran his hand through Amanda's tousled hair.
Half an hour later and Amanda walked out of her steaming bathroom in cotton pajama pants and a Yankees t-shirt, finally feeling free of the grim from the painfully eventful evening.
"You're still here…" Amanda breathed when she sighted Nick on her couch, resting comfortably in front of the TV with Frannie. She didn't know why she responded to his presence in such a way, but just his company erased all of her anxious doubts.
Nick scrunched his eyes in confusion, "of course I am, where else would I be?" With a slight chuckle, he got up, strolled over to Amanda and took her in his arms; but with a second thought, he quickly continued, "I mean, if you'd prefer I'd lea…"
"No! No…I, I'm glad you're still here," Amanda looked up at him, dreading the idea of a night alone. "Actually, will you stay with me tonight?"
Her sincerity made Nick's heart melt, "I'd love to."
After giving Frannie a last pat on the head, Nick followed Amanda into her bedroom and stripped of his dress shirt and trousers, climbing into the soft sheets. Nick laid his head upon the pillow opposite of Amanda's, sure to keep his distance. Her current state of mind was unknown and he didn't want to overstep his boundaries, fearful she would turn him away.
But what Amanda did next surprised him…she propped herself up on one arm to face Nick and slowly scooted over to him. Their interaction had become automatic over the past few months, but in the most wonderful ways. After their first night together, the awkwardness vanished. Nick and Amanda's connection felt completely natural, as if they had been together for months. It actually became more discomforting to hide their relationship at work than it was when they could simply be alone and freely express their affections. It was routine that they met at either house almost every evening, dinner would be eaten in front on the television and the night would eventually end in a tangle of bed sheets. Nick and Amanda were like each other's personal therapy.
As if on cue, Nick brought his hand up to invite Amanda into his arms. She laid her on head on his clothed chest and breathed in his scent of cologne and musk, relaxing into his protective embrace.
"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered so quietly Nick wasn't even sure he heard her right, but before he could question her, she continued, "I'm sorry for back there…at the scene…the way I act…"
"Amanda, stop," Nick quipped exasperatedly; he expected her to hush him and persist but when she didn't Nick got her attention so she would look at him. "Hey, there is nothing for you to be sorry for, nothing, seeing you…like that…emotional, raw, you don't have to be strong for me, Amanda. I'll care for you no matter what; I want to comfort you and make you feel safe…I want to see every side of you…" And with that, Nick leaned in and gave Amanda a chaste kiss. She rested her head back down on his chest and hid her utterly genuine smile in his shirt; wrapping her arm around his toned waist, Amanda pulled him impossibly closer to her. In return, Nick placed a final kiss on the top of her hair and comfortably folded his arms around the woman in his embrace.
The ghastly tape inside Amanda's head had ceased to exist and, although she would forever feel sorrow, she'd begun to accept her actions this past evening…no one could console her the way Nick did, and it was hard to remember how she functioned without him…Nick was everything Amanda had ever wanted or needed, and she was finally starting to realize it.