In the few seconds Razer was being pulled across the stars by the mighty green light, he could not form a thought, not one single thought for all that had just occurred; his entire body was left only with emotion and fresh memories of her final moments.
Razer's lips moved to annunciate letters as he was pulled farther back from the one remnant of her; a helmet… a helmet of a brave soldier who had come to save him.
"No." He said without a breath, he could not feel air in his lungs or the rage that had encompassed his entire being. There was only a numbness in his skin and a soreness in his heart.
He couldn't recall what happened when he was brought onto the ship, the very ship that belonged to Aya, that was Aya.
The colors of white and green made his head dizzy, the absence of her voice left him aching. He could hear Hal and Kilowog saying something but he could only make out her name.
Aya.
His eyes closed as a reprieve for his pain, a way to block the place where he had come to love her, where they had grown so close.
"She's gone." He said with his hand on his chest, feeling for his heartbeat that now beat so softly.
There was silence that followed.
He retreated to the corners of his mind, of his childhood and the fields of Volkgreg were his people farmed the land and sung songs to make the work go faster. He felt the heat of a star keeping their planet alive; it's warmth against his skin.
He smiled.
It was a short-lived, the moment of euphoria fading as the touch of warmth became the hand of Aya as she too faded from the universe.
All those years ago he had come to believe that there was no greater pain than finding one's love lifeless, without anything to be done.
"I came back for you"
He was wrong, for watching one's love die and to hold them and plead for them to hold on was a far worse fate.
He had failed them both, that was all he could think of as his heart's blood pumped faster, forcing him to relive the touch of Aya's hand on his face and the sensation of her breath against his face as she whispered her final words.
He could have listened to her speak forever, and wished, believed with every bit of faith he had left in his poor broken soul that in every word she spoke was a chance of a happy ending.
All he needed was a time; a few more seconds to save her for surely the others were coming soon…
But not soon enough.
It was he who broke down like a child on a lonely field of a starry sky in Volkgreg, and it was she who was the brave soldier. She had worn an expression of acceptance when the life so many argued was not a life at all, had come to an end. In one look, she said everything she needed to say.
His eyes opened, moving from left to right as he searched for her, waiting for her to grab his hand and smile in the subtle way only Aya could do.
Instead, his eyes caught sight of the flower he'd given her earlier that day, the flower of hope, the symbol of all that was to come. It was the life that meant to be his way of saying he was finally ready to begin again.
We never…
"AYA" He screamed as his body moved to stand. He could not manage to move more than a few inches as the pain seemed to chain him to the ground. Even so, he could see Hal with his head against a wall, a darkness around him as if a cloud of mourning had come over the man and at his right was Kilowog with a somber expression having known all to well the pain of loss and how often it comes to claim the good.
She came for me, she came to save me.
He closed his eyes and pressed his hands into them, adding pressure for a physical pain he hoped would ease the sorrow in his soul.
I am not worthy of saving.
Had she only listened to him… how many times had he said he was not worthy of saving, how many times did he say he was a lost cause? And still, she pressed, she fought for him, she fought to make him understand that he was worthy because she saw something he could not.
If she had only given up on him…
She would be alive.
Razer smiled at the thought, Aya alive. What a fool he had been, pretending she were a mere machine and that a pulse lessened her determinedness, her bravery or the way she looked at him when he argued his life was not one that should be salvaged; it was the expression of woman undeterred.
Your soul was the one this universe needed, how could you give it up for mine?
He rose from the ground and moved to the front of the ship with his hands tightened into fists. His eyes looked to the stars ahead and once again he felt an ache in the very soul she had died saving.
These were the stars she would never see, one example of the infinite amount of things Aya would never get the opportunity to see and that being among the things she would never do, hear, touch…
They would never share a kiss…
And I will never hold your hand again; I will never hold you.
He pushed his hands against the glass of the ship and let the tears fall down his markings and onto the floor of the interceptor.
It was you who was meant to live, the hero of my heart.