Butterfly Upon A Wheel

Tsumiki remembers.

It's very sudden. Her personality just snaps back into place, quick and simple as sliding bones into place or slipping needles through veins. There's no struggle from her previous identity or any of those cliché tropes associated with memory—Junko-sama would've been horrified if Tsumiki fell prey to such a boring thing, and Tsumiki knows Junko-sama is forgiving, so much more forgiving and accepting than she deserves, but she still hates to disappoint—

(but oh no, maybe Junko would want to be disappointed because that would bring her more despair, after all Tsumiki is so useless and Junko loves how useless she is)

—more than necessary.

Of course, Tsumiki still remembers the events of the simulation, and they're still every bit as personal as they had been, but they just don't matter anymore. Hinata-kun gifting her with random trash that her previous self had treasured (hahaha this is Kamukura giving her a ring, Kamukura trying to strike up conversation), Saionji calling her names as usual (she'd loved the attention then, and now she loves it even more). It's not a very different experience from giving in to Despair the first time around. Despair doesn't wipe away the past. Despair makes it irrelevant. That's the beauty of it, that the past can't hurt her anymore because she just doesn't care. Good and bad, love and hate, kindness and cruelty, swept away by the overpowering pleasure that can only be given by Junko-sama. Koizumi taking pictures of her with the rest like she's really part of the group, Nidai laughing uproariously and giving her an encouraging slap on the back.

And the Imposter—lying in a pool of their own blood.

Tsumiki giggles.

But it's not high-pitched and delirious. Instead she sounds like she's wheezing, because she is, she can't breathe, she hurts, she cares.

The Imposter had looked completely different from the person she'd first met, back when they'd been impersonating Mitarai. Not just in the simulation, but after they met Junko -sama too—the Imposter had decided to take Togami Byakuya's face for whatever reason, and Tsumiki hadn't said anything because that actually made things easier. She didn't want to see Mitarai's face and be reminded of the kindness that he'd shown her, because then she'd remember—Junko wasn't the first. Treason. Poisonous thoughts that she shouldn't be thinking at all. How ungrateful of her to place anyone before Junko-sama! Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. She should cut her head open and clean her brain, and maybe Junko -sama would love her even more because Tsumiki knows she prefers that freak, Kamukura.

Oh well, Tsumiki thinks, watching over Komaeda and wanting to snap the fingers on his left hand. The Imposter is dead. So what? They'd all wanted this when they entered the simulation. She's happy for the Imposter, actually. Even a little jealous. They'll be able to see Junko-sama…

and

also

Nanami.

Ohnonononono.

Tsumiki clings to the ecstasy of despair as best she can but she's furious. For the first time, despair leaves nothing but a bad taste in her mouth. It takes all her effort not to scream, but she can't hold it back so she doubles over and bites her tongue so hard that blood spills out from the corners of her lips. Tsumiki just whimpers. Surely this is the ultimate despair, the sort that Junko-sama pursued and loved, but Tsumiki hates it and she can't bring herself to try not to or even care that Junko would be disgusted. Because Tsumiki's thinking about the time she spent with the fake instead, that thing wearing Nanami's face and acting out her personality. It's nothing but a fake.

It had played video games with Tsumiki.

Tsumiki seriously considers ripping out Komaeda's fingernails because his own hand is ugly anyway, but that's stupid and pointless so she thinks about killing the fake. She already has a murder all planned out, but oh, how beautiful it would be to take that fake Nanami and make her hurt. Tsumiki's very learned in making people hurt, and she loves watching people's faces when she does it. And Nanami's beautiful. Even this fake, she might be a farce but she has the same face—Tsumiki shivers at the thought. She can imagine it. Nanami bent over a wheel, her face scrunched up, her mouth open in a scream, her breaths filling Tsumiki's ear as she bends down close to the broken butterfly. And then Tsumiki would reach down, and her hand would find its way beneath Nanami's skirt, her lips would fall on her neck—

Oh, traitor traitor traitor

Let me show you my love

Tsumiki's so pissed off that she punches Komaeda in the face. She looks into the camera and smiles like she's posing with the unconscious boy, rubbing saliva into his already-forming bruise.

She sounds a lot like Nanami.

"Belief without doubt…is simply a lie."

Tsumiki admits it. That AI might be a fake, but it still looks and sounds so much like Nanami.

It's really, really funny.

"Huh? Is that all you can say?" Tsumiki says, and she's angry but she's also laughing inside. This thing will never be Nanami. Oh, God. She misses Nanami so much. She misses Nanami so much that she's willing to look at this fake, just to have something to remember her by.

Does it realize that she's remembered? Does it realize that she knows it's not real? Maybe it feels threatened. If everyone thinks that she's real, then she's real—but Tsumiki knows that it's not. Nanami, the real Nanami, had been better. This Nanami is a poorly-made excuse, a child's attempt at slapping together bits and pieces of Nanami like a mud castle with towers sloughing off every second. All it knows is how to throw around platitudes. It doesn't really care. It doesn't know how to.

Nanami had cared.

But she had died.

Traitor, Tsumiki thinks. How dare she go and die. Nanami had brought them all together and then she'd abandoned them. Tsumiki had loved her and she had died. Why bother giving them hope if it was just going to be ripped away? Torn limbs leave phantom pain. Tsumiki still feels it. Her hope—now the thing called despair. Nanami's fake was a traitor in this simulation, and her real person was a traitor in the real world. Traitor traitor traitor traitor traitor traitor traitor traitor—

Oh, Tsumiki's about to die too.

Sort of.

She knows that they're in a simulation, so maybe her brain won't go goodnight. Too bad about the others—the Imposter probably won't be waking up, not unless he unexpectedly has luck rivaling Komaeda. It's too bad. Tsumiki might wake up one day, but she doesn't think she'll see them again. And when she wakes up, she won't see Nanami again. Not even this fake will be left. Tsumiki tells her class about the Remembering Disease and watches their faces pale into various shades of confusion and horror, but the fake – Nanami – Nanami shows only realization.

Yes, I know that you're fake.

But Nanami doesn't know about the real Nanami. Tsumiki can just tell. She doesn't realize that she's based off a real person, someone beautiful and kind and who had never despaired like them.

Suddenly she wants to tell Nanami all about Nanami the real person.

"Now I can go to my Beloved! I can finally…see them."

I want to see you more than anyone, Junko-sama.

And you too...Nanami.

Tsumiki looks at Nanami, but neither of them say a word.

a/n: Just a thing I wrote after recently replaying Chapter 3. Tsumiki's Despair Disease takes on a whole lot of new connotations after the anime.