"Bella. Bella! Come on, it's time to go!" Alice's voice broke me out of my painful stupor. A tear rolled down my cheek, and I wiped it away as quickly as I could while glancing around the nearly-empty classroom to make sure no one had seen my breakdown. I gathered up my books like a sloth, and Alice tugged my arm impatiently. I had completely zoned out through the whole class, and I hadn't noticed when the bell rang. I tried to move a bit faster because I knew we were going to be late for out next class. When we finally made it out of the classroom, my eyes flickered around the crowded hallway. Alice studied my face with a worried expression.
I noticed, with a dizzying jolt of pain, a familiar head of bronze hair coming toward Alice and me. I averted my eyes, glaring at the floor while my eyes filled with infuriating tears. One escaped my eye and dripped onto my foot. I blinked my eyes feverishly, trying to banish the pain, but the memories came back anyway.
Edward and I had been in love once before (well, at least that's how it was for me). But one day he decided that I wasn't interesting enough for him, and it broke my heart, in the literal sense of the phrase. I had trouble breathing sometimes, like my lungs had been ripped out, and my heart ached until I couldn't take it anymore. After that, I usually took cold medicine, just to knock me out. It was better than facing the pain.
At school it was harder. I saw him in the halls, and in three of my classes. He ignored me completely, as I fully expected he would, but it hurt worse than anything I could ever have imagined. I was still painfully in love with him, and seeing him with other girls just made the wound deeper. I had considered suicide many times, but every time I managed to convince myself out of it. I wasn't that selfish; I wouldn't hurt my family and friends like that.
I moved to the other side of Alice so that I wouldn't have to brush his arm as he walked by me. I tried to keep my eyes away from his face, and failed completely. His perfect face was the same one I saw in my dreams every night, his emerald eyes were the same ones that haunted my thoughts constantly. I saw Alice glare up at her brother, and he returned the look with a frown. Then the moment was gone, and I was left to my pain. Of course, I had Alice, but she wasn't dumb enough to bother me when I was this engulfed in my agony and sadness.
We walked the rest of the way to class in silence. Her eyes kept flashing to my face, but I ignored her. During the lesson, my thoughts lingered on his beautiful green eyes. It made my chest hurt, but at the moment I didn't care. I was pretending that he still wanted me, that he still loved me. I pretended that for the entire class period, and Alice was probably wondering why there was an infrequent smile on my face.
When school was over, I waved vacantly to Alice and made my way to my truck. As soon as I was in the cab, the tears escaped and flowed freely. Pulling out of the parking lot, I caught sight of Alice standing by Rosalie's red convertible. Her brows pulled together and her eyes filled with sadness when she saw my face. I wiped away the tears quickly and looked away from her. I sobbed uncontrollably while driving, but the fact didn't bother me as much as it usually did. I was in too much pain to notice anything but the road.
My house was empty, and for once I didn't mind that my dad wasn't home. I didn't want him to see me like this. I lurched upstairs and tried to focus on my homework, but my tears kept blinding me and ruining the paper, so I curled up into a ball on my bed. The sobs shook me, rattling my bones. I ran to the medicine closet and grabbed the cold medicine. I knew that if I continued trying to stay conscious through that, it would end up badly. I would get seriously hurt if I let this go on, so I laid back on my bed and let the medicine make me drowsy. I was soon asleep.
Edward held me close to him and kissed my hair. I leaned my head against his chest and sighed. I was content. He lifted my face to his and pressed his lips to mine, light and quick.
"I love you," he breathed.
I think it was my racking sobs that woke me. The dream had lasted only seconds, it seemed, but that was enough to cause unbearable agony. I wondered why the cold medicine hadn't worked this time, but then I looked at my clock. It had been three hours since I had taken the medicine. I sighed, resigned to the pain, and let the misery have me for a little while longer.
When I resurfaced again, I had made a difficult decision. I couldn't keep living like this, that was for sure. I decided to not let the pain show, no matter what it cost me. I didn't care if I had to pretend that I hated Edward. I was determined to keep everything inside, to protect Alice and my father. I knew they worried about me, more than they needed to. I was resigned to the life that I had chosen; I had chosen not to live a normal life without Edward, because it wasn't possible. I had been irreversibly altered, past the point where I could continue on with life in a normal way.
But I would make it better for the other people in my life. I had already protected my mother from most of my insanity, now I just had to convince Alice and Charlie that I was okay. I was sure that Renee knew about my . . . situation, to an extent. I hadn't talked to her in person, though, for a long time, so I had been able to shield her from my dark and cloudy world of pain.
My eyes burned, so I got up and went to the bathroom to go wash my face. I felt better when I returned to my room, more reasonable. I realized that the decision I had made was a smart one; it was a good idea to hide my emotions in this kind of situation. If I kept on showing how broken I was, people were going to get worried, more so than they already were, and resort to drastic measures. I didn't want people to fuss over me. I didn't need help; I was smart enough to realize that hurting myself would be an extremely stupid mistake.
I got started on my homework, feeling mature and reasonable. This time, my tears did not stain the pages of my work.
When I was finished, I went downstairs to cook dinner. I was just setting the table when Charlie walked in.
"Hey, Bells." He smiled a small, wary smile. Worrying about me again. I started to sigh, but stopped myself. You are fine, you are okay, I chanted to myself in my head. My new philosophy was going to take some getting used to.
"Hi, Dad. Dinner's almost ready," I said in a steady voice, which pleased me.
Charlie hung his coat up and went to sit at the table while I placed a plate of food in front of him. I got my own dinner and sat down across from him.
"How was your day?" Charlie asked me.
"Fine," I said, almost in a whisper. Then I revised. "It was pretty good. I didn't get too much homework tonight. How was your day?" I asked with a carefully arranged smile. Charlie looked a little surprised at my answer. I usually didn't give him much information regarding my day.
"It was . . . good," Charlie began warily, "Pretty slow actually. Mark and I played cards for most of the day." He smiled a bit at some private joke.
I wasn't sure how to answer, so I stuck with a simple, "That sounds fun." I frowned in spite of myself. It didn't sound fun at all. Charlie sighed, so I looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back tentatively.
I turned in early that night, waiting for sleep to claim me. I tried to keep my strong attitude, but a few tears slid down my cheeks anyway. I decided that it didn't matter if I broke down. I was alone, and no one would see this.
I slept dreamlessly that night, and woke up feeling slightly refreshed. I skipped breakfast. Food didn't seem too appetizing to me anymore. I wasn't sure what caused the change, but it didn't really matter. Just one of the unimportant threads in my thinning, bland life.
The parking lot was empty when I arrived at school. I sat in my truck, with the heat blasting me. I was always too cold, even inside. I shivered underneath all my layers.
It didn't seem that too much time had passed when a sharp rap on my window startled me. I looked up to see Alice, an impatient expression on her face, pointing at her watch. We had two minutes to get to first period. I wrenched the door open and clambered out.
"Sorry, Alice, I lost track of time."
"Obviously." She glared at me, disapproval in her eyes.
We had to rush to get to English. Luckily, Mr. Berty wasn't in the room yet. The bell rang two seconds before we were seated.
The lecture numbed my mind, and I was able to get away with not thinking for almost an hour. Then Alice was shaking me to get me moving, and we were on our way to our next class. Unfortunately, second period was the one class that I had with Edward and without Alice. This was the hardest class to survive. Thankfully, I had gotten better at keeping my strong attitude. I hoped that I could get through the whole class without breaking down.
I made it class with a few minutes to spare. The teacher had just opened the door, and students were pouring in. A small line had formed. I stepped up, awaiting my turn to get into the classroom. Then I noticed a tall, bronze-haired figure standing in front of me. I held my breath so no sobs could escape. Because I was so silent, he stopped directly in front of me, talking with a few friends of his. I grasped at my chance to make my opinion of him known. Well, my fake opinion, anyway.
"Get out of my way, Cullen," I said in a harsh tone. He recognized my voice, and turned in surprise. He stared down at me in confusion. I was swept up in his deep emerald eyes, almost losing my focus. But I recovered quickly.
"Are you deaf?" I snapped. A small frown puckered his brow. I sighed internally at his beauty. He looked like an angel when he was confused.
"Uh . . . no." His voice, smooth as velvet, washed over me. I, once again, almost blew my cover. But I recovered in a short moment. He stood aside to let me pass, and I huffed in annoyance when my arm brushed his, but it was really a disguise for my intoxicated sigh. I was so besotted with him. It was absolute insanity.
I managed to get away with a numb mind again, and third period came with relief. Alice was waiting for me outside with a worried expression on her face. Edward was still in the classroom.
"It's okay, Alice. I'm fine," I assured her. She looked skeptical. We were standing just outside the doorway; when Edward came out, he walked directly into me. I gave him the best glare I could manage. He walked away looking confused and slightly irritated. I smiled to myself. I was getting better at this hating-Edward thing. It hurt to think this, but it hurt more to let the pain rule my life. I looked back at Alice. She was staring at me with wide eyes.
"What was that all about?" she hissed, pulling me in the direction of my next class. I had third period without her too, but thankfully, Edward was in a different class.
"He needs to watch where he's going," I stated matter-of-factly. Alice shook her head and dropped me off at Mr. Varner's classroom.
Trig flew by. I didn't notice much of what was going on around me.
Lunch arrived at last, and I rushed out of class. Alice was waiting for me outside the door. We walked silently to the cafeteria.
The lunch room was crowded and loud, but that didn't mean I missed the table that a group of boys sat at, a bronze-haired angel among them. His beauty pierced me through with sadness; he used to be mine. My heart thumped out an uneven rhythm in my chest as the past tense tore at my composure. Used to be. A small cry of pain escaped my lips, and Alice looked at me sharply. Her eyes were full of questions.
"What, Alice? Why do you keep looking at me like I have two heads?" I asked, my voice cutting. She shrugged and looked away. I followed her gaze, and my eyes rested on a group of surprisingly beautiful teenagers. Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie. Emmett was Alice's other brother. Jasper and Rosalie were brother and sister, too. They were all adopted by Carlisle and Esme Cullen.
Jasper eyes were locked on Alice's, and they seemed to be having some sort of silent, intense conversation. I walked slowly through the lunch line with Alice, picking up things at random.
Alice sat down next to Jasper, and I sat on her other side, on the extreme edge of the table. Emmett looked at me with worried eyes, but he greeted me as usual. Jasper and Rosalie chimed a "hello" to me, too. I answered with a mumble, and looked away. I heard them whispering, probably about me, but I didn't care enough to ask.
Alice whispered something fervently to Jasper, and leaned away from him to touch my shoulder. "Are you okay, Bella?"
"Yeah, you've been totally spacing the whole time," Emmett boomed. Alice shot him a dark look.
"Yeah, I'm fine. What are you all worrying about me for?" I answered sullenly. They exchanged a look amongst themselves, and Alice turned back to me.
"Well, you've been acting a little different . . ." Alice trailed off when she saw the expression on my face.
"Oh, yeah, just because I'm not acting like a zombie, you guys all start worrying about me," I snapped at Alice. She leaned away, shocked at my reaction. "I'm fine."
I deliberately turned my body away from them and glared at the wall across the room.
"Bella." I childishly put my hands over my ears. Alice pulled my hands away from my head. "Bella, we're just making sure you're okay. And if you say you're fine, we'll believe you. We're just watching out for you." Alice was careful not to mention the reason they watched out for me. Alice and I never talked about Edward.
I sighed heavily. "Fine." I turned back toward them but still didn't say anything. Lunch passed quickly, and I was glad when it was over. When I went to dump my tray, I noticed it was full of food I hadn't eaten. I didn't feel hungry, just sick. But I put on a brave face and walked with my head held high to my next class. Alice wasn't in this class with me, but Rosalie was. For that I was glad; Rosalie wasn't likely to say anything about my behavior.
I passed Edward on the way; I looked up at him with hard eyes, and he looked down at me with a blank expression. I wondered if my face betrayed any of the underlying pain it caused me to act that way toward him. I fervently hoped not.
Class drifted by slower than usual, but I barely noticed. My thoughts lingered on a pair of mesmerizing emerald eyes.
The rest of the school passed without incident. During my last two classes, I was so distracted by the fact that Alice was talking to me like I was a normal person that I didn't have a chance to take stock of my empty, pathetic life. The pain was something I could now bury inside myself until it was a sore spot on my heart.
I walked quickly out to the parking lot with Alice after the final bell ran. My eyes kept darting to a group of boys standing by a silver Volvo. Alice chattered non-stop until we reached my truck. I tried to concentrate on her words, but they flew over my head. I barely heard her say, "Good-bye," as I climbed into my truck. I waved, and slammed the door after she had turned to go over to Rosalie's convertible. But my clouded mind suddenly cleared up as soon as I was on the road.
I was living for nothing. I would never get to have Edward. He would never be mine again. That painful truth felt like a dagger in my heart. What was I doing? Wasting all that love on someone who would never reciprocate it. But I couldn't just stop. That would be impossible and unethical. Me not love Edward? Nonsense.
So I would have to be content. I would have to learn to endure my pain, and also hide it from other people. Today had tested my ability to do that, and I thought it had worked out well. Even Alice, perceptive as she was, detected no hint of pain in my eyes as I lied to them all. I was most definitely not fine. The opposite, actually. But Alice could have been acting, too. She was good at hiding things like that.
I knew Alice's strategy. She would pretend to believe me while in front of her siblings, then confront me later and force the truth out of me. If Alice had been faking this afternoon, I would have to be on my guard. I couldn't be caught unawares. And I had to practice my lying skills. They had already improved since yesterday, but I wanted to perfect them. It was the only way I could defeat Alice.
I was surprised when I found myself pulling into my driveway. I didn't remember the drive home at all. But I was thankful for the abstraction. Losing track of time was a relief from the painful emptiness of my life.
The evening passed slowly. I finished my homework before Charlie got home. He brought home a pizza, so I didn't have to cook. Even though I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch, I only had one piece of pizza, and it tasted like cardboard. Everything tasted like cardboard, though, so it didn't surprise me.
Unfortunately, I didn't sleep dreamlessly that night. Edward, his eyes like clear green stone, emerald-like, starred in my dream. His face was not friendly, and it was more beautiful than an angel's would be. At first, I thought that he wanted me. But I registered the expression on his face. I spiraled downward in a pool of depression when he turned away from me.
I woke up crying.
The next few weeks created an easy pattern to fall into. It was monotonous, but oddly comforting. The Cullens, with the exception of one, treated me like a normal human being. Alice never confronted me, so I assumed she believed the lie. I became more able to hide my pain, which was growing worse for no reason I could fathom. I lay in my bed each night while sleep evaded me. Sometimes I sobbed, letting the pain take over. Sometimes I kept myself numb, staring blankly up at the dark ceiling.
I dreamed of a bronze-haired, emerald-eyed angel every single night.
Six Years Later
"Are you okay, Bella? You haven't touched your food." I jumped. I had been swirling my cereal around with my spoon instead of eating it. I looked at my husband, Mike, sitting across the table from me.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Okay. You just looked a little . . . weird." Mike smiled a small, tight smile at me.
"Yeah, I guess I was just thinking." I had been thinking, but not about things I ever thought about consciously. My mind had dredged up the memories of its own accord. It didn't care about the pain that those memories would cause me. I looked back down at my soggy cereal and reluctantly put a spoonful in my mouth. It tasted like wet cardboard.
"About what?" Mike asked with a little too much interest. But I guess I was his wife, so he could never be too interested in me.
"Our wedding," I lied smoothly. The indulgent smile I placed on my face added nicely to the effect. I felt bad for deceiving him, but the truth would hurt him more.
"I see." Mike's smile widened. My smile faded a bit, but Mike didn't notice. Now that I had mentioned it, our wedding was on my mind.
It had been a nice ceremony. All of my family and Mike's family were there. Alice was even there, but none of the other Cullens or Hales showed up.
Our honeymoon had been a different story. Mike had taken me to Hawaii, but I got sick with the "flu" our first night there. At least, I told Mike and everyone else that it was the flu, but it was really disgust at what I had done come back to haunt me. I was sick for the rest of the week. Needless to say, our honeymoon didn't include us sleeping in the same bed. Mike was too afraid I would throw up on him.
I married Mike to make my family happy. I wasn't sure if I loved him back then, and I still wasn't sure now.
But my experience in acting came in handy frequently. I had to pretend that I was happy with my life every day. No one ever suspected anything.
I hardly slept at night. I was hard for me to swallow my pain when I had been so used to letting it go the second I was in bed. I didn't think Mike would react well to me sobbing in the middle of the night.
I had come up with a routine, and I followed that every night. I would wait until Mike was asleep, which sometimes took more than an hour. Then I would go out to the living room and sit on the couch, letting the agony engulf me.
I was basically the same person I was in high school, with the same pain and everything, except the fact that I was better at acting. And I was married.
And, like I did in high school, I dreamed of Edward every single night.