Autor Note:
I want to say a few things just because I can:
First thing first, this fic has spoilers from season two... you are all warned.
This fic came to me when I was listening a song I adore "Nadie se va a marchar" by Noel Schajris, whom is an awesome song-writer but need to change his last name because I can never say it. [You can listen the song here: youtube(dot)com / watch?v=GiIVnLlnrek&feature=related] . I translate the tittle of this as "No one is going to leave". I named the fic in spanish because I like it more that way.
I don't know if this came out right... Again, this is not my first language but still I couldn't write it in spanish. It was weird. I tried, but I didn't feel comfortable doing it. And I know maybe this isn't written perfectly but I tried. I think it's good because I want to improve my english and this is a good practice, right? Anyway, that's not the only weird thing..
I love Brittana, they're perfect for each other and I adore them, but my ship is Rachel/Quinn... and I have a few works with that ship that I can't seem to finish... and I find interesting how Brittana came to me and I am able to finish it so easily (Really, the hard part was the editing, and only God knows how many times I used the delete key), but then again they're just perfect, maybe that's why!
And I'm going to stop now, because I ramble to much... God!
Santana's heart was broken. Brittany knew it and she wanted to fix it. It was just that she didn't have an idea of how to do it, but she needed to fix it. Brittany had never liked to see Santana sad; the girl only lived to make her happy and Santana didn't even care if she was dying inside.
Brittany had learned in all the years of knowing her best friend that Santana didn't deal with pain the same way she or a lot of the people did. Brittany would cry, whine or maybe scream if it hurts too much, but Santana no; Santana would keep it inside, put on a straight face and be a bitch with anyone who came near her until the pain on her chest calm down a bit. Also, she'd be especially hard on people except for Brittany, maybe Puck or Quinn…
Quinn, who pulled at the last string two weeks ago.
It was like all Brittany and Santana had worked to put all the pieces of Santana's heart together, Quinn had brought it to the ground pulling at the right string. Now all of the pieces were on the ground, Santana was a wreck and nobody but Brittany knew it. That's why it was her job to fix it again.
Sometimes it was hard to know why Santana was feeling down, but all the weekends she felt that way. Brittany thought it was because Santana was out of school and all that happened on the week fell over her shoulders bringing her down with its force. It was okay, though, because Brittany was always there for her.
People saw Santana and thought it must be easy to be her. It was unfair, really, because just like they were face with expectations and rumors every day, also was Santana, and those expectations and rumors always suffocated her, because she was always constantly looking to be perfect.
So she broke down. Sometimes she'd just cry quietly. Other times she wouldn't even cry or talk but be quite. Rarely she'd cry so hard that Brittany wanted so bad to just run away because it was too hard and too much, but she wouldn't do that because San needed her.
Once in a while Santana would talk about what happened to her or about what was making her feel bad, but she would do it on Spanish and Brittany never understand a word. So, she had to settle with seeing Santana in the eyes, with seeing her expressions, to be able to guess what Santana was trying to tell her. Maybe that was the reason why she had gotten so good in reading people.
One day she asked Santana why she talked to her in Spanish if she didn't understand a thing; Santana just shrugged with a smile and told her she was sorry but that was the only way she felt comfortable telling her what she feels. So Brittany didn't complain because at least Santana was draining her pain somehow.
Brittany sighed looking at herself in the mirror. She was in the bathroom, wanting to get out of the cafeteria because it was suffocating without Santana by her side.
This week had been especially hard for her. Since the day Santana and Quinn had the fight, Santana had been being a major bitch with everybody, and everyday it was getting worst because she had stopped talking with people. Now Santana hadn't talked with her in two days and it was killing her. That was another reason for Brittany to fix Santana's heart again. She needed her friend so much. She felt like she had lost one of her hands and it was hard to live that way.
The only problem was that she didn't have a damn clue of how to mend Santana's heart.
"Santana is a bitch!"
Brittany flinched when she heard a groan and the door making a loud thud as it made contact with the wall. She looked towards the door, seeing Quinn entering followed by a very soaked Rachel Berry in green slushie.
Quinn stopped in her tracks when she saw that Brittany was in the bathroom. Rachel rolled her eyes, pushing Quinn away and walking towards the sinks.
"Brittany…" Quinn whispered; her eyes wide. They hadn't talked since the fight and really, Brittany didn't know if she wanted to. Her loyalty was with Santana, anyway, so she was mad with Quinn too.
"Santana is the bitch?" Brittany snapped, feeling the rage grow inside of her.
Ok, yes, Santana was a bitch, she couldn't fool herself, but still Santana was faithful and respectful with the people she loved and Quinn happened to be one of those people. The worst part in all of this was that Quinn knew all that and still went and stabbed Santana on the back. If that wasn't enough reason, Quinn also knew Santana so well to know that behind all the thick layers Santana, skillfully, hides herself, she was insecure and extremely sensitive. Still she went and betrayed her.
So, yes! She had the right to be furious with Quinn.
"Don't stay there, Quinn and give me the bag before this thing ruined my sweater" Rachel broke the silence attracting Brittany's attention.
Brittany frowned when she saw the defiant stare Rachel was giving Quinn. It was weird. Since when did Quinn carry Rachel's bag for her? Or since when did Rachel talk so directly at Quinn or dare her without trembling?
Quinn sighed, walking towards Rachel and extending her the bag. "Here" she said.
Here definitely happened something Brittany missed. She was confused.
"You seriously need to put a stop to Santana. This is the second time today, and we aren't even near to the end of the activities" Rachel said looking at Brittany through the mirror.
"Why me? She's the one who needs to stop her! She's the one who made her mad!" Brittany snapped and looked at Rachel with narrowed eyes. Rachel made a bad move and now she was angry again. She addressed Quinn then. "And why are you being so nice to Rachel? Are you going to make her your friend and then stab her on the back with your fake friendship like you did with Santana!"
Brittany flew out of the room when she saw the hurt in Quinn eyes. She was fuming and she needed time to cool out; and she needed to find Santana too, to asked her to stop even thought she told Quinn to do it herself. Besides, she wanted to know if Santana was at least feeling a little good with all the torturing she was doing.
Brittany was sitting in the auditorium trying so hard not to cry when she heard voices. She recognized the voices and rolled her eyes. She really didn't want to deal with anyone in that moment.
Looking for Santana was a mistake. Brittany found her tormenting a group of nerds with the help of other two Cheerios, who weren't afraid of Quinn to ignore Santana. When she told her to stop, Santana just ignored her and continued what she was doing; once she finished torturing the poor boys, she just turned on her heels and walked away followed by the Cheerios who grinned mockingly at her. Santana didn't even give a glance in her direction. It hurt so much because Santana never ignored her no matter how angry she was.
That was why she didn't want to see or hear Quinn among all the people because all of this was her fault. Santana had been fine and her heart was whole, brittle but whole, until Quinn came and screwed everything up.
"Whatever you two are doing, stop it. And go… I want- I need to be alone." Brittany said stopping the annoying hisses.
Brittany looked up to found a pair of hazel eyes looking at her with sadness, which made her remember that Quinn was indeed her friend and that she was probably having a hard time too, but then she looked at the other pair of eyes that were looking at her too, Rachel's brown eyes. Sad and beautiful brown eyes that looked so much like Santana's in that moment, so she just thought in Santana and not in Quinn. Because she was sure Santana would never do what Quinn did just to gain her reputation back, or for some reason she was trying to convince herself of that. She knew perfectly how alike Santana and Quinn were in the end.
"Please, B… I-I came here to talk to you… please, let me, I know-I know you're mad at me and-"
"I'm not mad… not anymore. I'm just sad… sad and disappointed" Brittany said softly interrupting Quinn, looking again into hazel eyes. Like Brittany assumed, Quinn couldn't hold her gaze even for a second and dropped her head.
"I—I'm sorry, B."
"Don't call me that"
That was the way Santana usually called her and she had spent almost three days without hearing it. She didn't want Quinn being the one to call her that.
"I am going to be in the library, ok? I'll leave you guys alone, so you two can talk" Rachel said, smiling a little to Quinn who looked terrified after hearing that.
"No, please, stay!" Quinn immediately stopped Rachel taking her by the wrist before she had the chance to leave. "Please, I can't do this alone… I'm… I-I—you know how ashamed I feel about this." Quinn voice became increasingly smaller with every word. Rachel nodded before taking Quinn's hand with her both hands.
"I didn't say I was going to listen to you." Brittany said, standing up from her seat.
Quinn let out a loud breath, and reached for Brittany's arm.
"Britt, I know I made a mistake, ok? I know! And I—I'm being punished… so freaking much! Do you think that seeing San hurting on the bottom of the pyramid isn't enough punishment? Please, believe me it is. I know I made a mistake, I know it's my fault that she's behaving like the major bitch right now, but I can't turn back time and undo what I did. I'm sorry, B… I really am. What do you want me to do? Please tell me and I'll do it. I miss you and I miss her." Quinn said, now standing closer to Brittany, her hand still clutching painfully at Brittany's arm.
Brittany shook her head, releasing herself from Quinn's grasp.
"She was your friend, Quinn, and you let her down. You didn't even apologize. You broke her heart and now I'm paying for that, too." Brittany swallowed hard feeling the first tears leave her eyes. She saw the way Quinn's face contorted with pain and Rachel's too but maybe it was because Quinn was squeezing her hand so hard. "You broke her heart and she's so devastated, Q. She had two days without talking to me!"
Quinn looked so in shock and so small like she wanted to just disappear so she won't have to look at her friend's face filled with pain, and Brittany wanted to laugh because that's exactly how she deserved to feel, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She wasn't like that; she didn't wish people those things, especially people she loved... because she loved Quinn even though she betrayed them.
"W-what?"
"She doesn't want to talk to me and this is your fault because you broke her heart, and now she doesn't want anyone near to see her shattered. Not even me"
"What do you want me to do?" Quinn begged. "I-I'll do it. I promise. I'll do whatever you want me to do to fix this. Please, tell me." Quinn sobbed, closing her eyes tightly.
Brittany felt bad. This is why she didn't wish people bad things. She was dying for reach out and hug her, but she couldn't bring herself to do that either, because right now she didn't want to comfort the person who broke her Santana.
"I'm sorry." Quinn cried. Rachel was caressing Quinn's back with her free hand while chewing at her lower lip, her gaze never leaving Quinn's face.
Brittany shook her head. "I'm sorry, too."
"What can I do?" Quinn asked, looking desperately at her. Brittany didn't know.
"I don't even know what I'm supposed to do" Brittany said, turning around and starting to walk out of the auditorium. She stopped when she heard Rachel calling her name, but she didn't turn around.
"She is really sorry, you know? There is always something one can do… just-" Rachel trailed off and Brittany waited for her to continue but she didn't do it.
Brittany left the auditorium hearing Quinn's sobs that only became louder.
"Are you ok, sweetheart? You look sick" Brittany's mother, Amelia, said while sitting on the edge of her daughter's bed.
Brittany had been curled on her bed since she came home from school. She couldn't get any sleep even thought she desperately wanted to because she was tired from practice.
It was impossible to sleep, every time she closed her eyes she just kept seeing Santana's angry and hurt eyes or hearing Quinn's sobs. She was even worrying about Rachel getting hurt because of Quinn, and she didn't even know why because she wasn't friend with Rachel. So, yes, she was feeling a little sick.
"I'm fine, mom. I feel tired, that's all." She said, reaching to grab her mother's hand.
"Are you sure? Because if you're feeling sick we can go see a doctor, I don't want you to get sick, baby." Amelia said, leaning over Brittany to feel her forehead.
Brittany closed her eyes and smiled, thankful for the warm contact. She had spent three days without this, without someone caring about her. Sure, her mother loved her, and cared and worried about her, but Brittany knew her mom had things to do, too, and she was busy practically all the time. It didn't matter that she was, though, because when she stopped to take a look at her kids –who really weren't kids anymore-, she really made them feel loved.
With Santana, she didn't have to wait for her mother to remember that it was for her kids she was working, because Santana was constantly taking care of her like she was a little baby, so Brittany didn't missed her mother too much.
"I'm ok, mom, really… can I skip dinner?" Brittany asked, opening her eyes, looking pleadingly at her mother because Amelia liked to have all her kids in the table at dinner. Brittany wasn't hungry, anyway, and she really didn't want to deal with her siblings right now.
Amelia looked at Brittany like she wanted to say something but wasn't sure if she was allowed to say it. Brittany just knew she was considering asking for Santana because lately Santana practically lived there and she hadn't seen her in three days. She was praying for her mom not to ask because she was sure that she would erupt crying right there. She felt too tired to start crying.
Amelia finally sighed and just nodded. "I know you're not ok, baby… you're usually so full of energy. But I'll let it slip, but just for this time. And if you want to talk about what's going on, mommy's here, ok?"
Brittany assured her with a nod. Amelia smiled to her daughter.
"Thanks, mom" Brittany said, sitting up and wrapping her arms around her mother's neck, closing her eyes. "Love you."
"I love you too, baby."
"Mom. Moron. San's downstairs." Brittany heard her brother and saw him standing at her open door when she opened her eyes. Brittany released her mother with wide eyes.
"Careful, Brian" Amelia warned him.
"Really? Is she here?" Brittany asked with shaky voice.
"Yeah and she looks like crap" Brian laughed, disappearing quickly in the hallway when her mother throw daggers at him. Brittany rolled her eyes, and her mother laughed.
"I'll go tell her to come up so you two can talk… you should comb your hair a little, baby." Amelia said laughing, passing her fingers through Brittany's hair while standing up. Brittany smiled, combing her hair with her hands and climbing out of bed. She slipped on her flip-flops while her mother exited the room.
Santana was here! Brittany was hopping for everything to be like it was before, but what if… Brittany frowned and sat at the edge of her bed… What if Santana was just there to tell her that they can't be friends anymore? That would be too much. That she wouldn't stand. That-
"Britts… " Brittany heard Santana's weak voice.
Brittany looked up just to confirm Brian's observations. There was Santana standing on her doorway with her hair down, wearing sweat pants and a tank top, looking so small, so broken and her beautiful brown eyes were filled with sorrow and pain. She couldn't take it. Brittany closed her eye and when she opened them again seconds later, Santana was looking down at her snickers, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Why are you here?" was all Brittany could ask. She wanted to stand and run to Santana and hug her, but she wasn't sure Santana wanted that so she needed to know why she came first.
"I've missed you" And that was all Brittany needed.
Brittany stood up and closed the distance between them, embracing her for the first time in almost three torturous days. Brittany hugged Santana so tight wishing she could put Santana inside of her chest so she wouldn't get this hurt anymore. The harder part came when Santana's body wracked with sobs making Brittany hurt with every tremor of her body.
"I've missed you, too" Brittany said her voice weak, her face wet with tears.
"I'm sorry, I—"
"Shh, it's ok. Come on." Brittany pulled Santana away and took her hand, closing the door and walking to the bed.
Santana tried to talk again but the sobs came back when she opened her mouth. Santana collapsed once more in Brittany's chest, and Brittany instinctively wrapped her arms around her.
Brittany liked this -not the Santana suffering part, of course-; she liked that Santana was there finally draining all the pain she was feeling, and she did what she always did: she just stayed there, still, caressing Santana's back and kissing the top of her head without saying a word, just waiting for some of the pain on Santana's chest to cease.
Ten minutes was what it took before Santana could talk again.
"I'm sorry, I've been ignoring you, I—"
Brittany frowned. Santana was avoiding Brittany's. Why she wasn't looking her in the eyes?
"Why aren't you looking me in the eyes like you usually do?" Brittany couldn't help but ask, searching Santana's eyes.
"Because I can't, B. I've been doing this for two days… Almost three fucking days! I'm feeling ashamed that I'm breaking down like this, that's why I pushed you away. I'm supposed to be strong, B, but I can't anymore" Santana said, desperately.
"That's ok, San. You don't have to feel ashamed for that"
"But I feel it, ok?" Santana snapped, standing up. "For you is easy… always has been easy and probably always will be. You don't have to worry about everything because you're… just… perfect! But I'm not, I'm fucking not!"
"What are you talking about? What is this all about? Look me in the eyes, please!" Brittany begged, reaching for Santana's hand to make her sit again.
Santana shook her head, backing away from Brittany.
"I can't. I feel ashamed of myself and if I looked you in the eyes then you would see everything I can't say, and I don't want you to know because you'd hate me!"
"What are you talking about? Ashamed for what? Is this again about the boob job, San? I told you I think it's amazing. You don't have to feel ashamed about that, so many women do it and you know that."
"But you were right, I didn't need it… and I am way too young for that, but I still went and did it, because I wanted people to notice me more. I was feeling insecure again. Again, B! And it won't stop, and I want it to stop! I want it to fucking stop!" Santana screamed breaking down in sobs again, dunking her chin on her chest.
Brittany stood up, approaching her. "San…"
"Everything just blows up in my face and I couldn't do anything to stop it." Santana said, quietly. "And this isn't her fault but I'm blaming her because it's easy… I know she feels bad, I know that Sue had been being hard on her because she can't concentrate because she's looking at me all the time." Santana paused, shaking her head. "I know she feels bad, I can see it in her eyes... but I can't bring myself to forgive her. I can't, because that's accepting that I was the one who was wrong and not her."
"She was your friend and she betrayed you, S. She's the one to blame not you. She didn't even say sorry." Brittany pointed out.
"But she is! I know she is sorry!" Santana said desperately, sitting again on the bed.
Brittany shook her head. "She preferred her reputation over your friendship!" She didn't want to believe Quinn wasn't guilty. She had been so hard on her because of Santana.
"I know that, B! But she was desperate, she needed her reputation back… she told me!"
"There were others ways... and why are you defending her? Stop it!" Brittany snapped.
"Because she didn't even say about the boob job to Coach Sylvester" Santana said and covered her face with her hands. Her voice sounded muffled. "I just assumed she did, because I was enraged about coach making her Head Cheerleader again." Then she brought her hands down with force, hitting her thighs hard. "She gave her my spot!"
"Then why is she sorry for something she didn't do? She didn't even deny it!" Brittany said confused, sitting besides Santana. She was feeling desperate because Santana still wasn't looking her in the eyes.
"I don't know! And I wish she would have just denied it, but she didn't and I used it in my favor. I don't know, maybe she's sorry for wanting to recover everything back when all of it was on my hands at that moment. And then I went and hit her and… and said that thing about her being a mother knowing that was off limits… I hurt her too." Santana started to sob again and Brittany hugged her tightly. "I'm angry with myself but it's easier to be angry with everyone else, because I don't have to deal with anyone if I don't want to, but with myself? I have to live every fucking day and I can't escape that."
Brittany just waited until Santana was able to talk again, her sobs were quiet but still it wasn't letting her talk. Santana pulled slightly away seconds later, burying her gaze on Brittany's neck. Brittany kept her arms around her, refusing to let her go.
"Coach was right, Britts. Everything was my fault. If I needed this to feel good about myself then I don't have what is needed to be a head cheerleader… so I don't know why I'm whining about it." Santana said softly.
"Don't say that, San. You need to complain and to whine, it's ok… for that you have me and no one has to know. But please…" It was unbearable; Brittany needed Santana to look her in the eyes. "Please look at me. Look me in the eyes, San."
Santana shook her head, closing her eyes. Brittany raised Santana's head with her fingers on her chin. Santana opened her eyes and they were filled with fear. Brittany smiled at her.
"Please promise me you won't keep all of this inside ever again… it just make you hurt, and I don't like to see you hurt. Promise me. Please, baby."
Santana pulled Brittany's hand away, moving her brown eyes away from Brittany's blue ones. "No puedo"
Brittany smiled at that. She didn't have a damn clue of what that possibly means, but it gave her an idea, actually, two. So she beamed and Santana looked at her frowning.
"What?" Santana said, getting defensive and pulling Brittany completely away.
"If I let you say to me what you're feeling in Spanish, you'd see me in the eyes and let me hug you, and never ever again kept it all inside?" Brittany asked. Her eyes sparkled when Santana looked at her and smiled genuinely for the first time since the fight with Quinn.
"Are you being serious? You hate when I speak Spanish to you."
Brittany shook her head, still smiling. "If it makes you feel good, I'm ok with you speaking spanish all you want."
Santana smiled again and Brittany was feeling like she was breathing properly again. So she grabbed Santana's hand and round the bed. She took the covert of the bed off and gestured Santana to lie down. "And it's not like is the first time, or you've forgotten all the times you talk and I lay down with you just listen how beautiful all those words leave your mouth until you fell asleep?"
"You're awesome, you know?" Santana said.
Brittany climbed over Santana, plopping down next to her. "Duh!"
Santana giggled and snuggle in Brittany's chest when the blonde was perfectly settled on the bed. "I'm sorry for ignoring you. Those three days were the worst days of all my life, I swear to you."
"It's ok, mines too. Just don't do that again, please."
"I know. I'm sorry. You look so tired and sad." Santana said, lifting her face. Brittany looked down seeing concern on Santana's eyes.
"I'm not sad anymore" Brittany assured her. It was true.
"I won't do it again, I promised" Santana said, with a small smile. Brittany smiled, cupping Santana's right cheek.
"I love you, moron." Brittany said softly. How she wished Santana was sure of that.
"I love you too, moron." Santana giggled, reaching up to leave a kiss on Brittany's lips.
"So, what do you have to say?" Brittany asked, starting to caress Santana's back.
Santana smiled again, separating herself a little from Brittany so the girl could see her in the eyes as she promised, and started speaking.
It was true. Santana was right when she said that Brittany would be able to see everything she couldn't say. But this wasn't new. Santana could be the most cheerful person in Mckinley High; have a perfect smile since she walked first hour in the morning on the school until she leave the building; but nobody never make an effort to see behind all of that. They just assume Santana was strong and didn't realize just how fragile the girl really was; so Brittany was accustomed to the little break downs.
Brittany knew this one wasn't just a little break down, though, but she was sure she had handled it fine. And even thought she didn't understand anything Santana was saying in that moment, she understood perfectly every expression and saw all the sadness and sorrow, and hatred towards herself on Santana's eyes. But most importantly Brittany felt like every word that was leaving Santana's mouth was like a little piece of Santana's heart that was put in its place again.
So Santana's heart wasn't completely healed, but it was a start… and she still had another idea in mind.