Boyfriend
author: Melby7777
Summary: Kakuzu and Sasori fight over who's better.
Disclaimer: Akatsuki is owned by Masashi Kishimoto
Note: this was a suggestion from my deviant art sempai, attila-the-honeypie. it's basically like My Boyfriend is Better.
Kakuzu and Sasori sighed, shaking their heads. From what they'd heard in the other room, their ukes were fighting once more on which one of them had the better seme. Of course, they both thought it was them self.
"Can you believe those two…?" The ex-waterfall ninja asked, bending once more to continue their game of pool.
His red headed companion shrugged his wooden shoulders. "It can't be helped; they seem to believe that their own lover is superior."
Kakuzu grunted before smirking behind his mask as the q-ball hit his targeted ball into the pocket. "Deidara's just wasting his breath though…"
Sasori chuckled, nodding before pausing all together. "What is that supposed to mean…?"
"That Hidan is right—I am better than you." Kakuzu replied before bending over the table once more. Sasori's eyes narrowed at his words. "What…?"
"You're both wrong and Dei is right! I'm the superior boyfriend!" Kakuzu faltered in his shot from shock, hitting the q-ball into a bounce which flew right at the puppet's head.
Kakuzu bitterly smirked when the white ball connected with Sasori's cranium, laughing lightly. "You didn't even move out of the way…"
"I didn't exactly have a warning…" Sasori growled through his teeth, bringing his pool stick up before smashing it over Kakuzu's head, breaking it in half.
The stitched man hissed, rubbing his head and removing the pieces of wood from his hair. "Damn it, Sasori—I'll kill you!"
"Not if I kill you first!" The puppet replied, lunging at the larger man over the table. Each of them growled, howled and punched at the other, Sasori even bit Kakuzu a few times.
"I'm the better boyfriend!"
"No, I am…!"
It took only a minute for the two to destroy all ten pool sticks and tear the legs of the table off to hit one another with. Of course, the sound of the table falling to the ground and the yelling of the two semes eventually aroused Kisame's attention, and the shark was running into the room.
The minute Kisame saw the bickering men hitting one another with legs to the pool table he began to laugh his butt off. Kakuzu and Sasori seized in their fighting long enough to look at their fellow seme with confusion.
When Kisame pulled himself together, he whipped away a few of his tears that had formed in his eyes from hard laughter. "So… what's this fighting all about?"
"Sasori seems to think he's a better boyfriend than I am…" Kakuzu bitterly muttered, glaring crossly at the puppet. Sasori scoffed rolling his eyes.
"I am better than you…"
Kisame sighed when their fight started up again. "You're both turning into your lover…" This stopped all fighting between the semes. Both slowly turned to stare at the blue man, twitching slightly.
"I'm nothing like Deidara…" Sasori muttered, Kakuzu nodding his head.
"Same for me—nothing like Hidan…"
Kisame shrugged his shoulders. "Could have fooled me; you both were bickering over which one was better, just as they had been." Sasori and Kakuzu glanced at one another, shock evident in their eyes.
"Well… it's true though; I'm better than Sasori." Kakuzu muttered, crossing his arms in annoyance.
Sasori growled through his teeth. "No, I'm better Kakuzu!" Kisame sighed rubbing his temples.
"Look, neither of you is the better boyfriend!" Kakuzu and Sasori stared up at Kisame, giving him a questioning look. "Like Itachi said, I am better than you both."
Kakuzu and Sasori were on their feet in an instant, glaring up at the blue man. "Prove it…" The puppet master threatened, the miser pulling up his sleeve.
Kisame chuckled, leaning against the door way. "Simple enough… Sasori, you constantly tell Deidara to shut up and never appreciate his abilities—"
"I've appreciated his abilities!" Sasori cut in, making the shark roll his eyes.
"That one time… Kakuzu, you're a greedy fucker who would probably save his money before Hidan if they were both falling off a cliff."
Kakuzu shrugged at that. "Can't deny that; besides, Hidan would live…"
Kisame shook his head. "But even if he wasn't immortal."
The miser paused at that, a blank look on his face. "Well…"
"Exactly; neither of are good boyfriends." Kisame finalized, standing straight and smirking. "But obviously you're doing something right to have them still with you…"
With that, the shark left the puppeteer and stitched man to their thoughts.
Sasori and Kakuzu poked their heads out into the main room, looking around slowly. They both smirked, seeing that Deidara and Hidan were in the room. The two ukes had left the room they were originally arguing in, and moved out to the main room.
"Hidan, I keep telling you but you're not listening, un!" Deidara continued, flipping his hair out of his face. "Sasori-danna is a thousand times better than Kakuzu!"
The albino barked a laugh. "Bull fucking shit, Deidara-chan! Kakuzu is better than that piece of wood!" A smirk grew on Hidan's lips. "By the way, what's it like having splinters in your ass…?"
Sasori growled lightly at that, prepared to go out there to punch the daylights out of the immortal. Kakuzu, however, held the puppet master back. The look in his strange colored eyes told the redhead to wait.
"Oh screw you, Hidan un…" Deidara grumbled, crossing his arms in anger. Hidan simply laughed. Kakuzu smirked under his mask before nodding to Sasori, forming a seal and turning into Sasori. The smaller man followed suit, becoming Kakuzu in turn. They nodded to one another.
The fake scorpion walked out from behind the wall, Deidara spotting him instantly and grinning. "Come on, Dei… we need to talk." Kakuzu as Sasori muttered, the naturally bored expression on his face. Deidara smile grew and he nodded.
"Alright Sasori-danna…!" With that, the fake Sasori and Deidara left the room just as the fake Kakuzu came in.
Hidan smirked at the sight of his boyfriend. "Hey dumbass…" Sasori glanced over at him, an eyebrow rising. Was this how Kakuzu was treated?
"What…?" Sasori grumbled, the voice of Kakuzu coming out instead. Hidan's smirk became a sinister grin as he crawled off the couch.
"Let's go have some fun…" The albino purred, his amethyst eyes full of lust as he latched onto the fake banker's arm. "That Deidara has been pissing me off all day…"
Sasori's henged eyes widened, but he remained calm. Time to put the plan into action… "Shut up, Hidan; I'm busy…"
Hidan let go slowly, his purple eyes widening a bit. "But… you always have time for fun…"
"Not today… or ever again—now go away!" Kakuzu's voice came out fiercely, and Sasori had to hold back the grin even if Hidan couldn't see past the mask. With that, the fake miser left the room, a sadistic grin growing ever so quickly just as the tears began to form in the immortal's eyes.
"What do you mean, Sasori-danna…?" Deidara began, his blue eye wide with shock.
Kakuzu sighed, wondering if Sasori had finished his part of the plan. "There's no time for us any longer. Just leave me alone with my art…"
Deidara bit his lip, looking to the floor before running from the room. Kakuzu groaned, throwing his hand to his face before the henge completed. A second Kakuzu walked into the room, before a cloud formed around him revealing Sasori.
"Did it work…?" The puppeteer asked, an eye brow rising simply. Kakuzu nodded his head. "Same for me; now go fix my damage and I'll fix yours. First one to get their lover to accept their apology is the better boyfriend."
Kakuzu nodded once more, quickly leaving the room. Sasori followed five minutes later.
Hidan and Deidara stared at one another. "So… he said 'screw you' too, un?" The blonde asked simply, the albino nodding his head. They both sighed.
Despite the fact neither seme had said "I'm breaking up with you", it still felt like that was what had happened.
The both sighed, staring up at the ceiling with a frown. Neither liked it; they'd just been fighting over who had the better boyfriend, and they both get dumped on the same day. Maybe the semes both were fed up with the continuous fight…
"Hey, Hidan…"
"Yeah…?"
"I think Kakuzu was better than Sasori-danna now, un…" Deidara muttered, glaring at the ceiling. Hidan shook his head.
"No, Sasori was better than the fucker Kakuzu…"
Someone sighing reached their ears, and both ukes sat up to see who it was. Itachi leaned against the door, shaking his head. "I'm assuming neither of you have figured it out yet…"
Deidara and Hidan looked to one another crossly, both thoroughly confused. "Itachi, didn't you say that Kisame was better, un?"
"Of course I did; but I'm his boyfriend, so obviously I'd think that." The other two continued to stare at him with confusion. Sighing once more, the weasel turned to leave the room. "Look, what I'm saying is that if he makes you happy, then he's better than anyone else's lover. Forget what others say; he's your perfect boyfriend and no one can change your mind." With that, Itachi left the room.
The two ukes left behind looked to one another. "Hidan, un…?"
"Shit Blondie, we need to get them back!" And so the two jumped up off the floor and ran from the room.
Kakuzu's eyes scanned the room before he ducked back out of the doorway. Sighing, he scratched his head before continuing on. "Where is that albino…?" He muttered, shaking his head before taking a step down the hall.
He'd been looking for Hidan for the past hour, and the only room he had yet to look in was their shared room. Opening that door, Kakuzu looked inside, seeing Hidan's silver head on the bed.
"Hidan, I've been looking—" He stopped midsentence when he got a good look at his uke. "Why are you wearing that maid's outfit again…?"
Hidan chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. "Konan had given it to me so I thought, 'Why the fuck not?' and put it on…" The albino looked to the floor then, his lower lip pouting a little. "I'm guessing it doesn't fucking arouse you anymore…"
Kakuzu shook his head, walked over to the bed and pulled Hidan's hair. "You're an idiot…" The miser muttered, forcing his uke to look up at him before kissing him fiercely.
Sasori growled, storming from the kitchen and to the main hallway. He had yet to find Deidara, and wasn't sure if Kakuzu had beaten him yet. The puppet master did believe to be better than that miser, but he just needed to prove it first.
Slamming his bedroom door closed, the Akasuna sighed. Slowly he looked around the room he shared with Deidara. The minute he was tackled back against the door, Sasori knew he found his blonde.
"Danna, I'm so sorry for there's no time for us, un! I won't let it happen again, un!" The former Iwa-nin yelled, clinging to his boyfriend for dear life.
Sasori took a moment to put two and two together. Smiling, the puppet wrapped his arms around Deidara. "I was just about to say the same thing, Dei…"
And so, the day ended with two happy ukes and a tie in a bet between two semes. Neither of them could compete with the other, being as they are each the perfect boyfriends (going for Pein, Zetsu and Kisame as well) only for their precious ukes. No one could win the hearts five ukes of Akatsuki as these men had. And yes, Konan is considered an uke in my book!