A/N: Hi there. I wrote this fic as a reaction to the episode Monday Mourning. It was written quickly and posted without a beta reader, because I saddled her with a much bigger job and just wanted to have this out, while the episode was still fresh. So my apologies in advance for any grammar mistakes or other stuff. That said... DO NOT READ THIS if you haven't seen episode 2x17.
Warning: Discussion of suicide.
At first, it was easy to pretend that nothing happened... or well, almost nothing. The morning started out like any other, by coming to work, saying hi to his colleagues, getting changed and then Dr. Latham informing the surgical team about the days program and patients status. Connor exchanged a few words with the nurse at the desk, when there was a sudden lull in the grapevine. He couldn't describe it otherwise... something happened and suddenly there were whispers and horrified looks and Connor frowned. He wasn't the gossiping guy, but despite choosing surgery as his specialty, he was quite a people's person. So seeing several nurses looking shocked and close to crying, he walked up to them and asked what was wrong.
"It's... someone just... jumped off the balcony."
Connor blinked, frozen. That sentence brought back an image he didn't want to deal with, not now and not here.
"What? Whose patient was it?" he asked, confused. There should be some safety measures against patients wandering off without notice, or climbing over balconies. Maybe locked doors and keypads could help? His mind was going in circles, trying to figure out how a patient got there and was it a psych patient or a grieving relative? But the nurse shook her head and there were tears in her eyes.
"It... it wasn't a patient, Dr. Rhodes. It... it was a doctor."
Connor froze, his gut churning and blood running cold. He was too afraid to ask, but he knew he had to. Even though, somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a sliver of suspicion, but he pushed that back, far, far away.
"Who?" he asked, voice chocked.
"Dr. Wheeler."
That sliver of suspicion broke through his defenses and Connor's breath paused. His mouth opened, but nothing came out and he stood there, stumped. The two nurses looked at him with concern, realizing that while they barely knew the kid, Connor spent half of his time down in the ED and probably knew him well. One of the nurses reached out gently.
"Are you okay, Dr. Rhodes?" she asked as her hand touched his arm and Connor's thoughts jolted back to the present. He shook his head and gave a reassuring nod, though the usual smile was gone.
"Yes, of course. T-thanks for telling me, Greta. I... excuse me. I need to go." Turning around, Connor headed straight for the elevator. The nurses didn't tell him if Jason was dead, though the look on their face implied that... along with the fact that there was no call for a surgeon to the ED. That meant that either Jason wasn't hurt that bad... or he was already gone.
Connor didn't have to wait long for the answer. The moment the elevator's door opened, it was clear as day. The ED was struck in silence, which was something that he hasn't seen before. Maggie was leaning against the counter, her eyes huge and shocked. Sharon Goodwin was talking to two policemen and Will, Ethan and Jeff were standing in various states of shock and disbelief near the desk. Several nurses were bustling around, but their movements were jerky and they kept quietly speaking to the patients. There was no rush to save their fellow colleague's life and Connor had to take a deep breath and steel his nerves, trying hard not to just turn around and vanish upstairs. He walked over to Ethan, who gave him one look, then shook his head.
Connor opened his mouth to say something, but there were no words. The atmosphere in the ED was stifling and for the first time ever Connor wished to be anywhere but here. He needed to breath, to get some air, but he was truly scared to go outside and see... nope. His mind went blank. He knew what he would see on that ground, had seen it once before and it was enough for a lifetime. Clenching his jaw, Connor nervously ran a hand over his hair, then gave himself an internal shake. This was not the time to fell apart. One look around the ED told him that most people were struggling with the same idea... and some of them looked to be losing. Connor stepped up to Maggie and gently squeezed her shoulder in support. She looked up at him startled, then gave a thankful nod.
"Do you need any help down here?" Connor asked, proud that his voice wasn't shaking.
For a second Maggie looked lost and Connor's heart ached for her.
"He said... I'll be down in a minute. How... how could he say that?" she asked and Connor at first didn't understand, but then comprehension hit and he felt sick to his stomach.
"I... I don't know, Maggie," he said, his voice choked and some feeling must've flicked over his face because Maggie shook her head and squeezed his arm in return.
"I shouldn't have... I'm sorry, Dr. Rhodes. I just..." She was clearly in shock and Connor could understand. Maggie tried for a small smile, failed miserably and with a shake of her head she turned towards the computer. He didn't press, just gave a nod and headed over to where Will and Jeff stood looking over some files but not really seeing them.
"Maggie, please, call in all the senior staff, I want to make an announcement," Sharon Goodwin spoke. Five minutes later, Sharon Goodwin addressed a group of people she thought of as family, to let them know what happened and what was going to happen next. She was thankful to have Dr. Charles by her side, to have someone to fall back on and make sure that her people will be looked after. She didn't want anything to happen to anyone else. She could already see what a toll this was going to take on those left behind.
"So, there'll be no judgment on anyone who would prefer not to be here today." Even as she said it, Sharon hoped that no one will take her up on that offer. Not because she needed people to run the hospital, right now, that was beside the point. No, for the moment, she preferred to have them all there, under her eyesight. To give them a little time to come to terms with what happened, amongst people who were dealing too. She was trying to convince herself it was for their good, but she knew it was just a selfish wish to have them all safe under her wing.
Connor listened to Sharon, but he kept looking at Maggie's face and all he could think of was those words.
'I'll be down in a minute'.
Was that supposed to be a joke? Some screwed up dark humor? Or was Wheeler still undecided? He thought back to the morning... was it just a half an hour ago that he was grabbing some files and heading upstairs, nodding at Wheeler who just came to work?
Could he have changed something? Just how many people did Jason meet on his way to the balcony, giving them a polite smile and a hello before deciding it was a good time to end his life?
Connor's gut churned. He waited painfully until Sharon and Daniel finished speaking and bolted from the ED as quickly as possible. He needed to go somewhere without that stifling atmosphere of grief, death and... guilt.
His first instinct was to go up to the roof... but that just made his nausea return with vengeance. He needed air, but he wasn't ready to go out... and definitely not on the roof or a balcony. So sequestering himself upstairs in the surgical wing seemed like a good idea. The initial shock from hearing about the suicide of a doctor was gone and the nurses and other staff on the floor kept busy taking care of the patients, which suited just well for Connor. After refreshing briefly in the bathroom, he threw himself into work.
When he got called downstairs for a consult, he stepped out of the elevator with some trepidation, but let out a relieved sigh when he saw the ED was back in the bustle of things. Sure, if he looked closer, he could see the signs of stress but life went on... and there were other people in need of help. So he buckled up, pushed all his thoughts about Wheeler deep inside and went to help Reese, hoping his mask won't crumble.
Connor was never good at pretending things were fine... not for his own sake. If it involved a patient, sure, the mask went up. He was a doctor and that was his job... to keep all his doubts and worries hidden, to keep the patient calm and relaxed. So even though he felt like there was a rock in his stomach and that his memories could jump out any second and overwhelm him, Connor kept going, pretending. Because there were people around him who weren't doing all that good and he felt the duty to help them, to take that pain away. To help at least someone, when he failed in helping the one who needed it most.
When Reese started questioning the patient who jumped into freezing water and saved a child, Connor felt something stir inside. He saw the look in her eyes and it was similar to the look Jason wore when the pregnant woman was bleeding out. Connor didn't reassure him then, but he wasn't about to let Reese down too.
"Dr. Reese, are you okay?" he asked without preamble and Reese frowned.
"What? Fine, everything's fine. I'm going to check on that room." She left and Connor watched her go. It was a bit later that he saw her at the nurses' desk, staring at her patient but not really seeing him.
"Though day, huh?" She nodded, but didn't speak. Connor stood there, arms crossed over his chest and slightly rocking on his feet, looking thoughtfully at Sarah.
"You and Dr. Wheeler were friends?"
"No, I hardly knew him," she replied and he frowned a little at the answer.
"He came to me." Sarah spoke after a moment of silence. "Twice."
Connor clenched his teeth. He knew where this was going, felt the same guilt. He listened as Sarah spoke about Wheeler, how he asked for pills and therapy.
"I don't know why he came to me, but he did. And now he's dead."
Connor swallowed, unsure what to say or do, until Sarah looked up at him with the question.
"What kind of terrible psychiatrist am I going to be?"
He thought hard about the answer, and when he spoke, it was as if he was trying to convince himself a bit too.
"You can't jump in and save everyone, Reese. It's just not possible."
"It's not that I didn't jump in to save him, I didn't even see he was drowning," she said with anger and full of doubt and what could Connor say to that?
He was saved from the answer though as their patient's state suddenly changed and they were both on their feet and inside the room within a moment. There was no time for doubt or self-recrimination and both Connor and Reese focused on the patient and on the thought of saving him.
Later, when they were waiting for the patient to stabilize and were deciding upon whether to operate right away or wait, Connor looked at Reese and couldn't hold it in anymore. She needed to know that she wasn't the only one that messed up and let the kid down.
"Wheeler came to me too, Reese. We had a pileup in the blizzard and a pregnant woman almost bled out. He took it hard, I had the chance to reassure him, but I didn't."
"All right, I appreciate that you're trying to make me feel better. But... it doesn't." She paused. "I better go check on Mr. Kessler."
Reese walked away and Connor wasn't sure anymore if he was trying to cheer her up for her sake or for his own. He looked around the ED and saw people going about their jobs, although there was a tension in their movements. Maggie's face was marred by weariness and sadness. Ethan's face had a seemingly permanent frown that made him look scarily dangerous. Connor also noticed Will talking with Dr. Charles and Natalie... she seemed to be in some kind of a standoff with a patient's relative, but had Sharon Goodwin by her side. Things weren't good but there wasn't much he could do about it, so he decided to focus on the one thing he could do, and that was to save his patient.
xxx
When he opened the chest and saw the slight discoloration, he knew there was something he could say to Reese that might help. Or rather, he could show it to her. So he let her be called into the OR and explained how people made mistakes, but how they also learned from them. It was an important lesson, especially for a doctor. He spoke to Reese, his eyes focused on the patient. After she nodded and left the operation room, Connor let out a sigh and finished the operation. Why did he suddenly feel like such a hypocrite?
He just told Reese they can all learn from their mistakes, but did he, really? Because this wasn't the first time he saw someone battle depression. Wasn't the first time someone he knew decided that life was just too hard or too painful. He should've seen the signs, he should've recognized them and it didn't matter that the last time he saw them was twenty years ago, when his mother decided to jump off the roof.
"When will you finally learn, Connor?" he asked himself when he was donning the surgical scrubs. Pity he didn't have an answer for that.
xxx
The morning shift finally came to its end and doctors and nurses started heading home. Some practically rushed towards the exit, hoping to see their loved ones after such a dreadful day. Others were taking it slow, wanting to stay just a bit longer, to help out maybe, but those also changed their minds when they had to face the reaction of the next shift to the news.
Sarah Reese and Daniel Charles were walking out of the hospital, side by side. After the conversation they had in Daniel's office the older psychiatrist decided it might be a good idea to head out for Molly's and commiserate with fellow colleagues over a glass of scotch. He was pretty sure there will be more familiar faces than usual and to be frank, he could use a stiff drink right about now. Reese didn't protest the idea either. She felt strangely humbled by the fact Daniel let her see his vulnerable side. She didn't want to leave him alone just now and a glass of wine sounded inviting to her as well. They were walking down the street and her sight automatically turned towards the place.
"Is that Dr. Rhodes?" she asked with a frown and nodded towards the lonely figure, standing on the sidewalk, eyes locked on the pavement and looking for all like a lost little boy. Dr. Charles looked over and grimaced. During the day he saw most of the ED docs and some nurses too. They either came after him on their own volition, just dropping a hint or two, letting some of the anguish out, or he stopped by their desk and let them talk. But through the whole day, he saw Connor only during the announcement and as soon as it finished, the guy bolted.
"Seems like him." Reese stopped in her track and looked at Daniel.
"He was trying to help me out all day," she admitted. While she didn't fully appreciate it during the shift, she was grateful for his support now. In a way, he helped her realize some things and make it through the day without falling apart.
"That's nice of him," Charles commented, watching the figure, still motionless. He might've had his differences with Connor, but those were strictly due to his own issues about Robin. He liked the man and respected him as a colleague.
"How was he?"
"Seemed fine. I kind of envied him..." Reese admitted, suddenly feeling guilty. "He acted almost as if nothing happened."
Charles nodded. For some people, it was a typical reaction. Connor probably wanted to play it though. The problem with repressed feelings, though, was that they always emerged to the surface. With a sigh, he looked at Sarah. She was biting her lips, contemplating whether she should approach the surgeon or not. Daniel decided to spare her the turmoil.
"Look, why don't you head over to Molly's? I'll speak to Connor and try to convince him to come along too. Sounds good?"
There was relief on her face and she smiled.
"Sounds great, Dr. Charles. Thanks." She gently touched his arm and left.
Daniel took a deep breath and headed towards his daughter's boyfriend.
Connor was staring at the pavement, lost in memories, when someone called his name. He didn't look up, just gave a nod in silent welcome.
"They cleaned up the blood quickly," Connor said after a moment of silence, his voice far, far away. His eyes paused at several red specks on the asphalt, but then swished away, up towards the balcony that was now closed off. "I remember there being a lot of blood when mom jumped."
He looked at Daniel then, but couldn't bear the psychiatrist's thoughtful look longer than a few seconds. He should probably stop speaking, but after holding back his emotions all day, it just wasn't possible. Not when he saw the remnants of the yellow police line flopping in the wind, not when he saw the wet patch on the pavement. It looked a bit greasy and he might've ignored it, if not for the few forgotten drops of red to the side. That sight made him fall prey to his memories.
He was back in that night when he heard the sound of something heavy hitting the ground just below his window. There was no scream, no cry... just the sound of an object swishing through air and then silence. Pretty much how a nurse described Wheeler's fall. Silence. The screaming came afterwards.
"She fell on the pavement under my window... right next to the lawn." Connor spoke but it was as if someone else was speaking. He felt detached, his body numb, as if someone else took control. There was no other explanation of why he would keep speaking.
"I remember... the pavement was cleared up within a few hours, but the lawn... the grass was red from her blood and there was no amount of cleaning... it soaked into the soil. The next day... the gardener dig up the soil and put a fresh patch of grass there, but... we didn't walk there for several months. Every time I looked out the window... I could see the blood."
Connor's eyes were misty and he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder in silent support. Biting his lips, Connor let out a deep breath then brushed at his eyes.
"I was never so happy for winter to come... for the snow to cover the lawn." Connor chuckled, but there was no humor in the sound.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't..."
"Don't apologize, Connor," Daniel stopped him, his own voice thick with emotion. "Some things just need to be said."
"And some don't," Connor retorted, clenching his hands into fists and finally able to pull his eyes away from the balcony.
"It was a though day, for everyone." Daniel said and patted his shoulder.
"Yeah. Tougher for some." There was a sudden anger in Connor's voice.
"Do they..." Connor started, then paused.
"Do they what?"
"Do they even realize what they're leaving behind?" Connor asked, feeling hurt and betrayed. "Do you think that Jason... just for a second, thought about his family? About his parents?" Connor shook his head, angry. "Do they know how much pain they cause, or they don't even care? I just... I don't get it. I think suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can do."
"I think that... it is the only moment they can be truly selfish," Daniel said thoughtfully. Connor looked at him questioningly.
"I don't understand it. He had his whole life ahead of him. He could've helped people."
"We will never know what the real issue was, Connor. It might've been clinical depression; it might've been something else. Jason made his choice and we weren't there to stop him. Like you said to Sarah today... we must learn from our mistakes."
"But I didn't learn," Connor hissed. "How many people around me will jump off the balcony or out of a window before I learn to read the signs?"
"Those situations were different, Connor," Daniel said, knowing well enough that Connor wasn't speaking just about Wheeler. "You can't think a ten year old child would be able to prevent a suicide. In the end, we can only help those that want to be helped."
Connor didn't think so, but he didn't say it out loud. Instead, he turned away from the scene and the hospital and tried to pull himself together. He was just about done pouring his feelings out and he was pretty sure that come tomorrow, he would regret that it was Daniel who was the lucky listener. Right now though, he was just grateful for a chance to let some of it off his chest.
Daniel sensed the change in the mood, touched Connor's arm and steered him away from the hospital.
"Reese and I are going to Molly's for a drink. I spoke with Robin earlier and she'll stop by as well. Would you like to join us, Dr. Rhodes?"
After a moment of silence, Connor nodded.
"I'd like that."
Daniel patted his arm with a smile and turned towards Molly's.
"Thank you," Connor uttered when they were halfway there. "For listening."
"I was just returning the favor," Daniel said, happy that there was someone else looking out for Reese too. Despite how things went today, they were a family. Albeit a slightly dysfunctional one, but a family nevertheless and when later several of them shared a drink to Jason's memory, they all wowed to be a better one and not let anyone else fall.
The End