The bell rang. Alfred Jones sprinted down the hallway waving his schedule in the air, looking like a complete idiot.
"Kiku! Kiku! We're in the same class!" he shouted, chasing his Japanese friend.
Kiku jumped in surprise. "Yes, I looked as the roster as well. We both have English, geography, health, and gym this semester." He shuddered when he remembered they had the same classes next semester, too. There's no way Alfred could possibly be in his honors math or physics classes, he told himself…
Alfred gave him a spine crushing bear hug. "This term is going to be awesome!"
"Apparently you haven't looked at who your teachers are."
His heart sank as he read the list. "Mr. Kirkland, English. Mr. Wang, geography. Mr. Bonnefoy, health. And Coach Braginski for gym. Dangit, they all suck."
"It's not so bad. So, Mr. Kirkland hates you, Mr. Wang is an egotistical he-she, Mr. Bonnefoy is a pedophile, and Coach Braginski wants to rape and or kill everyone in the school. It could be much worse."
"I don't see how it could be worse."
"You could be Matthew or something."
"You're right, at least I'm not Matthew," Alfred said as Matthew was thrown across the corridor by a random person.
The two students ambled into the classroom. They took a pair of desks in the back of the room and as they were unpacking their stuff their teacher appeared out of no where and said "Don't drop you crap yet. I'm assigning seats."
He conveniently placed Kiku in the far back where he could read manga undetected. Alfred, however, got the sit at the naughty table on the front wall, with his back to the class. He hadn't even done anything yet.
Mr. Kirkland started showing a powerpoint on his rules form the projector.
"Rule number one: no food, drinks, gum, testing, listening to music, sleeping, stripping, making out, or comments on my eyebrows.
Rule number two: no comments on my eyebrows.
Rule number three: clothes must be kept on at all times. This includes pants.
Rule number four: you may not go to the bathroom during my class. Nor are you allowed to go in your pants because it ruins the floor."
As he was saying this, Alfred was doing immature things behind his back such as giving him bunny ears and making inappropriate gestures, much to the amusement of the class.
"Hey can I go to the bathroom?" interrupted Elizabeta.
"Did I not just say that you can't go to the bathroom during class?" replied Mr. Kirkland.
"No."
"Fine. Just go."
She picked up her purse and headed for the door.
Gilbert laughed a fake and obnoxious laugh. "Going to take care of some womanly things, huh, Elizabeta?"
"Actually I was going to text but it would be awkward to walk out only holding my phone."
She did not return for the rest of the period.
In the next class, Mr. Wang was much less strict. In fact he was eating a bagel when they came in.
Once again Alfred and Kiku took seas in the rear of the room. Kiku fell asleep almost immediately when Mr. Wang said that they were starting a section on the geography of China.
"This is the Yangtzee river," he said, pointing to a squiggly line on the map.
"There's a Yatzee river?" asked Alfred.
"It's actually the Yantzee river."
"Yatzee?"
"Yangtzee, imbecile. Anyway, this is the—"
"Don't they kill babies in China?"
Mr. Wan gave him a displeased look. "Go to the principal's office."
"We have a principal?"
Mr. Wang threw a pen at him.
Alfred left the room with a satisfied expression on his face. Their principal, Dr. Rome, was cool and would defiantly tell him if they killed babies in China.
Since Alfred was busy being in trouble, he missed half of his next class. But when he did arrive, he slammed open the door and saw that Mr. Bonnefoy had already started teaching. And he wasn't wearing clothes.
"Glad you could join us, Mr. Jones. We were just getting started on our lesson on anatomy," he said.
Across the room, Kiku mouthed "Help me."
Alfred joined him at the table, claiming an empty seat. "That jerk Mr. Wang gave me homework out the textbook. I'm only on question two. Do you know the answer to this?"
Kiku examined the question using his azn brainpower. "'Which of the following…' Kay that's too long. Put Scandinavia."
"Is Scandinavia a country?"
"How should I know? Just put it."
And so Alfred wrote that Scandinavia has the highest infant mortality rate in Africa.
"What about this one?"
"It's central Asia so if you make something up and add –stan to the end no one will know."
"Okay. How about 'Hamistan'?"
"'Hamistan?' You couldn't think of anything more convincing that 'Hamistan'?"
"I'm hungry okay."
Peter raised his hand and asked, "Mr. Bonnefoy, what is sex?"
"Well, sex is—" Then the bell rang and everyone ran to lunch, trampling Poland.
Alfred, Kiku, Yong Soo, Elizabeta, Roderich, Ludwig, Feliciano, and Natalia were all crammed uncomfortably into a booth made for four people while Peter tried to sit on the end but he could only fit half of his butt because there was no room. Then he opened his bottle of Diet Coke but it exploded all over everything. He proceeded to band his head on the table.
"I think we have too many friends," said Elizabeta who was sitting on Roderich and eating his lunch.
"This sucks major balls. I'm going to o eat with Coach Branginski," said Natalia.
"He lets students eat lunch in his room?" asked Kiku.
"I have his keys."
Meanwhile, Ivan had a strange feeling that something bad was going to happen.
"Speaking of Coach Branginski, I wonder what we're doing in PE today?" Kiku wondered aloud.
"I hope we play basketball!" Alfred cheered.
"Says the freakishly tall guy. What are us unathletic midgets supposed to do?"
"Well you're teensy so I can pick you up so you can make a basket."
"That was never the issue."
Elizabeta tapped Natalia on the shoulder. "Do you have any special foundation? I fixed my eyeliner in first period but Ineed some foundation just in case."
"You're makeup looks fine to me. Oh you meant a pad! Yeah, I have some. I also have some special mascara if you need any."
"What are you talking about? What's special mascara?"
"What are you talking about?"
They decided to ignore the miscommunication and Natalia just gave her the yellow package. THIS IS WHY GIRL SPEAK IS POINTLESS EVEN GIRLS DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
The rest of their lunch was awkward. Kiku flung some salad with his fork because no one was talking. Then the bell rang and everyone trampled Poland who was eating some burnt pizzatas.
As it turned out, they actually were playing basketball. No one could find Mr. Braginski, so they just went to the locker rooms to get changed.
Kiku was appalled when everyone started stripping. "I think I'm going to change in the shower…" he said to himself.
There was a line at the showers because apparently Kiku wasn't the only one with qualms over people seeing his Pikachu underwear. But being an awkward young man he had his mind set on changing in private.
So then everyone left the locker room wearing gym shorts and t-shirts except for Feliciano who forgot to put his on. The girls joined them and Peter died of a nosebleed because Natalia was wearing booty shorts and a skin tight babydoll top. With a butter fly on it. A pink butterfly. OF MANLINESS.
Coach Brainski slid down a rope dangling for the ceiling. "Hello students," he said, "Welcome to gym class. I am Coach Braginski. I see you've all changed clothes. So now you all need to lie on the floor so we can stretch and stuff. And why isn't that one wearing pants?"
Everyone turned to look at Feliciano, who didn't have the slightest idea what he'd done wrong.
Kiku raised his hand. "Coach? My religion required that I meditate once a day. May I go sit in the bleachers for a while?"
"Well I wouldn't want the wrath of your Shinto gods or something. You are excused."
He sat down on the bench and pulled his Nintendo DS from his bookbag.
Later, Coach Braginski asked how he was doing.
"Great. I just got to level six."
"level six?"
"Of… um… enlightenment."
"Well good for you."
At the end of the class, the bell rang before they had a chance to change clothes. So as everyone was putting on their jeans and Aeropostale shirts, the people without cars were moaning about how they were going to miss the bus.
"I can't believe I have detention!" Alfred complained.
"You have detention? Why?" asked Kiku.
"I don't know Mr. Kirkland just told me to go to it."
"Oh. Sucks for you."
Mr. Kirkland had gone missing so Coach Braginski was doing detention instead. Alfred opened the door and saw him with his ear against the wall and a perverted grin on his face.
"Coach? What are you doing?" Alfred asked.
"Listening through the wall to see what Mr. Wang is doing. Would you like to join me?"
It was going to be a long detention. A long detention indeed.
A/N: I somehow missed a bunch of typos caused by my keyboard's inablily to type the letter G. I'm pretty sure I got all of them now. Chapter two is on the way!