Lessons from Boorman

Noah Puckerman followed one very simple rule when it came to loyalty in relationships. Despite Puck's unashamed Judaism, this rule came from a letter from one of the Third Reich's most prominent Nazis, Martin Boorman, to one of his many girlfriends and mistresses.

That rule was as follows: "A man can have several women, but a woman can belong to only one man."

Had he understood what the words sexist and misogynistic meant, he probably would have recognised them within such a belief. But, as a self-proclaimed 'badass', he did not worry himself in such matters as language and school, preferring to turn up for football practice and the classes with the mildly attractive female teachers.

And so it was, in his sophomore year, having so far conquered all but one of McKinley High School's Cheerios cheerleading squad, that Noah Puckerman found himself in the bed of Quinn Fabray – that squad's captain, the girlfriend of his best friend, President of McKinley's Celibacy Club – with his hand on her thigh and their lips connected. It was settled; they were going to do 'it'. Puck was going to take her virginity.

Had he known it would be Quinn who would be the next lucky lady to experience a ride on Puckersaurus he probably would've been more prepared. Puck couldn't explain it, or why, but he had always had a soft spot for this blonde cheerleader. Even before she had begun dating his best friend about three months ago – a severe blow to Puck's usually overflowing confidence, leading for him to begin dating cheerleader Santana Lopez, with whom he was now growing tired – he had liked her. He had always held doors open for her, smiled like a dumbass when she passed by: things no other girl had ever enjoyed from him. Was it love? He didn't know. Puck loved his family and that was it. Right? The longest he had ever loved a girl was the time it took for him to blow his load (which, when compared with his best friend Finn, was a reasonably long time).

It had all started just two hours previously. Following his self-governing rules of 'Badassness', Puck had decided not to turn up to Spanish class. As a result, he had to suffer an hour's detention after school with Mr Schuester, a man who was too preoccupied blatantly flirting with Miss Pillsbury, the school's guidance councillor, whom reminded the mohawked boy is an orangutan that he had once seen at the zoo on a fieldtrip to Columbus, to give Puck anything to do during this detention. One thing the boy did know about Mr Schuester, however, was that he had a hot wife. Had the Schuesters' owned a pool, it was probable he would've got the chance to clean out not only the pool itself but Mrs Schuester also. Puck prided himself on not only having conducted a sexual congress with every girl on the Cheerios, but also having slowly but surely slept his way around the pool-owning housewives of Lima, of which there totalled about ten. Even so, that was ten more women than Finn had ever slept with in his life.

At the end of his hour's detention, Puck faced the dreaded wrath of football Coach Ken Tenaka, whose hour of much-needed practice he had missed to go to his detention with Schuester. See? This was why school sucked. He mentally made a note of not attending any further classes that required him to speak in a language other than English. He had also decided that algebra counted as a separate language, which cancelled out math and geometry right off. This, thought Puck, was the way he would make his way in the world. By cleverly reducing his workload to an absolute minimum, thus cancelling out any unnecessary work. All whilst touching as many boobs as he could. It was genius. He was sure he should be made, like, the President or whatever.

After a good ten minutes of ranting from Coach Tanaka, who seemed to increasingly look more like a shaved panda bear that had been the victim of some awful experiment, and was now recovering in panda rehab, Puck was sentenced to ten laps of the running field, which he reluctantly agreed to on the condition that the Coach Tanaka have his long-needed breast reduction, a request that was met with nothing less than pure hatred from the balding football coach. As a reward for what Puck had thought was a remarkably funny quip – as was everything he did, in his own mind – with an extra five laps of the running track. Sighing, Puck got changed into a simple black wifebeater vest, which loudly announced 'WMHS ATHELTICS DEPARTMENT' on the back, and some basketball shorts. Under the careful supervision of Coach Tanaka, who in all honesty seemed to be more interested in a black patch of liquid that had mysteriously appeared around the crotch of his own sport shorts (much to Puck's initial amusement, then disgust), Puck ran five, then ten laps of the track. Panting somewhat, he looked over in an appeal to the football coach, who had disappeared without trace – probably off to find the aforementioned orangutan over whom he fawned, much in the same way Puck (far too often for his own liking) found himself fawning over his best friend's girlfriend. As he looked around in an attempt to find his football coach, hand raised dramatically over his brow, as if he was searching in the desert, his eyes fell upon Quinn Fabray. His lips immediately curled up into that same toothy, dopey grin that always surfaced as he simply watched her, currently mid-conversation with Coach Sylvester. The rest of the Cheerios were nowhere to be seen along with Coach Tanaka, leaving just Puck, Quinn, and the terrifying proto-lesbian that was the cheerleading coach on the field.

He continued to watch from across the field as Coach Sylvester raised her voice, causing Puck to catch only the words 'fat' and 'pyramid', before the tracksuit-donning woman strode off, leaving Quinn all alone. Puck was about to head back into the locker room before Coach Tanaka could re-appear when he noticed Quinn's expression. It was one of pain. She looked sad. This is your chance, he told himself, and before he knew it Puck was striding over to the blonde girl, her knight in shining armour. As Puck approached, Quinn sniffed and looked at him, nudging her nose with her knuckle gently. Puck offered her a small smile as he reached her.

"Uh... hey, Quinn." Puck spoke uncharacteristically humbly.

"Hey Puck." The blonde replied, through well-hidden tears. She swallowed thickly after speaking those two words.

"Are... are you okay?" He inquired, an eyebrow raised questioningly.

"Yeah." Quinn replied confidently, pushing back the urge to cry. "I'm fine, thanks. Coach Sylvester was just…" She trailed off, involuntarily resting a hand on her stomach for a second.

Puck nodded slowly, unconvinced. "Okay… well do you need a lift home?" His voice had a hopeful, optimistic tone to it.

Quinn then looked up at him through teary eyes, pausing for a moment before she replied. "Uh… yeah. Thanks. My dad bought me a new one, but…" She shrugged. "It's not gonna be ready for a week or so."

Puck grinned triumphantly, nodding in approval of her reply. Thank god for Quinn's dad and his car-purchasing timing, he thought to himself. "Okay." He nodded once more. "Lemme just go change, okay? I'll meet you by my truck in the parking lot."

And with that, it was done. He was going to take her home. Noah Puckerman was going to be within yards of Quinn Fabray's bed. As he walked back to the locker room, Puck made a promise to himself: either he would get into Quinn's panties tonight, or die trying. And from what Finn had told him, Puck figured he would most probably die at the hands of Quinn's father, Russell Fabray, whom he had heard wouldn't let his daughter associate with anyone who was not a registered Republican, never mind a 'thieving Jew' like Puck himself.

Puck got changed faster than he ever had before. Half-showering (Hey, he was gonna get all hot and bothered in not too much time, so what was the point in showering for too long?) after his run, he quickly pulled a different, white wifebeater on, as well as his jeans. He would've put a jacket on too, but he knew he'd need to show off everything he had to offer to get into Quinn's bed, and so decided to put his well-defined biceps on display. Santana had fallen for them, as had Brittany – why would Quinn be any different? he reasoned as he walked back out to the parking lot, mentally preening his own arm muscles before he saw Quinn, waiting by his truck.

"Hey, Puck." She said gratefully. "Thanks for this. My mom and dad… they're away, and Finn's at that stupid glee club he joined-"

Puck cut her off. "Ugh, tell me about it. What does he think he's doing? Hanging out with those losers?"

Quinn smiled as she realized he was sympathetic to her, that smile that meant Puck couldn't decide if he wanted to marry her or get a boner. "I know! And he doesn't understand how it's stressing me out. With school, and the Cheerios, I don't have time to be dating some glee loser."

He nodded sympathetically. "Is that what you were upset about earlier? Stress and stuff?" Puck unlocked his truck and climbed up into the driver's seat as Quinn climbed into the passenger one.

The cheerleader shrugged as she settled down in her seat. "Kinda. And Coach Sylvester said I was..." She trailed off. "Never mind."

The mohawked boy could tell she wanted to say it and glanced over at her carefully, watching Quinn's face as she pull her seatbelt on. "What?" he asked. "What did she say?"

Quinn took a deep breath, resting her hands in her lap and glancing down at them before replying in almost a whisper, murmuring her reply. "She said I was getting fat."

Puck remained silent, unsure how to reply. Sure, Quinn had put on a little weight – but that was good, at least now she didn't look like a stick, as did Brittany or Santana. Shut up, he told himself. Chicks don't dig being told that they've gotten fat. That was something he had learned the hard way.

Quinn noticed his silence and elaborated. "She said that if I put on anymore weight that they wouldn't be able to hoist me up to the top of the pyramid." The blonde swallowed, biting her lip as she glanced down.

The boy sighed lightly and shook his head, resting one hand on the steering wheel of his truck. "Quinn... don't listen to her. You're beautiful. You're not fat."

Those three words were like crack to Quinn, and hit her like a bullet. She couldn't get enough of them, not that she heard them very often. Finn never told her that she wasn't fat. Especially not recently, anyway. He was far too busy with his 'glee club'. Right now all she needed was to be told that she wasn't fat. She was willing to do anything to be told so. And was willing to be told so by whomever.

The blonde girl glanced over at Puck approvingly, biting her lip a little, and with a kind look in her eyes. "You really think so?" She asked.

Immediately Puck nodded, taking note of how well she responded. "Yeah… I mean you're not fat. Not at all." He shook his head almost as fast as he had nodded it.

One again. Those three words. She could get used to this. Quinn offered him a sweet smile, biting back a grin that shone on the inside. "Thanks…" She murmured innocently.

Without another word, Puck pulled on his own seatbelt and started the engine, it roared to life before he glanced over at her. "You live on Dudley Road, right?"

"Yeah." She nodded and then furrowed her brow slightly. "How do you know where I live?"

Puck's jaw fell slightly in surprise and he immediately thought up an excuse. "Oh, uh… Finn mentioned it coupla times." He nodded, then lips pursed. "That's all."

Quinn furrowed her brow slightly but then nodded, reasoning that that had been a good enough excuse. Her smiled returned as Puck started driving, and she couldn't help but notice Puck's impressive biceps, which were blatantly on-show thanks to his wifebeater vest. The girl blushed, biting her lip as she found her eyes continuously being drawn back to Puck's muscles time and time again. Finn had nothing like that. His arms were like tree trunks. Thick, pale, hairy tree trunks. Quinn found she much preferred Puck's arms. But what was she thinking? She had a boyfriend, Finn – Puck's best friend –, who loved her. She didn't need Puck and his big arms. The boy himself interrupted her thoughts of Puck's muscles.

"Uh… Quinn? Can I ask you a personal question?" He asked as he drove.

Uh-oh. She thought. Here comes an insulting question that would make her hate Puck. Quinn simply nodded for him to proceed.

Puck opened his mouth for a moment before speaking, as if he was choosing his words carefully. In truth, he had been planning this situation for weeks. "Are you… a virgin?"

Quinn openly scoffed at the question and raised her eyes questioningly as she looked over at Puck, any hint of fondness for Puck now drained from her face. "What? Am I a virgin? I'm the President of the Celibacy Club, Puck. Of course I'm a virgin." She rolled her eyes and folded her arms. "Why would you even ask that?"

His breath hitched and he bit his lip, pretending to be nervous. In truth, he had been planning this very conversation for weeks, and had told himself that he was willing to lie to get what he wanted. Puck licked over his lips quickly and "Oh… it's just, uh… it's just Finn. He told all us guys about how you let him… well, he used the word 'bang', you. He kinda made you seem like a slut." Puck lied through his teeth, his tone sincere. He had perfected this skill a million times, persuading girl after girl into bed.

Quinn was silent as she processed this information. Her face drained of all color and she bit her lip, thinking over what Puck had just said. Surely it couldn't be true? she thought to herself. Not sweet little Finn? The boy she had whipped like a slave? "That isn't true." She said, trying to make her voice sound firm, and failing miserably. "Why would he do that?" Quinn snapped.

"Why would I make that up?" Puck replied simply as he drove, glancing at her with a knowing look.

Quinn sighed, and moved her hand up to play with the crucifix necklace around her neck – something she always did when she was anxious. She pushed back all the anger that bubbled up inside her, figuring that it was unfair to unleash it upon Puck. Don't shoot the messenger, she told herself. She closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them, feeling Puck was watching her. "I… well we didn't." She shook her head. "I'm a virgin. And I will be, for a while now." He shook her head in disbelief. "Finn will not be getting to take my virginity. Not for a very long time."

He simply nodded, trying not to hide his excitement upon hearing that. Puck waited about a minute before replying, before planting seeds of doubt and anxiety in her head. "You deserve better than him, y'know. He's a jerk. A douchebag." Puck succeeded in hiding how much fun he was having in saying this. "He doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much better than him."

To Quinn, Puck was simply reiterating things he had thought to herself, but had tried to ignore. She knew how stupid Finn could be. On their first date asked her if the second 'N' in 'Quinn' was silent. But she loved him… right? He was good to her. Well, he certainly wasn't bad to her. Or so she had thought. "I don't know what you mean." She tried to stop herself from agreeing with the mohawked boy.

Puck knew she was crumbling and was more than ready to help put her back together when she did. He asked her a simple question. "When was the last time he told you that you were beautiful?"

Quinn now bit down harder on her lip, trying with all her being to remember a time within the last week when Finn had told her that. To her heartbreak, she couldn't. Her boyfriend had not told her that she was beautiful in her memory. Fighting back tears as they threatened to sting her eyes, Quinn shook her head slightly. "I… I don't know. I can't remember."

The boy gave her a sympathetic look as he turned onto the road. "Yeah, that's what I thought." He thought for a moment, two words playing on his mind as he drove. "Well… you are." Puck uttered the sentence out, as quiet as he was sincere.

Quinn was shocked by his words, but accepted them nonetheless. She didn't reply, choosing instead to shift uncomfortably in her seat as Puck pulled up into the driveway outside her large house. He noted that her parents were not home as his truck rolled to a stop. "Uh… okay. Here y'are." Puck said quietly. "I hope you're gonna be alr-"

The blonde girl cut him off before he could finish his sentence. She knew what she was asking was stupid, and that she would regret it almost immediately, but right now she just needed someone. Anyone. She needed someone who would tell her she wasn't fat, that she was beautiful. Someone who could and was willing to make her feel good. Puck had proven himself to be up to this task already, and if he was the guy for the job, then so be it. "Please stay the night." She blurted out, cutting the boy off. "Please… just… don't go. I don't want to be alone." The desperation in her voice was obvious, and would have made Puck feel guilty had he not been faced with the prospect of having sex with the utterly perfect girl.

"Of course." He responded, holding back his inner triumphant grin with startling profession. "That's no problem at all."