A/N This was inspired by Florence + The Machines Never let me go. I just felt like Kate walked away from Castle too easily in the end of 8x07 and this is an A/U based on that.
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing over me
And the questions I have for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean deliver me
Deliver me
Never let me go, never let me go
Kate sighed as she looked at the message on her phone signalling the official end to their time in. She mustered up a smile, walked over to Castle and gave him a chaste kiss. She was proud of her unwavering voice and how it didn't crack at the end, unlike her heart.
Yeah, the time in was a bad idea. She missed coming home to him and feeling safe and secure in his embrace. She longed for him and she still felt the ghost of his lips on her skin marking her as if to warn others that she was taken. That she belonged to him.
She just wanted to go back and cuddle. Her heart belonged here and it wanted to stay. She just wanted her husband. For it to all be okay.
Bringing herself to leave, to walk out again after this, after knowing how hard it actually was to walk away and watch as he constantly found ways to be close to her in a misguided attempt to win her back, killed her. Because if she was being honest, Richard Castle has a hold on her heart that no one else did and she was hopelessly and irretrievably in love with him. He had no business winning her heart back because it was and will always be his.
Her bed at the room she was renting felt huge and the emptiness of the space matched the one she felt coming home. She was hurting and it was all her fault.
Her passion and fire for solving the case and bringing justice was burning her from the inside out. She was like a can of gasoline in love with a match that was the case.
She slipped her feet into her shoes and willed herself to walk to the door. "One foot in front of the other Kate. One foot in front of the other. Just keep walking, it's for the best." She ordered herself to move.
Her hand gripped the handle of the door- their door. Could she really bring herself to walk out again? To leave Castle behind to chase some mystery figure that she's not even sure why she's chasing anymore?
"Kate.. You're still here."
She takes a deep breath and refuses to turn around. The last thing she needs is to look at him and his blue eyes, probably wondering what she was doing having a staring match with the door. She couldn't bear to see the worried and wounded look on his face because she knows that if she does, she won't leave. If he asks her to stay, she would.
"Kate" he turns her around to face him. She avoids looking up hoping her hair will curtain her face.
"Kate, you're crying. What's wrong?" he notices. He always notices the little things about her.
Was she crying? It barely even registered that tears were running down her face. The burn in her heart made it hard to notice much of anything else really.
"Castle, I can't.. I can't.. I just can't bring myself to walk out the door and not come back. I just.." she admits in a moment of weakness, his concerned tone getting to her.
He had a way of making her talk. A skill no one else had, not even her father after she was caught doing something she shouldn't as a teen.
"Then don't. Stay Kate. Whatever it is you feel like you need to work through, we can do it together, you and me. We can make this work. Stay Kate. "
"Castle, I can't. It's not that simple. I really need space right now"
Could he hear how lame those words sounded? They felt hollow and vacant and she hated herself each time she uttered those words. Space, it was the one thing he was good at giving her before but it was also what was killing her.
"Why Kate? Why? It's obviously killing you to leave so why are you torturing yourself? Why do you need to walk out that door? Why can't we work this out together? We've been through so much together. Operational word together. "
"Castle, I love you. I've never loved this strongly or fiercely before and I will do anything to keep you safe, even if it means leaving you behind. I need to do this. I really need to walk out this door "
She gives him more of an honest answer. If he keeps looking at her like that; with a gaze that displayed nothing but tenderness she would not be able to leave.
"Why do you need to do this Kate? I don't understand. I love you Kate, like a house on fire. I can't be without you and clearly neither can you. Stay Kate. We can fix this together." he pleads as he hears her phone ring.
She glances at her phone gripped tightly in her hands and answers it tensely. All he hears is the conversation from her side.
"What? Yes, I'm coming. I just need to do something first okay? I know. I know. I said I. Got. It."
"Castle, I love you. I will always love you and this has nothing to do with you. It's me." she says once she ended the call.
She hopes that this will help him understand that he has done nothing wrong. That it'll show him that he will always have her heart.
"Really Kate? You're going to walk out of here and use the most cliched it's not you it's me line? Don't I deserve more? You're my wife and I pledged for better or worse. Let me be here for you"
"Rick," she says while running her fingers along the side of her face. I have to go" she whispers.
"Kate don't do this"
"I'm sorry but this is for the best. I love you Richard Castle. I always will."
"Then why are you giving up on our marriage? On me? Kate, you can tell me anything. Please do not do whatever it is you're doing and going through alone. I'm here Beckett. You're not alone. Please let me in"
She lifts her eyes to meet his and they provide a window to his soul. She sees the confusion and pain unmasked behind the unusually dark pair of cobalt eyes. She isn't sure if he can see the pain and regret that coloures hers.
He sees the reluctance in her eyes. He takes her into his arms and she melts in his touch as her knees buckle. She always felt safe when his arms were wrapped around her body like an anchor, grounding her. He hears her gasping breath as she tries to fill her lungs with enough air in between her wrecked sobs and feels her body trembling in his embrace.
He whispers his love for her ears only and reassures her that he's here. He repeats it over and over again until her sobs finally die down to silent weeping and all that's left are a few sniffles, blood shot eyes and tear tracks painted onto her face. He allows her to pull him to his office. Where she goes is where he'll follow. Always.
She here, she's staying and fighting for them. They'll make whatever this is work. They always do. He's absolutely certain of that.
I'm going under
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in
She sighs and tells him everything.