"Hey Mark!" I called. My costar from an endless amount of plays turned to look at me, his stunning features so handsome even in the old flickering lights of the hallway. He smiled at me, and I practically choked up, just looking at that dazzling bright smile. "Hey Tanya, what's up?" he asked, in that friendly husky tone I'd loved since I first spoke to him. For a moment, I forgot what I was going to say, but then I snapped back. "Oh, I just wanted to show you the song I prepared for an upcoming audition." I told him, smiling. His brow furrowed sweetly. "What audition, did I miss something?" he asked. I mentally gasped. I totally had forgotten I'd not told him! "Oh, I was invited to audition for HSPVA." I blushed, hoping I didn't sound like a snob. His beautiful deep blue eyes widened. "Really? That's amazing! So you'd go there instead of here? Wow, I'm jealous! What a great experience that would be!" He exclaimed, beaming excitedly. My heart ached. Didn't he realize my only hesitation against going to this great performing arts school was leaving him? Then again, I thought, maybe I should go. At least then he'd feel something for me, even if it's because he missed his best friend. I sighed. That's all I'd ever been to him; just the best friend who was always around to chat, and the costar who was always ready to rehearse. I forced a smile. "Yeah, I was ecstatic when I got the letter. They don't usually invite people to audition." He nodded vigorously, and then continued talking about the stories he'd heard of the great performers coming out of that school, the careers taking flight from one life-changing performance. We got into the auditorium, and he sat down in the director's chair at the edge of the stage. I took my place center stage, and closed my eyes, thoughts directed towards him, "This is my last message to you. Please please PLEASE hear it!" and then I began.

On my own, pretending he's beside me,
All alone, I walk with him til morning.
Without him, I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.

As I sang the Les Mis song, I thought of it's personal meaning, the one I'd first connected to when I'd started liking Mark. All those years of him being so close to me, but not close enough, when I'd just sit and daydream about him being mine.

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver,
All the lights are misty in the river.
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me forever and forever.

When I'd first heard this verse, I'd decided to give it a try, going on a nighttime walk to clear my head. But (surprise surprise), all I could think of was him.

And I know, it's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself, and not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say, there's a way for us.
This is when the tears started flowing down my cheeks. Eponine had once said, "Every word that he says is a dagger in me." And I knew exactly how she felt. I'd been so lucky to even be his close friend, but that made it all the more painful when he stood before me, totally oblivious to my feelings for him, so heartbreakingly beautiful and unattainable.

I love him, but when the night is over,
He is gone.
The river's just a river.
Without him, the world around me changes,
The trees are bear and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.

I made eye contact with him when I said, "I love him" and when he smiled encouragingly, I tried to pour out my heart in this song, singing like I never had before. And this verse too was a truth in my eyes, for my whole world was filled with light and happiness when he was with me. When he wasn't, it changed back to what it really was; cool and bleak.

I love him, but everyday I'm learning,
That all my life, I've only been pretending!
Without me, his world would go on turning,
A world that's full of happiness,
That I have never known!

I had recently realized how stupid I'd been, spending so much time wishing for something that would never be. If I did manage to wrench myself away to HSPVA, I don't know how I'd cope, for life without him in it seemed to be impossible to live. Sure, he'd be happy; he had plenty of friends, a beautiful, popular girlfriend, and a great future ahead of him, but I don't know what I was going to do if I couldn't see him anymore. I had to close my eyes, for the tears were overflowing them, and I hit the last note with a perfectly strong verbrato, and then I looked him right in the eyes and finished, "I love him...I love him...I love y-" then, mortified, quickly corrected myself. "him, but only on my own." I'd just been so lost in his eyes, so moved by the huge smile on his face, that I'd subconciously started singing what I was truly thinking. "I love you." he gave me a standing ovation before hopping onto the stage and giving me a big bear hug. My breath caught in my throat. Did he understand? Was this his acceptance to what I'd just told him? "That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. You were incredible! You might as well not audition." He grinned. My smile must have been eager enough to urge him on. "And..." he started. "Yes?" I asked, grin growing with each passing second. "Just remember not to falter in that last 'I love him'. You need to finish strong." He flashed a quick smile. I would say my heart had shattered into a million pieces, but I no longer had it with me. I'd given it to him in that song, and he'd mistook my accidentally out loud "I love you" for a...mistake. I had to fight to keep from running out sobbing, but a few tears still escaped my eyes. "What's wrong?" He asked, the way a brother would ask a sister. "Nothing, I'm just glad you liked it." I lied. Just the excruciatingly painful realization that no matter much I wish, no matter how long I dream, no matter how hard I try, I will never get you to see how much I love you. My mind screamed at him. "So you're a Les Mis fan then!" he questioned, And I nodded, a weak, forced smile sitting painfully like shards of glass on my lips. "Do you know 'A Little Fall of Rain?" he asked, excitedly. I could again only nod, wishing to leave right then and there and save myself from the hurt, but he'd already started singing.

"Good God, what are you doing? Ponine, have you no fear? Have you seen my beloved? Why have you come back here?"

"Took the letter like you said, I met her father at the door. He said that he would give it, I don't think I can stand anymore." I answered, shakily at first, but then just trying to forget the hurt and lose myself in the song.

"Eponine, what's wrong? There's something wet upon your hair, Eponine, you're hurt you need some help, Oh God, it's everywhere!"

"Don't you fret, Mssr. Marius, I don't feel any pain. A little fall of rain, could hardly hurt me now..." I continued, and soon found myself sinking to the ground, completely getting into character. He caught in quickly, and kneel to kneel beside me.

"Just hold me now, and let it be. Shelter me, comfort me..."

At this point, he indeed put his arms around me, and I found myself overjoyed and depressed at the same time. This was Maruis to Eponine, not Mark to Tanya. He would never hold me like this if he wasn't performing. We continued to sing in gorgeous harmony, and I tried to mentally record every second of it's breathtaking splendor. We were on the last and most heart wrenching verse, when suddenly a shrill voice called out, "Ooooo I think I know this one!" It was Carmen, Marks's REAL girlfriend. Her eyes fell upon his arms around me, and they narrowed, face souring for the shortest second before returning to her usual sickening cheeriness. She began to sing in that squeaky, ear piercing, try-hard voice, "A night bright as day!" I rolled my eyes. A Little Fall of Rain and A Heart Full of Love, the song she's started belting, didn't even sound alike in the slightest. Mark laughed, saying, "Not quite babe, but, 'and you must never go away! Cosette, Cosette!" and with that the walked towards each other, singing all the way the famous duet. The embraced, and kissed before continuing with, "A heart full of love..." and, with new angiushed tears escaping my eyes, I sang quietly to myself, "He was never mine to lose.."

"A heart full of you.."
"Why regret what cannot be?"
"A single look, and then I knew.."
"These are words he'll never say..."
"I knew it too!"
"Not to me.."
"From today..."
"Not to me..."
"And every day..."
"Not to me..."
And then they kissed once more and just kept talking and laughing, walking out of the auditorium, apparently completely forgetting they were not alone, Mark forgetting the song we'd just shared. I now knew on a whole new level how Eponine must have felt watching Marius kiss Cosette, not her, even after all she'd done for him. I closed my eyes and began walking slowly towards the door, head hanging low as I finished with, "His heart full of love, he will never feel this way..."