My Life as a Rock!
A.K.A The Most Boring Autobiography Ever.
By: Jake Wright "Rocks truly just fascinate me!"
Hello. My name is Gneissly Gneissly. I am a metamorphic rock. I will wait for something to happen… Someone just stepped on me… Oww! Here's a joke, Why did the sedimentary rock go through heat and pressure? To become metamorphic rock. Why aren't you laughing? You must have heard that one before. I never sleep so I can talk to you all night. Let's tell stories. Scary stories…and then, the igneous rock found he had weathered and eroded and then went through compaction and cementation to become sedimentary rock so he…
Whew! It sure is hot. You don't feel it? I think I'm meeelllltttiinnnnng. Oh no! I must be going through the rock cycle! I'm magma. I know all too well I will cool and become igneous rock. Well for now I'll just go with the flow. Right? You have no sense of humor! I do have a little time to enjoy being magma. Oh darn. I'm hardening. Can no longer flow. I am becoming one of those igneous brats. I never liked them. Darn I'm igneous now. That doesn't mean we can't still talk. So then I'm all like… I'm a foliated rock naturally. You were painted. Then she's all like…
I knew this was coming. I am starting to get weathered and eroded. Sighhh! At least I'm getting closer to becoming metamorphic rock again. But before that I must become sedimentary rock. I am now mostly sediments. Whee! It should be a while before I go through cementation and compaction so I will be a sedimentary rock. Whoa! Slowly, all my pieces are getting tighter and sticking together. Slowly building up like a five thousand piece puzzle. You know, the kind no one buys. Well, I guess I'm sedimentary rock now. I don't feel very different. Then again, I never really felt anything. I just like saying ow when people step on me. I can tell you every one who's ever stepped on my face like when Lindsey Lohan did. Here, I'll go in order. One thousand nine hundred and ninety-five years a go the thirteen year old Jesus stepped on me. Then…
So then… Whew! Yeesh. Someone please turn on the A.C.! Get me an aspirin too! There's so much pressure in here…Yes! Finally! I'm going through heat and pressure to return to my original metamorphic shape. In a while, I'll be metamorphic again! Gneissly Gneissly, a metamorphic geezer once more! Now to wait silently…
"Finally he shut his pie hole!" I exclaimed.
Well you could have asked, you know. I would have been quiet then! The author then bangs his head on the wall knowing he could have had a single peaceful moment in the past. Well Jake, you'll get over it. Anyway, then Gneissly Gneissly transformed into a metamorphic rock again. He then lived happily until he went through the rock cycle again.