Twilight Spoof
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!
(James sniffs air, realizes there is a hint of human in it. He inhales deeply)
James- You brought a snack.
(All vampires become defensive around Bella)
Carlisle- She's with us.
(James becomes frustrated over the hunger he feels. He can't control his emotions)
James- I WANT A SNACK!
(Awkward silence)
(Laurent rustles through pockets and finds an apple. He brings it out and holds it like they do on the cover of the book, in cupped hands)
Laurent (Quietly) - I brought an apple?
(James roughly smacks the apple out of his hands and it rolls silently on the ground. Everyone stares at it. Jasper looking even more constipated than usual.)
James- I DON'T WANT AN APPLE! I want that human over there!
Laurent- But we just agreed to not attack her!
James- That's what you always say before we eat the human!
Laurent- You weren't supposed to say that!
Victoria- Well this is just plain peachy!
James- Yes she is like a peach all juicy and plump!
Victoria and Laurent- JAMES!
James- What? Can't I express my feelings for the human in a peachy way?
Jasper- He's right. You do look like a peach!
(All eyes on Jasper)
Jasper- I'll go back to being constipated now.
(All eyes back on the Trio)
(Laurent brings out a bunch of peaches from [what looks like] his pocket)
Laurent (Joyfully)- I brought peaches!
Victoria- Wow, Laurent, how did you fit all of those peaches in your pocket?
Laurent- Oh...those weren't in my pocket.
Victoria-Laurent!
Jasper- Victoria!
Carlisle (In a fatherly way) - Jasper!
Esme- Carlisle!
Edward (Whiny) - Mom!
Bella- Edward!
James (In a hungry way) - Bella!
Alice- James!
Emmett- Alice!
Rosalie- Emmett!
Carlisle- Rosalie!
Laurent (High-pitched, arms in the air and dancing around) – Laurent!
(Everyone stares at him)
Laurent- I said LAURENT!
Victoria- You're a dummy
Laurent (All childish) – Thank you
Carlisle- Are you going to eat Bella or not?
James- YES!
Esme- Finally, a straight answer!
Edward- Do we get a head start?
James- No
Alice (Puppy eyes) – Pretty please?
James- Puppy eyes don't work on hunters.
Alice- Dang!
Carlisle (Sighs, trying to maintain his composure) – Do we get a head start or not?
Victoria- Twenty minutes
Emmett- ALRIGHT!
Jasper- Don't we have time to find a decent washroom?
James- Just go in the bush over there.
Jasper (growls) – Fine!
(For the rest of the scene, Jasper hops and holds his crotch)
Emmett- LET'S RUN FROM THE HUNTERS!
Rosalie- Come on.
(Pulls Emmett by ear)
Emmett- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
(Edward, Bella, Emmett, and Jasper are driving down the road in their hummer when suddenly they hear a strange groan. Jasper groans like he's in pain.)
Bella- What was that?
Jasper- We need to find a pit stop NOW!
Emmett- What shall we do, Edward?
Edward- Yes, what shall we do, Emmett?
Jasper- We need to find a pit stop, THAT'S what we have to do!
Bella- C'mon guys, just let him do his business!
(Emmett pours a bottle of water out the window)
Emmett- Oops!
Jasper- I'll do anything, just let me go!
Emmett- Fine. Only if you have five dollars.
Edward- Let's make this a little more interesting and raise the stakes.
Emmett- Alright, how about ten dollars?
Jasper- DEAL!
(Jasper pulls out ten dollar bill)
Bella- You guys stop! Would you guys do this to me?
Emmett- Yeah!
(Edward shakes head and pretends to cut his head off with his hand)
Emmett- NO! Not at all!
(Bella puts fist in the air)