How not to go on the Lam…

…with Wade "Deadpool" Wilson, Eliot "Chuckles" Spencer (blame Wade), a rather random wolf, and the occasional appearance of the author GPaDS. Warnings: incredibly AU.

"Hello, yes, you up there, hopefully reading this…"

"Um…Wade? If they read that they are reading this…just thought I'd men-"

Wade advanced on the author wielding both katanas.

"Please don't kill me!"

"Then get back to whatever hole you usually hide in GPaDS."

GPaDS dives for cover in her normal hole.

"Alright…where was I? Oh yes. Hello you up there staring at your computer screen. Yes, I am talking to you. Don't ignore me! Welcome to 'How not to go on the lam!'"

Wade gets a knife thrown into his arm.

"Eliot! I liked this shirt!"

"Well, if you will insist on breaking the wall in a very loud voice at two twenty in the morning, you will have to buy yourself new shirts."

"That's not fair!"

"Whoever said life was fair? Now, either turn the volume down, or the next one goes through a heart – if you have one – or a lung."

Wade produces a stethoscope to check his heartbeat.

"Hah! I do have one!"

"Don't care, volume down, some of us are trying to sleep."

Wade continues in an exaggerated stage whisper.

"Seeing as my…roommate is pissed at me, I'm just going to whisper. Anyway, 'How not to go on the lam'. I'm Wade Wilson, a.k.a. Deadpool from Marvel comics and X-Men Origins. 'Chuckles' over there is Eliot Spencer from Leverage. Um…we also have a wolf for some reason. She doesn't really like me. I think that's the author's fault…"

"Damn right! Although…she's practically married to you in an un-posted X-Men movies AU series…"

"GPaDS…you married me to a wolf?"

"Sorta it makes more sense in the context it's in…do you want to carry on Wade?"

"Of course, anyway, wolf problems aside, we're here to tell you…exactly what the title says, and we'll start immediately next chapter!"

"Wilson! I don't care what the author says, shut up now or…forever hold you pieces!"

"Sorry Chuckles!"

"Wilson…!"

"One last thing?"

"Make it snappy, and this had better be the disclaimer or I swear, author or no, I will kill that girl when I get my hands on her!"

GPaDS quickly writes herself back to Britain. Wade looks confused.

"That's supposed to be a deterrent?"

"Of course, I'll only kill her, after I kill you."

Wade winces and produces a piece of paper to read off.

"The author would like to inform you that she does not own Leverage, any Marvel movie, comic or concept you come across, myself, Chuckles…sorry *Eliot*, any other recognizable characters or the 'Allo 'Allo type manner with which I will apparently introduce most chapters. She does however own the story concept, the random wolf and apparently the idea to put us all in a two-seat car. Two grown men, and a wolf. It just doesn't work!"

GPaDS writes herself back to America for a moment.

"Would you prefer the car from my story over in the Transformers section "Car of Mischoice"?"

Wade thinks about it.

"Point…Anyway, there will supposedly be some fucking bad language, supposedly funny, but actually shitty one-liners, and no real author's notes to speak of. So, I'm now going to shut up before one of my travelling companions decides to maul me, and it probably won't be the wolf…Think of anything else to add Chuckles?"

"Oh…Just one thing. Shut up! Before I make good on my threats!"