She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While I'm drinking Jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how…
I knew she was home alone. I knew it but I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Feli was probably all wrapped up in the covers crying softly to herself. It hurt my heart yet I couldn't move. I couldn't stop it either. All I could do was drink. Every night after all the meetings I come to the local bar and drink my sorrows away. I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic because the beer and Jack I drink…It doesn't please me to drink it. It pains me. I know she worries about me and herself at home but I'm not man enough to solve the troubles. I can only create them.
How we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard…
I stopped going to the bars last week. I know that's not enough because when I am home I spend all my time alone in the study. It's the only alone time I have to think over the decisions I've made. Outside the double shutter doors, I can hear the little red head's tears fall to the hard wood floor. Yesterday at dinner, I mention how we've been eating more pasta nowadays. She frowned and said that she does all the cooking and she alone gets to decide what she makes. I lost it. With all my might, I flipped the dining room table on its side and walked away. I've been getting angry lately. I hate it when I release it on her. It makes me wonder if she still believes that I love her.
She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time
I've got a new job now at the unemployment line
And we don't know how…
Feli is getting more distant. I don't even think she's said the word 've~' in the past two weeks. It's already February 28. I was going to surprise her with a valentine's gift to lighten the mood but I didn't. I couldn't. My country is having a rough time right now. There's a wall between my brother and I. We don't do anything to communicate and end this. My people have no jobs, the boss is pissed, and I have to spend all my nights thinking. Most of the time I spend in my study is crying and worrying about Feli. I can't let her slip from my grasp.
How we got into this mess
This is God's test
Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man, these times are hard…
The wall came down. It's already late November. To make things worse, my brother passed away. He was already so weak and this stress must have put him over the edge. The funeral was quiet, with only our immediate family there. Feli came as well. She didn't know Gilbert that well but she knew I was close to him. I feel like we are getting closer. Feli held my hand as I sat next to his grave and cried into my hands. We were there for hours. I'm still not over it.
_
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night…
I know he's been having a hard time with things lately. His country is in a recession, his brother has passed…Everything is hard for us. I want to fix that. Last night I ordered a cheap wine bottle from Francis. The wine was not that great but we still had a good time. I like spending time with Ludwig. After that he pulled me into out bed and he wrapped his arms around me. We cuddled for the first time in years it seems like. His words were so sweet and meaningful. He said he'll take me to the carnival and out to eat and then we'll go dancing! Ve, it sounds nice.
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while yeah.
Ludwig told me he loved me at dinner tonight. Those three words…I haven't heard them in a while. It was nice.
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
It's been two years since Gilbert died. We visited his burial with flowers. I pointed out what the tombstone said on it to Ludwig. "Here lies Gilbert. He was awesome" was written on the front. He laughed. His old girlfriend must have told them to write that. I handed the flowers to Ludwig and he set them in front of his grave. We both smiled at how we were happy that he was resting in peace. But that just barely covered Ludwig's tears which he was fighting back. I hope that when I die Ludwig will cry like that. For me.
We just now got the feeling that we're needed
For the first time