No one ever loved
No one ever lost as hard as I
No one ever came
No one ever saw the crystalline in his eyes
Starry sky, paradise
In his eyes
In his arms, don't leave me now
Crystalline, don't fail me now
….
Heaven must have known
Heaven must have laid stardust in your eyes
To shine the light
Across the hurt into my eyes
I see you now
Purple shrine was never mine
Angel line, you fell right down
….
And it kills me every time
Every star will fall right down
And it kills me every time
Every star will fall right down
You're the diamond in the gutter
You're the hole inside my heart
You're the one I will remember
Every night before the dawn
You're the diamond in the gutter
You're the hole inside my heart
You're the one I will remember
Every night before the dawn
Every night before the dawn
Every night before the dawn meets the light
Lykke Li – No One Ever Loved
Since everything happened back in Indiana, I hadn't really spoken. I was numb. I felt...well, I felt like shit. The color seemed to have drained in the world around me. Everything passed in a blur. The only thing that reminded me of the reality of what I was doing right now was the sun beating down on my back.
With another heavy sigh, I pushed the shovel hard into the dirt, ignoring the searing pain coming from the deep wounds in my hip, throwing another pile of soil onto the ground beside me as Sam did the same. I heard footsteps approach, not needing to look up to know who it was.
"Kids-"
"Bobby." I stopped him, squinting as I looked up at him in the sun.
"I was just going to ask if you wanted some water."
"No, I'm fine." I muttered, going back to digging as Sam shook his head.
Bobby sighed crouching at the edge of the pit. "Want some company?"
"Doesn't matter." I shrugged.
To be honest, I was upset with Bobby. I knew I shouldn't be, but I was angry at the whole world right now and in my mind, he gave me a reason to be mad with what he'd suggested. I couldn't even fathom doing what he'd said. It just wasn't an option to me.
"Kids, listen...I hate to do this to you, but I think it'd be a good idea to just...get this over with when we get back." Bobby muttered, glancing over at Sam and I from the driver side of the Impala.
"Get what over with?" Sam asked from the backseat.
"Don't make me say it."
"We're not doing that." I said, my voice void of all emotion.
"What are we gonna do with him then?"
"What are we gonna do?!" I snapped, a wave of anger rushing through me. "Stop the car."
"Vic-"
"I said, stop the car."
"Calm down-" Bobby started. Without warning, I shifted the car into park, hearing the engine stall underneath us as Bobby guided the Impala over to a clearing. "Are you crazy?"
I didn't answer, getting out of the car, moving around to the trunk, pulling out a shovel before making my way over to a large plot of empty land, hearing Sam walking behind me. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like?"I asked, pealing my jacket off before pushing the shovel into the soft dirt.
"Vic, you know what we have to do. Dean would want it that way." Bobby muttered.
"No, Bobby. I'm not doing that. I can't do it. We're burying him."
"Here?"
"Yes, here."
"What about your side? You need to rest so it'll heal."
"I don't fucking care!" I exclaimed, letting out a hard breath as I looked back at them, my eyes landing on Sam. "Are you gonna help?"
"Yeah." Sam nodded, grabbing a shovel before making his way over to me, the both of us starting in on the grave.
"Listen, I know you're mad at me-"
"Bobby, I'm not mad at you."
"I just suggested what I thought was right."
"I know."
Bobby let out a huff, thankfully dropping the subject. "Do you two want help?"
"Don't worry about it." Sam muttered. "We're okay."
"Alright." Bobby said, getting up.
I didn't turn to watch him go, going back to digging along with Sam. Every few minutes, I'd glace over at him, seeing him holding back his tears. I knew this was important to him. That it would have been too hard to do this Bobby's way for him as well. Hours had passed and it was dark out, but we were finally done. Bobby helped Sam and I lower Dean's body into the pine box we'd placed inside the grave. I hung back, giving Sam some time before I went back over to Dean.
I could feel Bobby and Sam's eyes on me as I went, but I couldn't make myself care.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't figure out how to stop this." I muttered, the tears streaming down my face as I started to break, looking down at him. "But I promise you, I will find a way to get you back. If it's the last thing I do. I'm gonna do it, okay? I- I love you, baby. I'm sorry...I just- I love you."
After a few moments of silence, I pulled his ring and bracelets off, seeing that Sam had already taken the amulet from around his neck. I slipped the bracelets onto my wrist, placing the ring in my back pocket as I stepped away from him, taking one last look as I wiped my tears away.
"Help! No! Somebody help me!"
I heard Dean call, but no matter where I looked, I couldn't find him. I felt as though I was just stumbling around a dark room until suddenly, images of Dean tied up by his wrists and ankles with with barbed wire, the spikes digging into his flesh as he hung there. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to get rid of the images, but that didn't work, they just kept coming. Ones of Dean's face, his mouth full of blood as he screamed, his eyes wide with terror, the barbed wire now wrapped tightly around his torso as well, cutting into his skin along with a large hook pushed through his shoulder.
"Sam?!" Dean shouted, his voice full of panic. "Tori!"
Suddenly, my eyes snapped open as my heart beat rapidly in my chest. I looked around the room in fear, taking a moment to remember where I was. The motel. We'd gotten a motel room instead of driving through the night.
With a sigh, I glanced over to my side, thinking I'd see Dean there, having my heart break all over again when I realized and remembered why he wasn't. The realization of that fact that I'd never really slept without him hit me then, and as trivial as it might have been, it made me break down all over again. I stared up at the ceiling, allowing the tears to flow freely from my eyes in the darkness, trying to hold in my sobs so I wouldn't wake Sam.
I knew I'd never truly get over Dean being gone. I'd never understand why it had to happen. And I'd never stop being angry.
But I also knew that my anger would fuel me. It would push me to do whatever it was I had to...until I got him back.
First chapter of Losing My Religion! It's a little short, but it's more of an introduction than anything.
What episode are you looking forward to reading most?
*Note: This chapter may change very slightly, depending on if I get any other ideas or feel the need to. I'm very indecisive sometimes, so I probably won't, but I'm still warning you...just in case ;)
Thanks for reading and I hope you like this story!
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