Summary: There are decisions we make sometimes that we can never take back, no matter how bad we wish we could. Oneshot, set after 3x18. ChuckXBlair.
AN: This is a very long oneshot that deals with something fairly taboo and is pretty angsty. I am definitely not trying to be judge-y at all with this story, and I hope no one is completely bothered by it (I didn't get very detailed, just scraped the surface, because of that). I had started this months ago and found it the other day so I just decided to finish it, so I haven't started another new story, this is all finished. I thought about splitting this into 3-parts, but I think it works this way and is hopefully good enough to hold your attention. I would really appreciate any feedback on this because I'm kind of nervous about it. It ended much longer and in a much different place than I planned so yeah. Hopefully you enjoy it. :)
Seventeen days.
Blair wipes her mouth and scrutinizes her pale reflection through dull eyes as she mentally adds another tally to the number of days since her world shattered around her.
She can't believe it's been seventeen days since she found out; seventeen days since she saw the impossible pink plus sign appear on that stupid white stick.
Scowling, she grabs for her toothbrush, intent on getting ready for the day and forgetting that this little slip up even happened.
It's become a pattern. Every morning, she wakes up feeling so sick she can barely move until she's forced to go running from her bed to the bathroom to throw up. After she's thoroughly emptied her stomach though, she feels fine; like normal, healthy, not-impregnated Blair, and it's easy to pretend that everything is okay.
What makes it even easier is the fact that no one knows about this thing but her. It would make it too real if she told anyone, even just Serena, and it just can't be real.
She spits and rinses and looks at her reflection one more time.
It won't be real.
Just as soon as she can, she'll get rid of this little inconvenience and it will finally be over forever. They'll be no more evidence of the wasted ten months she spent dating that stupid Bass-tard. It'll be a relief really, because she's definitely not ruining her future and her figure to have the baby of someone who was willing to throw her away for a hotel.
She forces a smile at herself, not caring that it doesn't reach her eyes, before she turns and heads into her room.
Blair spends almost a half an hour coordinating a pale blue, polkadot dress with cream heels and a cream belt and bow, but the whole time she's running numbers and dates in the back of her mind. It's been seventeen days since she took the test and twenty-two days before that was Dorota and Vanya's wedding. But the last time she and Chuck had slept together was more than a week before the wedding, so at the very, very least she is seven weeks along.
Seven weeks is impossibly too long. If she doesn't get rid of it soon, it'll be too late.
Slowly and precisely, she applies her make-up and then dresses before finding herself in front of her full length mirror. She studies herself from a few angles and keeps her hands tight against her sides, refusing let her fingers curve around the beginnings of a bump she swears she can see. In a panic, she adds a thick, blue coat to her ensemble to try and hide the evidence.
This can't go on any longer.
She wishes she didn't have plans with Serena, or she tells herself she would end it today; conveniently refusing to acknowledge that she's been telling herself the same thing everyday for the past two weeks. She always has an excuse of some plans she just can't get out of though. Yesterday it was a salon appointment, and the day before that it was an emergency meeting with her minions.
Sighing to herself, she shakes the thoughts out of her head. No sense dwelling on something that won't be around much longer anyway. She'll have it taken care of tomorrow.
Or maybe the day after that.
She pulls her purse onto her shoulder and heads out of her bedroom door, intent on having an amazing day with her best friend and refusing to give another thought to what is growing inside of her.
–––
"Are you sure you don't want to come out?" Serena asks for the fifth time as their cab turns the corner on to her street. She pouts her bottom lip and pulls a little on her best friends arm. "Me and Nate are meeting Dan and Vanessa at Bijoux for dancing in a little bit. It'll be fun!"
"Oh yeah, Serena. A night with the Brooklyn twins sounds like an amazing time," she scoffs sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "I told you, I'm tired and I have class in the morning."
"I know, I'm just worried about you. That's all."
Blair immediately grits her teeth in frustration, pulling her arm from the blonde's grasp. "I don't need you to worry about me, S. There's nothing wrong," she lies easily, glaring at her best friend
"You don't have to lie to me, B," Serena tells her softly. She reaches out for her friend again, and tries not to take it personally when she flinches back. "I know you and Chuck had a horrible break up over something that is apparently too awful to even tell me about, but it's been more than a month. You can't let it ruin your life."
"I'm not," she snaps. Her arms cross almost protectively over her stomach and the mistake she is still holding on to, and she feels nauseous. "Believe me, Serena. I'm not letting this ruin my life."
"B, you've practically been in mourning the last few weeks. You're almost always too busy to hang out anymore, and when you actually have time to see me, you seem distracted. You barely talked all day today, hardly touched your salad at lunch, and we went to a ton of stores and you didn't try on or buy anything."
Blair sighs, shaking her head to herself as she feels the cab come to a stop. She smiles fakely sweet at her best friend. "I think this is where you get out."
"B.." Serena tries again, looking at her friend with sad blue eyes. "I just think that if you really aren't going to forgive Chuck for whatever he did, then you have to let it go and move on."
"Bye Serena," Blair barks, turning away and pretending to ignore her. She feels a hand fall on her shoulder and she quickly shrugs it off. She hears her best friend mumble something about calling her tomorrow before the taxi door slams shut behind her.
As soon as she is alone, she relaxes back against the seat and lets out a heavy breath. She quickly gives her address to the driver, before trying to rationalize what Serena had just said.
Of course she wasn't going to forgive Chuck. He had spent the first couple weeks after their breakup trying to get her back, but after she had made it clear forgiveness was not in the cards, he had easily given up. Since then he had immersed himself in a string of nightly hook ups with disgusting tramps that were plastered all over Gossip Girl.
Distractedly she pulls out her cell phone, deciding to see what whore Chuck has decided to take home tonight. She checks the website and sees nothing, and remembers that last night there had been no report of any hook ups either. She lets out a huff in frustration, immediately mad at herself for the little flame of hope she can feel that maybe he's finally given up on this method of coping.
She shouldn't care. She should be relieved he's been distracted with an endless line of bimbos so she's free to quietly deal with this little problem, but she definitely doesn't. If she's honest with herself, maybe there is a reason she's been putting off going to the clinic, even if she doesn't want to face it.
The cab pulls up in front of her building and she doesn't get out. On impulse, she finds herself telling the driver they need to make another stop.
"Take me to the Empire Hotel instead, please."
–––
The elevator dings and she finds herself stepping off into an eerily still penthouse. The lights in the living room and game area are dim and everything in the apartment seems perfectly in place. She walks further into the apartment, looking around curiously until she stops next to the pool table. She sighs to herself, her fingers running across the felt as she gazes around. She concludes that Chuck must not be here and is surprised to find herself disappointed, but knows in the back of her mind that she came here to talk to him about everything.
Maybe it's time for her to finally let Chuck in on everything she has been dealing with on her own lately.
She looks into the living room one last time before giving up. Silently, a plan is hatched in her mind to come back in the morning to talk to him when a sudden loud noise rips through the apartment.
Spinning on her heel, her eyes quickly snap towards the frosted glass window that looks into Chuck's room and her mouth drops in absolute shock and disgust and her heart clenches in her chest. The noise tears through the apartment again and Blair immediately recognizes it as a moan; a girl's moan.
"Ooh! Oh, Chuck!"
Her breath is caught in her throat. She can't bare to watch this but she can't seem to look away as she can see the hazy form of voluptuous blonde whore riding her ex-boyfriend with everything she has.
She thinks she's going to be sick.
"Chuck! Chuck! Ooh Chuck!"
She swallows back bile at the slut's screaming, when suddenly it all gets so much worse. She can clearly hear his low, rumbling groan and she somehow finds the ability to move again because it's all too much.
Her feet stagger backwards mindlessly and she finds herself tripping, falling against the bar with a deafening crash.
Blair absolutely panics. There is definite murmurs of confusion coming from that room and she knows she needs to get out of there now. She pushes herself up from the floor and dashes across the room to the elevator as fast as she can.
"Nathaniel?"
Her heart pounds hard in her ears as she hears him call out. Frantically she hits the button for the elevator, but isn't even allowed a chance to be relieved when it opens because she immediately hears his bedroom door click open behind her.
She steps purposefully into the elevator and turns to hit the button for the lobby. Helplessly her wide eyes look to him, meeting his gaze the second he sees her, too many emotions crossing his face for her to even begin to read.
"Blair?"
She looks away and sniffles, realizing for the first time that she is crying.
"Blair, wait," he begs desperately and she can hear him moving quickly towards her. The doors start to close before he can reach her though, but not before she leaves him with one last, piercing glare.
She's shaking as the elevator starts up, her whole body trembling with rage and despair. She suddenly realizes how stupid it had been to hold onto the hope of this baby and a future with Chuck, because she knows in the back of her mind, that's what she was doing. She was hoping once she had the courage to tell Chuck she was pregnant, he'd finally pull himself together and be the man she always thought he would be; the man he had been for the first eight months of their relationship, until Jack and this stupid hotel got in the way.
Obviously though, all of this just wasn't meant to be. Chuck just is who he is and Blair deserves better than that.
She's done. Forever.
–––
Chuck waits for what feels like hours in the lobby of her building, pacing up and down the small, marble hallway from the door to the elevator.
He can't erase the distraught look on her face last night from his mind. He'd never seen her look so broken in his life and he couldn't feel more guilty as he wonders how much she saw.
But what was she thinking? Blair knew he'd been with a ton of girls lately. What did she expect to walk in on coming over that late at night? Him watching romantic comedies with those bimbos? He definitely only had the blonde chick from last night over last night for one reason, just like all the rest of them. She has to know he doesn't care about that girl, or any of the others, anywhere even remotely close to how much he cares about her, right? Of course she does, he assures himself. Blair knows him. She can see past all of this.
Why had she shown up last night in the first place though? The two of them hadn't spoken in weeks and she had been so mad at him the last time he saw her, he never expected her to want to see him again. And she looked so sad…
The doorman moves to open the door and his heart clenches in his chest when she walks in. She's got on a long trench coat paired with black pants, which on its own is rather alarming, but the second her eyes land on him, she looks like she's going to cry.
"Blair.." he calls out to her gently, stepping forward and reaching for her.
Her eyes narrow at him and her face clouds over into pure rage. "What are you doing here, Chuck?"
"What were you doing at my penthouse last night?" he challenges back calmly.
She lets out a heavy breath and shakes her head to herself. "It doesn't matter anymore," she tells him sadly and moves walk past him.
He panics as she starts to walk away and reaches out to grab her arm and stop her. "Blair.." Before he can even think he's shoving her away from him with all of her strength. His back hits the wall across from her and he stares at her wide-eyed and shocked.
"Stay away from me," she hisses lowly, not even caring as tears start to slip down her cheeks.
"Blair. Please," he begs desperately, hating himself for making her break down again. She must have been coming over to forgive him, instead she caught him in bed with a random girl. He's such an idiot and he's probably ruined them for good. "She was no one; a mistake. I still lo-"
"Don't!" she interrupts him because she can't bear to hear it. "Don't ever say that or anything else to me ever again!"
He can only stare at her dumbfounded, his mouth open in shock at the rage he can feel radiating off of her.
"As far as I'm concerned, our whole relationship never happened."
His face contorts in despair, feeling as though he's been stabbed in the gut at her words. "Blair.."
She shakes her head and doesn't spare him another glance before she leaves, her heels clicking away as she leaves him heartbroken and alone in the hallway.
–––
Walking into her room, she breaks down more and more with each step towards the bed. She doesn't bother to change or even take off her coat or heels before she lays across her bed and buries her face into her pillows.
Blair tries to stifle her sobs against the fabric but, it's hopeless. She can feel her heartache in her whole body and she can't stop the gut-wrenching sobs that shake through every inch of her.
It had been in a blind rage that she had made the appointment the moment she woke up this morning, and it was her refusal to back down that made her go through with it.
The whole procedure took ten minutes. Ten minutes and it was gone forever.
She cries out at the memory of it and starts sobbing even harder.
She thought she would feel relieved; instead she's filled with this hollow emptiness that feels as though it could consume her and swallow her whole.
"Miss Blair?"
Looking over her shoulder, she sees Dorota standing in the doorway, and her eyes land immediately on the woman's more than swollen stomach and makes her feel all the more heartbroken.
"Go away," she demands tearfully. "I'm fine." She pushes herself up to sit and wipes at her wet cheeks.
The maid eyes her worriedly. "Miss Blair.."
"You're dismissed!" she barks desperately, her whole body trembling.
She watches through a haze of tears as Dorora walks away and Blair lets her body fall limply back against the bed, deciding that any effort to compose herself is useless at this point.
She curls up into a ball on the bed and silently shakes with fresh sobs.
Just for today, she'll let herself cry for what she so naively threw away.
–––
At first, she distracts herself with school work. It's easy to forget everything when she focuses on writing essays and studying for finals but it doesn't last for very long. School ends a week and a half later and suddenly Blair's left with nothing but time.
On her first day of summer break, Blair decides she needs a new summer wardrobe. She spends hours walking up and down the stores and spends more money in that shopping spree than she thinks she ever has before and has so many packages she can't even carry them.
The day after that her closet has to be reorganized, of course. She spends hours supervising Dorota as she organizes everything by designer, before she changes her mind and decides it should be sorted by color instead. She barks out orders to her faithful maid the whole day, and it's oddly calming.
Of course the next day she needs shoes to match her new outfits, and the day after that those need to be organized as well.
On the fifth day though, she can't find anything to do. She finds herself laying on top of her bed wearing a brand new Prada dress paired with the perfect pair of LouBoutons and staring blankly at the ceiling in the middle of the afternoon.
She refuses to think about it, because she's put it so far into the back of her mind that she's almost convinced herself it never existed to begin with. Almost.
She tries to take a nap, because honestly, she's exhausted. She's barely slept since that day, her nights always spent wrapped up in Audrey movies and DVD boxsets of soap-opera-y teen dramas that she would normally never watch. They distract her from her thoughts, yes, but inevitably there's always a pregnancy scare that always forces her to turn them off.
The elevator dings downstairs and she pushes herself to sit. Taking a deep breath, she stands and studies herself in the mirror quickly. Perfection, she assures herself before heading towards the stairs, a graceful smile plastered on her lips.
"Oh, Serena," she grins as descends the stairs. "It's so good to see you."
"Really?" the blonde asks with a snort. "Is that why you haven't been returning my calls?"
Blair smiles evenly. "I'm so sorry, really," she apologizes brightly, even though she meant to not call Serena back. "I've just been so busy."
"Oh? With what?"
"Well, perfecting my summer wardrobe, of course," she smiles motioning to her perfectly coordinated outfit. "I needed a shopping spree to kick off my Bass-less summer break and then of course I had to reorganize my closet. And then I needed shoes.."
"Oh, poor Dorota," Serena laughs, knowing who had to do the work. "So you decided to take my advice and either forgive him or move on."
Blair nods, trying to look as peaceful and relaxed as possible because that is what she wanted. This is why she did what she did. "I'm moving on."
"That's good, B. I'm glad."
The brunette forces herself to smile. "Me too."
"Well why don't you start moving on now? Get out of the house?"
Blair eagerly agrees and the two best friends head out into the city. Blair let's herself be dragged to a few stores before they head off to have dinner at STK. She orders a salad with lump crab and picks at it between gulps of her dry martini. She listens as Serena goes on and on about her problems with Nate and what she's going to do about school the next year, which would usually annoy her, but right now she welcomes the distraction of Serena's endless drama. As long as the topic is on Serena, she doesn't have to talk about herself.
She finishes her second martini and frowns at the empty glass.
"So what do you say, B?" Serena asks excitedly. "Dancing at 1Oak?"
Blair looks up at her best friend and the room spins just the slightest. She wishes she felt happy drunk, where the world is fun and she's filled with giggles, but she just feels depressed. Briefly, she wonders how Chuck can drown his sorrows so easily in alcohol because it's definitely not working for her.
Maybe she just needs more.
She smiles innocently at her best friend. "Sure. Let's just have another drink here first though?"
–––
The next morning she is rudely woken out of her dreamless, drunken sleep by incessant knocking on her bedroom door.
Pulling off her eye mask, she is unhappily surprised to find herself still surrounded by darkness and when her eyes land on the glowing numbers of her alarm clock to see it isn't even five AM yet, she is beyond annoyed.
She groans and pushing herself up in bed, trying to ignore the horrible pounding in her head that intensifies with every movement she makes. "What?" she barks in a huff as she crawls to the side of the bed and gets to her feet as the knocking simply continues. "This better be good!" she warns in a growl as she finds her way to the door.
The second she pulls open the white door, she is blinded by the lights of the hallway and she has to squint to see the person on the other side.
"Miss Blair.."
"Dorota!" she quickly scolds, her hands going up to rub her temples. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
"I sorry, Miss Blair.." the woman tells her almost tearfully, "..but I think time go to hospital."
Immediately Blair's eyes snap wide open and she finally really looks at the woman in front of her. Her dutiful maid looks completely panicked, her forehead creased in worry and her eyes filled with unshed tears as she grips her rounded stomach and Blair's heart suddenly feels as if it's not beating.
Swallowing back the emotion in her throat, she stares at Dorota in shock, her own panic growing within her because she can't handle this right now, she just can't. She stands frozen as her mind races, trying to think of some way to have someone else deal with this, but of course her mother is in Paris and she's the only one here.
"Well, um.." she starts to stutter, staring blankly ahead, when Dorota suddenly reaches forward and grabs her hand, yelping in pain.
"Oh, Miss Blair.."
Blair flinches, but doesn't pull away. She doesn't have a choice right now, she has to be the one to take Dorota to the hospital no matter what she is dealing with inside right now. Robotically, she pats her maid on the back and summons every ounce of the mental strength she prides herself on and pushes everything to the back of her mind.
"It's okay, Dorota. It'll be okay," she assures the woman who was almost like her second mother. "Just breathe, okay?"
Dorota nods and quickly starts hissing rapid breaths between her teeth, gripping Blair's hand tight.
"Do you have your bag all packed?" she asks calmly, emotionless.
The maid anxiously nods.
"Why don't you go get it from your room? I'm just going to throw on some different clothes and then we'll go, okay?" she tells the maid quickly as her contraction comes to a stop. "We'll call Vanya from the cab."
The maid nods and a teary smile curls her lips. "Thank you, Miss Blair," Dorota tells Blair, not letting go of her hand. "I so happy you here for birth because you family, even if not blood related."
Blair reluctantly allows herself to be pulled into a hug, trying not to let herself get emotional whatsoever. When Dorota pulls away, Blair can only watch her waddle away with her hands lovingly caressing her plump stomach as she talks sweetly to her soon to be born child.
A shaky breath escapes Blair's lips and she chokes back the lump in her throat and blinks away the tears in her eyes.
She has to hold herself together, she doesn't have a choice.
–––
After Blair tells him they are over for good, he can't help but fall deeper into the pit of despair that left him surrounded by drugs, alcohol, and women. On the outside it looks as though his life is amazing; a never ending, fabulous party. But that's not what it is all. It's horrible. Everything hurts and everyone is gone and the only thing that makes it bearable is the numerous mind alerting substances that flow through his system.
He steps out his limo with his sunglasses covering his bloodshot eyes. Straightening his suit he steps forward into the restaurant and is immediately seated next to his best friend. He quickly orders himself a coffee, black, and reluctantly pulls off his dark glasses and sets them on the table.
"Morning, Nathaniel," he groans tiredly. "Care to tell me why you asked me to meet you out for brunch, and not at the penthouse I pay a lot of money for us to stay at?"
His best friend doesn't get a chance to answer before his step-sister suddenly rushes up to the table. "Sorry I'm late."
Chuck rolls his eyes. "What is this? Another sorry little intervention for me to get my act together?"
"Kind of," Nate answers sheepishly. "We know you're single, so we don't care about the women. Or really even the alcohol. But the drugs.."
"The coke, to be specific," Serena speaks up from across the table.
"We're just worried about you, man."
Chuck scoffs and shakes his head in disbelief. "Thanks for the concern, you two, but you're over reacting," he assures them both before focusing in on Serena. "And maybe I would take your little faux-intervention a little more seriously if you didn't show up to it hung over."
"I'm not!" Serena immediately defends herself.
Nate looks at her skeptically.
"I mean, yes, I had a couple drinks," she concedes, rolling her eyes, "but I'm just tired from going out last night with Blair-"
Serena stops herself mid-sentence and a silence takes over the table at the mention of the missing member of their little group.
"How.. How is she?" Chuck asks hesitantly, his stomach twisting nervously.
"I think she's doing well," Serena admits with a small, sad smile. "She's moving on, Chuck. You need to, too."
He frowns and looks down at the table avoiding their eye contact.
"So who wants pancakes?" Nate asks suddenly, trying to change the subject.
Chuck smiles a little at his best friend in thanks for the effort, before the ringing of a cell phone interrupts their moment.
"Sorry, sorry," Serena apologizes quickly before snapping open her cell phone and reading her new text. "Oh, it's Blair," she explains as she reads. "Aw, Dorota had her baby! A girl named Anastasia Audrey." She smiles a big grin and continues to aw as she closes her phone and drops it into her purse. "Blair says she's the only one there other than Vanya, so I should probably go down there and keep her company."
"You just want to see the baby," Nate points out with a laugh.
"Well maybe," she concedes, smiling widely, "but is that so bad? Aw, I'm so excited to hold it!" She laughs as she pushes herself up from the table. "Sorry about brunch, though," she apologizes, her eyes landing on her step brother.
"Don't be, sis," Chuck brushes her off nicely, his heart still on edge from the mention of Blair's name. Suddenly his brow furrows as an idea occurs to him. "Why don't we go with you?"
–––
"Knock, knock!"
Blair almost cries in relief at the sight of her best friend in the doorway. She can't stand to be alone in the room with Dorota and Vanya and their baby, so unbelievably happy and in love any longer. Every minute since she walked into the hospital with her maid that morning has been like a knife stabbing into her stomach and she just doesn't know how much longer she can take it.
She jumps up from her plastic chair she's been stuck in for the past few hours and goes to hug Serena when she sees who she's brought with her over her shoulder.
"Hey, B," Serena coos as she gives her a quick hug before quickly turning her attention to the baby and the new mother. "Oh my god, congratulations!"
Blair's small relief falters as her best friend walks away and she turns reluctantly to the two boys standing a few feet away, avoiding eye contact with one of them. "I didn't expect to see you guys here," she mentions as breezily as she can.
"We were out to brunch when I got your text, B," Serena speaks up from where she stands admiring the baby in Dorota's arms. "I hope you don't mind the extra visitors."
"Of course not," Vanya beams and answers from beside the bed. "Anastasia beautiful baby and need to be shown off to everyone."
"Yes, I'm very happy you come see us Mister Nate, Mister Chuck," Dorota smiles, her eyes landing on Chuck. "Is that for baby?"
Blair's eyes snap to her ex-boyfriend and her heart pounds in her chest at the sight of him fiddling with a tiny pink teddy bear.
"Of course," he confirms with a smooth grin, walking further into the room and handing the stuffed animal to Vanya. "I couldn't very well come empty handed to meet such a beautiful little girl as yours, Dorota."
Blair bites the inside of her mouth to keep herself in control as she watches Chuck admire the tiny baby in Dorota's arms with a small, genuine smile on his lips.
"So what do you say Mommy?" Serena speaks up with a toothy grin. "Do you think you can let her go for a few minutes so I can hold her?"
Dorota smiles and nods. "Of course Miss Serena, but I think Blair should hold first."
Instantly Blair's blood runs cold.
"You haven't held her yet, B?"
"Well I didn't want to steal her from her parents right away, S," she retorts trying to make it sound sarcastic, but it falls flat. A horrible feeling builds in her stomach as Dorota motions her over and holds out the baby. Pasting a fake smile on her face, she hesitantly crosses the room and allows the pink bundle to be settled into her arms.
Staring wide eyed at the tiny baby in her arms, Blair swallows back her emotions as she really looks at Anastasia for the first time. She truly is a beautiful baby.
But not as beautiful as her's and Chuck's would have been.
Her eyes fly up to meet her ex-boyfriend's and he's staring at her, a heavy look in his eyes at seeing her holding a baby and it just makes her hurt so much more. She can't handle it and has to look away from him, but finds herself looking down at a perfect little mouth yawning and tiny brown eyes eying her tiredly and it all finally lands on her.
She made a mistake; a horrible, horrible mistake. One she can never take back.
She should have never gotten an abortion.
–––
Blair lets out a shaky breath as she drops her head onto her knees and hugs her legs tighter to her chest.
It's almost completely dark in the bathroom where she sits, only a sliver of light sneaking in through the crack in the door to her bedroom. She doesn't know why she's bothering to hide like this with the house completely empty, but she just can't bare to pick herself up off the tile floor.
Her heart hurts, her cheeks are soaked, and her whole body is trembling from the hours she's spent sobbing alone in the dark. Her mind is so wrought with distress that she can barely think and her muscles ache from sheer exhaustion but every time she even begins to calm down for a second, she remembers what she did and breaks down all over again.
Blair wishes with all her heart and every fiber of her being that she could just go back in time and take it all back. She has never wanted anything so much in her entire life but there's no amount of begging or pleading that can make this go away.
Maybe if she hadn't been so angry, or so stubborn… Or if she had just told someone.
If she had told Chuck…
A sob shakes through her tired body and she bites her lips so hard she's sure it must be bleeding.
She can't take this pain anymore. She has to calm down but she just can't stop crying.
Crawling onto her knees and then pulling herself up by the counter, Blair takes a deep breath before walking on shaky legs out of the bathroom in desperate search of something to help calm her down.
–––
Chuck steps into the Waldorf penthouse late that evening with small bouquet of peonies in his hand, his pride put aside, and his heart on his sleeve.
It had only been a couple weeks since he had seen Blair, but it felt like so much longer, and the sight of her that afternoon had been like an oasis in the desert. He'd missed her more than he even realized. But there was something different about her that he couldn't quite put his finger on and it intrigued him so much that he couldn't bear to stay away from her for another day.
Silence rings out through the penthouse, but the doorman said she was here, so he summons his courage and climbs the stairs. If she demands to know why he is here and tries to throw him out, he will simply tell her he wanted to make sure she was okay in the penthouse by herself, which really isn't a lie at all.
"Blair?"
He furrows his brow as he steps into her bedroom and sees it empty, everything perfectly in place without any signs of life. He peaks into the bathroom and then the closet and frowns when he doesn't find her still. Dropping the bouquet onto her bed, he makes his way out of her room in search of her. He pauses at the top of the stairs and thinks of where else to look when he hears a whimper coming from down the hall. Turning immediately towards it, Chuck suddenly finds himself standing outside the door of what he knows to be Eleanor's room and he can distinctly hear muffled cries on the other side. Concern overwhelms him as he knocks but doesn't hesitate to push open the door.
"Waldorf, are you.."
Trailing off as he catches sight of her, his heart breaks with worry as he sees her, laying on her stomach with her face buried into a pillow. Her small frame is illuminated by only the city lights sneaking in through the window, but he can clearly see her shoulders shaking with the weight of the heavy sobs ringing out through the room.
He doesn't hesitate to make his way to her side, gently brushing his hand across her back. "Blair.."
She flinches back and her hair flips as she turns to face him, her eyes so wide and devastated it catches him off guard.
"Blair, what's wr-"
"Chuck," she suddenly sobs, her face crumpling when she sees it's him. She pushes herself up to sit quickly and her head lolls forward a little from the movement and he panics, afraid she's about to faint. He reaches out to steady her, grabbing both her arms by the shoulders and he can't ignore how much effort it takes for her to lift her head upright to look at him again and he immediately notices the dazed look in her eyes.
"Are you high?" he demands in shock, a pit of worry building in his gut.
"Chuck," she cries again, ignoring his question. "Chuck, I messed up.."
He brings a hand up to caress her damp cheek. "What did you take?"
"I made a mistake," she mutters between heavy breaths and sobs. "You'll… You'll hate me…"
"I promise you, Waldorf, I could never really hate you," he assures her desperately, worry consuming him because he's never seen her anywhere near this upset, ever. "Just tell me what's going on."
She shakes her head almost imperceptibly. "You will," she insists desperately even as her eyes start to droop. "I do."
"You don't mean that. Blair," he calls to her quickly as he taps her cheek to keep her alert. "You have to calm down," he demands as gently as he can when her eyes focus on his again. "What ever happened, we'll fix it, but you have to tell me what you took first."
An absolutely heartbroken sob escapes her lips and she pushes away his hand from her before dropping her head into her hands. "We can't fix it!" she bellows against her palms. "I.. I.."
He stares wide eyed at her as she collapses in on her self, before reluctantly turning his eyes away from her for the first time since he stepped into the room. Sweeping his eyes across the room, he looks for anything to help him when his heart seems to stop in his chest. On the other side of the room, sits a half empty glass of water teetering on the edge of a dresser with a small, orange pill bottle laying on its side next to it.
Standing, he crosses the room in a second and picks up the bottle, a little thankful to still see a few pills still inside, but not that relieved. He turns the label and his heart clenches when he reads the word valium on the side.
"I-I killed it.." Blair sobs quietly behind him.
He quickly turns back to face her, the bottle clenched in his hand as he sees her struggle to keep her head up and he's honestly never been more scared in his life. Chuck strides over to her purposefully and carefully, but forcefully, holds her chin in his hand and gives her no choice but to look at him.
"How many did you take?" he demands desperately. He holds the bottle up so she can see it but she doesn't even seem to notice.
Her lip quivers and her eyes droop and he can see the beads of perspiration forming on her forehead. "I killed it.." she repeats breathlessly, too wrapped up in her pain to do anything but ignore his question. "I.."
"Blair!" he calls to her again, trying to bring her back to the present reality with him even as he wonders in the back of his mind what she's talking about and what has her so upset and why she did this to herself. "Blair, please." Her eyes start to fall closed and he instantly starts tapping her cheek to keep her from passing out. "You have to stay awake, okay? You have to."
Tossing the bottle aside, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cell phone. Immediately he dials 911.
"I need an ambulance immediately," he tells the operator in a rush, keeping his hand against Blair's pale cheek and his focus on her. "My.. friend... is extremely out of it and can barely stay awake. I'm positive she took some pills, but she won't tell me how many."
"I saw it," Blair confesses to him in a half-conscious daze.
"2345 5th Avenue in the penthouse," he provides the address while his brow furrows in confusion and interest at Blair's words. "Hurry."
"They made me…"
"They made you what, Blair?" he asks as he hangs up before letting his fingers wipe away the remnants of her tears. He needs her to keep her talking and alert but he's also extremely anxious to get to the bottom of all of this, because this is not Blair Waldorf.
"Look at it.." she answers through silent tears, too tired to sob anymore even if it hurts more than anything to say this. "And then they made me listen to-" she takes a trembling breath "-to the heartbeat.."
Chuck's fingers come to a halt against her skin as his whole body freezes.
"And then it was g-gone."
He stares at her blankly, a crushing weight suddenly baring down on his heart.
"I killed it."
–––
Chuck's fingers curl tighter around Blair's as he watches her shift in her sleep. His heart races as waits for her beautiful brown eyes to open and look at him, but it doesn't happen. Just as quickly as she had moved, she's still again, lost in a peaceful slumber in between the pale blue sheets of the small hospital bed.
He sighs and kisses her hand and continues to watch the gentle rise and fall of her chest, refusing to take his eyes off her for even a second for fear that she could just disappear.
There's a haze of his unshed tears in his eyes that he just can't seem to blink away, not since she had confessed in her drugged, half-awake state to something he could barely wrap his mind around.
He hadn't said a word of it to Nate or Serena, who clearly had no idea whatsoever. Instead, he told the two of them that Blair hadn't been feeling well and was having trouble sleeping when found her; she must have taken too many on accident but she was just trying to get some rest, he'd said. He'd even convinced the two of them not to call Blair's parents or alert Dorota. As far as they were concerned, this was all a mistake; an accident. He knows Blair; knows she doesn't want anyone to find out, and if everyone knew about the pills and how absolutely heartbroken she was when he found her, the questions would never stop until she told the truth.
She probably would have kept it a secret forever if she hadn't cracked, maybe because of seeing Anastasia.
His heart clenches in his chest as he remembers the sight of her holding the tiny baby in her arms.
He's upset that she didn't tell him, and he's even more upset that he buried himself so deep into drugs and women that he didn't even notice she was going through something so horrible all on her own. If she had just come to him, he would have dropped everything to be with her through this. He would have been upset, of course, but he would have stood by her side, whatever she decided. He can't deny, though, that it hurts. She got rid of something that was made out of both of them. She edited it out of their lives all on her own without any intention of ever telling him it was even there to begin with.
Tightening his jaw to hold back his emotions, Chuck drops his head to bury into the crook of her arm, her skin luke-warm and sticky with sweat from when her fever broke. The doctor said she will be fine, but if he hadn't shown up at her penthouse last night, who knows what could have happened.
He bites his lip and looks back up at her when she moves in her sleep again. He holds his breath as he sees her lashes flutter sleepily before her eyes finally blink open to the world.
Relief spreads through him immediately and he opens his mouth to say something but he can't for the life of him think of what. So instead, he tightens his grip on her hand and watches silently as she gazes tiredly around the room before finally landing on him.
–––
Blair calls out his name when her eyes land on him, her voice thick and heavy and her throat sore. Her free hand goes to her neck in surprise at the pain, not bearing to tear her other hand from the comforting familiarity of his grasp. "What…"
"They had to pump your stomach," Chuck informs her, his voice sounding just as heavy as her own.
Her brow furrows helplessly as her foggy mind tries to make sense of the situation. She takes him in and notices just how tired and disheveled he looks, with his tieless neck and his rolled up sleeves, a way she's only ever seen him look once before, after his father's death. His eyes are shining down on her in concern and it makes her heart ache in her chest.
..What ever happened, we'll fix it, but you have to tell me what you took first..
Her eyes drop shut as it all come back to her. The crying, the baby, the overwhelming feeling of regret.
The pills.
Blair snaps opens her eyes and looks pleadingly up into his hazel eyes. "I didn't mean to," she assures him quickly as he gazes at her tiredly. "I didn't, Chuck. I swear. Really, I just.." she trails off, trying to think of some excuse. "I was just a little anxious with Dorota gone. That's all," she lies. "I couldn't sleep. It was an accident." She force a fake smile at him, but he still doesn't respond to her and puts her nerves on edge. "I mean it's stupid, really," she admonishes to herself with a carefully placed roll of her eyes. "I mean I'm nineteen, I can take care of myself of course, but Dorota's always been there too, you know?"
Chuck stays silent and continues to watch her with that look that feels like it goes right through her and it hits her.
"You know."
She sees his jaw twitch and his throat work and his pain is so visible it's undeniable and it feels like the whole is suddenly crumbling around her. Her eyes widen and she takes a trembling breath.
"You know," she repeats again in horrified disbelief. She pulls her hand quickly out of his and pushes herself up to sit up on the bed, ignoring the slight dizziness and nausea that comes with the movement. "How do you.."
"You told me," he suddenly speaks up, cutting her off. His eyes get misty and the air around them is suddenly heavy with the weight of the truth. "You started rambling while I was trying to keep you conscious."
She purses her lips and shakes her head to herself. "I was delirious," she tells him quickly, not noticing the few tears that escape her eyes. "I was drugged! I didn't know what I was saying.."
"Blair.." he breathes, trying to calm her down as his heart clenches. He reaches out to touch her cheek but she immediately shoves his hand away.
"Don't!" she warns quickly, her tearful eyes wide. "This wasn't- I wasn't trying to.." her voice fades as she swallows back her emotions. "This was an accident."
He nods slowly and moves forward out of the plastic hospital chair to sit on the edge of the bed to be closer to her. "Okay," he agrees softly, resting his hand on her leg to try to comfort her. "It was an accident."
"It was!" she tells him emphatically. "I couldn't get control; not after yesterday. So I took a few of my mom's valium to help me calm down, but it didn't work fast enough so I took more." She sniffles, tears falling down her cheeks as she looks at the bed and avoids his gaze. "It was so stupid, It just… It hurts so bad," she chokes on a sob and buries her face into her hands.
It doesn't even take a second for him to reach out to her, gathering her up in his arms and holding her close. Immediately her arms go around him and she buries her face against his neck, sobbing into him.
"I'm so sorry," she cries into him desperately.
He can feel her trembling in his arms as he holds her tight and simply lets her cry and it breaks his heart. "It's okay, Blair," he murmurs against her hair as he tries to comfort her.
Sadly she shakes her head as she pulls back to meet his eye. "It's not okay," she tells him strongly. "I killed our baby."
"Blair," he gently chides, furrowing his brow at her in concern. "You can't beat yourself up over this. It's not like that."
"It's exactly like that," she sobs. "I saw it, Chuck."
His jaw tenses and his eyes fill to the brim with emotions as she repeats her words from last night.
"They had to do an ultrasound because I hadn't been to the doctor, so they had to check to make sure I was really pregnant; like I would be there if I wasn't," she explains tearfully, her lip unturned in horror and disgust at the memory. "And it was so little and so fragile that I could barely see it, but then they played the heartbeat and.." Her face crumples and her heart drops and her whole body hurts from the emotional pain.
Chuck reaches out and cups her cheek, brushing away some of her tears even as a few of his own escape.
"I thought about stopping it, I wanted to, but they were looking at me like they knew I wasn't strong enough to go through with it, so I just… did it," she sniffles and chokes back a sob. "But I wish.."
"I know," he assures sadly her with a small nod. "I know."
They study each other for a long moment, a silent understanding passing between them before she leans forward into his arms again. She pulls him close, her fingers curling into his shirt like a lifeline and her forehead resting against his shoulder. His life burry into her hair and rub her back as the two of them mourn something they didn't even realize they wanted until it was too late.
–––
They walk into her bedroom late that afternoon, the golden, setting sun shining through the windows.
Blair's limbs ache and her mind is heavy and she doesn't hesitate to cross the floor to her comfy bed, her fingers tugging Chuck along behind her. Her brow furrows, however, when her eyes land on a slightly wilted bouquet laying on her mattress. She picks up the beautiful flowers and looks questioningly at Chuck.
A solemn smile curls his lips. "Those are for you, of course," he explains softly. "I brought you those last night. I was intent one making one last plea for your heart."
She smiles back, smelling the dying flowers, before setting them aside on her end table. "I'll have to have Dorota put them in water," she mentions offhandedly and then pauses, shaking her head to herself. "Or I'll do it later since she's on maternity leave." She let's out a heavy breath and drops onto the bed, Chuck sitting next to her.
"Hey," he calls gently, trying to pull her out of her sadness before it even begins. "Everything will be okay," he assures her when her eyes land on him. "We'll get through this."
She smiles sadly and nods, laying back onto the bed.
He lays next to her and the fluttering in his stomach intensifies as she automatically curls into him and rest her forehead against his chest. Brushing a kiss against her hair, her gently wraps her up and holds her to him. "I'm sorry, Blair," he tells her strongly, never meaning somethings so much in his life. "For selling you out to Jack and giving up on us so easily. For the other girls and the drugs and just everything." He closes his eyes and breathes in her scent. "I'm so, so sorry I was such a bastard that you thought you couldn't come to me when you were in trouble."
Blair remains silent, but her heart is beating hard as he says all the things she's wanted to hear.
"I would have been there, you know," he assures her as they lay together in the quiet serenity of her room. "Whether you had kept it or not, I would have stood by you through all of it. I would have been there for you."
A shaky breath escapes her lips and snuggles into him. "You're here now, aren't you?"
He smiles to himself and kisses her hair as he lets his eyes drop shut. "I love you."
Blair let's a melancholy smile curl her lips. For the first time in weeks, she feels the tiniest bit of peace and hope. There is a long road ahead, of course, but now that she has Chuck by her side, she's confident they can get through anything. Her eyelids feel heavy and for the first time since that day, she finds herself easily falling asleep. Leaning forward, she placing a chaste kiss against the warm skin at the base of Chuck's throat and feels her heart grow warm as his arms tighten around her. "I love you too," she whispers, falling into a peaceful slumber in his arms.
Fin.
Feedback greatly appreciated...