Disclaimer: Why would I write a fanfic if it's mine?
Special thanks to a1y-puff for beta-reading this story.
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Once You Had Love
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If you love something, you should let it go.
That was what Mana once told him.
Why? Can't I love and keep it at the same time?
Did that mean Mana didn't love his brother enough? He didn't love Mana enough?
Actually, that would mean you are being selfish...
Love… what a foreign concept.
He couldn't grasp the meaning of this-so-called love. He couldn't comprehend why he would let it go when he had obviously fought for it before, why should he?
They said one of the signs of love was a wondrous feeling of happiness just by being with someone. And if that was true, he decided that it would mean he loved Mana.
But…
But he was obviously wrong.
As cliché as it sounded, he then realized that the 'love' he had for Mana was not the same love that people had always been talking about.
He had fallen in love for someone else instead.
But… I want to keep this dove…
It happened gradually yet inevitably, there was just something about the stoic, bad tempered older teen that kept on attracting him. He could try to resist and pull himself back from him, from Kanda, only to be drawn in again with a greater, stronger force – pulling and drowning- him deeper, deeper and deeper until he was all head over heels for him.
Allen, if you let it go…
Despite all the arguments, the fights and the death threats, they had managed to scrape and build a small, rocky relationship. Normally it might not be much, but this was Kanda he was talking about, it was already a good enough reason to make Allen happy and cherish this bond as one of his most important treasures ever.
He hoped in vain with all of his beings for this happiness to be able to last long…
and it returns…
He felt dread settled on his stomach at the sight of Kanda lying immobile, surrounded by the Noahs. And his heart skipped a beat when he saw he was lying on top something akin to prison.
There was an indescribable clench around his heart. Fear? He didn't dare to dwell much though, as there was a fight he needed to do and it couldn't wait.
It turned out he didn't need to wait to understand it.
… it's yours…
He wanted to scream at the unfairness of it's all, for Kanda's pain, for his pain, for this horribly fucked up life and fate that never failed to make the people they toyed with miserable. He wanted to cry, to wail all of his hurt. But more importantly, he wanted to chain Kanda and run away to someplace where nothing can reach them. Not the Earl, not the Innocence, not Alma.
But who was him to do that? In the end Kanda did decide to go, but not with him. His bond with Kanda didn't stand a chance against the one Kanda shared with Alma. He… was nothing compared to Alma…
The next thing he knew, he found himself helping the two lovebirds to be together.
Damn his martyring tendency.
… Thank you. Allen Walker. You being here helped me.
Allen stared in disbelief at his words, his cheeks were warm and he could felt the beginning of tears in his eyes.
And he let Kanda go, just like he did to the dove long time ago.
He just wished Kanda had never called his name and thanked him.
If you love something, let it go. If it returns, it is yours.
The dove never returned…
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AN: Chapter 199 makes me crave for angst, tons of angst. That's why I decided to try and write one myself. Hopefully it's enjoyable enough and thank you for reading.