Disclaimer: I do not own Yugioh 5Ds, or any other property in this work that I did not make myself.
Yu-gi-oh! 5Ds after hours
Chapter one: Yusei and friends do Equestria
It was a fine day in New Domino City, a suburb of San Francisco, California. (1) Yusei Fudo was getting some coffee at a local name brand coffee shop with his friends Jack Atlas, Crow Hogan, and Kalin Kessler. "Pfft, that's nothing," Crow said as the guys were enjoying their coffee, "Why, this one time, Brianna and I were pulled over by a cop but the cop let us go since he thought Brianna was pregnant."
"Wait, why did the cop think that your girlfriend was pregnant?" Kalin asked, arching an eyebrow in confusion.
"Brianna and I were grabbing some lunch for the rest of the cast and crew of the film that Jack's girlfriend Carly was making for the upcoming Film Festival," Crow explained, "We didn't bother getting out of our costumes before leaving. Brianna especially, seeing as how her role as a four-hundred-pound rich woman requires her to wear a fat suit." Taking a sip from his coffee before he went on with his story, Crow continued, "Do you know how long it takes to put on a fat suit?"
"Well, at least Carly's gotten her film finished," Yusei remarked, then said when he turned to face Jack, "What kind of movie did your girlfriend say she was making?"
"She said it's supposed to be a murder mystery slash comedy," Jack explained. After taking a sip of his coffee, Jack said, "I have no bloody idea how the hell she's going to pull that off, though."
"Oh, I talked Carly into throwing a few fart jokes into her film," Crow said casually, "You can never go wrong with a few well-placed bits of toilet humor."
"…I hate you," Jack said to Crow, a deadpan look on his face.
...
After Yusei and his friends finished their coffee, they all proceeded to walk back to Jack's penthouse, which is now located on the ground instead on top of a tall building for some reason. They walked back because they walked to the coffee shop because they felt like not using their duel runners. As Yusei and company walked up the front driveway of the penthouse, Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, appeared in front of them.
"I am now going to send the four of you to Equestria," Discord said to the humans, "For no particular reason!"
"Ah shit," Kalin muttered, clearly not looking like he liked where this was apparently going.
"Wait, no, don't!" Jack exclaimed, but it was too late; Discord snapped his fingers, and in a puff of smoke (2), Yusei and company vanished.
As Discord stood there, he heard the front door open behind him. Turning around, he came face-to-face with Akiza Izinski, who is dating Yusei because that is what everyone thinks she should be doing apparently. Seeing that she had a visitor, Akiza decided to be nice to him. "Would you like to stay for dinner?" Akiza offered, "I'm making a pot roast."
"That sounds lovely, good miss. Thank you," Discord replied kindly, and followed Akiza inside the penthouse when she invited him in.
In another puff of smoke that was the exact same as the first one, Yusei, Jack, Crow and Kalin appeared standing on a dirt road in a pastel-colored world. "Why does this place look the last time I did drugs?" Jack asked rhetorically.
"I think we're somewhere just outside of Ponyville," Crow remarked.
"Wait a minute," Kalin said, "Crow, how would you know that?"
"Brianna is a pegasister," Crow explained, "In fact, I've watched twelve episodes of the show myself, but that's only because Brianna had it playing while we were doing the deed."
"So, can we assume that to mean that you have the biggest working knowledge of this world?" Yusei asked.
Shrugging in an indifferent manner, Crow replied, "I don't know. Probably."
"HUMANS!" a female voice exclaimed excitedly; suddenly, Crow was glomped by Lyra.
Sighing, Crow said, "Hello, Lyra Heartstrings."
"How do you know this pony's name if you've only watched the shows because your girlfriend had it playing while the two of you were screwing each other?" Jack asked.
"Brianna pointed it out to me," Crow explained, "According to her, this pony is obsessed with humans."
Lyra, oblivious to everything that the humans were saying, continued to squeeze Crow tightly. Sighing, Crow said, "Yup." To Lyra, Crow said, "Hey pony, I wanna teach you a secret human greeting."
Gasping in excitement, Lyra said, "Really?! I get to learn something that humans do?!"
"Just let go of me first," Crow replied, and as a result Lyra instantly let go of Crow, standing at attention while regarding Crow with the utmost respect. "Right," Crow continued, "Anywho, for this greeting to work, I need you to turn around so that you're facing the same direction that I'm facing." After Lyra complied, Crow pulled out his Sig Sauer 9MM while saying, "Good, good." Aiming the gun at the back of Lyra's head, Crow continued, "Now then, this is the most important part about the secret human greeting…"
*BLAM*
After Lyra's body fell limply to the ground, Crow holstered his gun as he turned to face his friends.
Sighing in exasperation, Jack said, "Crow, can't you go one fucking day without committing manslaughter?"
"These are ponies, not humans," Crow replied as he holstered his gun, "I think we're fine."
"Let's just go," Yusei remarked in a mildly annoyed tone, "I'm pretty sure that someone heard the noise Crow's gun made, so there will probably be some investigation." And with that, Crow led his friends down the road they were on.
Deciding that they would cover more ground if they split up, Yusei and Jack headed in the direction of Twilight's castle, while Crow took Kalin to 'go exploring', as Crow put it (3). After walking up the front steps to the front door of Twilight's castle, Yusei knocked on it a couple of times. Within a few seconds, the door was opened by Spike.
Looking directly as Yusei and Jack, Spike said, "Uhh…who and what are you?"
"We're humans," Yusei greeted, "Some dragon-looking motherfucker with mismatched body parts teleported my friends and I here for no damn reason whatsoever."
"…Yeah, that sounds like Discord, alright," Spike sighed. Turning around, the baby dragon gestured for the humans to follow him while saying, "Well, Twilight can probably help you guys out. Come on in."
As Yusei and Jack walked into Twilight's castle, the two of them looked around. "Bloody hell, this place is huge," Jack remarked in a clearly impressed tone, "How much did it cost to build this place?"
"Not one bit," Spike replied, "It was bestowed upon Twilight by the Tree of Harmony for saving Equestria since her old place was destroyed in the process of saving everypony."
"Everypony?" Yusei thought in confusion, shaking his head to clear his mind of confusion.
Over at Fluttershy's cottage, Fluttershy was brushing her mane out in front of her bedroom mirror, humming a happy little tune to herself as she did so. As her eyes were closed, the timid Pegasus did not see Crow's reflection in the mirror; if she did, then not only would she know that some strange creature was sneaking up on her, but that he held a bowie knife in his right hand.
Outside of Fluttershy's cottage, Kalin was sitting on the ground behind the cottage beneath Fluttershy's bedroom window, looking through his deck of Duel Monsters cards to keep himself entertained. Crow climbed out of Fluttershy's bedroom a few minutes after he climbed in; when Kalin looked up to see Crow, he noticed that the Blackwing user had some blood on his shirt. Sighing, Kalin said as he got up, "Tell me again why you wanted to kill this Rainbow Dash character."
"That bitch killed my good friend Starscream," Crow swore, "I wanted vengeance!"
"Well now that you killed her, can we try to meet up with Yusei and Jack?" Kalin asked.
"Well first, we need to secure some wealth," Crow explained, "According to the various fanfics on the subject that Brianna read along with the two on the subject that Brianna wrote, whenever a human is stuck in this world, they're usually stuck there for a while, quite possibly forever. That being said, we should probably start our new lives here by getting some money."
"Since you know the most about this world, can you at least tell me what the currency is called so that I don't sound like a jackass when I'm trying to buy something to eat?" Kalin replied.
"The currency is called bits," Crow said, "I think they're little golden coins. Although Brianna said a few times that gems are also used occasionally."
"So, what," Kalin began, "Are we going to get some jobs in town so that we can earn a living while we're stuck here?"
"Pfft, fuck that!" Crow replied, "I know just the place where we can get all the gems we need so that we won't have to work a day in our lives ever again!" Pointing in a random direction with a bowie knife whose blade is covered in blood, Crow said, "To Carousel Boutique!"
Back at Twilight's castle, Yusei and Jack sat at the friendship table with Twilight, Spike and Starlight Glimmer. Twilight was in her chair, Spike in his next to Twilight, Starlight stood next to Spike's chair, Yusei sat in Applejack's chair, and Jack sat in Rarity's chair. (4)
"So then," Twilight said as she faced Yusei and Jack, "The two of you are humans that were teleported to Equestria by Discord."
"Yes, that is correct," Yusei replied with a nod.
Sighing in an exasperated manner, Twilight said, "Well then, we'll just have to wait for Discord to get back so we can get him to return you and your friends to your world. If anything, we can get Fluttershy to tell Discord to do it."
"So, where the fuck are the boys and I going to stay while we're stuck here in Pony land?" Jack asked the princess of friendship.
"Frist off, I'm going to have to ask that you watch your language," Twilight said, "Second off, it's called 'Ponyville'. Thirdly, I'm going to let you and your group of friends stay here in the Castle of Friendship."
"You're seriously going to let us crash here?" Yusei asked, "Wow, that's pretty generous of you, your highness."
"Actually, this will work out for the best of us," Twilight replied, "I've always wanted to study humans ever since I read the book that Lyra published."
"You want to study us?" Jack asked, looking three parts insulted, seven parts confused.
"Twilight has something of a habit of wanting to study everything," Starlight remarked, "You better get used to it while you're staying here."
Yusei and Jack turned to look at each other. "…Do we have to stay here?" Jack whispered.
"Hey, it's either this, or living in the woods, or letting Crow secure some lodgings for us," Yusei whispered back. Giving Jack a knowing look, Yusei whispered, "I don't know about you, but I personally don't want to take any chances while we're stuck here in a foreign land in a foreign world."
"…Point taken," Jack replied reluctantly.
Over at Carousel Boutique, Rarity was using her sewing machine, humming happily to herself as she worked. Suddenly, someone covered her mouth with a damp cloth; struggling for a bit, Rarity eventually passed out, falling over off of her stool. Standing over the knocked-out Rarity was Crow, a cloth damp with chloroform in his right hand.
"You know, I've been meaning to ask how you can carry a gun, a bowie knife, a washcloth and a bottle of chloroform on hand without having any sort of bag to carry it all in," Kalin said to Crow as the latter proceeded to take a large pillowcase out from a pants pocket and fill it with the gems in a chest in the one corner of the room that they were in.
"The gun and knife are in holsters hidden on my person," Crow explained, "As for the cloth and chloroform, I have very big pockets on these pants."
"That also explains the pillowcase," Kalin remarked dryly.
As Crow put the last of the gems from the chest into the pillowcase, he and Kalin heard the door on the ground floor open, along with a young female voice calling out, "Rarity, I'm back from school! Can my friends and I borrow your duct tape for a project?"
"I think that's Rarity's little sister," Crow said. Knocking on the side of his head with his right knuckles, Crow said, "Shit! What was her name again?"
"Why do you care?" Kalin asked, "You're just going to kill her to keep from having any witnesses."
"Dude, I'm not going to kill Rarity's little sister," Crow replied, "She's Brianna's favorite character!"
"Rarity?" the voice called from downstairs, "Are you home?"
Looking to Kalin, Crow harshly whispered, "Don't make a sound."
…
Down on the first floor of Carousel Boutique, Sweetie Belle was wondering where her big sister was. Diamond Tiara's mom was being mean again, so Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon asked Sweetie Belle and the other crusaders for help. Sweetie Belle thought that the duct tape Rarity keeps would be helpful, so she was going to ask for it.
As Sweetie Belle looked around, someone snuck up behind Sweetie Belle and covered her mouth with a damp cloth; a few seconds later, Sweetie Belle passed out. Covering Sweetie's mouth with some duct tape from the roll he found in (and jacked from) the kitchen, Crow said to Kalin as he stuffed the little filly into the same pillowcase as the gems, "Well, let's get going."
"Why am I letting Crow get away with this?" Kalin thought to himself as he followed Crow out of Carousel Boutique.
Back at Twilight's castle, Yusei and Jack followed Twilight, Starlight and Spike outside. "Well then, I think we should start by finding your friends," Twilight said to the humans, "What are their names?"
"The first one is Kalin," Yusei explained, "He had long white hair and is about the same height as Jack and me, give or take an inch or two. The second one is Crow. He's somewhat shorter than Jack, Kalin and me, has orange hair that sticks up like a broom's bristles, and his face is covered in various yellow markings."
"Be warned that Crow likes to commit larceny," Jack stated, drawing a shocked look from Twilight, "He's also committed kidnapping, grand theft auto, homicide, and he runs his own smuggling ring back home."
"You're friends with a criminal?!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Actually, if I'm to be completely honest here, out of me, Jack, Crow and Kalin, the only one who does not have a criminal record is Jack," Yusei remarked, "But then again, the worst that Kalin and I have ever done are misdemeanors. In fact, this one time, I was acquitted of a crime that I was accused of."
Seeing the shocked reaction on Twilight's face, Yusei said, "Yeah. Human society is far seedier compared to pony society. But don't worry. My friends and I will be on our best behavior while we're here."
"I should certainly hope so," Twilight replied, shaking her head mildly as she tried to regain her composure.
"I'm not so sure that you can speak for Birdbrain, Yusei," Jack remarked casually.
As Crow and Kalin walked through Ponyville, they were approached by Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. Behind the two crusaders were Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
"Excuse me, sirs," Apple Bloom greeted without batting an eye at the fact that she was talking to two strange creatures that she had never seen before, "But have either of you two seen me and Scootaloo's friend Sweetie Belle? We need her help with something."
"No, we haven't," Crow replied with a shake of his head.
Eyeing Crow and Kalin with a curious expression, Scootaloo said, "What sort of ponies are you two?"
"My friend and I aren't ponies, we're humans," Kalin replied, "My name is Kalin, and this is Crow."
"Wait a minute," Silver Spoon said, "Humans are real?! Then that Lyra mare wasn't crazy!"
"Are you two the only humans here?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Me and Crow's friends Yusei and Jack are over at some castle here in town," Kalin replied.
"Oh, you mean Princess Twilight's castle," Diamond Tiara remarked. To the other fillies, Diamond Tiara said, "Girls, I think we should ask the princess for help."
"Help with what?" Crow asked.
"Diamond Tiara's mom is being mean again," Scootaloo explained, "She wants to tear down our school's new playground equipment, saying that it's a distraction to the students. But in reality, she's just mad at the other crusaders and I because Diamond Tiara is friends with us now."
"Mom can't really have the playground equipment torn down," Diamond Tiara remarked, "Dad paid for it, and he'll be mad if mom goes through with her plan."
"You know, you four girls seem like nice kids," Crow began, "Tell you what." Pointing to Diamond Tiara, Crow said, "I'll go talk to your mom, see what I can do to change her mind."
"Are you sure that will work?" Diamond Tiara asked while giving Crow a skeptical look.
"Pfft," Crow said as he waived his hand in a dismissive gesture at the pink filly, "It's no biggie at all. I'm pretty fucking good at convincing people, you know."
"Well don't you have a potty-mouth," Apple Bloom remarked at Crow, "Why, I can't even say the word 'peeved' without my big sister Applejack forcefully washing my mouth out with a bar of soap."
"…Seriously?" Crow asked while giving the little filly a deadpan look, "The word 'peeved' is a cruse word in these parts?"
"It's a really bad word," Scootaloo remarked with a mild wince, "Although it's nothing compared to the 'F' word you just used."
Sighing in an exasperated manner, Crow said, "Look, do the four of you want me to talk to your friend's mom, yes or no?"
"If you would be so kind as to do so, then the girls and I certainly won't stop you," Diamond Tiara replied. Turning to face her friends, the pink filly said, "Right, girls?"
"Yeah, and while he's talking to your mom, we can look for Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo said.
Smiling, Diamond Tiara clapped her front hooves together while saying, "Everypony wins!"
"I'm not even going to bother to correct her," Kalin thought as he followed Crow in the direction that Diamond Tiara pointed out.
Over in the Ponyville market, Yusei and Jack were following Twilight, Starlight and Spike when Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash came up to them. "Yo, Twi," Rainbow Dash greeted. Spotting Yusei and Jack, the cyan Pegasus pointed to them and said, "Uhh, who and what are they?"
"Oh girls, these are my new guests Yusei and Jack," Twilight replied. To the humans, Twilight said, "Yusei, Jack, these are my friends Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie."
"I'm…going to assume that Pinkie Pie is the one that's mostly pink in color," Jack remarked.
"Well duh," Pinkie replied in a good-humored tone, "It's be weird if my name was Pinkie Pie and I was mostly brown. Then I'd be Brownie Pie."
"Is…is she on drugs?" Jack asked, mildly alarmed by how carefree the pink party pony was being.
"No, she's not," Rainbow replied with a confused frown, "Pinkie just consumes a lot of sugar in the baked treats she makes is all."
Leaning to his left, Yusei whispered into Jack's ear, "Well, at least she's on some kind of white powdery substance." Hearing this made Jack snicker somewhat.
"Anywho Twi, can you answer the other part of my question?" Rainbow Dash repeated, "What are these guys supposed to be?"
"Jack and I are humans," Yusei explained, "We're trying to locate two other humans that are with us, named Crow and Kalin."
"I wouldn't know where they are, but if I see any humans other than the two of you, I'll give you a holler," Rainbow remarked.
"How did they even get here in the first place?" Pinkie Pie asked, tilting her head to the side slightly.
"Discord transported them here," Twilight explained with an exasperated sigh, "Most likely for his own bizarre amusement."
"I thought that Fluttershy convinced him not to do stuff like that anymore," Rainbow Dash said, arching an eyebrow in mild confusion.
"We'll just have to find Discord and get him to send Yusei and his friends back to their home," Twilight replied, "Maybe get Fluttershy to do her stare if it comes down to it. But before that, we have to find their friends."
"You girls should be careful," Spike added, "Jack said that one of his and Yusei's friends has a serious criminal record."
"It's the short one with a broom-like head," Jack stated, "You'll know him when you see him."
Nodding in understanding, Pinkie Pie took off in a different direction to help with the search for Crow and Kalin. Rainbow Dash was about to do so as well, but she stopped short. "Uhh, can you girls do me a favor while I'm looking for the other two humans?" Rainbow Dash asked, "Pinkie and I were already trying to find Scootaloo. I think I know not only why Scootaloo can't fly, but how to fix that problem."
"Really?!" Twilight remarked in a surprised tone, "You know how to help Scootaloo finally be able to fly?!"
Nodding in the affirmative, Rainbow Dash continued, "It's just an idea, but if what I think is true, then I can get her up off of the ground by her own wing-power within the next ten days."
"This is amazing!" Twilight exclaimed excitedly, "You gotta take notes on everything, Rainbow Dash! If your theory proves to be true, then notes on how to fix Scootaloo's flight problem can be of great use for future Pegasi who have the same flight problem as-"
"I get the point, egghead," Rainbow Dash replied with a knowing smile before taking off.
After Rainbow Dash was gone, Twilight turned to face Yusei and Jack. "Now then," Twilight said, "Can either of you give my friends and I a more detailed description of your friends?"
Spoiled Rich was walking to her private office back at the Rich estate. Thanks to her position as President of the Schoolboard, Spoiled Rich was able to dig up the dirt she needed to get those little brats known as the 'Cutie Mark Crusaders' out of her mane. With them gone, Spoiled Rich would be able to, once again, mold her daughter into the mare that she needs to be if the Rich family name is to stay ahead of the commoners.
Opening the door to her office, Spoiled Rich walked in, then closed the door behind her. After turning around to face her desk, she saw that the high-backed swivel chair was turned so that its back was facing her. "…I don't remember leaving my chair like that when I was last here," Spoiled Rich said aloud to herself.
The chair turned around on its own, and to Spoiled Rich's shock, Crow was sitting in it. Smiling at the stunned-into-silence mare, Crow said, "Hello, Mrs. Rich. My name is Crow Hogan. I've been expecting you."
"What are you doing here?!" Spoiled Rich demanded angrily with a hint of fear in her tone, "Do you expect to rob me or something?!"
Smiling calmly, Crow pulled out his Sig Sauer 9MM and aimed it right as Spoiled Rich's forehead. "…No, Mrs. Rich," Crow replied, "I expect you to die."
*BLAM*
After Spoiled Rich's lifeless body crumpled to the floor, Crow looked at the right end of the desk he was sitting at, eyeing the beautifully detailed crystal glass dish full of candies. Crow took the dish, emptied its contents into a bag he had brought with him, then got up to leave. Pausing for a brief moment, Crow went back to the desk, took the crystal glass dish, and tossed it into the bag as well before taking off for real.
Over by the front entry gate to Sweet Apple Acres, Yusei and Jack were waiting with Twilight, Starlight and Spike. As they waited, Big Mac came walking over.
"Howdy there, Twilight," Big Mac greeted in a friendly tone, "If you're looking for Applejack, I'm afraid that you just missed her. You see, she's visiting relatives over in-" Big Mac stopped midsentence when his eyes fell on Yusei and Jack.
"…Friends of yours, I assume?" Big Mac remarked casually, not batting an eye at the strange creatures.
"Yes, they're friends of mine," Twilight replied, "And are you serious about Applejack not being here in Ponyville?"
Nodding in the affirmative, Big Mac said, "She left this morning."
"Well there goes getting Applejack's help, then," Twilight remarked sadly.
"There something the matter, Twilight?" Big Mac asked.
"Oh, I'm just trying to help Yusei and Jack find their friends Crow and Kalin," Twilight explained, "I already got Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie to help, and I promised Rainbow Dash that I'd keep an eye out for Scootaloo since she's trying to find her."
"Scootaloo will probably wonder on by the farm with Apple Bloom sometime later today," Big Mac remarked, "I'll give you a holler if I see the little filly."
As Twilight and Big Mac talked, Crow and Kalin walked onto the scene. To Yusei and Jack, Crow said, "'Sup, bitches?"
"Crow! Kalin! There you guys are!" Yusei exclaimed, "Where have you two been?"
"Oh, I've been helping these little girl ponies with a problem," Crow remarked.
"I've been trying to keep Crow from doing anything illegal," Kalin said, "I'm not familiar with any of the laws of this world at all, but I'm pretty sure that Crow broke at least one of them."
As the ponies and humans were talking, Discord appeared out of nowhere, rubbing his belly. "Mmm," Discord said, "That was a fine dinner that Akiza made." To Yusei, Discord said, "That female who lives at your place sure does know how to make a delicious meal. Can you believe that she was kind enough to invite me over for dinner?"
"Discord!" Twilight exclaimed, "Send Yusei and his friends home right now!"
Sighing, Discord said, "Fine, sure, whatever." With a snap of his fingers, Yusei and his friends vanished in the same poof of smoke that brought them to Equestria in the first place.
Back in the driveway of Jack's penthouse in New Domino City, Yusei and the guys looked around. Patting himself all over his chest, Jack said, "I'm back." Pumping both fists into the air, Jack joyously exclaimed, "I'M BACK!"
"Sweet skies above," Yusei remarked, "I hope that that never happens to us-"
Yusei was cut off when Discord appeared in front of them in the same manner in which he sent the guys to Equestria. "WHO KILLED FLUTTERSHY?!" Discord bellowed angrily at Yusei and company, his eyes having turned into spheres of fire.
Pointing to Kalin, Crow said, "It must have been Kalin. I don't even know who the hell Fluttershy is."
Turing to face Kalin, Discord snapped his fingers; Kalin's head shook violently before exploding (5). After Kalin's dead, headless body fell over onto the ground, Discord said as he pointed at Yusei, Jack and Crow, "Pray that none of you three anger me ever again." And with that, Discord teleported himself back to Equestria.
As Yusei and the others looked at Kalin's remains, Yusei muttered, "…Well fuck."
END, CHAPTER ONE
Author's Notes:
(1) Because I said so.
(2) Actually, it was an explosion, complete with mushroom cloud.
(3) When Crow said that he was 'going exploring', Jack shuddered in fear.
(4) I actually had to look up on the internet the placement of the chairs to make sure Yusei and Jack were where I wanted them to sit in proximity to Twilight.
(5) He'll get better.
Crow has a terrible memory when it comes to remembering which character is which in MLP FIM; the only show that Brianna watches that Crow has an actual working knowledge of is Doctor Who. Well anyway, this is my first attempt at a dedicated crack fic. I am going to be working on chapter two in the meantime.