Disclaimer: Everything you see here belongs to JK Rowling except the lovely lyrics at the beginning which are from the song Starting Over by Typhoon.
STARTING OVER
I've started a new beginning
Suspiciously like the old one
Only this time I'm ready
In my vessel, our final voyage
Just to pick up a few things
While I muster my courage
I need a reason to leave
And let you have it
I need a reason to kick you
Like a bad habit.
Its fall again and I'm falling all over again. Its like someone painted a picture of that first day and then went and painted over it with deliberate mistakes. There's the crisp autumn air that smells distinctly like September. The scarlet engine is puffing smoke and the platform is a tangle of people crossing paths and trying not trip over each other's trunks. Sirius is skulking against the barrier but before I can bat an eye he's laughing again. Peter's round face pokes out from around his trunk and he has that same tentative smile he's always had. I just catch sight of Remus' shabby robes as he hops up onto the train, lugging his battered trunk behind him but with a slight spring in his step. I think I see a flash of red hair but I don't crane my neck to look. I've waited all summer; I can wait a few more minutes. I've waited six years, I can't wait another second.
A whistle screeches, students rush into train cars and hang out windows to wave at teary eyed parents. I can already hear the trolley creaking down the corridors and Remus is muttering huskily to Sirius, the former stern, the latter grinning widely. We sidle into a compartment, changing into our robes maybe a little too eagerly. Pressed slacks, button up shirt, rumpled tie- it's the same outfit just stretched longer- we're taller now, or at least I hope so. We fasten our robes on over our uniforms with a succession of clicks and stow our wands away carefully. There's a heavy badge pinned against my chest and I feel the weight in more ways than one. They sit, I stand and pace.
"Go on then," Sirius waves a hand at me.
I stop and stare at him blankly.
"Where?"
"Go find her," Remus rolls his eyes.
"Who?"
"Who," Peter snorts, "We don't need to remind you who."
"Evans," Sirius lets the name roll lazily off his tongue. "You know, that girl you talked about all summer."
"I'm starting over," I hear myself say. I've been repeating those words like a mantra in my head but they don't really fit the context here. Start over, start over, start over, start over . . .
"What do you mean?" Remus looks up quizzically.
"Nothing," I shrug. "I've got to go head up the prefect meeting," the words sound stiff coming out of my mouth.
"Taking it rather serious, aren't you?" Sirius asks.
"It's a serious job," I waggle an eyebrow and he lets out a laugh.
I'm walking down the corridor, picking my way around girls who scream and hug, around boys who shout in low voices and dole out high fives and hand shakes. I reach the prefects' car and ease open the door.
Her back is to me but there's no mistaking her. Her hair is falling down her back, long and wild and red. I can make out her freckled hands shuffling pieces of parchment together and the milky white of the backs of her knees poking out from under her skirt and over her high socks. She starts at the sound as I slide the door shut and even though I saw her first I'm equally stirred when she turns around. Her emerald eyes squint through the sun streaming in the windows and her peachy lips part slightly. Its seconds but it feels like ages and finally she smiles. There it is, right on time, my stomach starts doing back flips and my hands start to shake. Start over, start over, start over, I insist but this doesn't feel like starting over, this feels just the same. I push my hand through my hair and in spite of myself I feel my mouth pull back into a grin.
"Hey Evans," I say, my voice gruff.
"Hey," she says. She takes a step toward me and her smile widens. I'm a little shocked that she's so happy to see me but I don't waste any time. Before I can scold myself I'm wrap my arms around her waist and pull her to me. She doesn't fight it and I almost laugh from relief when her hands reach up to find my neck.
"How was your summer?" she asks into my shoulder.
"Good," I manage to say. I'm too busy breathing her in; her hair under my nose, her tiny frame against mine, her voice in my ears.
"Everyone safe and okay?" she pushes back to look at me but she keeps a gentle grip on my shoulders.
I pause to study her face before answering. There's that crease between her brow and she's chewing the inside of her lip. For a minute my mind strays back to fifth year.
"She hates me," I hang my head in my hands.
"Nah she doesn't," Sirius thumps me on the back. "She just cares about you a hell of a lot more than she wants to."
It doesn't matter what pretences we operated under before. These are dangerous times and she's shelving her pride for a moment. She does care, even if its only the way friends do.
"Everyone's fine," I square my jaw. "My family, Sirius, Remus, Peter- we all had a boring summer don't worry," I say and draw her in against my chest again.
"I do worry," she admits and I can feel her hands pressing against my back.
I'm holding her and she's not running away and she's practically telling me in plain words she cares about me, even if its only a fractional amount and all at once its almost more than I can take. Start over, start over, start over I remind myself but it's useless. I'm holding her and her palms are pressing against my shoulders and despite myself I can't help but want to be with her. I can avoid her, I can try to dismiss these feelings but no matter how much I tell myself to start over I still feel that thump, thump, thump beating against my rip cage when I'm near her.
But I am in fact near her and that's a start isn't it? I pull myself out of my own head for a minute and look around. The countryside is rolling along outside the window and the sky is clear and blue. The sun streams through the glass and warms my back. Lily is tucked under my chin and her scrawny, freckled arms are wound tightly around me. It's just another year and this is just another train ride back to Hogwarts- but I think that this time it's different.
A/N: This is just a short little story but I had to get it out of my head so I hope you enjoy it. I whipped it up quick and didn't really do a lot of editing which will probably come back to haunt me but hey there you go. R&R if you please.