Disclaimer: Don't worry, the lemurs will protect me...
A/N: I was listening to music...when suddenly the crazy idea of Garfield and Harry Potter together in a fanfic sounded just too funny to pass! I was going to do this as chapter story...but I think one-shot'll be better for this. Also, there will be a lot of dialogue at a point or two, but bare with me. It's pretty easy to distinguish who is talking anyhow. And to the Ron Weasley fans, sorry I made him look like a pig. :D There was no one else to use...
Also, I know at one part of the story I describe good ole Jon as 6 foot, which may or may not be true I have no clue. I just imagine Jon as a tall, 6 foot, idiotic man. LoL!
On with the frickin story!
Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger sat peacefully in a cart on the Hogwarts Express. At the moment, Ron was stuffing his freckled face with chocolate frogs and Bertie Bott's Beans ("Hmm, if you eat half a choc frog and a pink lemonade bean at the same time, then have a sip of pumpkin juice, the aftertaste is quite interesting," Ron stated absent-mindedly). Harry was staring out the window, thinking of screaming llamas and lasagna terrorists, and Hermione had her nose in a book. After being in this state for 10 minutes, Ron suddenly screamed (rather shrill and girly, if you ask me) and jumped 3 feet back, leaving a prominent trail of chocolate crumbs behind.
"Th-th-there's s-s-something in m-MY food-d!" he shrieked. Hermione looked up from her book.
"What?" she asked dumbly. ('Reading does something to you,' Ginny declared last year, 'I swear.')
"I said there was a freakin THING in my food!" cried Ron, now in hysterics. 3 main ways to freak out Ron: Show him a spider, touch his food, or eat more than him. Plainly this unknown creature was doing methods 2 and 3.
Harry snapped out of his wonderful daydream, now of prancing ponies and pink cupcakes.
"Don't be an idiot Ron," Harry said, while trying to remember what pink cupcakes tasted like. He stared at a pile of food and other junk on the floor. Without warning, a couple of chocolate frogs jumped away.
(Dramatic music here please. Dum dum dum!)
A fluffy, chocolately, orange feline face popped out from under a pile of tarts and cards. It looked somewhat disgruntled and cleaned it's whiskers before slowly blinking and mumbling, "Whoa, Garfield, someone must've put some beer in these chocolates cuz I swear one was purposefully jumping away..." After a minute, the cat spoke again. "Now where is that geeky owner of mine..."
The cat attempted to jump out from under the rubbish, but failed to do so and looked more like a pitiful lunge. Ron was now brandishing his wand like a sword and was staggering back, clearly frazzled. Harry just stared, and Hermione, well, she was reading. Again. At a time like this. Yes, she was a saaaad child. Her parents had considered sending her to a camp where books were forbidden and all you did was play basketball, learn about computer, and watched turtles doing hip-hop. Unfortunately, Hermione was quite stubborn when it came to these things and after a long argument, both parents gave up... –shakes head- Argh, getting back to the story...
The cat had now wandered all around the cart and seemed to be frustrated. He walked up to Harry (in human stance) and asked, "You guys have any lasagna here?"
"What?" Harry replied bewilderedly. Was this cat talking to him?
"Lasagna." The fat orange tabby repeated.
"Er, no."
"Risotto?"
"Huh?"
"It's like lasagna."
"Nope."
"Alfredo?"
"...No?"
"Pasta?"
"Nuh-uh."
"LINGUINI!" (Poor Garfield, he was now in mortal outrage. Wait, did that make sense? Oh well, it sounds good.)
"N-n-no..."
"This place SUCKS."
"Suit yourself."
"I'll steal your stick."
"It's not a stick, it's a wand."
"Suit yourself."
"Are you mocking me?"
"Whatever. Say, have you seen a rather tall man, about 6 foot, walking randomly around the train?"
"I don't think so. What does he look like?"
"Like an idiot."
"Pssh, like that helps."
"I know. Pretty distinct if you ask me. Has curly blonde hairs growing out from his nose and probably has his pinky finger stuck up his left nostril."
"..."
By that point, Hermione amazingly forgot her book and was watching this interesting conversation with rapt attention. Ron, after warily watching the two talk a minute or two, decided that this freaky, tubby orange cat was no harm to his food. He resumed inhaling anything edible within a 5-foot radius and was now feeling rather sick. The greenish red-head could almost see the mutant canaries whizzing around his head, chanting "puke it up, puke it up!"
Garfield: No, that's what I do!
Me: Er, sorry Garfield, it's just that this is all part of the plan.
Garfield: What plan?
Me: For the story!
Garfield: (blank stare) Story?
Me: Yeah, the story you're in.
Garfield: I'm in a story?
Me: Just shut up and er...be in the story!
Garfield: I want lasagna afterwards then.
Me: Oh fine whatever just argh gooo awaaaaayy...
(ahem)
Harry rubbed his temples furiously. And he thought Lord Voldemort was creepy!
Garfield now turned his attention on Ron, who was sprawled like a dead newt on the floor.
Garfield gave Ron a snobby look. "I CAN EAT MORE THAN YOU," he declared importantly. Oh no, Harry thought. This ain't gonna be pretty.
Ron's I'm-about-to-barf face twisted into an I-can't-believe-you-said-that one. "What! You cannot!"
"Can too!"
"Cannot!"
"I bet you that I can too!"
"Fine! The bet is on. Loser has to...do the lala dance in front of Professor Snape."
"Who's he?"
"A retard."
"Sounds like Jon."
Ron turned to Harry. "Oy, Harry boy! You need to be our judge for our contest. You, Hermione! You conjure up tons of food!"
Hermione blinked and then mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Pure, utter madness" and Harry grumbled something along the lines of "What did I ever to do deserve this".
Ignoring all statements, Ron and Garfield sat down across from each other and glared menacingly. Garfield was momentarily distracted when he saw food pouring out the tip of Hermione's wand. 'Wow, if only I had abilities like those...' he thought a bit mournfully. He started seeing a river of lasagna and pasta gushing out from the tip of a chopstick. Not the same thing, but oh well.
"Hermione, do you know anything that'll clear up my bloated stomach?" Ron asked with a hint of queasiness.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever," she responded. Then she tapped Ron's belly twice (she grimaced at the site of his ballooned belly) and muttered, "Vacanccio". The contest was about to begin.
"At the count of 3," Harry announced grudgingly. "1...2...3! GO!" Apart from the gross sound of snorts and snarfles, there was stunned silence. Harry never figured that a cat could eat so much so fast, and Hermione gaped at the amount Ron was shoving down his throat. Garfield was doing his trademark "toss the food into the mouth and don't swallow" technique (quite nonchalantly), while Ron...well, he was just eating like hamster, per say. His cheeks bulged with unswallowed and half-chewed food, and the rest of his face was a bright lobster red. All in all, Ron was fighting a losing battle. Sad.
Alas, not 10 minutes had passed when each opponent only had one, teeny-weeny slice of apple pie left in their piles. Ron groaned nervously. Garfield on the other hand, smoothly popped it into his mouth, chewed casually, and swallowed. His grin was so smug that even Draco Malfoy would've had to be impressed.
Ron warily eyed the pie, so small yet so large all at once. This was it, either his pride or his brain cells...
"ARGH ALRIGHT ALRIGHT. StrangeOrange Cat From Outer Lands, I humbly forfeit this contest to you. You've won. Yay, woot, hooray, ok I'll go die now." Ron huffed in defeat.
Garfield punched both fists in the air. "AHAHAHAHA! ANOTHER stunning performance by yours truly, Garfield the Great!" After a minute or so of hoots, woops, and disco dancing, Garfield finally looked at Ron with twinkling eyes and said, "Say, don't you have to do the lala dance in front of this snake guy or whatever?"
Ron, who was sulking in a corner, whipped around with wide eyes. "N-n-no...You...w-w-wouldn't...n-n-no...Please...no..." he begged. Garfield smiled evilly. Pretty scary when a fat cat smiles evilly, since he bares all these shiny white fangs, and his cheek fat stretches to make him look like a furry pumpkin.
"No no, you little loser, you shall dance for this snake person and then you shall assist me on my search for my no good owner, Jon." Garfield said in a fake-sweet/evil tone. Ron looked terrified.
By the way, if you've been good, observant reader and have noticed that Harry and Hermione haven't said anything at this point, it's cuz they were rolling around on the floor laughing so hard that they started hacking up slug-type things.
Garfield starting pushing Ron- with much force- to the cart's door.
"Which cart is snake in, boy with wild hair?"
Harry was at dying point now. "He's (gasp) o-over (snort, snort, gasp) there (points hand towards location while holding on to seat for support) like 3 (snigger, snigger) carts-s a-a-way (hysterical guffawing)," Harry barely managed. Hermione continued to roll around with violent jerks of silenced chortles.
Ron glowered one last time at the figures of Harry and Hermione, before being dragged out by this fat but evidently strong cat. The dreaded was about to happen...
THE END
A/N: Yes, there was a bit of randomness but I hope you like it...Oooh haha lemurs!
Note that vacans is the Latin word for vacancy or vacant or whatever, synonym of empty. So the spell that I made up, vacanccio, is based on that. If I'm wrong, oh well it still sounds cool. ;-)
Review! Or I'll unleash my demented army of spoons, forks, and sporks on yeh!
(As a wrap up...)
Ron DID have to dance the lala dance in front of Snape...Was put in detention after that. Draco and his gang wouldn't leave him alone for days until Harry hexed them into oblivion. Garfield finally found Jon (he now had an afro and his ear hair was about 5 inches long...) and poofed home with the help of the gracious Albus Dumbledore. All in all, everything turned out to be ok.
Garfield: Now, I want my lasagna! With meat sauce! And oregano! And basil! And...And...
Me: Oh shut up I get it. (Exasperated sigh)