A/N: Okay so I started writing this a few months ago, and picked it back up again a the other day because my writers block is finally fading. Initially, this story was a way for me to deal with something in my life. I stopped writing my other stories because i couldn't bring myself to do much of anything for awhile- it's also why i was off tumblr a lot. An old friend of mine, an amazing guy that I had a crush on for years, took his life. It was really hard for me to deal with, and I struggled for weeks. I'd never lost someone close to me before, not really. I'd lost grandparents before but i was so young it didn't affect me much. This was the first time someone I really cared about died, and I think suicide made it worse. The fact that he chose to leave...

Anyway, I started writing to help process what had happened, and I ended up with this. It's pretty dark, and it's got a lot of angst, but I'm actually really proud of it. I think it's become one of my favorite things I've written, because I relate to it. The title of the fic comes from Down by Blink 182...I listened to quite a bit of blink 182 while writing this- Adam's Song, I Miss You, Fighting The Gravity- as well as Rescued by Jack's Mannequin (which the following lyrics are from), View From Heaven by Yellowcard and Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World. I recommend listening to those songs, if nothing else they're amazing.

Oh, I can feel her, she's dying
Just to keep me cool
I'm finally numb, so please
Don't get me rescued

Emma kissed Neal on the cheek before walking out the door. Since returning from Neverland, she felt different. Her world was turned upside down looking for Henry, and no one was more surprised than her by how he was found. Gold had risked his life to save the boy- knowing full well that he was supposed to be his undoing eventually, but choosing to save him anyway- and none other than Killian Jones nearly offering himself up as a sacrifice to retrieve the two. The three made it back- but not entirely unscathed. Emma had been so grateful to Hook that she'd helped him with the steering of the ship on their return, and his recovery once in Storybrooke. The man started growing on her and she couldn't help but smile when she thought of some of the memories on the search for Henry, especially a particular moment of weakness when she'd given in to budding feelings and kissed him.

And then there was Neal.

She was reluctant to say the least to trust him, but it didn't take long at all for her to fall in love with the way his eyes sparkled or the curve of his lips when she smiled that smile that was just for her. She found herself forgiving him of their past and letting him back into her heart so quickly she was breathless. When Hook had noticed, he asked her if she was truly that foolish, to return to the man that tore her apart so much.

The thing was, she didn't care what he thought anymore. She was in love, and seeing that man with their son was all she'd ever wanted. A family.

"See you for dinner, babe?" Neal called out just before the door slipped shut. She smiled and nodded.

"Yep."

"Love you," he said softly. She looked to the ground before walking over to him and kissing him slowly.

"I love you," she said, remembering the time she'd said those three little words thinking they'd be the last thing he ever heard. Perhaps one day they still would be.

She left the apartment and walked out into the crisp morning air. She saw her mother on the way to the station and said hello, chatting for a bit about the Charming's new home and how it was coming along. Their conversation was interrupted however when she noticed Ruby running out onto the street and shouting.

"Fuck you, Hook!" she was saying. Emma rolled her eyes and squeezed Snow's shoulder before running towards the diner. "I swear to God I'll call her and tell her if you don't get the hell out of here!"

"Ruby! Hey- what's going on? What did he do?" Emma asked frantically.

"He's been here all fucking night long- the bastard broke in last night we found him passed out in the back of the kitchen. All the rum is gone, he has no way to pay for it, and he won't leave!"

Emma swallowed. She had never seen her friend this upset before.

"I'll handle him, just take a few deep breathes okay?" she said before passing the woman and entering Granny's Diner. "Hook?" she called out cautiously. She knew he'd been in a mood lately and she wasn't sure what his reaction to seeing her would be.

"Oh lovely, princess comin' to arressa sodding pirate. Well go onden, I know you love cuffs darlin'," he slurred with a swig of wine and roll of his eyes. Wow, they really must have run out of rum if he was drinking that.

"What are you doing?" she asked, quickly becoming aggravated. Not only was he now sauntering towards her- wine bottle still in his hand- but he also had this look on his face that scared her. Not to mention he was significantly less dressed than she was comfortable with- his familiar coat and vest gone, a mere undershirt completely unbuttoned and his pants hanging low.

"Was'it look like, lass? I'm drinkin'" he said with a smirk before coughing to the side and nearly falling over on his ass. Emma reached out to help steady him, ignoring the lustful gaze he threw at her. "Whater you doin?" he asked.

"God you smell like you've drinking for a week straight!" Emma complained as she caught a whiff of his breath.

"S'what if I have?"

"Hook- we need to get you home," she said, pulling his arm over her shoulders to help carry his weight.

"Quite forward," he muttered, turning his head dangerously close to hers and slipping his gaze to her lips and back to her eyes. Emma began to worry he was too drunk to realize she wasn't coming on to him.

"Hook-"

"Gods you gorgeous," he whispered like a prayer, his words coming out clearer than anything he'd said prior to today. Emma felt her cheeks flush just slightly and she turned away from him gently.

"Alright captain- I think it's time you-" She was cut off by hip lips at her ear.

"Emma," he murmured. His breath was heavy against her delicate skin and she shuddered, just slightly. Hook shifted his weight just so and Emma turned to look at him to see what he was doing.

And then he was kissing her. His lips gently pressed against hers, slowly moving- surprising Emma considered how completely drunk he was. She was about to push away when he stepped closer and pulled his lips back from hers, their bodies now softly pressing against each other before he kissed her again, this time more urgently. All resolve crippled from Emma and it didn't matter that the diner wasn't exactly empty or that someone would undoubtedly tell Neal what was going on. She'd forgotten how incredible it felt to have his lips on hers.

The wine bottle slipped from Killian's good hand and shattered across the floor, his fingers tangling in Emma's hair as he deepened the kiss, sighing against her as her own hands found his bare chest and rested there, déjà vu coursing through both of them. His hooked arm pulled her closer still, his good hand traveling down the length of her body as he traced his tongue across her lips. Emma tilted her head, letting him deepen the kiss seconds before his hand reached her thigh.

She gasped pulled away, her breathing labored as she tried to distance herself from him a few feet. He looked to her in utter shock, as if he couldn't believe he'd just done that, that she'd allowed him to kiss her that long, that passionately. She shook her head, trying to forget what she'd just done.

"Emma-"

"Don't," she warned.

"Please-"

"Go home," she muttered before stumbling backwards and out the door, running past Ruby's questions and not stopping until she reached the station, where she collapsed on the floor just outside the door in a sob.

Killian watched her walk away and tried to go after her but fell over his own two feet just before reaching the door. He let himself fall, not caring anymore. He'd wandering into the diner last night already drunk- he'd run out of alcohol on his ship- but still trying to drink away the memory of what he'd witnessed just an hour before.

He'd passed Gold's shop, seeing Belle and Rumplestiltskin laughing inside, setting his soul on fire. He hated that he'd saved that man's life in Neverland. If letting that man die hadn't also meant Emma losing her son, he probably would have.

But she'd already meant so much to him by then- and she'd lost so much and come so far. He couldn't let her lose someone else just so he could have his revenge.

He was upset enough as it was after seeing them together, but then he passed the diner. Emma had been sitting with Neal and Henry, Henry smiling fondly at his parents as they looked to each other. Neal whispered something in Emma's ear and she flushed, punching him in the shoulder before chuckling and kissing him.

Killian barely had enough in him to make it to the ship before he was throwing things and swearing like the pirate he was. Nothing was ever good enough. He was never good enough.

He couldn't save Milah.

He couldn't avenge her.

He couldn't be the father to Bae that he so desperately wanted to be all those years ago.

And he couldn't have Emma.

Granted, he was well aware that was not a woman to simply have. She was someone you spent the afternoon with sailing, someone you made a fire for on a cold night, someone that should be kissed under the stars, who should be told how beautiful they are daily. She was the kind of woman that would accept a one night stand, but under no circumstances deserved them. She wasn't someone you played with until you got bored.

Emma's the kind of woman you fall in love with every moment, of every day; with every sigh and every smile; by her tears and vulnerabilities. This wasn't just any woman.

This was Emma Swan.

And he knew now more than ever that she would never love him.

The kiss was more than he'd ever hoped for, but it also had a sort of finality to the way it ended. He was completely and utterly pissed, anyone could see that, but even in this state he could read her. She didn't end the kiss because she was uncomfortable, or because she was worried she was feeling something for him.

She ended it because of Neal. Because she loves him. Because at the end of the day, she's going to have to tell him what happened and she's going to promise it will never happen again- and she'll mean it.

Killian looked around at the people in the booths who'd come in this morning expecting breakfast but were told to wait until the town drunk left the premise. That's what he was these days- the town drunk. He'd been kicked out of the bar down the street every other night it seemed for starting fights or being disruptive but he couldn't help it.

He couldn't have his revenge on the dark one. He didn't have anything left. Not even the hope of something happening with Emma was there anymore. He had rum, and he had his ship, and that was it.

And when the rum ran out he'd run off to find something, anything to numb the emptiness he felt.

The people wore varying degrees of shock. For the most part they just stood there, not quite believing what they'd seen. A few looked disturbed- that's what Captain Hook kissing the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming was apparently, disturbing. Ruby was glaring at him and Granny had a sort of smirk on her face, as if she knew Killian was in for hell for doing that.

But he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. Kissing Emma was his last chance to make her see, to show her he knew something was there with them, and that he wasn't afraid to pursue it.

But she'd walked away, just like she always did. She didn't care about him.

No one did.

"I'm so sorry!"

"God of course it would be him! First my mother now you?" How many times is he going to fuck up my family?" Neal nearly shouted. Emma sat quietly on the couch and let him yell. She didn't know what else to do; she never knew what to do when he yelled.

"I'm sorry-"

"Believe it or not that's not exactly helping. It's not enough that he kissed you, but I have to hear it from the fucking wolf girl? And that you kissed him back? 'Eagerly'?" He shook his head and paced the room some more.

"Neal-"

"Don't! God I can't even…I just need a minute," he said.

Emma hadn't even risen from her spot on the floor of the station before the phone rang with an extremely pissed off Neal asking "What the hell happened at the diner this morning- you have one chance to tell me the truth." She'd rushed home, finding him angrier than she ever remembered him getting. He told her Ruby had told him everything, that lying to him at this point was a waste of time considering Ruby left nothing out. Emma was upset initially that Ruby would tell Neal, but she wasn't exactly surprised. Ruby hated Hook more than anyone else in town- he was constantly making her life miserable by demanding liquor and demeaning her in front of customers when she denied him alcohol considering he was almost always already drunk by the time he showed up.

Considering he'd had 300 years to get accustomed to drinking, it was rather shocking that the man had enough rum on that ship to continually get him this drunk.

And anyway, Ruby loved Neal. He got along with Whale, and the four of them often went on double dates. Of course Ruby would look out for her friend before Hook.

"Neal, it didn't mean anything- I got carried away but as soon as I realized what was happening I stopped and I left," Emma piped up, trying for what felt like the hundredth time to explain.

"He isn't a drug, Emma! You didn't realize what was happening? Are you serious?"

"I'm sorry," she said again. There was something about Neal being disappointed in her that brought her back to her 18 year old mentality that if she said or did one wrong thing she'd lose the only person who'd ever loved her.

Neal looked at her and saw the unshed tears from this conversation, the tear stains from before she'd arrived home, and the exhausted look written across her features. He sighed and sat next to her. "I know you are. And I get it, I'm just upset. I'll be fine in a little while, okay? I just have to process the fact that a man I once looked to as a father has made out with my…with you," he said, his voice tight.

Emma ignored the way he dodged labeling their relationship and focused on the fact that he seemed to calming down. This was a good sign.

Soon everything would be okay, and they could go back to normal. Everything was fine.

Killian rummaged around his belongings before finding what he was looking for. Unfortunately it was old and he didn't have any ammo. He threw it against the wall and sank to the ground.

"Can't even do this right," he muttered. That's when he saw it. A glint of light from under the table nearby. He reached over and grabbed the handle, pulling the blade closer to him. He sighed and stared at it, seeing the engraving in the handle. It was a simple compass, and he remembered when he was given the blade from his father.

"It will help you when things get messy, lad," the man had told him. That was the last gift he'd ever received from the man. And look at that- it was helping him out when things got messy after all.

He reached up and grabbed the bottle of Whiskey he'd found hidden in the brig in his rampage through the ship once he'd returned to it. He'd needed something else to drink, and he had remembered the stash his old crew had kept down there.

Something fell to the floor as he dragged the bottle towards him and the floor where he was sitting, and he picked it up. It was a piece of stationary from his desk. There was a small sketch of a map on one side- to what he couldn't quite tell. As he stared at it, however, he began to think he should do one last thing before going through with this.

After all, it was customary, was it not? To leave a note?

Emma walked to the diner alone to get dinner to take home for her, Henry, and Neal. She was still walking on eggshells it seemed around him, and she hated that, but she also didn't want to upset him more and she knew she had done something deserving of his anger. That's what she told herself anyway. She always told herself that.

Emma greeted Ruby when she arrived before approaching the counter. Ruby rushed to her side.

"You're not mad at me are you?" she asked.

"No- I get it. I mean, I would have told him but it's fine. He knows and that's what's important." Emma smiled the best she could up at the woman as she walked over to her.

"Okay, good. There's just something about Hook that….I don't know, but when it comes to him my judgment is clouded."

"Yeah I know the feeling," Emma muttered. Ruby narrowed her eyes.

"My judgment isn't clouded that way, Emma." The blond rolled her eyes and sank onto the chair next to her. It was impossible not to remember Killian's lips pressed against hers when she was mere feet away from where it had happened.

"Have you seen him?" she asked.

"Hook? Um, no when you told him to go home- he did," Ruby said. Emma nodded and looked around again. "Did you want to order?"

Emma glanced back and nodded with a smile. She placed her order and waiting not-so-patiently as scenarios played across her mind.

It didn't seem like Hook to just…leave so easily. He was the type to fight back, or at least not cave like that. Sure, Emma had to shove him away from her for the point to get across that he needed to go home but still. The fact that he didn't go after her, the look on his face that had scared her…the fact that he'd kissed her to begin with, or that he'd gotten so drunk…

It had to all be connected. It had to be.

And it added up to one thing.

Something was seriously wrong with Hook.

After Ruby handed Emma her order, she left and made a snap decision to make sure the pirate had at least made it back to the ship without killing anyone or passing out on the side of the road. She drove her car to the docks and parked, taking a deep breath before leaving.

She made her way to the ship and closed her eyes. This was probably a mistake. She shouldn't be here. Who knows what would happen- he might try to kiss her again! She took another deep breath and stepped on board, memories of the journey to get Henry back flooding her senses. She and Hook had more than one argument up on this main deck. They also had a few tender moments as well. Heart to hearts, talking about their pasts over whatever liquor Hook managed to find- usually rum much to Emma's dismay, but not surprise.

As she walked towards the stairs, she began feeling sick. Something was wrong- she knew something was horribly wrong. She walked faster as she approached them, noticing now the way things were strewn across the wooden floors. It got worse as she neared the captain's quarters. Doors were open and fabric along with tables, chairs, papers, glass- anything really- were thrown carelessly throughout the place. Considering how clean Hook normally kept this place, Emma was worried.

She'd known he'd been drinking a lot lately- but wasn't that what pirates did?

She pushed open the door to his room and felt her heart stop. Tears filled her eyes immediately and she sank to the floor, a choked noise coming from her throat as she covered her mouth with one hand and her heart with the other.

"No," she whispered. "No!" she said once more, a bit more power behind it. She closed her eyes and let the tears fall, a muffled sob coming from her lips behind her hand. When she opened her eyes again, she noticed a piece of paper on his knee. Emma managed to find it within her to scoot over to Hook's limp body resting against the wall adjacent to hers to reach it. Her hands shook as she grabbed it, her fingers skimming his thigh. She cried even harder when he didn't react to her touch, as if it was confirmation of what she was seeing.

She tore her eyes from his torso and all the blood, focusing instead on breathing- which was becoming increasingly difficult- and on the piece of paper. It was a map of some sort and she shook her head.

"Bastard. You left a map?" she choked out before turning it over in her hands. All the air left her lungs in one swift gust and she knew her mascara must look horrible staining her cheeks but she didn't care because on this little piece of paper was her name and she didn't care about anything anymore- only that he was gone.

Emma,

I know you'll be the one to find me. I'm sorry that's so. Understand, love, that this has been a long time coming. I've lived many lives and I've nothing left. It's no one's fault but my own. I wasted my live on trivial things. It only makes sense that it ends with this. I'm not giving up- I'm choosing my fate. I'm tired of revenge and pain and loss. Let me be, lass. The ship's my home anyway. But you know that, don't you?

I hope you have a long and happy life, I truly do.

All my love,

Killian

Emma fell over, her crying shaking her body as the note crumbled in her hand. Her head rested on his knee, right where the paper had been.

"No, God please NO not again please," she said over and over again. She couldn't ignore it anymore- she had to look at him- really look at him.

His back was slouched against the wall, his legs bent just slightly out in front of him. His arms were calmly laying at his sides, his hooked side weighing him down just a little. His head hung low, his face more peaceful than she'd ever seen it. He was still wearing that undershirt, and it still wasn't buttoned up, leaving nothing to the imagination. Blood stained the white cotton and his chest, stemming from a beautiful knife.

Emma cried out, gently touching his cheek. She couldn't help but feel like it was her fault. If she hadn't kissed him, maybe this wouldn't have happened. If she hadn't pushed him away, it wouldn't have happened. If he hadn't saved Gold and Henry, this wouldn't have happened. If he'd never met her, this wouldn't have happened.

Emma's head fell forward into her hand, her palms relentlessly trying to remove tears. She looked back up to him and tilted his head back against the wall carefully. She sniffled and pulled herself closer to him. "Please, don't be gone," she whispered. "I didn't…I never…" she started crying again.

"I never got say goodbye," she managed, her voice breaking on the last word. She leaned in and kissed his forehead, noting that his skin was still warm. She leaned back, staring at him through her tears. Her hand went to his cheek again, and realizing, yes, his skin was warm. Just barely.

She looked back down to the knife, her heart beating rapidly. She felt on her own chest where approximately he'd stabbed himself, and thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd missed. She felt for a pulse but didn't feel anything. It was either too faint or…

Or he really was gone, and she was only minutes too late.

She pulled out her phone and called Dr. Whale.

"Emma?"

"It's Killian….he's…he's gone but he's still warm I don't know what to do- I don't know how long he's been like this but there's a lot of blood- oh God there's a lot…" she started tearing up again and sniffled, trying not to let her voice crack.

"Is he at the ship?" he asked in his doctor voice. He wasn't a friend at the moment. He was help.

"Yes- I can't lift him," Emma cried.

"The guys will be there in a minute," he promised. He stayed on the phone with her as he reached the ambulance, and called over for the guys to drive down to the docks. Emma held the phone in one hand and Killian's hand in the other, hoping it wasn't too late. Emma heard the sirens as they rushed towards her, Whale giving her instructions as to what to do- Don't remove the knife, apply pressure here, grab a towel to stop the bleeding there, etc. She wasn't sure how much it was helping, but at this point everything mattered.

She refused to lose him.

This can't be the end.