Everybody Lies

By The Wonder Twins

Disclaimer: We are not that smooth

To the tune of Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the season of '06-07': everybody lies.
If I could offer you one tip for the future, that would be it.
The long-term benefits of believing this have been proved time and time again whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now:

Enjoy the power and beauty of Chase.
Oh, nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of Chase until they've faded.
But trust me, in 5 years you'll look back at photos of him and recall in a way you can't grasp now how sexy that hair really was and how fabulous he really looked.
Cameron is NOT as annoying as you imagine.

Don't worry about their future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to keep House off Vicodin.
The spoilers are never as bad as the extrapolations that you make from them which plague your worried mind, the kind that keep you on edge during those month long hiatuses.

Do one thing everyday that outrages everyone else.

Limp.

Be reckless with other people's hearts.
Put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Snark.

Reject compliments you receive.
Reciprocate the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your speeding tickets, throw away your subpoenas.

Whine.

Do not feel guilty about your addiction (because you're not addicted, remember?…Ok maybe only a little bit).
The most interesting people I know wolf down pain killers like M&M's.
Some of the most interesting 37 year olds I know will follow those people to the ends of the earth and back.

Abandon your moral high horse.

Be kind to your spoiler connections, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe House will marry. Hopefully he won't.
Maybe Cuddy will have children. Hopefully she won't.
Maybe Wilson will divorce five times by the time he's 40.
Maybe we'll find out that this whole season was just a hallucination.
Whatever happens, don't congratulate TPTB too much or berate them either - their choices are half chance.
So are everybody else's.

Make fun of Wilson's girlishness.
Ridicule it any time you can.
He's so afraid of it, and what other people think of it.
His power of manipulation is the greatest instrument he'll ever own.

Brood...even if you have nowhere else to do it but in your own living room.

Read pop culture magazines, for they hold clues to the answers of your problems.

Do NOT read speeches, they will only make you feel "wrong."

Get to know the ducklings, you never know when they might be gone for good.
Hope we get to see their siblings, they'll be our best link to a back-story and the people most likely to make for an interesting future.

Understand that fan fiction writers come and go, except for the precious few you should hold on to.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more possible it is to move to LA and weasel your way onto the set.

Live in Princeton once, but leave before Tritter tries to put you in jail.
Live in Australia once, but leave before House starts insisting that your English.

Endlessly Lecture.

Accept certain inalienable truths:
Pocket protectors will NOT rise in fashion.
Wilson will philander.
Chase will get old, and when he does, you'll fantasize that when he was young, the clothes he wore were actually reasonable.
Wilson's intentions were never noble.
And sex equaled death.

Guys in a coma make for good company.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe "House" will go on for ten more years.
Maybe the TPTB will kill House off by the end of this season.
But you'll never know because Time Warner is your cable company.

Wilson, don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose pad you steal, but be patient with those dumb enough to not hide it.
No matter what Wilson says, lying is not an efficient form of teaching.
Doing it only get make you act like a fool on TV, fishing out your deceitful history, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the everybody lying thing.