Oh hell no

by Batty Angel

Born from the boredom and insanity of school. A collection of one shots of crack - basically THERE IS NO PLOT! each and every chap is different from yaoi scented emo Sasuke to Ghetto rapping Lee... who knows what madness lies beyond this fic O.O

Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura (AN: crud, I almost forgot her name for a moment and considered calling her 'Candy-floss head' but don't worry I remembered!) and Kakashi the king literacy porn were in the forest doing ninja stuff... you know things involving pointy stuff. Anyways, Sasuke was standing all emo slash cool whilst Sakura drowns in her own drool before being useful in a thousand years time, and Naruto having a bath in a big bowl of Ramen... okay I lied he was getting his ass kicked by a tree. Mostly because Naruto spent half the morning head butting the tree that had a badly drawn 'evil guy with nachos' stuck on the side of the tree.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" Naruto got up again and charged towards the tree "FOR RAMMEEEEEEN!"

Crash.

"OW!"

Suddenly a mono toned voice was heard.

"Once upon a time, there was a little village of magical leafy leaf of pretty pink and lemony scented leaves... or also known as Konoha... There was an orange boy. He was so orange that he exploded and became a penguin."

Naruto looks up at the sky and started to panic, running around in a circle "What the? ...Ohhhh my GWAD! Kakashi! I'm hearing voices!!!"

"Hooray for you Naruto." Kakashi had his face glued to the book, literally - thanks to Iruka who wanted his revenge on Kakashi for taking the last Doughnut.

in the distance somewhere, Iruka yells out a 'HA!' and dance the great dance of awesomeness... because he's a ninja. And that's what ninja's do all day... yeah. Back to Naruto and gang

"You're not hearing voices in your head"

and out came Gaara who fell out of the tree and onto Sasuke, sitting on the now less cool ninja. GO GAARA! XD

"EGADS!" Naruto Exclaimed poetically "It tis Gaara of the funk - copyrightcatchphraseofMasakoXandVegetaloadsofnumbers!(1)" The blonde took a second to pant and catch some good old oxygen, before turning around in slow motion towards Gaara with sparkles flying everywhere.

"What brings you here Oh Gaara of teh Funk?"

Everyone stared in silence.

"I'm scared." Sakura was hiding behind an equally confused and scared Kakashi.

"It's okay Sakura, I'm sure Naruto is just on some crack... or just high on life." Kakashi sighed as he tried for the fiftieth time of the day to pull the glued book away from his face.

"Does anybody care that I'm in pain?" Sasuke murmured under Gaara, who was currently drinking some green tea. Naruto sat next to Gaara to have a cup as well, poking the back of Sasuke's leg.

"Oh please Sasuke you're always in pain... Emo pain that is!"

All the ninja's in Konoha suddenly gathered around Sasuke to point and laugh loudly, before disappearing seconds later to do ninja-phantasmic-amusements...and stuff.

"Oh sure!" Sasuke angrily yelled, "Lets all have a good laugh at traumatised me and use the 'he's-an-emo-gag'! Well you know what guys? SCREW YOU ALL! You're going on my list!"

Sasuke managed to pull out a notebook and pencil, writing down names under the big bold, heavily underlined name of "ITACHI THE MAN HOE."

"Sasuke is very uncomfortable to sit on." commented Gaara, sipping tea (2) and throwing rocks at an alien squirrel.
"I agree" Naruto nodded nibbling a ramen cookie. "Lets go sit on Sakura instead."
"Good idea"
"WHAT!? Why me? Why not Kakashi!?"
"Thanks Sakura, really, thanks for being Soooooo nice to you're sensei...bitch."
"Because Kakashi has porn on his face." Naruto pointed out logically, Gaara nodding in agreement.

It took Sakura seconds to realise that Naruto and Gaara had gotten up and were walking towards her. Sasuke was in the background dancing happily, singing "I'm free, I'm free!" before falling down a random man-hole.
"SASUKE!" Sakura screamed before getting hit in the face with a dead puppy, cause her to yell "WTF!?".

Choji came on then with the spot light on him.
"Everytime Sakura says 'Sasuke' a puppy dies..."

"SAKURA! YOU MURDERER!" Kiba jumped out of the bush and charges towards her "I SHALL AVENGE YOUR DEATH YOUNG ONES!!!"

Sakura started running like hell on fire "OH SNAP!!!"

meanwhile, on the other sides of the woods where team Gai were practising thier regular Cheerleading skills

As all three were performing the pyramid, when suddenly Lee gasped loudly as he cartwheeled away from Neji and Tenten.

"My Sakura senses are tingling! MY SAKURA CHAN IS IN DANGER!!!" Lee Dramatically turned towards Gai... who was wearing a mini-skirt... ew.

"GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"I want to go home..." Tenten mumbled as she sat down. She had not had her daily does of caffeine which made the world a scary and evil place. Neji on the other hand was too busy using straighteners and talking to Hinata on the phone.

"So I was all like 'EW!' No way with out like a condom! and then he said that I was a whore and I was like 'WHATEVER GIRLFRIEND' and bitched slapped that bitches face... well duh! of course we made out in the end, we did have chocolate ice cream! So I was totally like 'Yay baby! to the left!'..."

Tenten turned to look at Neji, then at Gai and Lee who were still chanting each other's names. Tenten started tow rock back and forth sobbing. "Theres no place like home, theres no place like home..."

"GAI-SENSEI!... Sakura the love of my life is in unjustified danger!"
"Are you sure Lee? Are you sure it's not gas like last time?"
"No definatly! She is in mortal DANGER!"
"Then to the YOUTH MOBILE!"

The two crazy lunatics- I mean batman and Robin(3)- I mean... the two almighty green spandexed ones of Konoha, jumped into a green spandexed car-mobile of justice, truth, youth and syrup - driving away into the distant sunset... in the middle of the day? yeah.
For a couple of seconds, both Tenten and Neji looked blank, before the now 99 traumatised brunette girl spoke up.

"we...have a 'Youth' mobile?"
"What the...? AND ALL THIS TIME WE WERE RUNNING EVERYWHERE?! Like, WTF man!?"

Tenten looked up to see the now pissed off Neji, who was in flames of fury country.

"Like ALL those times we needed to be in places in like 3 seconds flat, we could have taken a car!? WHAT THE HELL!? WHY DIDN'T WE DRIVE INSTEAD OF RUNNING TO ALL THESE DUMBASS PLACES!? Remember that time we had to cross the desert, that sun-heat ruined my hair for WEEKS! What is it, are they too tight with cash to pay for petrol or something!? OMG! I could have like totally paid for it myself, hell, I would have bought a car for myself and leave you losers back in the dust if I knew where to buy one... OMG I am SOOO Calling Hinata!"

Neji flipped his phone up.
"Hinata, I have to totally tell you something... I don't care if you're getting laid by Shino or not! I gotta tell you what a bitch Gai is... fine he can join in too, as long as he don't talk about bugs... OMG, ew Shino just ew! Ladybirds and cockroaches are not 'the one true pairing' like ew ew ew... okay, listen to this! Gai is like being a bitch, even though the skirt he's wearing is like totally cute..."

"That does it!" Tenten stood up to storm off "I give up! I don't want to be a ninja anymore if it mean going freakin crazy... I'm going to become a pirate!"

and so Tenten walked out of the series of Naruto... not that I blame her.

back to wherever Naruto is

"Do you like waffles?"
"I yeah I like waffles."
"Do you like Pancakes?"
"Yeah I like pancakes."

Naruto and Gaara were sitting on a log, singing to their hearts content... even though Gaara wasn't exactly singing.

"waffles pancakes waffles pancakes doot do de doot can wait to get enough of doot!"(4)

Sakura was at the very top of a tree whilst Kiba barked below, jumping up and down infront of the tree.

"Oh noes! I don't wanna die!" Sakura screamed loudly "SASUKE HELP MEEEEEEEE!"

It then started to rain dead puppies. Sakura then looked down at a very deadly Kiba.

"ooooh... now I'm dead."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"yup. I'm deader than dead."
"You evil pink haired murderer... YOU'RE WORST THAN HITLER!"
"I hope they play the 'Jerry Springer'(5) song at my funeral..."

Kiba pulled a bazooka from out of no where and shot at Sakura , who flew to space on fire.

"I REGRET NOTTTTTHING!" twinkle in the sky.(6)

"Well, my work here is done." Kiba skipped away happily as the dead puppies evaporated.

Naruto and Gaara looked at the whole scenery confused.

"You have very odd weather here in Konoha."
"If you think that's bad, you should see it when Iruka tries to give Kakashi a bath."

"Bath? BATH!? NOOOO! I DON'T WANT SOAP IN MY EYES!" Kakashi started running around in a circle until he ran straight into a tree, knocking him out unconscious. Sasuke stood there wide eyed, after coming out of the hole with a chipmunk sleeping on his head.
"what the hell..?"

"oh, hi Sasuke! want some tea?" Naruto waved a teapot, which slipped out of his hand and landed directly on Sasuke's big toe.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Sasuke began to sob, whilst Naruto panicked and Gaara ate pop corn.

"oh Gods! Sorry Sasuke, I didn't mean to do that!"

"Sorry? SORRY!? SORRY!! I've fallen down a hole, been sat on, had flashbacks of my brother being a bastard AND you wonder why I act like an emo!?"

"So you admit that you are an emo?" Gaara pointed out.

Silence.

"THAT DOES IT!!!" Birds flew out of trees, swearing never to return to Konoha again.
"SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING TO SOUND!"
Sasuke stomped off as Naruto yelled after him, since he just couldn't be bother to get up from the log.(7)

"Aw come on Sasuke, don't be like that! Aw, Sasuke...aw come on. Aw... Orochimaru has cooties!"
"Forget about Sasuke, he's not coming back."
"crap. that means I'll have to chase him later."
"why not now?"
"My ass is attached to the log."
"You're just being lazy aren't you."
"Bingo... soooo Gaara, ever heard about Yaoi?"

Meanwhile in the Youth mobile

"SAKURA-CHAN! We're coming love of my life!!!!" Lee's eyes overflowed with tears as he and his sensei speeded towards...um... somewhere.

"Lee! Are your seat belts on!"
"No Sensei!"

Gai looked flabbergasted.

"LEE! HOW COULD YOU! Put them on right now young man!"
"YES SENSEI!"

and so Lee did, because remember kids: safety first!

Meanwhile in Shikamaru's Corner
"Snorez"

Back at the Youth Mobile

"Hey Sensei..."
"Yes my youthful student!"
"What is that thing hurtling towards us?"

Both Gai and Lee Looked up at the sky to see something pink haired, on fire and falling towards them at a very fast pace.

"I'm not really sure Lee..."
"Perhaps it wants to be our friend-"

Before Lee could finish his sentence, the pink-haired-thing crashed into the youth mobile and everything exploded.

And that is how Sakura got an owie.

(1): MasakoX and Vegeta quote from the 'Naruto abridged series', I don't remember the numbers for Vegeta's online name (sobs)
(2): Am I the only one who can imagine Gaara sitting down and drinking tea, whilst making evil comments at everyone?
(3): BATMAN! now I can just visualized Rock Lee and Gai as Batman and Robin... I KNOW YOU ARE ALL THINKING THE SAME THING! coughs ...sorry.
(4): I heard this song ONCE on Youtube and have been singing it ever since... and no I don't know the words :P
(5): a Weird Al Yankovic song, go listen to it! GO!
(6) TEAM ROCKET BLASTING OFF AGAIN!... ah yeah, Pokemon reference :D
(7) I get like that sometimes, the attack of comfort-whilst-sitting-down which is induced by laziness XD

This story was written in pure boredom at school, when I could have been learning the great arts of Shakespeare or memorizing infor,ation for tests and blah... so it is a possibility that this will continue eventually ahahahaha...