Okay so hey guys it's been a long time I know but I am back.

So this is something that I really don't know if I should upload and I may still take it down but this is a story about something I have gone through in the past two years. As some of you may know I lost a member of my family six months ago and since then I have been struggling with everyday life, eventually seeking out a councilor to help. They have suggested that I write down what I have experienced as a way of helping myself to open up and be able to separate the past two years from my everyday life.

I just really want to say that I am not writing this in an effort to get sympathy or people feeling sorry for me this is just something I think I need to do.

WARNING this may contain things personal to others and I really don't want to upset you so please if it is too personal turn back I wont ever hold it against you.

I also want to say a big thank you to BeethovenRIP for her messages of encouragment throughout my exams.

Disclaimer- I own nothing.

She'd seen the symptoms before they were a part of her job, maybe that's why she ignored them for so long, pushed them to the back of her head in fear. Later she would come to realize foresight wasn't always a gift.

It was six months of continuing symptoms before Dixie plucked up the courage to visit the doctors. It felt almost foreign to Dixie waiting for her results she was incredibly calm something which she knew came from her work and her everyday attitude to life.

Something Jeff will always remember is the fact that Dixie never cried nor did she scream and shout that she didn't deserve this. Actually neither of them did especially not in front of each other.

At first the doctors recommended Chemo in an effort to see if the tumor would shrink to an operable size, Dixie not someone to deny an opportunity agreed. Jeff stood by her side moment after moment throughout the horrendous vomiting and fatigue. Although for Dixie none of these side effects where any where near as bad as the moment she woke up to find her pillow covered in hair. Jeff found her that morning sitting in the bathroom hairbrush in one hand, his clippers in the other.

None of their friends commented on the fact that Dixie had shaved her hair which annoyed her, this was not a battle she was fighting in silence. So taking drastic measures she started to ask people to stroke her head, she would recommend the style to many of her female colleagues saying it was 'so much more low maintenance, as well as the fact it costs so much less in shampoo.' In the end their friends took it in their stride many saying she looked good but their closer friend who all knew Dixie would joke about it with her, some calling her one of the boys others asking her if she was trying to look younger.

Jeff and Dixie knew they needed the normality from their friends to help them fight and Jeff often commented on how strong Dixie would seem after seeing their friends.

However, the news that the chemotherapy wasn't working and that her tumor had spread almost made the pair feel as if they had gone backwards. Her specialist recommended Dixie for a drugs trial but other than that only gave her six months.

'Tiredness, hair changing color, bleeding and the possibility that the patients skin may change shade are a few of the side effects.' Jeff read as Dixie sat at the kitchen table with a cuppa and some biscuits.

'permanent tan bring it!' Dixie laughed making Jeff sigh.

'Dixie please babe take this seriously'

'Jeff I am taking this seriously but am I hell going to not joke about this.' Dixie explained grabbing the sheets from him.

'Dixie'

'Jeff don't start just go and grab my scarf think I may take Lil abs for a walk.'

Halfway through the drugs trial Jeff was starting to get worried about Dixie she was becoming weaker than before and seemed to be sick all of the time. His worries all came into the forefront when Dixie collapsed and Jeff had to rush her into hospital.

Zoe broke the news that Dixie had contracted pneumonia from her drip in her chest.

There was a chance that Dixie would not make it through this the cancer and the pneumonia together could be and were often deadly.

However, much to everyone's relief after two weeks in hospital Dixie was well enough to come home.

At this point following what her doctors had told her Dixie only had a month left.

Turning to Jeff one evening Dixie sighed 'I think its time to sort some things'

'What do you mean Dix?'

'I need to sort my will and there are other things I need to sort out' Dixie explained.

Jeff knew that this was a hard thing for Dixie to admit and as much as he didn't want to admit it or let her think that she had to do these things Jeff still knew in his heart that this was not her giving up, not at all it was just her making sure nothing got in her way.

The sixth month came and past then the 7th and the 8th Dixie was still very much Dixie she was no longer taking part in the drugs trial and lived everyday the best she could.

Sometimes Jeff almost found himself forgetting that Dixie was in fact terminally ill.

It was half way through the 9th month mark that Dixie started to become very weak and found she was unable to move around like the she used to, sometimes Jeff would have to carry her to the bathroom or in to bed.

Not much longer after this started Dixie collapsed with paralysis being unable to move anything bellow her neck. It was a terrifying moment for both Dixie and Jeff but also a terrifying moment for their friends at the ED who tried their hardest to not think about how different Dixie was now to only weeks ago.

Many tests and scans later revealed that there was now a tumor in Dixie's brain as well as her lungs, her breasts, her stomach in fact it was easier to pin point the areas unaffected by the cancer.

Dixie was given new tablets to help fight the symptoms but the pair were faced with the fact that Dixie would not make it home this time.

A few days after her admittance into the hospital Dixie asked Jeff to renew their vows explaining that although they weren't the traditional couple and they didn't marry at first for the love of a couple, she felt like Jeff was her best friend and husband and she wanted him to know that. Also though she wanted one last celebration with the people she loved the most.

Three days later Jeff and Dixie were re married (Jeff had explained the reasons behind the wedding to everyone of course) the hospital organized everything including clearing out a currently unoccupied ward to hold the wedding.

It was a great day and Jeff had not seen Dixie as happy in weeks.

A couple of days later and Dixie was moved to a specialist end of life care facility.

There were times when Dixie seemed strong, confident and almost her old self and there were times when Dixie slept for days. No matter the state she was in Jeff always visited her 3 times a day often bringing friends with him.

He had even at one point when the nurses had explained Dixie was feeling down managed to sneak lil abs in to her room which of course made her delighted. He would often bend the rules sneaking in cake and beer much to Dixie's delight.

Dixie stayed in the end of life home for almost 5 months including Christmas until finally on the 19th January Dixie slipped away in her sleep, with Jeff by her side.

Their friends often spoke of Dixie much to her wishes remembering her as she was many commenting on her strength, the fact she lived for almost a year more than she was first predicted was sentiment to that.

To Jeff she never really left though, as much as they weren't blood related nor did they marry for love (in the traditional sense) Jeff and Dixie were still family and that was all that mattered to him, and he knew he would remember her everyday for as long as he lived.

Thank you for reading this and I just want to say if something is wrong or you experience something that is out of the normal please just visit the doctor I can not ever stress this enough.