It was over, over before it had begun really. I found my true love and lost him within a one month time span. It didn't matter that I was only 16 years old. It didn't matter that he was my first love, a preordained love. What mattered was the destruction left in the wake of our breakup. This is the story of love and loss. This is a story of change and rebirth. But to understand the end, I have to tell you the beginning……………….

Michikake – Waxing and waning Moon

Finally a little bit of peace in our lives, we all survived Queen Beryl. My Senshi lost their memories of their other lives, and although I was lonely I was happy that they were all alive. Even my Mamo-chan didn't recognize me as his princess and true love. Right on top of that we had to deal with Allen & Ann the demented twins from outer space. As usual the sailor senshi were victorious. Everyone had their memories restored and firmly in place. Happily ever after was just around the corner. Or at least it was suppose to be.

It was a day like any other. I was late to school, failed my math test and had detention. But lucky me no Senshi meeting so I was free to find Mamo-chan, and what luck! There he was leaving the Crown Arcade walking down the street towards the park. I ran up to him and grabbed his arm in a hug, practically squealing my delight at having him so close. I'll never forget the way his cerulean eyes looked down at me so coldly as if I was a complete stranger. Next the firm hand that pushed me from him followed by the frozen voice telling me not to be so familiar. I, of course apologized, silly me not realizing he was having a bad day. When I whirled around to leave, that's when he did it: he cut out my heart and handed it to me.

"Usagi, I don't think we should see each other anymore. We are too different due to the age difference. I'm sorry if I led you on." My face must have held astonishment and Kami knows what else. My heart began to race, my eyes wanted to tear and my whole world came crashing down. "Mamo-chan, I swear I can do better in school I'll practice more with the girls. I can change, I can improve!" Yes at this point I was beginning to grovel but love, true love has no pride. "Usagi, you just don't get it. Why would I want to date a whinny 16 year old cry baby, who also happens to be either too dumb or lazy to excel in school! You're clumsy, you lack grace and when you fight it's often sheer luck rather than hard work that let's you win. Even your hair style makes you look childish! I can't keep; no I won't keep doing this anymore. The red string of fate that tied us together is no more."

If he had pulled back his arm and sucker punched me it would have hurt less. Was there anything about me that he liked? The worst thing about the wicked truth was he was right. How do you refute the truth, how can you defend against that? I did what any girl my age would do. I bowed deeply, apologized for wasting his time and ran. If I had looked back I might have caught the hurt look on his face, then again with all the tears I may have missed it. I couldn't go to the park, too many people knew me there, and I couldn't tell the scouts right now the pain was too new. It left me with no where to go and no one to turn to.

His words repeated over and over like a mantra that wouldn't cease. It was my fault he left me. I was everything he described and more. I wondered if I tried to change, truly change, whether he would take me back. We were destined, he and I, but now that all felt like the cruel hand of fate. I, Usagi, always had hope, always kept the faith in the past. But now I was beyond that. My world narrowed down to the pain. They say you never forget your first love and I can see why now. Because you never forget the man who gave you the first cut - it's always the deepest. Over time you learn to protect your heart so that you never feel that pain again. Yes love cuts just like a knife.

I spotted a phone booth and sat in it to cry. Legs curled up as I sank the ground. I loved Mamoru; I thought my playfulness evened out his seriousness. I thought we were Yin and Yang. I thought wrong. It was getting dark before I could bring myself to move and go home. 16 years old and already life was beating me down. Even the Dark Kingdom had not been so cruel. When I arrived home my mom grounded me for staying out so late and sent me to bed without dinner.

Luna wanted to know what was wrong, but I couldn't tell her just yet and asked her to just give me space. I fell into my bed and went to sleep; not because I was tired but because I wanted to escape my reality. At three in the morning reality came knocking or should I say beeping. My communicator went off. Yes it was another attack in Juuban Park. Yes I would get there quickly. I arrived, skipped my usual sailor speech and just started fighting. It would have made a great impression if I hadn't been flung to the floor. Just when the latest freak was about to spear me in came Tuxedo Kamen. I used the moon scepter to vanquish the monster. I ran up to Tuxedo Kamen and asked him why he saved me. What a blow to my ego to hear that he was protecting the moon princess as was his responsibility. I had gone from love of his life to an honorable debt. Just what every 16 year old girl wants to be compared to a duty, nothing more than a duty!

Today for the second time I ran. If I ran far enough and long enough maybe the problems wouldn't find me. I knew the Sailor Senshi must be worried about me, but for once I couldn't comfort anyone. Such niceties were beyond me for the moment. I crawled into bed around 5:00 a.m. not that it mattered. Of course I over slept again, was late again, failed another test and was given detention. Which made me late for the Senshi meeting, and guess who was verbally scolded by not one but four friends? Well if you picked Usagi you were right.

Let's see I was lazy, selfish, and stupid and a multitude of other sins were laid at my feet. I was a lousy leader, a mediocre Senshi and oh I was a flake. Did I cover everything? I think I did. For once in my life I didn't argue I didn't fight. I just turned around and walked away. Down the shrine steps and into, yep you guessed it. "Gomen ne sai Mamoru-san" and I kept on going. Why prolong the agony if you didn't have to. When I arrived at home I went upstairs to study. I'd had enough! If my friends, family and even the love of my life hated what I was then I would change. Change to please them, no matter how many parts of me it killed inside.

For once I finished all of my homework, took a shower and went to bed early. Kami blessed me with no crazy attacks and a full 8 hours sleep. I woke before Luna, got dressed. I started to put my hair in its customary style but realized it, like the rest of what made me Usagi would have to go. Instead I plaited it into one long braid that went way past my feet. I calmly took the excess hair place another rubber band at what would be the new end and chopped the rest off with scissors. I'd worry about getting it even later. If I had listened, really listened I would have heard that first break. But like all beings focused on moving forward I forgot to look back. Down the steps and out the door before my mother could stop me. I was early so there was no reason to run. Damn fate even had it in store for me this morning. Right there across the very street I had to cross to get to school was Mamoru in a jogging outfit. Keeping my head held down I slowly walked past him without making eye contact or greeting him. Not even hearing him call Usako in a shocked tone made me stop.

When I walked into class Ms. Haruna almost fainted. She really did faint when I asked for help with the math homework. All the Senshi's except Rei were surprised to see me at school so early. I actually paid attention today and took a lot of notes. When lunch rolled around my three friends wanted to know what's was going on. I shrugged and told them I had just decided to improve myself and ask that they leave it at that. Makoto wanted to know if I had plans with Mamoru this weekend. Looking at Ami, Minako and Makoto in the eyes I told them that he broke up with me and that no, no part of me understood it. Because I was on time and handed in all my homework Ms. H took away the rest of my detention for the week. I went to Rei's temple for a Senshi meeting. After she got over the shock of seeing me on time for once we began to talk about the new evil that was in town.

After the discussion on our newest enemy, I casually mentioned to Rei that Mamoru and I had broken up. I know she meant well, but telling me that it was to be expected was not what I needed to hear. So I excused myself and left. Homework called after all. So home, dinner which consisted of only one serving, studying, sleep and enemy attack - what a night time routine - went to the shopping mall, got into trouble again, was saved by you know who and finally dusted the creature. Before my masked savior could jump off into the sun set I went up to him and thanked him. And then told him I never wanted to see him again. "Don't show up to our fights, don't save me. Don't take me in your arms only to shove me away. It hurts and confuses me. If I am defeated don't worry. It's not your fight anyway. You just got involved because 1000 years ago you fell in love. Goodbye Tuxedo Kamen" yes it was selfish. But how effectively can you fight when you can't see because of all the tears in your eyes.

After much deliberation and soul searching I decided if he wasn't going to save me then I would have to learn how to save myself. I convinced my mother that the discipline and physical training of Karate would do me good. I also promised to get my grades up and keep them up. It was a long process not being me anymore……

Three months later:

"Congratulations Usagi, from yellow belt to blue belt in less than three months" said the elated voice of Sensei Higurashi. "You are a natural! Here is the new class schedule". The truth was I had studied hard and practiced harder to gain my two belt levels. Yellow to green was easy, green to blue was harder. My grades in High School had dramatically improved. I was in the top ten percentile now. I stopped thinking of all that and bowed to Sensei before jogging off to get dressed and go home. When I came out Rei and Mamoru was setting up for their class. Great! Just great, three months I had managed to avoid seeing them in class and here it was all out in the open. "Hey Odango, what are you doing here? Are you lost?" asked Rei. Even Mamoru had a look of confusion on his face. Before I could answer a familiar voice broke the silence.

"Ne Usagi, don't forget next week the schedule changes!"

"Arigato, Sensei! I will see you next week. With that I jogged off not bothering to answer Rei's question. It was none of Mamoru-san's business. I had stopped being his business three months ago. I went to the park and sat on the bench contemplating my life. Last week Ms. H was talking to me and she said that while she appreciated the turn around she was curious. Why didn't I daydream in class anymore? What happened to that loveable klutzy girl from before? I told her it was simple I didn't have anything left to dream about anymore. Then I left who wants to see pity in your teacher's face?

Well enough reminiscing, I had to meet the girls at the Crown for a quick meeting. Of course he wasn't there, so I slid into a booth that offered no view of the counter or the door and waited for Rei, Minako, Ami and Makoto to show up. While I waited I pulled out my translated copy of "The Art of War", not exactly light reading but I needed to brush up on strategies and war methods. I knew the moment he entered, I always do and always will. Rei slid into the booth with me and raised her eyebrow at the book. Next Ami came from study school and finally Mina and Makoto. I guess I was too obvious in trying to ignore Mamoru because the girls lit into me.

"Usagi you have to move on, it's been three months Odango! Since you no longer get detention you have time to devout to finding a boyfriend" snarled Rei. Always the fiery one she was.

"Usagi, the best way to get over one guy is to get another. At least you don't have any more klutz attacks" Makoto practically shouted to the arcade.

"Usagi it's wonderful that you have improved your grades but you need to let go of the past" was Ami's quiet comment.

Usagi, if its true love, then it will find a way" last but not least the senshi of love and a helpless romantic. I say helpless instead of hopeless because she didn't know when to just leave well enough alone.

I looked around the table at my fellow Senshi. "So the general consensus is I should move on? I should forget my heart ache? Let me tell you something: I hope with all of my heart that you each find your true love. And I fervently hope that he never tells you your dumb or graceless, a bad cook or a mediocre fighter. My hope is that he thinks the sun and the moon set and shine in you. I have moved on. I improved myself; I am a brand new Usagi. When I wanted to lie down and die I kept on going. When I wanted to give up I kept pushing myself. But it's nice to know what your real friends think of you. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go home. I have a lot of homework and two papers due this week." The looks on their face ranged from incredulous to pity. I swept out the arcade not looking at anyone else - afraid they would see the frightened young girl behind the mask.

Well another night, another fight. Damn enemy couldn't they be civilized and schedule such events during the daytime hours or at least prior to midnight? Well less complaining and more running. I was almost by the coordinates that Mercury had sent when a Black Moon soldier jumped out and began attacking. Damn this one was unlike the others, increased speed, stamina and a much more sophisticated targeting system. The Dark Kingdom was one upping itself. I was on my own; the girls were fighting and I couldn't call them. I told Luna to hide and began my battle. I won't tell the story blow by blow, but suffice to say I was seriously hurt by the time I moon dusted him. Wasting no time I ran to where the girls were. Mercury and Venus were down, Mars and Jupiter did not look too good, and so with no speech or warning I used my moon scepter and blasted him to dust.

Mars rounded on me "I knew the improved Moon was only temporary, what happened couldn't get out of bed? Face stuck in a manga? We almost got killed tonight. Some leader you are!" The other girls tried to soothe her but she was beyond angry.

"You're right; I'm not a great leader. I quit - pick a new leader. I've tried everything to make you all happy. You said I was stupid so I studied hard. You said I was clumsy so I slowed down and learned some grace. Everyone said I sucked as a fighter so I took karate. But it's never enough is it? I won't stop being a Senshi because you need my powers to fight but choose a new leader, I'm done!" I ran as if the very hounds of hell chased me, I could hear Luna asking the Senshi if they realized what they had done. Why me? First Mamoru tears my world apart, and then when I managed to make a life without him, Rei rips my world apart again. This time I wasn't sure I could mend it, or if I even wanted to. I was so tired and in pain. That was the only reason I made noise coming in the house. This woke up my dad, who barged into my room before I could transform back to my pajamas. Needless to say he was not pleased that his daughter was Sailor Moon and had been lying to him all these years.

I sat in the living room listening intently to his scolding. I didn't talk back until he got to the part of me not being Sailor Moon ever again. That's when I stood up and argued. Hello! I saved the world how many times and he tells me I have to give it up. I respectfully told him I would not do that. He coldly informed me I had till tomorrow to make up my mind or leave his house. I marched upstairs in a state. I hated what my alter ego had done to my life but was I ready to give her up? And what was the value of my life compared to the fate of the world or universe? Damn. I was going to have to defy my father. Questions about where was I going to live and what would I do for money rushed through my head. First things first: I packed my uniforms and clothes. I took some pictures and all the money I had saved up. I strode to the mirror and looked at my reflection.

No matter what I do to my hair it always goes back to my original style when I transform. I stared at the mirror, at the cold familiar stranger standing there. From the cobalt eyes that did not shine, lips that hardly smiled - yes that was me now. Before I could stop myself I drew back my fist and smashed the mirror a couple of times. I hated my reflection. After all a mirror doesn't tells falsehoods. Before my mom and dad could come into my room to see what happened I grabbed my two bags jumped out the window and left.

My life officially sucked……

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hi all! I have a Beta! Fans I'd like to introduce MML my beta! She is helping clean up some grammatical errors! We will be editing all the old chapters….but don't worry the latest chapter is being typed up as you read this line.

Thank you all for your support and patience during this process!